bubut – n. a 1 1/2 foot tall frozen margarita
Tag Archives: drink
orange juice, Batman special
orange juice, Batman special – n. an orange juice with some larcli <see larcli>
deleruth
deleruth – v. to get a free t-shirt plus 2 free drinks
Hot-Aid
Hot-Aid Guy: ohhhh yeah!
(Hot-Aid Guy is a big pitcher with arms, legs, and full of yellow liquid)
(Hot-Aid Guy is skateboarding up a ramp with 3 other kids, to keep the political correctness of this commercial, its one white girl, one white boy, and an African-American boy)
(they stop skating, and stand in the middle of the ramp)
Jamal: boy, am I sweaty, yo diggity!
John: you said it, Jamal!
Kathy: what should we DO Hot-Aid Guy? I don’t want plain water, I want some powdery stuff from a package in MY water!
Hot-Aid Guy: hey, I’ve got an idea! Why don’t you jump inside me??
Kathy (close up): that’s a GREAT idea!
Jamal: yeah! And to keep up with the corporate – imposed popular culture, we’ll skateboard into you! Yo diggity!
(cuts to a shot behind John doing a McFlip 540 into the Hot-Aid Guy, and then a shot of Kathy grinding on the edge of the Hot-Aid Guy, and then diving in. Then a shot of Jamal doing a handplant on the side of the ramp and then falling backwards into Hot-Aid Guy, who was right under Jamal)
(Hot-Aid Guy moves around, splashing the liquid around)
Hot-Aid Guy: how do you like my Tropical Tang piss?!
Jamal: uggh! Its so nasty! Yo diggity!
John: I’m gonna barf!
Kathy: Its more like TERRIBLE Tang to me!
Hot-Aid Guy: you’ve pissed me off, you politically correct group of kids! Now-YOU-DIE!
(Hot-Aid Guy puts a cap on top of him)
Jamal: what the FUCK! Yo DIGGITY!
Kathy: guys, I feel something sharp below our feet
Hot-Aid Guy: you’re right, I just happen to be a talking, living Blender Pitcher, made by IKEA, bless their German inventions.
John: oh shit….
(Hot-Aid Guy turns the blender on, and you can’t see the kids anymore, but you see the yellow turning into a piss red color)
Hot-Aid Guy (stopping): now let’s partyyyy!
(kids of all races jump into a pool, start dancing and skateboard, as there is a drawback shot into the air)
(end)
The Snoopy-Snoop Dog Connection
I always figured snoop dogg was in some way connected to snoopy, the dog from Peanuts, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it…Then I finally realiazed something! They both have big ears! I figure they came from the same parents, which were Charley Brown and Lassie was snoopy’s mom and dad, but then charley got a divorce when he caught lassie cheating with rin tin tin. Then Charley Brown remarried to Xena, warrior princess. This is when Snoop Dogg was born. Xena left Charley Brown because she though he called her a “Good Grief”. She misunderstood the meaning of this and took it offensively. She then went out and married Hercules. Charley never told any of his sons how they were related and he slipped into depression. He began drinking heavily and saying good grief until he couldn’t hold on any longer. He packed his bags and went to Mexico changing his name to Don Carlos Browne.
———————————————-
the snoopy snoop dog connection in other languages. Yayyy!
Spanish
¡Yo siempre figuré dogg de que snoop estaba en alguna manera conectada al snoopy, el perro de Manís, pero de yo no podría poner bastante el dedo en lo. ..Then yo finalmente realiazed algo! ¡Ellos ambos tienen orejas grandes! Figuro que ellos vinieron de los mismos padres, que era Charley se Tosta y Lassie era mamá de snoopy y papá, pero entonces charley obtuvo un divorcio cuando él estafar cogido de lassie con estaño de estaño de rin. Entonces Charley se Tosta remarried a Xena, princesa de guerrero. Esto es cuándo Snoop Dogg nacía. La izquierda de Xena Charley se Tosta porque ella aunque él le llamó una “Pena Buena”. Ella entendió mal el significar de este y lo tomó ofensivamente. Ella entonces salió y Hércules casado. Charley nunca dijo cualquiera de sus hijos cómo ellos fueron relacionados y él resbaló en la depresión. El comenzó a beber pesadamente y decir la pena buena hasta que él no pudiera aguantar cualquier más largo. El empacó sus bolsas y fue a México que cambia su nombre a Don Carlos Browne.
French
Je toujours ai calculé snoop dogg était à certains égards connecté à snoopy, le chien des Arachides, mais je pas tout à fait pourrais mettre mon doigt dessus. ..Then je finalement realiazed quelque chose! Ils les deux a de grandes oreilles! Je calcule ils sont venus des parents pareils, qui étaient Charley Brun et Lassie était snoopy mom et le papa, mais alors charley a reçu un divorce quand il a attrapé tricher de lassie avec l’étain d’étain de rin. Alors Charley remarried Brun à Xena, la princesse de guerrier. Ceci est quand Snoop Dogg était né. Xena part Charley Brun parce qu’elle bien qu’il l’a appelée un “le Bon Chagrin”. Elle misunderstood le sens de ceci et l’a pris choquamment. Elle est sorti alors et Hercules épousé. Charley n’a jamais dit n’importe quel de ses fils comment ils ont été relatés et il a glissé dans la dépression. Il a commencé à boire lourdement et la maxime bon chagrin jusqu’à ce qu’il ne pourrait pas tenir sur plus long. Il a emballé ses sacs et est allé à changer de Mexique son nom à Don Carlos Browne.
German
Ich habe snoop dogg in mancher Hinsicht an snoopy, der Hund von Erdnüssen immer gerechnet war hat angeschlossen, aber ich könnte nicht sehr meinen Finger darauf stellen. ..Then ich schließlich realiazed etwas! Sie haben beide große Ohren! Ich rechne sie von den gleichen Eltern, die Charley Braun und Lassie waren, Mutti snoopy und Vater sind gekommen war, aber dann hat charley eine Scheidung erhalten, als er lassie gefangen hat, der mit rin Zinn Zinn betrügt. Dann Charley Braun remarried zu Xena, Krieger Prinzessin. Dies ist, als Snoop Dogg geboren war. Xena verlassen Charley Braun weil sie, obwohl er sie ein “Guter Gram” gerufen hat. Sie hat das Bedeuten von diesem mißverstanden und hat es anstößig genommen. Sie ist aus und verheiratet Hercules dann gegangen. Charley hat irgendein von seinen Söhnen nie erzählt, wie sie verwandt waren, und er ist in Depression gerutscht. Er hat begonnen, schwer zu trinken, und Spruch von gutem Gram, bis er auf irgendeinem längeren nicht halten könnte. Er hat seine Säcke eingepackt und ist nach Mexiko Änderung sein Name zu Don Carlos Browne gegangen.
Italian
Ho calcolato sempre il dogg di snoop era in alcuna maniera collegata allo snoopy, il cane dalle Arachidi, ma non potrei mettere completamente il mia dito su esso. ..Then io finalmente il realiazed qualcosa! Loro entrambi l’ha gli orecchia grandi! Calcolo sono venuti dagli stessi genitori, che erano Charley Marrone e Lassie era il mom dello snoopy ed il babbo, ma poi il charley ha preso un divorzio quando ha preso ingannare di lassie con lo stagno di stagno di rin. Poi Charley il remarried Marrone a Xena, la principessa di guerriero. Questo è quando Snoop Dogg era nato. Lo Xena Charley sinistro Marrone perché lei nonostante l’ha chiamata un “dolore Buono”. Ha frainteso il significato di quest’e l’ha portato offensivamente. È uscita poi ed Hercules sposato. Il Charley non ha mai detto qualunque di suoi figli come erano raccontati ed ha scivolato nella depressione. Ha iniziato a bere pesantementemente ed il detto dolore buono finché non potrebbe tenere su qualunque più lungo. Ha fatto le valigie le sue borse ed è andato a cambiare di Messico il suo nome a Don Carlos Browne.
Norwegian
Jeg alltid beregnet snoop dogg var på noen måter koplet til snoopyhunden fra Peanøttermen jeg ikke helt kunne anbringe min finger på det..then jeg til slutt realiazed noe! De begge har store øre! Jeg beregner de kom fra de samme foreldrenesom var Charley Brun og Lassie var snoopys mamma og pappamen da charley fikk en skilsmisse da han fanget lassie som snyter med rin tinntinn. Da Charley Brun remarried til Xenakrigerprinsesse. Dette er når Snoop Dogg var født. Xena venstre side Charley Brun fordi hun skjønt han kalte henne enGod Sorg. Hun misunderstood det betyende av dette og tok det anstøtelig. Hun da drog ut og giftet seg med Hercules. Charley aldri fortalte noe av hans sønner hvordan de ble fortalt og han glapp inn i depresjon. Han begynte å drikke tungt og ordspråk god sorg til han ikke kunne holde på noe lengre. Han pakket inn hans sekker og drog til Mexico forandring hans navn til Don Carlos Browne.
Portuguese
Eu sempre imaginei dogg de snoop estava em algum meio ligou a snoopy, para o cachorro de Amendoim, mas mim bem nao podia por o meu dedo em ele. ..Then eu finalmente realiazed algo! Eles ambos têm orelhas grandes! Imagino vieram dos mesmos pais, que eram Charley Lassie Marrom era mom do snoopy e papai, mas então charley recebeu um divórcio quando pegou cheating de lassie com estanho de estanho de rin. Então Charley remarried Marrom a Xena, princesa de guerreiro. Isto é quando Dogg de Snoop nascia. O Xena Charley esquerdo Marrom porque ela embora chamou seu um “Boa Mágoa”. Ela misunderstood o querer dizer deste e tomou ofensivamente. Ela então saiu e Hercules casado. O Charley nunca contou qualquer dseus filhos como eles foram relacionados e escorregou em depressão. Começou bebida pesadamente e ditado boa mágoa até que ele nao podia agarrar-se mais. Empacotou suas sacolas e foi a mudança de México seu nome a Browne de Carlos de Don.
Joke #7835
Q: What is a vampire’s favorite drink?
A: A bloody Mary.
Those Crazy Americans
Buzz blared Elizabeth’s alarm. Elizabeth awoke and opened the blinds. The bright, gold, British sun shined through the window stinging her eyes like a blind man’s first site. She got out of bed and walked over to her computer. As she checked her E-mail she saw a message. It was from the Burns family in New York, New York. They invited her to come as an aupair to America.
Elizabeth ran to tell her parents the good news. It wasn’t long before the fourteen year old girl worked out all the details. Soon enough she was about to board her plain. Elizabeth felt a nervous feeling in her stomach. She had not yet seen any of the Burns family so you could understand her fear. Little did Elizabeth know that she would just now be exposed to insanity!
As Elizabeth stepped into the plane she saw an old man sitting across from her row on the right side of the plain. He looked to be in his fifties drinking a glass of orange juice. Elizabeth sat between to old men. One was senile and the other nearly deaf. Elizabeth thought to herself that this was going to be an interesting flight. As she fastened her seatbelt she was exposed to the pure maddness.
“Hello Young Lady, what is your name,” asked the senile looking old man. “I’m Bert but you can call me honey pie.”
“I’m Elizabeth.” “And sir what’s your name,” she asked looking at the second old man.”
“Notre Dame, a heck of a football team.”
“No!” Exclaimed Elizabeth. “Your name!” “What is your name.”
“They are certainly not lame!”
“Your name,” Elizabeth stated very slowly.
“Oh my name.” “Why didn’t you ask me sooner?” “I’m Jack.”
“And I’m Barry, Mrs. Beautiful,” said the first man.”
Barry reaches under his seat and pull out the small cup from a Children’s Tylenol bottle. Then he reaches under again and pulls out a carton of Orange Juice. He sips out of the carton. The stuardest comes and gives the man another carton. She then offers everyone a bag of peanuts. When she first comes to Elizabeth’s row she talks to Jack first.
“Here are your nuts, sir.”
“I’m not nuts!” I may not be one of them young fellers, but I’m still hip.”
“Let me tell you a story nut lady.”
“Where’s my passport to fun?” Interrupted Bert. “You can’t have the ice cream, Jill.” “Let’s dance.” I can’t afford that, refuse a chicken to my wife.”
“Huh,” Jack stated.
“Get me another carton of Orange Juice, I’m going for the record.”
Elizabeth got up and stayed in the bathroom for the next eight hours. She came out when the plane landed. Elizabeth came out of the plain and into New York City. She saw a family. There was an old lady in a wheel chair, a small man standing next to a big woman in overalls and a yellow shirt, a kid who looks about twelve wearing braces head gear, and a small Japanese woman.
“Welcome to the family,” exclaimed the woman! “This is Grandma Burns.” “This is my husband Chris.” “This little bundle of metallic joy is my son Nicholas.” ” And this is our Japanese aupair Ms. Woo.” “You can call me Momma!”
Elizabeth took her bags with her and everyone loaded into the Burn’s old Station Wagon. Momma started the engine and drove off. Bang! Boom, roared the engine as hordes of dust blasted out of the tail pipe like a sandstorm.
Everyone drove down to a local resturant. Ala’s BBQ “The Best Food in Ala New York.” Everyone sat down to eat. After they gave their orders they started up a conversation.
“Hey there Nicky,” stated Ms. Woo.
“Don’t call him that,” exclaimed Momma! “Call him one of those nick names again and all loose my mind!”
“Liz, do they eat fatty foods in Great Britian?” Asked Grandma. “Because your rather husky.” “I never had a very good history with husky people!” “No offense of course.”
Soon enough the bill come reading fourteen dollars and eighty-six cents. When Grandma saw the bill she gasped and put her hand over her heart. Momma tipped over Grandma’s wheel chair. Then the entire family got in the Station Wagon and drove off.
To be continued……
The Bar War
“I am a drug addict. This is my story.” I was sitting in my one room apartment, because I spent all my money on drugs. I just finished smiffing some crack when the crack demons appered! There were three green ones. They tryed to stabb me with there pitch forks. “Pinkie, HELP!!!!” I yelled and drank a six-pack quickly. Suddenly I heard a elephant call and my trusty pink elephant Pinkie ran in. He grabbed one demon with his trunk and choked it while he smashed the other 2 with his massive front legs. He tipped his hat to me and we went to the bar together for a drink.
The moral of the story-Don’t do crack,drink! Oh, and don’t try this at home this can only be done by drug induced hallucinations…so go get some!
Goopy Blip
Written in conjunction with elmoisfurry
–
It all started with an avocado. That damn fruit. I hate avocados. Avocados are green. They bounce. I don’t like bouncy things. Especially bouncing avocados that are green and hit mailman car thingys. This is my story. I’m a postal worker.
…………..
“BOO!!” said Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man. Naturally, I screamed. I was a bit of a pansy. I AM a mailman. I run away from a lot of things. Kittens…dogs…myself, but most of all clothes hangers. Clothes hangers are scary. They’re all pointy and stuff. If you brought one up to me, I’d scream like a little girl in a yellow polka dot dress. Its horrible…not really.
Y’know what I did when Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man scared me? I PEED MY PANTS! Quack, quack, quack, moo pie. Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man laughed at my pants, and gave me a free Moon Pie. The Moon Pie was cold. Mmmmmmmmm moon pie, taste like…………..moon. I had to think of a way to leave the Ice Cream Truck man…so I told him my peas were getting cold. He said he understood, and he left.
I was at home. In my underwear. Not boxers, but whitey tighties. I like the way they feel. My mother is a nut. Seriously. She’s a walnut. A giant walnut. Don’t ask me how my dad got me. It is a science unknown to man. Ahglahglah. So, I was sitting down…drinking a beer…watching soap operas…the good kind…you know, Vietnamese soap operas. I didn’t understand the soap operas, because the captions were in Vietnamese. That really pisses me off. But its funny because I dub for them. I record the soap operas and then leave them in the mail boxes I go to during work. Smell my cheese grater.
So, I went to work the next day. I had a few joints. Not like it mattered. I just tripped over a few chairs…regular postal etiquette. I got my box full of mail to make my rounds. It takes 9 hours at least to deliver all the mail. There’s this one guy that has half a box of mail everyday. Its all porn, too. He’s a crazy old man. I think he has two 89 year old granddaughters. He’s got to be as old as the White House. He has a dog, too, you know. It’s called Mr. Giant Fluffy Bunny Fur. Mr. GFBF for short. She (the dog) smells like Dr. Pepper and guacamole. Anywho!
I have my own place, but its a pile of mulch. I bought it on ebay. Ebay is a cool thingy. You can get beer for one dollar. And its easier than going to the store I live under. Sometimes, the toilets leak, and the flushed toilet water seeps through the boards, and waters my plants. I just had a seizure. Ok, now, I’ll tell you about my pets. I have a pet keyboard. He types stuff. He talks with me when I pet him. He only does it when he’s turned on. Yes…
Comma. Wait….coma. I’m in a coma. I don’t know how, but I am. Ok, I’m out of it. That was a nice one second coma. I’ll tell you a story. Its about a patio chair, and the way it impaled me.
I was sitting on a chair. Then my only friend, Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man, took his patio chair, and stuck it up my nose. LISTEN TO MY GIANT BLOATED ORANGE!!! LISTEN TO IT!!!!!!! I screamed, and screamed and screamed. It hurt like a mother walrus. Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man said he was sorry, and left, ringing his bell. I don’t know why he did that, because he didn’t have a bell…
I’ll tell you about a pillow. Pillows are funny. They’re soft and cuddly. But they’re also deadly. The feathers in my pillow punctured through the material surrounding it, and jammed into my eye. I thought I was being speared like a fish. OoOOoo, look at the lumpy sack of graham crackers.
I’m going to talk about a vacuum cleaner now. Vacuum cleaners are noisy. Sorta like a toilet, but the flushing noise is always there. Its really annoying. I’ll tell you something about vacuum cleaners. You can get sucked into them. Only if you’re two foot four or under. Jabba the Hut makes good slushies. I like the Backstreet Boys. They’re silly. SILLY LIKE A MOTH! That means they’re stupid, and they eat cloth. I’ll tell you another thing about them.
Oh, I have another story.
The End.
Wait, wait. I’m not done
The End.
The Janitor’s Great Adventure
The first time I saw the lady, I knew my life was over. But why start the story at the end? Let’s start from the beginning…
It was Saint Patrick’s Day, and everyone was drunk. That’s when I was made. Ain’t it grand? Anyway, I got born. Momma said I’d be a good janitor. Dadda said that I’d make a good towel rack. So I did what I thought I should do for a career. Be a janitor. Momma always liked it when I helped her work at home. She was a homework maker. The type of person that makes homework worksheets for schools and lazy teachers to use when they didn’t want to make their own.
Annnnnyyywayyy….my parents named me when I was old enough to go to college, even though I would never go to college. They named me after their favorite restaurant. Burger King. Burger King was a strong, forceful name, Dadda said. Dadda never married Momma. That meant Dadda could go out and hump the grass whenever he wanted. Dadda and Momma wanted to get married, but unfortunately, they were waiting for me to make income before they could use my money to get married, and give 5 dollars to all the dancers that would come. They were planning a grand marriage. One that would never come, because a freak accident happened to them. An invisible man came over and chopped their heads off, while they were getting stoned.
Poor unfortunate parents…
ANYWAY. I got hired at a school, and was treated with respect, people were so nice to me, saying hi to me then walking away laughing. I’m glad I made them happy. I think it was my smell that did it.
One day, I heard a rumor from one of the loser kids I became friends with, and sometimes buy alcohol for so he can give to other people, that a teacher was all high on heroin, and was raped 56 times up the ass. Of course it was a rumor, it wasn’t true…
Or was it?
I will never forget that day…February 31, 2009. You may say “hey wait a minute, February doesn’t have 31 days!” Well, I say to you “WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!” In the year 2009, the inhabitants of Bahrain got pissed off that February only had 28 days, and 29 days for some years, that they made a proposition at the United Nations to change that. Europe was in an outrage, and so was the Americas. But, China and India got behind Bahrain. The world made war on itself over the issue. Eventually a smart man said, “lets jus thave 31 days in February.” And everyone said, “ok” and stopped fighting. Treaties were signed, movies were made, history book writers were bored, and everyone went back to their boring old jobs.
Besides the fact that only a puppy lost his life from natural causes during the war, it was about time that…um…whatever…
Anyway, that teacher I told you about? 9 months after I heard that rumor, I saw her wobbling down the hallway, all fat and shit, and she shoulda been teaching her damn fangled Social Studies class. That bitch. She was screaming something about her water breaking to me, but I looked at the drinking fountain and it looked fine to me. Then she shook me by the collar screaming, “take me to the hospital, you assholeeeeee!!!”
I never been to a hospital, so I grabbed her, and got into my janitor car thingy, and shoved her in it too, driving down the main road in town, hoping to find the thing she was talking about.
I saw a big blue sign. Momma said that hospitals have big blue signs so I assumed it was the hospital, so I drove through the windows but when I crashed through it, everyone was sitting down at tables…eating pancakes…since when did hospitals have pancakes? But…I was wrong. Dead wrong.
The teacher was pissing all over the place, tossing baby poop, baby pee and babies all around the place,and people got pissed off and threw up, and tossed their pancakes at the waiters. Of course the waiters were getting mad, so the waiters charged the customers more money. We were smack dab in the middle of an IHOP. Don’t blame me, I’m just a janitor…
The End.
The Sad Pallet
Once upon a time there was an artist. He was an Impressionist that seemed to paint the saddest looking paintings when he used a particular pallet. He nicknamed the pallet George Jatus Sicklehymer Smit III, but for short, George.
George wasn’t really ever happy. He wasn’t popular in school, got bad grades, and didn’t get his first thumbing until he was 25. George was the saddest pallet in the world, and when the artist painted with him, the saddest shades of every color on him came out on the canvas.
One day, in the pallet box, Jonathon Ronald John Esquire (John for short) and Elizabeth Louise Patrick (Lizzy for short) were all sitting around drinking alcoholic paint. John and Lizzy had been going out for about 15 years, and often got their paint mixed up on each other, (if you know what I mean) and George often envied them, because he wanted to mix pain with someone, too.
So John and Lizzy, knowing how sad George was, thought they should help him out a bit. They thought it would be good for George to go to the paint store, and check out the teenagers. We all need some under-aged love sometimes, y’know. George thought about it, and decided to go along with what they suggested. As soon as George left, John and Lizzy made a mess of paint. There was so much paint dripping and squirting, it was nasty to watch.
Anywayyyy! George went to Mr. Rosebud’s Paint Shoppe. There were a lot of nice pallets and he liked the way their holes looked. He met a simple 15 year old pallet named Sandra. Sandra was actually a whore, but George didn’t know that, even though she had a tag that said “Whore Paint Supplies” and was priced at $8.99 without tax. It may give the impression that she was $8, like those damn corporate businesses want us to think, but its really $9! They think they can trick us with their sly methods of deceiving!
So then George and Sandra squirted some paint around (if you know what I mean) and when George found out Sandra was a whore, he shot her, then shot John and Lizzy and the artist. George was finally happy, as he was carted off to an art school.
Bad Pick Up Lines
– Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money for it?
– I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.
– My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.
– You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause you’re the Bomb.
– If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.
– Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I’ve seem to have lost mine.
– I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house.
– You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what’s one more going to hurt?
– Date me if I’m wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
– Excuse me, do you wanna date, or should I apologize?
– You must be Jamaican, because Ja-maican me crazy.
– Are your legs tired? You’ve been running through my mind all day long.
– Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
– Your awfly perrrtay.
– Love is like a box of chocolates and your full of sour cream and mustard with cheese wiz.
– Excuse me, do you think it could be possible, if there’s a chance, that if you want to go somewhere, and have no one to go with. And perhaps call me. Then we could go out. Maybe a in a unit. That is only speaking in certain terms….yak yak.
– Were you a Girl Scout? Because you have tied my heart in a knot.
– Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cause every time I see you, you turn me on!
– Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Jeffrey and you’re… gorgeous!
– Hey, is it just me, or are we destined to be married?
– If beauty were sunlight, you’d shine from a million light-years away.
– Did it hurt? You know, when you fell from heaven?
– I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
– You are under arrest for robbery. You stole my heart.
Things to Ponder
1. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
5. Why do “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
6. Why do “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
7. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
8. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
9. Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
10. Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
11. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
12. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
13. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
14. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
17. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
18. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
19. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
20. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
21. Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery?”
22. Why is it that if someone tells you that there is 1 billion stars in the universe you will believethem, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint on it you will have to touch it to be sure!
23. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
24. OK…so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
25. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?
26. Who closes the door after the bus driver gets off the bus?
27. Why are pizza boxes square when the pizza is round?
28. What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
29. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
30. Don’t you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their “practice” ?
31. Do they have the word “dictionary” in the dictionary?
32. What do you call a female daddy long legs?
33. If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
34. Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
35. If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
36. In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
37. Why is it called a “drive through” if you have to stop?
38. Why does mineral water that has “trickled through mountains for centuries” go out of date next year?
39. If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
40. Why are SOFTballs hard?
41. Do vampires get AIDS?
42. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
43. Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
44. Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
45. If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
46. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
47. Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
48. Can people without hands get a grip?
49. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
50. Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
51. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
52. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out”?
53. What do people in China call their good plates?
54. Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
55. If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
56. Does a postman deliver his own mail?
57. Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
58. If the professor on Giligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
59. Why dosent a chicken egg taste like chicken?
60. Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
61. Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
62. Do mimes watch silent movies?
63. Is the fear of flying groundless?
64. Why do people say “You scared the living daylights out of me” when daylight is not living?
65. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
66. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up “there” anyway?
67. If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
68. Why are boxing rings square?
69. Why is it called pineapple, when’s there neither pine nor apple in it?
70. Why is it called eggplant, when there’s no egg in it?
71. Why do people never say “it’s only a game” when they’re winning?
72. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
73. Why do birds have white poop?
74. Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
75. Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
76. Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn’t it be called an inlet.
77. If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
78. If you accidently ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
79. Do sore thumbs really stick out?
80. Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?
81. Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
82. What’s the opposite of opposite?
83. If Practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, then why practice?
84. Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
85. Is the opposite of “out of whack” “in whack”
86. If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
87. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
88. Why is the blackboard green?
89. Why do they call it a black light when it’s really purple?
90. Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
91. What do you call male ballerinas?
92. How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
93. If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
94. Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
95. Did they have antiques in the olden days?
96. Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
97. If Pringles are “so good that once you pop, you can’t stop” why do they come with a resealable lid?
98. Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
99. What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
100. Where does the white go when the snow melts?
101. Can blind people see their dreams?
102. What is the exception to the rule that every rule has an exception? Does that make this rule right or wrong?
103. Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
104. Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
105. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
106. If we all evolved from monkeys, how come there’s still monkeys around now?
107. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can’t go that fast on any road?
108. Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed” if afterwards it doesn’t work anymore?
109. If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
110. If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn’t they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren’t we all masochist?
111. why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
112. why is black history month (February) the shortest month of the year?
113. If when people freak out they are said to be “having a cow”, when cows freak out are they said to be “having a person?”
114. Aren’t you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don’t know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
115. Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?
116. Why do we leave expensive cars in the drivway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?
117. why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?
118. What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
119. Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn’t it be leaving a dump?
120. What if the hokey-pokey really is what it’s all about?
121. Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
122. If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
123. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
124. Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?
125. What would happen if an Irresistable Force met an Immovable Object?
126. What’s the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?
127. If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
128. how can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?
129. Why are both male and female ladybugs called ladybugs instead of ladybugs and manbugs?
130. How can you hear yourself think?
131. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
132. Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?
133. Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?
134. How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
135. If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?
136. If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
137. Why is it that when a person tells you there’s over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there’s wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
138. if you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?
139. Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?
140. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
141. If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light – how fast is a moving light?
142. why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
143. Why is it good to be a Daddy’s girl, but bad to be a Momma’s boy?
144. How can something be new and improved? if it’s new, what was it improving on?
145. Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
146. Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?
147. Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
148. Why is the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star the same tune?
149. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
150. How does santa get into a house that doesn’t have a chimney?
151. If you get cheated by the better business bereau, who do you complain to?
152. If you’re in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
153. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
154. What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
155. why are turds pinched off at the end?
156. I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
157. If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
158. Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn’t usually wear any pants?
159. If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
160. How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
161. What would you use to dilute water?
162. What should one call a male ladybird?
163. How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?
164. If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?
165. Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
166. If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
167. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
168. Aren’t all generalizations false?
169. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
170. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
171. Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
172. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
173. Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?
174. If so, how could you treat them?
175. Did Adam and Eve have navels?
176. Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
177. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?
178. But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
179. Do fish get cramps after eating?
180. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
181. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
182. Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
183. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as 4’s?
184. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
185. Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
186. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
187. How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
188. How can someone “draw a blank”?
189. How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
190. How can there be “self help GROUPS”?
191. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
192. How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
193. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
194. How do you know when you’re out of invisible ink?
195. How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
196. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
197. How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you’re never in darkness?
198. How is it possible to have a civil war?
199. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
200. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
201. If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?
202. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
203. If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?
204. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
205. If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
206. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
207. If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
208. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
209. How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn’t have anything to jot it down on?
210. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?
211. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
212. If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
213. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
214. If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
215. If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
216. If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
217. If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
218. If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
219. If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?
220. If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
221. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
222. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
223. If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
224. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
225. If God sneezes…what should you say?
226. If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
227. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
228. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
229. If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
230. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
231. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
232. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
233. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
234. If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of Congress?
235. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
236. If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
237. If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?
238. If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
239. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation? If superglue is so good, why doesn’t it stick to the side of the tube?
240. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why’s it still #2?
241. If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
242. If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
243. If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn’t they call you first?
244. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
245. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?
246. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
247. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
248. If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
249. If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?
250. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
251. If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
252. If you can read the marking, isn’t that end already up?
253. If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
254. If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
255. If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?
256. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
257. If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
258. If you have an open mind why don’t your brains fall out?
259. If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says — “objects in mirror are closer than they appear”, how can that be possible?
260. If you keep trying to prove Murphy’s Law, will something keep going wrong?
261. If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?
262. If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?
263. If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you’re done?
264. If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
265. If you take a shower, where do you put it?
266. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
267. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
268. If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
269. If you’re traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
270. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
271. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
272. Is it possible to be totally partial?
273. Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?
274. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
275. Is there a Dr. Salt?
276. Isn’t hot water already hot?
277. Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
278. Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
279. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
280. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
281. Shouldn’t it be called a “near hit”?
282. Shouldn’t it be some things in moderation?
283. Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?
284. There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
285. What came first the chicken or the egg?
286. What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
287. What colour would a smurf turn if you choked it?
288. What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
289. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
290. What do sheep count when they can’t sleep?
291. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
292. What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
293. What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
294. What happened to the first 6 ups?
295. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
296. What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?
297. What is a free gift?
298. Aren’t all gifts free?
299. What is another word for “thesaurus”?
300. What is the speed of dark?
301. What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
302. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
303. What’s another word for synonym?
304. When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?
305. When people lose weight, where does it go?
306. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
307. When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
308. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
309. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
310. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
311. When you’re sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
312. Where are Preparations A through G?
313. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
314. Who invented accents?
315. Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
316. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
317. Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?
318. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
319. Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
320. Why are there never any artist’s materials in a drawing room?
321. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
322. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
323. Why are they called ‘stands’ when they’re made for sitting?
324. Why are we afraid of falling?
325. Shouldn’t we be afraid of the sudden stop?
326. Why aren’t there bullet-proof pants?
327. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
328. Why didn’t Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
329. Why do airlines call flights nonstop?
330. Won’t they all stop eventually?
331. Why do bars advertise live bands?
332. What does a dead band sound like?
333. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
334. If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?
335. Why do guys wear underpants?
336. Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
337. Why do they call it disposable douche?
338. Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
339. Why do they call them “apartments” when they are all stuck together?
340. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
341. Why do they report power outages on TV?
342. Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
343. Why do ‘tug’boats push their barges?
344. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
345. Why do we have hot water heaters?
346. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
347. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
348. Why do we sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’, when we are already there?
349. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
350. Why do you weep and sniffle over a TV program and the imaginary Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?
351. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
352. Why does an alarm clock “go off” when it begins ringing?
353. Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
354. Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?
355. Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?
356. Why don’t you ever hear about gruntled employees?
357. Why don’t you ever see baby pigions?
358. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
359. Why is a women’s prison called a penal colony?
360. Why is it called a “building” when it is already built?
361. Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
362. Why is it called a TV “set” when you only get one?
363. Why is it called ‘after dark’, when it is really after light?
364. Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
365. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
366. Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open it’s not adoor?
367. Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a “near miss”?
368. Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
369. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
370. Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
371. Why is the alphabet in that order?
372. Is it because of that song?
373. Why is the word “abbreviate” so long?
374. Don’t you have to get up to get to the tape?
375. Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
376. Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
377. Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?
378. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
379. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
380. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
381. You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
382. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
383. After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
384. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
385. Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
386. Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
387. Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
388. Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
389. Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
390. Have ex-punsters been expunged?
391. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out”?
392. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
393. If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
394. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
395. Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
396. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
397. If we call Pacfic Sun “PacSun” and Pacifc Bell “PacBell,” why don’t we call the Pacific Ocean “PacOcean?”
398. If you eat lady fingers with your hands what do you eat with your feet? Tofu?
Joke #5292
A blind man enters a Ladies’ Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things …..
1 – The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 – The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 – I’m a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah…Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Joke #5233: We Don’t Serve Snails…
A bartender and he was closing up for the night when he hears a knock at the door. He opened it and looked around, but saw no one. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a small snail.
The snail says, “Hey Barkeep!…Can you get me a drink?”
“I’m afraid I can’t,” the bartender said. “First of all, we’re closed. And second of all, we don’t serve snails here!” With that, he picks up the snail and throws it across the street.
One week later, the same bartender was closing up for the night when again there’s a knock at the door. He opens the door but sees nobody. He looks down and sees the exact same snail from the week before.
Angrily, the snail looks up at him and yells… “What the heck did you do THAT for?!!!!!!”