“‘The role of the person lying on the street is to roll out of the way before the car runs over him so that the car would swerve to the right and blow up to try not to hit him,’ said the drama teacher.”
– davepoobond, for a 7th grade writing assignment
A priest and a rabbi were walking down the side walk.
On the other side of the street they see a 12 year old boy.
The priest says “Lets go fuck him.”
The rabbi looks for a minute and then says “Out of what?”
Went outside to walk my dog and these things happened:
2 people were pulled over in their car in a “no stopping at any time” zone. One was on his phone away from the open passenger car door. The other, which I assume was a girl, was making puking/spitting sounds inside the car, even though the car door was open and she was actually standing outside. and the guy was just on his phone talking about something I didn’t understand.
I cut across the street so I don’t have to walk past them. then I see some random fat lady sitting on the concrete box thing full of phone/cable equipment or whatever it is in there just sitting there doing nothing, staring at a wall.
Then I avoid her and walk back towards where I came from, and some old guy comes out of the gate and just stands there and just stares at stuff around, he’s not even doing anything.
So I walk farther down the sidewalk away from him, and some shirtless younger looking guy is walking in my direction putting a shirt on. He says something like “good morning” to me and then goes over to where the old guy is and stands around him. No idea what they’re saying cause im far away from them at that point.
So I’m kinda looking in the general direction to see if they’re doing a drug deal, then I see the fat lady getting up and walking down the middle of the street going towards something I didn’t care to find out because I was freaked out and ran back into my house.
And this all happened before 12 am, thursday night… wtf was that all about?
A young man was walking past a blind woman using a cane on a street corner downtown, when she said, “Excuse me, but if it’s
not too much trouble, can you see me across the street?”
Our good Samaritan replied, “Just a minute.” He walked across the street, looked back and yelled, “Yes, I can see you fine!”
These are from potential visitors to Australia. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a snide sense of humor.
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets, especially The Taipans.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
A down-and-out musician was playing his guitar on a street corner.
Striding over, an angry policeman asked: “May I see your permit?”
“I don’t have one,” said the musician.
“In that case, you’ll have to accompany me,” said the cop.
“Cool,” exclaimed the musician. “What do you want to sing?”
Q: Why did the bean help the old woman across the street?
A: He was hoping to join the Boy Sprouts.
You Know You Are From A Small Town When…
– The local phone book has only one yellow page.
– Third Street is on the edge of town.
– The “road hog” in front of you on Main Street is a farmer’s combine.
– You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it’s still there, on the same chair.
– You don’t signal turns because everyone knows where you’re going, anyway.
– No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
– You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.
– Everyone knows all the news before it’s published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.
– The McDonalds only has only one Golden Arch.
– A “Night on the Town” takes only 11 minutes.
– You have to name six surrounding towns to explain to people where you’re from.
– Headline news is who grew the biggest vegetable this year.
– You can name everyone you graduated with.
– School gets canceled for state sporting events.
– Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
– Directions are given using “the” stop light as a reference
– It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
Q: How do you make a California shake?
A: Hold the glass still and shake the street.
Q: What street does a ghost live on?
A: A dead-end street!
“One day I was walking down the street singing ‘doo-wah-didee didee dum-didee-dee'”
– stimpyismyname
“they’re doin it in the streets of Long Beach!”
– from the Radio
“oh come onnnn! label the streets like the rest of the country!”
– Little Nicky (2000)
“The destitute woman lived on the streets, and slept in a box”
– Miss Canoffat
Q: What street does a ghost live on?
A: A dead end.