tovar – v. to carry a large bag of frozen french fries on your shoulder while in the grocery store
Posts tagged with 'grocery store'
Bizarro Facebook #22529: Annual Deaths From Marijuana
A friend on Facebook posted this picture, which prompted the following conversation (I was being facetious, on purpose, but Oliver couldn’t get that from what I was saying, apparently):
Oliver Potisillegal: Damn peanuts, you scary!
davepoobond: couldnt you say that there are no deaths in marijuana because the government has done a very good job of limiting the adverse affects of the abuse of the drugs?
Oliver Potisillegal: David – The gov’t has done nothing to limit any adverse effects of the most widely available dangerous drugs; prescription drugs. Vicodin, oxycontin, xanax, adderall, codeine, and other opiates. So yeah I stand by my statement. by pushing people into more dangerous drugs, including alcohol, and tobacco instead of cannabis, the government has only lined the pockets of big pharma and the cartels.
davepoobond: well, that would be a fallacious argument. just because they havent done anything for other things doesn’t mean they didn’t do anything for the prior. just sayin!
Oliver Potisillegal: My point remains valid, just because nobody has died of cannabis through direct use, doesn’t mean it can be attributed to the government’s efforts. There’s hard evidence that the gov’t has done the contrary. This countries drug policies are seriously outdated, cause more harm than good and are pushing people into illicit black markets. Despite that, why hasn’t there been a single documented case of cannabis toxicity/overdose/
davepoobond: thats because we havent put a bunch of people that just hit the bong behind the wheel and say “let’s see what happens” yet
Oliver Potisillegal: As a matter of fact, yes,
davepoobond: then why do it at all
Oliver Potisillegal: Because If one decides to do it at all, it’s their choice and right, not the government’s. Besides I find it very hypocritical for society to push a culture of alcoholism and tobacco use yet at the same time vilify cannabis as a scourge when the real scourge is right in front of their noses. Despite that, I’d never condone outlawing alcohol or tobacco because well, it simply does not work. Do you remember reading about alcohol prohibition? The same thing is happening now, except that instead of going after the Al Capones and Nucky Johnsons, they’re going after patients and their caregivers. If you still do not believe of the benefits of cannabis vs. prescription drugs, alcohol, or tobacco, then this list will help clarify that cannabis is indeed useful to humanity:
Oliver Potisillegal: I’m enjoying this little debate, but seriously, our country’s antiquated drug laws are in need of serious reform. Too many people are being put away for possessing a plant. During its 4,000 year history of human use, cannabis has been medicine longer than it’s been a “dangerous narcotic.”
davepoobond: I don’t see how you can argue that society “pushes” a culture of alcoholism and tobacco use. The opposite is true. In fact I would say I was MORE pushed into smoking weed than either of the other two, which I never partook in tobacco or marijuana, and rarely for alcohol. So I still don’t understand what the point of smoking weed is if it doesn’t inhibit anything otherwise what is the point
Gloria: david, just look at the ads on TV, or in any magazine. you will find your answers.
Oliver Potisillegal: By point do you mean to get high? Because from a recreation viewpoint that’s the point of weed. I mean what’s the point of alcohol, to get intoxicated, right? However, there are additional medical benefits to marijuana than simply to get “high.” I’m not going into specific details because you can look it up on your own. You may not see any point, but more and more people including me, see it differently.
davepoobond: gloria, the only ads on tv that i see for tobacco are anti-use ads. also, magazines? this isn’t the 90s. print is not a influential form of media nowadays and will continue to decline. not to mention the top 4 magazines, including two AARP magazine publications, Better Homes and Gardens, and Game Informer would probably not ever have a print ad for a cigarette or even any alcohol brands. hard alcohol ads have only started appearing in the past couple years and they are heavily regulated, not to mention they arent even allowed to show anyone “drinking” the alcohol. And the most heavily advertised beers, like Bud Light and Coors Light are practically water anyway and the way they advertise isn’t as convincingly evil as you would make it out to be.
oliver, there are “additional benefits” to drinking alcohol as well. wine, for instance. i’m not gonna say any tobacco product has any “health benefits” but people can argue that there are just as easily as people who argue that marijuana has medical benefits as well.
Oliver Potisillegal: You realize that it’s not the alcohol itself that’s adding the benefits, but the polyphenols that are antioxydants. And you can argue whatever benefits alcohol may have all night, but that’s missing the point of my post entirely.
Second, this isn’t the 90’s? Have you picked up a copy of Rolling Stone? because I can point out at least 3-4 ads in your average issue for Bud Light, Stella Artois, Heineken, Absolut, Sky, should I continue?
Oliver Potisillegal: When one is inundated with alcohol and cig ads their whole life, one becomes desensitized and may not perceive any “evil.” My point is give me a choice, it’s my right, not the government’s.
davepoobond: so then once marijuana becomes legal how do you perceive marijuana ads doing the same thing alcohol and tobacco ads are doing? not as bad because why?
davepoobond: and rolling stone is not a kids magazine. you’re not giving people enough credit by saying they don’t already have a choice to choose to do the things they want to do.
davepoobond: you already have access to the marijuana you have and you already have the means to justify that it has no adverse effects on livelihood and presents no danger to anyone. you want to legalize it for what reason? to rationalize that it “isn’t bad for you” in the eyes of the government? what does it matter, you’re already doing it if you are and you’re already choosing to not do it if you don’t want to. the only reason to make the government not make it illegal is so that you can see advertising and see it in a grocery store, both of which are moot points because you already have access and the advertising doesn’t exactly appeal to anyone.
He never responded.
The Bipolar Bear and the Water Skiing Buffalo
One day there was a polar bear. He had issues. He had a sister who always overreacted about everything ever that ever happened. His mom wasn’t that much better. Unfortunately for this polar bear, he became nicknamed the Bipolar Bear due to his inherent illnesses contracted by the social oppression created by his familial situation.
When the Bipolar Bear was old enough to move out of his house, he moved to sunny California. He had to get a roommate because he didn’t have enough money for his own room, so he had to post a lot of advertisements on telephone poles and traffic signs. A couple of his signs actually caused some accidents because they flew away after the tape had eroded and flew into the open-windowed cars, causing paper cuts of a severe nature that killed almost instantly. It was a windy day.
It was the worst of times. It was the best of times. The Water Skiing Buffalo was doing so many chicks he couldn’t count them. He was soooo cool. That was until the economy fell and he couldn’t pay for his buffahoes anymore. His full-time job of being the only water skiing buffalo, hence his name, became commoditized with a sudden influx of foreign sea gulls learning how to drive boats, allowing for multitudes of different animals who have no business being on the water, on the water, resulting in a rapid loss of money. Broken, shamed, and nowhere else to go, the Water Skiing Buffalo headed to California because that’s where everyone goes when they want to feel like they’re better than they are. He thought if he could get on a couple of movie sets and show them what he’s got, they’d hire him to do some water skiing in front of a camera, since he was pretty good looking.
Anyway, to make a long, boring interlude short, the Water Skiing Buffalo and the Bipolar Bear somehow ended up living together. They became sorta good friends, but they don’t really hang out a lot. Only like three days out of the week do they even see each other, and they live together! That’s crazy! Right?!?! I don’t even KNOW what they’re doing!
So, one day, as the Water Skiing Buffalo and the Bipolar Bear hiked down Sunset Avenue, they met a lady with a booming voice who was talking about a lot of religious malarkey. She was shouting about how she repented and used to be a sinner and used to be the enemy of God. How this witch of a lady could go around and just yell random nonsense without anyone telling her to shut up because of her uncanny ability to make her voice travel through the dimensions of space, time, and jelly, was beyond them.
The Enemy of God, who really was a witch, had a sick obsession with jelly, and to a higher exponential form, preserves. She saw the water buffalo and the polar bear and conceived a diabolical plot to acquire all of their jelly! The two roommates just moved in like three months ago and they don’t usually eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches so they had like two jars of unopened jelly just waiting to have the life sucked out of them by The Enemy of God.
The Enemy of God called her rich friend President Hagen. He was in charge of a local college and was going to be ousted soon due to an impeachment process. He was being impeached because he ordered 600 computers and drove them to Alaska. He wasn’t even USING them for the school! He was going to build a large server house and sell Canadian money to Americans over the Internet, and make a 50% profit. Depending on when you read this story, it might make sense or it might not make sense. This story was written future-proof, just in case American money becomes more expensive than Canadian money again.
President Hagen picked up the phone and he was in the Jacuzzi. He was throwing darts at the staff members who reported him to his bosses. He kept like a bushel of these pictures in random places so that he can always do something lewd toward them, like wipe his arm pit sweat, waft his fart, or blow his burp at them. Once he bought a Thank You card, and wrote a derogatory word that did not actually describe said person after “Thank You” inside the card. Needless to say, he did not put a return address on there. This man was as rude as they came. How he greased the palms of everyone during his road to the presidency is an undocumented and probably illegal ordeal, on account of him being a grade A number 1 doodoo rag.
President Hagen, holed up in his Alaskan server complex had his 600 Computers working in tandem to serve his needs and his online business. He had one computer just to control his Jacuzzi, that’s how many computers he had. He got a call over the popular internet voice calling program TalkToMyFaceCauseTheHandsAin’tTypin or THAT for short from his friend, The Enemy of God. The Enemy of God yelled through her phone and conveyed to President Hagen her plans. Not that it mattered too much since he wasn’t even listening and was playing minesweeper on his computer.
After he hung up with The Enemy of God, President Hagen got out of the Jacuzzi and put a towel on. He walked into his quarter million dollar bathroom with heated AND cooling toilet seats (also managed by a computer) and began typing on a pull out computer while he was doing his doo-dy on the toilet. His secondary server complex located in Nevada, the aptly named Hagen Dessert Server Complex (the Alaskan one was named the Hagen Iced Latte Server Complex) was running a little hot, and he adjusted the air conditioner.
“No melting ice cream, today, Nevada…” The President said in between farts.
The President finished up, and wiped his ass with a picture of Juniper Rodriguez, a senior staff member at Hoodywoody College.
“You like the taste of that, Juniper?”
The President got up and put his towel back on. He then grabbed a picture of Daniel Torres, another senior staff member, lit it on fire and dropped it in the toilet.
“BURN, DANIEL, BURN!!”
An hour or two later, President Hagen was passed out on his couch and snoring very loudly. Oliver 6800, the boy robot slave President Hagen constructed from the innards of five computers, trembled in front of his master, as he wanted to ask him for more hard drive space.
“Please, sir, may I have some more?” Oliver 6800 chirped.
President Hagen awoke and yelled, “MOOOOOORREEEEEEEEE??????”
President Hagen then beat Oliver 6800… at Hearts.
The next day…
“Have you seen my mommy??” Oliver 6800 asked President Hagen.
“Mommy????????????????????????” President Hagen threw his hands into the air.
President Hagen then beat Oliver 6800… at Monopoly. It was a five hour ordeal and pretty gruesome.
Then child services came and acquired Oliver 6800 from President Hagen because he was abusing his robotic child.
Back to the Enemy of God, she was arrested later that evening for knowingly aiding a child abuser, even though the child abuser himself would not be charged and would be allowed to continue in his weird abuse of technology for some time to come. She was also arrested for stealing a pallet of jelly from a grocery store that kept tens of thousands of dollars of jelly in their store room.
As for the oddly paired Bipolar Bear and Water Skiing Buffalo, they lived together for 7 years, decided it was in their best interests to apply for Common Law Marriage for the tax breaks and then cheated the system out of food stamps for years to come. Those stamps sure did taste good, the glue was flavored!
Moral: Don’t take more than you need.
Anti-Barney the Dinosaur Song #22078
My names Pete
I ain’t neat
Barney likes my stinky feet
He’s big fat purple headed mess of a dinasour
Barney robbed a grocery store
After a long day of shopping, my mother and I stopped at a grocery store. I ran in to pick up a few things, leaving her in the car. As I approached the checkout I was surprised to see my mother there waiting for me.
“Mom,” I said, “what are you doing in here? I left the motor running.”
“It’s all right, dear,” she replied reassuringly. “I locked the doors.”
My husband and I often spell words so that our small children won’t understand what we’re saying. I didn’t realize what a habit this had become until one day when my husband and I were in the grocery store at the soup aisle.
An aggressive young woman banged into our cart, then nudged me over, blocking my access to the soup. Annoyed, I looked at my husband and said, “Boy is she r-u-d-e!”
“Yeah,” he replied, “but I’ll bet she can s-p-e-l-l.”
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son’s a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, “Are those your kids?”
“Yes, they are!” I answered proudly.
“They adopted?” he asked.
“Yes,” I replied.
“I thought so,” he concluded. “I figured you’re too old to have kids that small.”
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon.
I was under the lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, “Man, I look like a clown.”
I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me.
He asked, “Are you giving out balloons?”
FAQ About Australia
These are from potential visitors to Australia. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a snide sense of humor.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets, especially The Taipans.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
“ok, everybody! put on your cottage cheese dresses and whip cream hats! we’re goin to the super market!”
“either she’s going to the supermarket and go to the bakery, unless she buys one at the supermarket and one at the bakery…
(a lot of rambling goes on here)
….but she’s not going to do that!”
– Dr. OldNBald
GROCER: “May I help you, Miss?”
MISS: “Yes. How much are those tomatoes?”
GROCER: “80 cents a pound.”
MISS: “Do you raise them yourself?”
GROCER: “Yep. yesterday they were 70 cents a pound.”
The Worst Ralphs in the World
The worst Ralphs in the world appears to be within the same vicinity as the worst Burger King in the world. Same people must own them, or something.
So when I went to Ralphs to find some eye contact solution, I couldn’t find any cause I needed some that had Saline in it. Apparently most eye contact solution does not have saline in it for whatever reason. I don’t use it, I just had to get it for someone.
So I had to ask a lady about it, and she said “top of the shelf aisle 7.” I told her I already looked and that I couldn’t find any. She said “oh, then that’s all we have then. SORRRYYYYY.” She didn’t try and help me look or anything. Would have been nice customer service to do so, don’t you think? That’s what I do at my job every time someone is looking for something. I actually help them!
By some miracle I actually did find what I was looking for, because only after I ask people for help do I find what I’m looking for.
So I grabbed what I went there for, and went into the “Express Lane.” There were 2 lanes open at the time. And the Express Lane had like 15 people in it. Ok, whatever.
Some old black lady stood behind me for like two seconds. I didn’t notice until later that she wasn’t behind me anymore, and already a line of like 5 more people was behind me.
All of a sudden the black lady comes back and cuts everyone. The person that was behind me asked “excuse me, ma’am, are you in line?”
The black lady said “I am, I am behind him” and she touches my shirt sleeve.
I was about to say “Lady, you can’t leave the line and then come back in where you left,” but I just said “Umm…I don’t remember you behind me.” How can someone expect me to remember who was behind me in a line at a supermarket?
So the black lady doesn’t even move, she just stays there and crowds my ass, giving me barely any room to move around, because the pussies that were behind me let her stay in line and cut everyone behind them too.
So I had a crazy old black woman buying some frozen chicken and two little red peppers behind me, and some weird black dude with a weird hat you’d see some Prime Minister of an African nation wear on their head when they’re not killing peasants. He also had a gold cane, and was buying two packs of Lipton white ice tea.
When the cashier rang up the ice teas for the guy, the fucking things were supposedly on sale, but the computer wasn’t reflecting that. So I had to wait like what seemed like ten minutes for them to figure out the whole deal. And it really wasn’t that complicated to figure out, it was just taking them a long time to do. Sad thing is, the cashier was an “assistant manager” as dictated on her name tag. Pathetic.
During the wait, the crazy black woman that cut everyone in line started complaining, muttering things under her breath while she was three inches away from my face.
Instead of actually figuring out how the iced tea should be discounted, the assistant manager just punched in some “customer satisfaction” non merchandise code and gave the dude six bucks, three dollars off for each of the iced tea things. How nice of them.
Now where’s my customer satisfaction payoff? Some Ralphs executive is probably wiping his ass with it and flushing it down the toilet.
“You’re So Stupid” Insults
These can also double as “Your mom is so stupid that…” or “Your mom is so stupid…” or “I knew a Blonde so stupid that…” or “You’re so dumb that…” or “Your mom so dumb that…” or “Your mamma/momma so stupid that…”
You’re so stupid…
…you sent me a fax with a stamp on it!
…you thought a quarter back was a refund!
…you tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order!
…you thought Boyz II Men was a day care center!
…you thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools! (not that many kids know who Eartha Kitt is, she’s a singer)
…you thought General Motors was in the Army!
…you thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats!
…you thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday!
…under “education” on job applications you put “Hooked on Phonics”!
…you tried to drown a fish!
…you tripped over the cordless phone!
…you stared at the orange juice carton because it said “concentrate”!
…you got stabbed in a shoot out!
…you asked me to meet you at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK”!
…they had to burn down the school to get you out of 3rd grade!
…on applications that say “Sign Here” you put “Libra!”
…at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”… you put “Sagittarius.”
…you asked for a price check at the Dollar Store!
…it takes you 3 hours to watch “60 Minutes!”
…you studied for a blood test and failed!
…you tried to buy tokens to get on to “Soul Train!”
…when you saw under 17 not admitted at the movies you went out and got 16 friends!
…when you heard 90% of accidents happen at home you moved!
…you think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company!
…you think Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
…when you missed the #44 bus you took the #22 bus twice instead!
…when the sign said Airport Left you turned around and went home!
…you climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side!
…you sold your car for gas money!
…you got trapped in a grocery store and starved to death.
…you sat on the TV and watched the couch.
…you called me to get my phone number.
…you put lipstick on your forehead because you wanted to make up your mind.
…if I gave you a penny for your thoughts, I’d get change back.
…they had to burn the school down to get you out of third grade.
…you took a ruler to bed to see how long you slept.
…if you spoke your mind, you’d probably be speechless.
…you got locked in a mattress store and slept on the floor.
…you jumped off a cliff to see if the wings on your maxi pads would make you fly!
…you locked yourself in a bathroom and pissed in your pants.
…you tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
…you asked someone how to spell “TV.”
…you bought a solar-powered flashlight.
…you looked in the lake and saw a reflection of yourself, jumped in, and tried to save yourself from drowning.
…you grabbed a bowl when I said it was chilly outside.
…you left me a voicemail by screaming into my mailbox.
…you went to the beach to surf the internet.
…you stuck a phone up your ass to make a booty call.
…you went to get a ladder when you heard drinks were on the house.
…you went to the library to find Facebook.
…you went to the dentist to get your Bluetooth fixed.
…you sprayed a tree with Axe body spray and thought it would fall down.
…you tried to climb Mountain Dew.
…when you took a survey that asked you your sex you put in “M, F, and sometimes Wednesday”
…you bought tickets to Xbox Live.
…you went to Babies R Us and asked where the babies were.
…you fell up a flight of stairs.
…when your TV got stolen, you chased the robber shouting “You forgot the remote!”
…you made an appointment with Dr. Pepper.
…you returned a doughnut because it had a hole in it.
…when you were in court, the Judge said “Order” and you said “Fries and a Coke, please.”
…it took you an hour to make one minute rice.
…you got fired from a blow job.
…you got hit by a cup and told the police you got mugged.
…you stood on a chair to raise your IQ.
…you had to ask what the number was for “9-1-1.”
…when you saw the “On Air” sign you said, “Let’s go down, I’m afraid of heights.”
…when a zombie said it wanted brains, it walked right past you.
…you went to a pipe company looking for YouTube.
…when people said you killed the vibe, you went to the police and said “Arrest me, I’m a murderer.”
…you stood on a chair to raise your IQ.
…when you saw a nickel, you said “I’m going to give this to Jefferson!”
…when someone gives you a piece of paper with ‘please turn over’ written on both sides, it’ll keep you busy for hours.
…you put a quarter in each ear and thought you were listening to 50 Cent.
…you bought Norton antivirus when you had a cold.
Below are specific to the following versions of “You’re So Stupid” insults
Your momma so stupid…
…she loved you!
shopcott – v. to protest mistreatment by store employees through the practice of shopping there as often as possible