eettotsiv – v. to rub medicine on your foot and then immediately scratch your eye afterwards
Q: What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs, and an eye patch?
dereseedie – v. to replace your eye balls with erasers
“I have an albino fetish especially the ones with red eyes.”
– a girl’s dating profile
Q: What’s a fish without any eyes?
A: A fsh.
Q: What four things can’t you give a black guy?
A: A black eye, a fat lip, a job, and an education.
“Beauty is in the eye of…
…for some reason, Hugh Hefner.”
– Matt Sussman
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap… and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. It was the best meal he ever had.
“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”.
“No,” she replies… “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday.
“I’d love to be six again,” she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear — everything there was!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie – and hotdogs, popcorn, soda pop, and candy. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?”
She half opened one eye. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.”
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon.
I was under the lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, “Man, I look like a clown.”
I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me.
He asked, “Are you giving out balloons?”
Q: What’s a cat’s favorite vegetable?
A: Birds’ Eye
“Get your boob out of my eye”
“he’s got night vision in his left eye”
– from the Radio