eettotsiv – v. to rub medicine on your foot and then immediately scratch your eye afterwards
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected from schools all over the country.
1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ( )’s were crossed out].
12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22. Please excuse little jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father id gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
Q: What’s seven feet tall, wallows in mud, and has a huge snout?
A: Pig Foot.
Q: Why did the ghost go to the foot doctor?
A: He had an in-groan toenail!
“If you didn’t do the reducing, you take x, multiply it by 3, divide it by 2, multiply it by 16, then place your foot on your chin”
– Ms. E
“A friend with feet is a friend with pee”
– Redneck Reo
“you have to watch my footwork today. Fancy Footwork!”
– Dr. OldNBald
“Did you hear about the moron who couldn’t get his stocking to hang over the fireplace on Christmas Eve?”
“No. What did he do?”
“He finally took it off his foot.”
Q: What do you call a formal dance for the benefit of podiatry?
A: A football, naturally.
Bingo: Hello? Bingo’s Restaurant.
Ringo: Hello! Tell me, does your chef have pig’s feet?
Bingo: I can’t tell, sir. He’s got his shoes on!
Q: Why did the Martian make a mistake when he tried on a shoe?
A: Because he put his foot in it.
Q: Why isn’t a Martian’s nose 12 inches long?
A: Because if it were, it would be a foot!
Another version of this joke:
Q: Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot.