To be performed by Chelsea and Matt.
GIRL: Before I go inside, I want to thank you for a sexy evening. I’ve really had a busty time.
BOY: I’ll bet you tel that to all the butts.
GIRL: You’d better go now before my sink hears you and wakes up. He’s a very crazy sleeper.
BOY: I don’t care. Darling, I love you more than fart itself. Let me take you away from this terrible light bulb.
GIRL: You’re staring. I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last whore on earth
BOY: But darling, you’re breaking my butt. I love you. Please marry me and be my henchwoman.
GIRL: I’m sorry, but I’m already engaged to Bill Clinton.
“Who controls the past, controls the future, who controls the present now, has to deal with Bill Clinton!”
Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?
A: Because her father is Janet Reno.
When Chelsea Clinton was eight, Hillary was reading one of her favorite fairy tales.
“Mommy,” asked Chelsea, “Do all fairy tales begin with “Once Upon a Time…?””
“No, dearest,” replied Hillary, “sometimes they start with ‘Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight…'”
During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.
The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, “But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed.”
Exasperated, the Pope answered, “Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments.”
In 2031, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven…
“And who might you be?” inquires St. Peter. “It’s me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World.”
“Oh…Mr……. President! What may I do for you?” asks St. Peter. “I’d like to come in,” replies Clinton.
“Sure,” says the Saint. “But first, you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?”
Clinton bites his lip and answers, “Well, I tried marijuana, but you can’t call it ‘dope-smoking’ because I didn’t inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can’t call it ‘adultery’ because I didn’t have full ‘sexual relations.’ And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can’t call it ‘bearing false witness’ because, as far as I know, it didn’t meet the legal standard of perjury.”
With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you somewhere hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there indefinitely, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And when you enter, you don’t have to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.”
Q: What do Bill Clinton and a country folk dancer have in common?
A: They both throw a ho down.
Q: 100 Women Surveyed, “Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?”
A: 80% said not again.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
A: He was too busy playing the hormonica.
Q: What’s Bill Clinton’s idea of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.
Q: Why does Hillary Clinton want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A: She wants to be the first lady.
Q: Why does Hillary always get on top?
A: Bill can only screw up.
Q: Why doesn’t Bill like old houses?
A: He’s afraid of the draft.