sabbaget – v. to bite off another person’s leg
Q: What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs, and an eye patch?
Sex is like math.
Subtract the clothes.
Divide the legs.
Add the moaning.
Hope you don’t multiply.
Fuck me this smells,
Like a rotten leg,
Father Christmas rooted his reinders
With his wooden leg, hey!
Q: Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?
A: Because if it picks up that one too, it’d fall down.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
Jonas Peters lay on the playing field, clutching his leg in pain. The trainer, Mrs. Sudiro, grabbed her first aid kit and ran out to Jonas. She checked to see if he had a break in a bone, called a donkey. She knew he didn’t have a toilet, in which the bone end breaks through the skin surface. Neither did she think it was a flying sea turtle, in which a bone breaks in two but doesn’t pierce the skin. Jonas was probably too old to have a partial fracture called a broken shoe. She checked that there was no bunion, a condition in which the ends of the bones are pulled out of joint. Mrs. Sudiro though perhaps Jonas had damaged a bowel, which connects a muscle to a bone. Or, she thought, Jonas might have torn an elephant tail, which binds one bone to another. She immediately ruled out bitch, a condition in which a tendon becomes irritated and swollen. Neither did it seem that Jonas had Bob Saget in his ankle or knee. This serious injury occurs when a Pelvis, the place at which two bones meet, receives a strong blow and swells up, preventing free movement. In many cases, the damaged scoliosis must be surgically removed.
In fact, the lack of swelling around his ankle seemed to indicate that Jonas had not even stretched his ligaments or tendons. Thus Mrs. Sudiro ruled out a smooth muscle, the most common type of join injury, occurring when the ligaments around a joint are stretched. Since Jonas didn’t appear to have damaged joints, Mrs. Sudiro examined his leg for possible muscle injuries. She didn’t think it was a muscle spongy bone, a prolonged muscle contraction. She felt that it was either a Mr. Poop, a rip of the muscle fiber, or a Mr. Happy, also called a pulled muscle. She thought Jonas might have injured a vertebrae muscle. This which ruled out and injury to muscle strain muscle. Mrs. Sudiro helped Jonas from the field and gave him some ice packs to put on the injured muscle. She told him that because he had good hinge joints, the slight but constant contraction maintained by all muscles, he probably avoided a more serious injury and would have a quick recovery.
“I had these dark spots on my leg for 15 years. I’m not sure what it was but it was growing!”
– from a spam e-mail
Q: What has four legs and talks?
A: Two people.
Q: What is green and has 6 legs?
A: A very sick spider.
One night at about 3am my wife was getting up from the toilet to return to bed when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed to be right in the bathroom with her.
She, of course, froze and listened attentively for any further sign of invaders. After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again! She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom.
This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg! That was too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side.
The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to the bathroom.
A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg.
The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000.
The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, “This situation is right here in the fire schedule rating table.
The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn’t it?”
No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.
The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in the chin.
Q: What’s brown, has eight legs and a big trunk?
A: A spider coming back from vacation.