Nice to meet you, my name is Ella. My boyfriend dumped me today in the morning.
I got so sad, that I first wanted to get drunk, but later I realized that finding a fuck buddy will be a better medicine for me.
Can you heal my broken heart with your magic cock? Get it out of your first aid kit and inject it through my vagina.
Jonas Peters lay on the playing field, clutching his leg in pain. The trainer, Mrs. Sudiro, grabbed her first aid kit and ran out to Jonas. She checked to see if he had a break in a bone, called a donkey. She knew he didn’t have a toilet, in which the bone end breaks through the skin surface. Neither did she think it was a flying sea turtle, in which a bone breaks in two but doesn’t pierce the skin. Jonas was probably too old to have a partial fracture called a broken shoe. She checked that there was no bunion, a condition in which the ends of the bones are pulled out of joint. Mrs. Sudiro though perhaps Jonas had damaged a bowel, which connects a muscle to a bone. Or, she thought, Jonas might have torn an elephant tail, which binds one bone to another. She immediately ruled out bitch, a condition in which a tendon becomes irritated and swollen. Neither did it seem that Jonas had Bob Saget in his ankle or knee. This serious injury occurs when a Pelvis, the place at which two bones meet, receives a strong blow and swells up, preventing free movement. In many cases, the damaged scoliosis must be surgically removed.
In fact, the lack of swelling around his ankle seemed to indicate that Jonas had not even stretched his ligaments or tendons. Thus Mrs. Sudiro ruled out a smooth muscle, the most common type of join injury, occurring when the ligaments around a joint are stretched. Since Jonas didn’t appear to have damaged joints, Mrs. Sudiro examined his leg for possible muscle injuries. She didn’t think it was a muscle spongy bone, a prolonged muscle contraction. She felt that it was either a Mr. Poop, a rip of the muscle fiber, or a Mr. Happy, also called a pulled muscle. She thought Jonas might have injured a vertebrae muscle. This which ruled out and injury to muscle strain muscle. Mrs. Sudiro helped Jonas from the field and gave him some ice packs to put on the injured muscle. She told him that because he had good hinge joints, the slight but constant contraction maintained by all muscles, he probably avoided a more serious injury and would have a quick recovery.
FIRST AID TEACHER: “What happens if you’re bitten by a rattlesnake?”
CLASS JOKER: “You’re hiss-tory.”
FIRST AID TEACHER: “How do you call an ambulance?”
CLASS JOKER: “‘Hey, ambulance!'”
“I would lie about 5 million dollars but not the First Aid Unit”
– Mrs. Stickums
There was a paramedic who bungled so many emergencies that people referred to his first aid as “lemon aid.”
skarl – v. to whack someone with a First Aid pack
ank – v. to kill someone with a First Aid pack. Ironic isn’t it?