A small display at the fish hatchery where I work describes a now-extinct fish called the Michigan Grayling. Last summer, I had the following conversation with a tourist…
“Is the Grayling still extinct?”
“Yes, sir,” I replied, “it no longer exists.”
“Any thought of bringing it back?”
“I don’t think that’s possible.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s extinct.”
A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, “They don’t serve beer here, gerry! Where do you think you are?”
The German fellow felt embarrassed for a moment, however he turned to the New Yorker and begins to chuckle.
“And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands.
“Oh, nothing really,” he said with a heavy accent, “I just realized you actually came here for the food!”
These are from potential visitors to Australia. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a snide sense of humor.
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets, especially The Taipans.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
A well-dressed man with a suitcase hailed a cab in New York City and asked to be taken to Times Square, which was only a few blocks away. The trip took a long time and after the cab passed the same buildings for the fourth time, the passenger said, “Hey! What’s the big idea? This trip should have taken ten minutes not two hours.”
“Sorry,” apologized the cabby, “but it’s your own fault. Why do you go around dressed like a tourist when you’re really a native New Yorker?”
The hotel I stayed in during my vacation was a tourist trap. Nothing was free. I even had to rent a pen to sign the register.
Did you hear about the tourist who went to the desert for the first time? He fell down in a mirage and drowned because he couldn’t swim.
The crime rate in New York is worse than ever. These days pushcart vendors can make a living selling protection to tourists.