lugustemenser – n. the most reprehensible type of person who thinks its okay to take a bite out of another person’s hamburger without their permission
California is in a perpetual drought. We need tips! Tips that will help save water!!!
– There are a number of ways to save water, and they all start with you.
– Rip out all of your grass. Dirt needs to be watered a lot less than grass.
– Use only paper plates and plastic-ware. Water isn’t used to make those things.
– If you want to take a 15-minute shower, just don’t eat a hamburger. You save water in what is probably a completely different state than California, and you don’t have to feel bad about it. Those damn cows drink as much water as a 25 minute shower at least.
– Only use water from water bottles, they are probably not from California, maybe. The likelihood goes up if you buy something labeled as a foreign country or place.
– Use vodka to make your Kool-Aid.
– Don’t drink water, drink your own sweat. It’s like recycling your own water.
– Bathe in fire. It kills more germs.
– If you take a shit, remove the shit from the water, take it to work and flush it there.
– Wash your hands with your pee.
– Import ice from the North Pole/Antarctica. It is melting anyway.
– Move out of California.
– Continue to disappoint your mother and harvest her tears.
– Shoot people who use water.
– Travel back in time and use the water before its gone.
– Use only your hands to drink water.
– Don’t eat fruits or vegetables. You won’t waste water having to wash them.
– Keep a pitcher of water next to the toilet, that way any toilet water that splashes out goes down you and not on the floor.
– Reuse leftover water from the nuclear reactor to cook your spaghetti.
– Don’t cook food that requires water.
– Don’t buy fruits or vegetables that originate from California.
– Freeze water, that way it expands and you will have more water.
– Wash your laundry in another State.
– Don’t wash your clothes. Use them one time and then return it to the store.
– Don’t take a shower. You’ll save like a bajillion gallons of water a month.
– Put food coloring in your toilet. It will mask the unpleasant color your unflushed piss and poo water will create naturally. Don’t let FoodBabe know.
– Upgrade older toilets with rocket capability.
– Turn off the water while you brush your teeth. That will save 40 gallons a minute. That’s up to 250,000 gallons a day for a family of 6748.
– If your toilet was installed before 1992, thank the plumber.
– Consider a dual-flush toilet. It will flush your toilet twice and use twice as much water.
– Take showers instead of luxurious baths. You’re getting clean here, and only babies take baths.
– Don’t have children that use water. Birth only dirt babies.
– Avoid having fun with water. Fun wastes water.
– Avoid recreational water toys, they use water.
– See a leak you can’t fix? Learn how to by going to plumber’s trade school for a year.
– Steal your water from a multinational corporation that isn’t based in California.
– Remove the cement from your driveway so that water can flood your home and not drain into the ocean.
– Start calling California “Arizona” instead of “California.”
– Plant alien plants that require human blood to live.
– Consider converting your home into an alien spaceship that does not require water to run.
– Start a compost pile in your bedroom. This keeps the compost pile from evaporating its precious water.
– Don’t jerk off in the shower anymore. Or just jerk off without the water on and then clean up afterwards.
– Plant water-hating plants.
– Hire the 10 year old kid next door to rip out your irrigation system.
– Catch water in an empty tuna can. Then drink it.
– Use your hanging basket plants as pinatas.
– Only have sex in the Jacuzzi, the swimming pool needs too much water.
– Make your swimming pool tacky by removing waterfalls and stupid bullshit that makes it look nice. Then you won’t want to swim in your pool anymore and you will contemplate just getting rid of the whole thing.
– Get rid of pesky pets that need water to survive. Pet Rocks are coming back in style.
– Post a hotline in bathrooms that people can call so they can finish their shits faster. I don’t know how this saves water, but I can at least take a shit since I’ve been waiting for 10 minutes! God damn!
– Water-shame people who keep water in a bottle that is clearly not purchased from a store new.
– Do not drink processed water, it is unhealthy for you, similar to processed meats. It is not as nature intended!
– Clean water is man-made, therefore it is unnatural and unhealthy! It takes a lot of water to make clean water.
– Don’t put water inside water. You lose the water you are putting inside of the water as it becomes just one water.
– Appoint a water ambassador to the ocean and beg it for rain.
– Marry or seduce a televised meteorologist and convince them to say there will be rain coming on the news even if it isn’t true.
– Strike up a conversation with a plumber and ask them how the plumber the seven seas.
– Lick dishes of their food and dirt instead of rinsing with water. You can also get a dog to do this.
– A recent study showed people care about water usage. Ain’t that cool?
– Destroy all decorative fountains you see. Especially ones that are not yours.
– Don’t wash your car ever.
– Pee in the shower.
– Pee outside. Select a private space near a bush you don’t particularly like and go at it.
– Don’t let children maintain a swimming pool. They suck at math. It is dangerous because they might miscalculate how much water to put in the swimming pool and that would suck for when you were having sex in there. There is also a higher chance of them seeing you since they are responsible for the swimming pool.
– Get your girlfriend wet everyday and then water the plants with her.
– Start using wet humor instead of dry humor. Or in this case, drought humor.
– Kill anyone who is doing a rain dance in California, they are obviously failing and are probably making things worse with their awful dancing. Then water the plants with their blood. It rained after all!
– Grow some clouds and then explode them all over your plants.
– No more sex in the shower. Or just have the water off if you have sex in there.
– Lick things clean, such as your car or yourself.
“You can never have too many hamburgers when you’re on vacation like us.”
– a lady customer at a fast food joint
Q: How many goths does it take to make a hamburger?
A: Who cares, just think of all the fun we could have putting them through the mincer to find out!
Q: How many pigs does it take to make a hamburger?
A: None – they are made out of cows.
Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Answer the next 10 questions, and tally up your results at the end to see your fate.
Total up how many of each Introvert and Extrovert answers you’ve selected.
If you’ve chosen more answers that are marked as Introvert, then you’re a loner. Get some friends. Or play volleyball.
If you selected more answers that are marked as Extrovert, then you’re an asshole. You might want to keep yourself a little contained, you try-hard.
If you chose more of the third answer in this quiz, then you are either extremely lame or really really crazy.
Q: How are hamburgers sent to jail?
A: In a patty wagon.
Q: How do you grill hamburgers?
A: First, you read them their rights…
Q: Why did Silly Sally attach a rocket to her hamburger?
A: She liked really fast food.
Q: What did the hamburger say to the pickle?
A: You’re dill-icious!
Q: Where do most outstanding hamburgers end up?
A: In the Hall of Flame!
And their favorite comics of all time:
Bean Martin and Cherry Lewis
Q: What happened at the hamburger joint when the workers went on strike?
A: Things came to a grinding halt!
Q: Why does everybody like to get together at the local hamburger joint?
A: It’s a perfect meating place!