Q: How do you start a flea race?
A: One, two, flea, go.
Q: How do you start a flea race?
A: One, two, flea, go.
Q: What do crocodiles drink before a big race?
Q: Why did the zombie lose the race?
A: He was dead last.
“aiyaiyai…drag racing on your wheelchair?!?”
– A Los Angeles-area Local News Broadcast
pessimist – n. a person who swears the human race was fixed to keep him from winning.
What is confidence, you want to know? Well…confidence is:
– Going to the race track for the first time in your life and betting every penny you have on a 50 to 1 shot.
– Walking through Central Park at night and carrying your life savings in your wallet.
– Spending all your savings on a huge luxury car because you’re the gas shortage won’t last.
– Telling a mugger armed with a gun that you won’t give him your money and he can’t make you.
– Mailing the only copy of a book it took you five years to write to a publisher without putting a return address on the envelope.
– Having an argument with the Heavyweight Boxing Champion of the World and daring him to lay a hand on you.
MAN: “I always win at cards and lose at the race track.”
LADY: “Why is that?”
MAN: “Because I don’t get to shuffle the horses.”
Q: What should a runner eat before a race?
Buzz blared Elizabeth’s alarm. Elizabeth awoke and opened the blinds. The bright, gold, British sun shined through the window stinging her eyes like a blind man’s first site. She got out of bed and walked over to her computer. As she checked her E-mail she saw a message. It was from the Burns family in New York, New York. They invited her to come as an aupair to America.
Elizabeth ran to tell her parents the good news. It wasn’t long before the fourteen year old girl worked out all the details. Soon enough she was about to board her plain. Elizabeth felt a nervous feeling in her stomach. She had not yet seen any of the Burns family so you could understand her fear. Little did Elizabeth know that she would just now be exposed to insanity!
As Elizabeth stepped into the plane she saw an old man sitting across from her row on the right side of the plain. He looked to be in his fifties drinking a glass of orange juice. Elizabeth sat between to old men. One was senile and the other nearly deaf. Elizabeth thought to herself that this was going to be an interesting flight. As she fastened her seatbelt she was exposed to the pure maddness.
“Hello Young Lady, what is your name,” asked the senile looking old man. “I’m Bert but you can call me honey pie.”
“I’m Elizabeth.” “And sir what’s your name,” she asked looking at the second old man.”
“Notre Dame, a heck of a football team.”
“No!” Exclaimed Elizabeth. “Your name!” “What is your name.”
“They are certainly not lame!”
“Your name,” Elizabeth stated very slowly.
“Oh my name.” “Why didn’t you ask me sooner?” “I’m Jack.”
“And I’m Barry, Mrs. Beautiful,” said the first man.”
Barry reaches under his seat and pull out the small cup from a Children’s Tylenol bottle. Then he reaches under again and pulls out a carton of Orange Juice. He sips out of the carton. The stuardest comes and gives the man another carton. She then offers everyone a bag of peanuts. When she first comes to Elizabeth’s row she talks to Jack first.
“Here are your nuts, sir.”
“I’m not nuts!” I may not be one of them young fellers, but I’m still hip.”
“Let me tell you a story nut lady.”
“Where’s my passport to fun?” Interrupted Bert. “You can’t have the ice cream, Jill.” “Let’s dance.” I can’t afford that, refuse a chicken to my wife.”
“Huh,” Jack stated.
“Get me another carton of Orange Juice, I’m going for the record.”
Elizabeth got up and stayed in the bathroom for the next eight hours. She came out when the plane landed. Elizabeth came out of the plain and into New York City. She saw a family. There was an old lady in a wheel chair, a small man standing next to a big woman in overalls and a yellow shirt, a kid who looks about twelve wearing braces head gear, and a small Japanese woman.
“Welcome to the family,” exclaimed the woman! “This is Grandma Burns.” “This is my husband Chris.” “This little bundle of metallic joy is my son Nicholas.” ” And this is our Japanese aupair Ms. Woo.” “You can call me Momma!”
Elizabeth took her bags with her and everyone loaded into the Burn’s old Station Wagon. Momma started the engine and drove off. Bang! Boom, roared the engine as hordes of dust blasted out of the tail pipe like a sandstorm.
Everyone drove down to a local resturant. Ala’s BBQ “The Best Food in Ala New York.” Everyone sat down to eat. After they gave their orders they started up a conversation.
“Hey there Nicky,” stated Ms. Woo.
“Don’t call him that,” exclaimed Momma! “Call him one of those nick names again and all loose my mind!”
“Liz, do they eat fatty foods in Great Britian?” Asked Grandma. “Because your rather husky.” “I never had a very good history with husky people!” “No offense of course.”
Soon enough the bill come reading fourteen dollars and eighty-six cents. When Grandma saw the bill she gasped and put her hand over her heart. Momma tipped over Grandma’s wheel chair. Then the entire family got in the Station Wagon and drove off.
To be continued……
An owl is sitting on a couch, in his tree house (not to be confused with a treehouse, his house is actually IN a tree and not gay). The owl’s wings are doing something near his crotch. The room is dark and you can see the TV’s glare on the owl. Cooing sounds and squawking sounds are coming from the TV.
Just then, Baby Owl comes into the room, and sees Daddy watching pigeon porno. Daddy Owl whips his head around 360 degree without moving his body (because he’s an owl and not a human).
Daddy was astonished to find Baby Owl in the doorway. And where there’s baby owl, there’s that stupid owl bitch mommy owl.
But this particular owl was “Big Mama” from the Fox and the Hound. And she wasn’t called Big Mama for nothing. She had the biggest ass cheeks in town, including the grandma-type lady that is probably still a virgin, or raped the guy next door, (he was raped) anywho…
“WHAT THA FUCK!” Big Mama yelled as she came in ass first. “Now, now. Let me explain dear….” Daddy Owl said. Big Mama said, “What the HELL is this crap? You get off to this shit? Other races of bird?” Big Mama flapped her fat wings around. “Oh baby!” the TV said. Daddy Owl tried to cover up his owl boner. Big Mama said, “Don’t even try to hide it. Its so small you can’t even feel anything happening in an ass as big as mine!”
“Now, now!” Daddy Owl rebutted. “A man has to have a little exotic arousal every now and then to keep the juices goin’, you wouldn’t understand.”
“OH! I understand PLENTY! You call that trickling faucet of yours juice? Its not even enough to fill one of my ass pimples!” Big Mama was furious.
“You don’t know what you’re talkin’ about! I was voted ‘most likely to have the biggest dick though no one actually measured’ in my class! So shut your trap, bitch!”
While all this was happening, Baby Owl was humping the TV and feeling himself up like crazy. “Look what your perverted-ness did to Junior! He’s humping the fucking TV! Goddamn you, Daddy Owl, I want a divorce!” Big Mama screeched.
Daddy Owl was in deep shit now. If he got a divorce, he’d have to move back in with his parents! And all they did was make their own porn movies to sell. What could Daddy Owl say? It was in the family. Daddy Owl was tired of being in his parents films anyway.
Just then a fairy flies in and makes everyone disappear, and a family of pigeons move in. The Daddy Pigeon was a priest, so instead of legal problems with porn, there would be more interesting illegal problems with the priest molesting eggs. The End.
uzigal – v. to race a duck
tincebe – n. a piano-pushing race
mopedi – n. a moped race