Tag Archives: drink

Joke #5230: Surprise Package

While enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he’d like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. “There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

“Is this your husband?” he inquires nervously.

“No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then?”

“No, don’t be silly,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demands the bewildered fellow.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, “That’s me before the operation.”

Joke #5199: Hell is Fun

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell.

Demon: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin’ man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequilai Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab… we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. And if you drink yourself to death, it’s okay… you’re already dead anyway!

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Demon: Alright! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s okay… you’re already dead anyway!

Guy: No shit!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.

Guy: Hmmm, I never played pai gow before…

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don’t mean…

Demon: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it’s okay… you’re already dead anyway!

Guy: yeah! I never realized that hell was such a swingin’ place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Demon: Oooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays…