Tag Archives: shit

The 89th Annual Fuck Awards

Shit!  It’s the awards show you’ve been pooping for all year: the Fuckss!  There are many shit reasons to watch this year’s poop.  Here are a few:

  • Fuck is hosting so you’re guaranteed at least shit good laughs.
  • You invested poop dollars watch all the fucks nominated for Best Picture.  That’s money you could have spent on a brand-new shit!
  • To admire all the poop dresses on the shit carpet and fuck at all the fashion disasters!
  • You need an excuse to make Shit Pie for your annual Poop-themed party.
  • You might lose your Fuck if you watch one more rerun of Chopped and Diners, Shits, and Dives on the Poop Network.

Popeye Song #24785

I’m Poppy the far-out man.
I have all the drugs, my friend.
I’m stoned and blitzed,
and constantly have shitz.
It sucks but on the other hand.

The police are after me!
Omg! It’s the T.T.P.D.  (TTPD=Thimble Theater Police Department)
I’m stuffed in the back,
with my chums like wetbacks.
Our anuses screaming,” DEAR GOD NO, OH PLEASE!!!!!”

I hope that he has the dope.
Cause i sucked on his nob in Aug.
But it work anymore,
I smoked and snort
all the catalyst waiting for Dan.

Well this is the end of our song.
I know that it was a bit long.
But I’ll see you next time,
if not caught for my crimes
And my back-end filled with shlong!

“Prismacolor Verithin Colored Pencils” Breakdown

This entry is part 12 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

The back of my box of Prismacolor Verithin Colored Pencils had the following to say:

A Definite Strong Point

Prismacolor Verithin Pencils have harder, more durable leads that complement the soft thick leads of the Prismacolor Art Pencils.  Specially formulated leads won’t shatter when sharp-ended.  These last longer under heavy marking and writing pressure.  The thing leads and precision points create the finest details. Verithin pencils are flexible color tools for outlining and lettering.  All 36 color match Prismacolor Art Pencils.  Available in open stock and sets.

Precision Tools of Color

  • Thin leads for small details and multiple uses
  • Hard and strong to resist breaking
  • Made form the finest pigments for bold color laydown
  • Consistent Prismacolor standards of quality
  • Available in 3 Art Sets
    • 12 colors 02476 (796)
    • 24 colors 02427 (731)
    • 36 colors 02428 (732)

And this is what davepoobond had to say about it:

Anyone that picks up a box of pencils and reads this shit on the back and believes any of that bullshit, making the colored pencils sound like Godly items, is a dumbass.  Who writes all this shit?  Do they even believe the crap they’re trying to jam down our throats?  I doubt it.

And what’s with the numbers?  Its not like we’d actually use them, like to ask for them.  Here’s an example of how that would play out:

(a man is looking at a box of the 12 colored pencils, when a store employee comes up to him)

Store Employee:  Hello, sir.  Can I help you with something?

Customer: Ah, yes, I see you have the 02476 (796), but I can’t seem to find the 02427 (731) or 02428 (732) anywhere!

(Store Employee blinks a couple of times)

Store Employee:  Sorry I couldn’t help you with anything, have a nice day.

(Store Employee runs away)

(End)

You see how ridiculous that is?  Another thing that pisses me off is that they keep repeating the same bullshit.  I can summarize the whole thing they had into this:

These colored pencils are good for small detailing and have resistance to breaking.  Comes in packs of 12, 24, or 36.

They give us unuseful information:

Multiple uses — as opposed to only one use?

Hard and Strong — they’re the same thing.  Drop a word you bastards!

Made from the finest pigments for bold color laydown — What the hell does bold color laydown mean?  They expect everyone to know that?  How about I boldly lay down my color into your face!!!!

Consistent Prismacolor standards of quality — this means absolutely shit to me.  What would it matter to me about their “standards?”  Their standards could be shitty for all we know.

They also advertise their art pencils about 3 times in the same thing, making you have to think that you absolutely need their art pencils.

What the hell is with their “flexible color tools” phrase?  Do these pencils bend?  Can I tighten a screw with these pencils?  Or maybe get around that sharp corner so I could tighten the yellow on the paper?  Great, thanks assholes!

And their paragraph just looks like a bunch of unrelated sentences tossed together.  The only relating factor to any other sentence is just the amount of bullshit that emanates from the box.

Bull shit.  All crap I tell ye!  Crap!  Crap, I say!  I tell you its pure crap!  Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap shit shit shit shit shit shit!  Good color pencils, though.  =) =) =) =)