Jingle Bells Song #7283

Jingle Bells

Jingle Bells

Batman smells

Robin laid an egg

Batmobile lost its wheel

and Joker got away

hey!

(repeat)

Jingle Bells

Jingle Bells

Batman smells

Robin laid an egg

Batmobile lost its wheel

and Joker took ballet

hey!

(repeat)

Batmans in the kitchen

Robins in the Hall

Joker’s in the bathroom

Peeing on the wall!

 

Those Crazy Americans

Buzz blared Elizabeth’s alarm. Elizabeth awoke and opened the blinds. The bright, gold, British sun shined through the window stinging her eyes like a blind man’s first site. She got out of bed and walked over to her computer. As she checked her E-mail she saw a message. It was from the Burns family in New York, New York. They invited her to come as an aupair to America.

 

 

Elizabeth ran to tell her parents the good news. It wasn’t long before the fourteen year old girl worked out all the details. Soon enough she was about to board her plain. Elizabeth felt a nervous feeling in her stomach. She had not yet seen any of the Burns family so you could understand her fear. Little did Elizabeth know that she would just now be exposed to insanity!

 

 

As Elizabeth stepped into the plane she saw an old man sitting across from her row on the right side of the plain. He looked to be in his fifties drinking a glass of orange juice. Elizabeth sat between to old men. One was senile and the other nearly deaf. Elizabeth thought to herself that this was going to be an interesting flight. As she fastened her seatbelt she was exposed to the pure maddness.

 

 

“Hello Young Lady, what is your name,” asked the senile looking old man. “I’m Bert but you can call me honey pie.”

 

 

“I’m Elizabeth.” “And sir what’s your name,” she asked looking at the second old man.”

 

 

“Notre Dame, a heck of a football team.”

 

 

“No!” Exclaimed Elizabeth. “Your name!” “What is your name.”

 

 

“They are certainly not lame!”

 

 

“Your name,” Elizabeth stated very slowly.

 

 

“Oh my name.” “Why didn’t you ask me sooner?” “I’m Jack.”

 

 

“And I’m Barry, Mrs. Beautiful,” said the first man.”

 

 

Barry reaches under his seat and pull out the small cup from a Children’s Tylenol bottle. Then he reaches under again and pulls out a carton of Orange Juice. He sips out of the carton. The stuardest comes and gives the man another carton. She then offers everyone a bag of peanuts. When she first comes to Elizabeth’s row she talks to Jack first.

 

 

“Here are your nuts, sir.”

 

 

“I’m not nuts!” I may not be one of them young fellers, but I’m still hip.”

“Let me tell you a story nut lady.”

 

 

“Where’s my passport to fun?” Interrupted Bert. “You can’t have the ice cream, Jill.” “Let’s dance.” I can’t afford that, refuse a chicken to my wife.”

 

 

“Huh,” Jack stated.

 

 

“Get me another carton of Orange Juice, I’m going for the record.”

 

 

Elizabeth got up and stayed in the bathroom for the next eight hours. She came out when the plane landed. Elizabeth came out of the plain and into New York City. She saw a family. There was an old lady in a wheel chair, a small man standing next to a big woman in overalls and a yellow shirt, a kid who looks about twelve wearing braces head gear, and a small Japanese woman.

 

 

“Welcome to the family,” exclaimed the woman! “This is Grandma Burns.” “This is my husband Chris.” “This little bundle of metallic joy is my son Nicholas.” ” And this is our Japanese aupair Ms. Woo.” “You can call me Momma!”

 

 

Elizabeth took her bags with her and everyone loaded into the Burn’s old Station Wagon. Momma started the engine and drove off. Bang! Boom, roared the engine as hordes of dust blasted out of the tail pipe like a sandstorm.

 

 

Everyone drove down to a local resturant. Ala’s BBQ “The Best Food in Ala New York.” Everyone sat down to eat. After they gave their orders they started up a conversation.

 

 

“Hey there Nicky,” stated Ms. Woo.

 

 

“Don’t call him that,” exclaimed Momma! “Call him one of those nick names again and all loose my mind!”

 

 

“Liz, do they eat fatty foods in Great Britian?” Asked Grandma. “Because your rather husky.” “I never had a very good history with husky people!” “No offense of course.”

 

 

Soon enough the bill come reading fourteen dollars and eighty-six cents. When Grandma saw the bill she gasped and put her hand over her heart. Momma tipped over Grandma’s wheel chair. Then the entire family got in the Station Wagon and drove off.

 

 

To be continued……

 

The Day I Went Blind

I remeber that day well…I just came out of my english class, feeling my bodily fluids ready to burst out…I walked quickly to the bathroom, which seemed like a mile! The tile floors were white and red and tan, and I stared at them as I walked to the bathroom. Suddenly, I forgot where the bathroom was! I REALLY had to go, so i looked around, trying to find a sign that said “Boys” or “Men” or even (i was that desperate) “Girls”. I could see the bathroom sign marking: “Boys” as I jolted torward the door. I opened the door when I herd whispering and giggling. Until the door shut I herd a loud whisper say: “Shhhh here comes someone now!” and then it fell silent. I stepped into the bathroom, behind the bathroom wall until I saw it….It looked like a basketball with a big crack down the center. It had a wart on the left “cheek”. I herd someone yell: “You got MOONED”! I felt faint, my body took a 50 foot drop as I feel to the floor, with my eyes open. I couldn’t close them with out having that disgusting picture put into my vision. I winced a few times hearing the kids leaving as they went over the story over and over…I went blind…

 

Percy’s Day Out – The Prequel to Sniper Problems…

“Oh boy oh boy!” Percy was excited. Today he would be deemed Burger Castle’s Mascot of the month! He glued a wood block to each bare foot and clomped out the door. Since he was payed less than minimum wage, he couldn’t afford shoes. Or a house for that matter. He just lived by a trash can in an alley way near a place called Elm Street.

It wasn’t the award he was excited about. He’s seen it before. You can’t pawn it off for more than 20 cents. But the big thing was the 300% raise you get when you become mascot of the month. That was an increase of 5 dollars! Almost 5 anyway…but that’s not the point. With that kind of money, he could rent some space in a sewer out, without a bathroom.

But that’s besides the point. He knew he had been doing a good job. He did have a Masters Degree in being a mascot. All those ballet classes take a lot out of you…

He hid behind a parked car waiting to find a car he could ride on to Burger Castle. It was pretty hard since it was New York, and pretty much everyone that saw him on their car, punched him off and drove off.

Just then, a blue Cadillac appeared and Percy jumped on top of it. He almost slipped off but grabbed onto the bumper. Luckily the trunk was open, so he got in.

When he saw he was near Burger Castle through the keyhole, he jumped out of the car. Luckily, they weren’t on the freeway, like a few times before.

He clomped down Castle Street toward Burger Castle. When he got there, a baseball hit him in the head. That wasn’t enough to knock down the month’s best mascot! But 253 other baseballs shot at the same time, was. It was a trap! I knew it all the time, of course.

Percy went into a dream…and it was something like this:

“All ABOARD!” said the post office man as he got onto a giant giraffe. “oh no! I’m gonna miss my plane!” said Percy. Percy had a very important meeting with the Scottish Windbag Company about the next shipment of kazoos.

Kazoos were vital to people with the rare disease, “Iwantakazoonowium.” Kazoos were made in China then sent to Denmark for testing and then sent to Scotland. Really nice kazoos came from Japan. Those were sparkly.

Percy hopped onto the girraffe after giving the post man a paper towel, which was the ticket, that had: I am a very important antelope” written on it.

After a couple minutes, the giraffe lifted off the ground and flew into the sky. They kept climbing until they got to Scotland. In this world, Scotland was 500 miles off the ground, floating in the air.

The highest country in the world is Jamaica, since everyone smokes pot there, but that’s besides the point…

When he got off the giraffe, he saluted to the post office man and called for a taxi. Taxies in Scotland are actually anteaters, they clean the streets. Percy hopped on one of them and trudged down to the Scotland Windbag Company’s main building.

They made all type of things at the Scotland Windbag Company, but their most popular products were Whuppi Cushions, kazoos, and Wind Chimes that burp.

When he got off the anteater, he ran down to the building and rang the doorbell. “Who is it!??” the intercom said. “Its me! Percy, from the United Iwantakazoonowium getter-ridders!” The intercom replied, “Oi! We’ve been expectin’ ya, laddy, come right een!” The door opened, but instead of walking into a floor, he slid down on a big slide into a dungeon!

It was a trap! But I knew it all along, of course, of course. “NOOOOOOO” Percy yelled. Percy yelled and yelled and yelled until his lungs blew up! Not because of the fact that he was in a dungeon, but because of the fact theres a big fat guy in leather and a mask on his head, with a whip, walking around a guy that was tied up with nothing but one leather strap! All of a sudden he felt a slap across his face, and he woke up from his terrible nightmare.

You may think Percy was all good now, but you shoulda seen the first person he saw when he looked up! It was Joan Rivers! THAT HORRIBLE BITCH! That did it for Percy, he got knocked out again…

(see what happens in Sniper Problems…)

 

So Goes the Mob

“It’s been two years since I joined the mob, but it feels like forever. I ain’t that good at this sort of stuff so don’t be all up in my face about being weird OK?” says Patrick to the psychologist. “I’ve only just begun to talk about my life so just whatever you do, do not interrupt me.”

“Alright, I won’t say much, but every once in awhile I might need to intervene and talk to you about this and that. But please continue. Tell me how it all started.”

“It started like this”

‘I was thirteen; just became a teenager. I saw these weird mimes. All they did was just stay in this invisible box. They were really dumb. Then I saw some guys in black coats. All of a sudden they took out machine guns and killed the mimes. It was kinda funny only because the mimes were still trying to be in the box and were still smiling when they died. Later I learned the mimes were actually a part of the infamous gang, the Evil Mime People, EMP.

‘I didn’t like those mimes, so I joined the Evil Mime People Killers, EMPK. They were another gang devoted to killing the EMP. I only started when I finally got to kill my first EMP. The problem was that my partner was a stupid parrot who could hold a nail in his mouth. The parrot’s name was Squacky.

‘He talked too much, and all he talked about was how his beak was the color purple, though it was actually yellow. I made friends with a magical blue dwarf, whose name was Bob. Bob likes monkeys, so he got one. The monkey can only say “monkey”, but it’s a really funny monkey. The monkey ate Squacky, so I really like the monkey now.

‘Bob, his monkey Bobby, and I went out to get our mime. The mime’s name was Fishydaft, a common mime name. We saw Fishydaft at the movie theater and he was on a break, eating a moose sandwich. We got out of the car and Bob went to the right, Bobby went to the left, and I went straight forward. Fishydaft saw me, and he took out a big thingy that looked like a boot. It was. I ran forward and so did the others.

‘BAM! We all hit Fishydaft with our remote controls. Bobby then ate Fishy’s moose sandwich. Bob reported to base and we got 500 dollars each. It was in monopoly money, but it’s better than nothing. We went out to celebrate.

‘I called the Mooseycheesemuffin Restraunt. I ate a cheese sandwich, Bob ate a muffin, and Bobby ate a moose sandwich, again. We paid with our monopoly money and they sent us to the back to wash dishes for our payment. While we were washing, I saw a mime out side. I told the other two, and we stopped washing and went for the door. The mime was easy to catch, and we put him in our car and took him to base.

‘Our scientists conducted experiments on him, and found out that the EMP were planning to go to the Really Big Carnival Thingy and mime there. We were put on this mission and took some super mime eating binders. While going to the carnival, we saw a cow. We decided it should come with us to go on some rides. Her name was Cowie. She ate Bobby, but we got over it. Now we were at the carnival when this funny thing happened. I had to eat a duck for some reason. So, I went to the duck stand and bought one. I ate it and it tasted like a gooseduck, a crossbreed of a goose and a duck. I was infuriated. All I could do was kill the guy who sold it to me. Then I was arrested for having a cow that could eat monkeys, but I got out for being a member of DA, Doughnuts Anonymous.

‘We now could get those EMPs. I was the first to see them. They were doing that stupid box thing and I yelled, “Get down on the ground and drop those invisible fish.” Bob said, “Eat magical blue dwarven phones.” Then suddenly a moose was being chased by a gangster of the cheese Mafia. Cowie said, “mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooose.” I noticed that he was Moose D. Cloun; the famous circus idiot.”

I asked him for his autograph and he said, “Duh, OK. Let me eat my cheeeeeeeeeese first. There you go. Bye.” Bob had already phoned the mimes to death, so I ate a cheese poof; it was the best I have had in one week. I then went to the Mooseycheesemuffin Restraunt. Bob and I had the same as last time. But then it happened. There were 50 EMPs and only 2 EMPKs. We were outnumbered and outfishied. They stormed in and started doing their stupid box thingy once again. That just made me mad; as mad as a moose who sees a cheese covered Muffinman. I pulled out a big Algebra book and started to kill them by reading algebraic equations. That made them even worse. They then tried, poorly I might add, to climb and invisible rope. I was, along with Bob, so scared I peed my pants, and said, “Nooooooooooooo, not that, anything but that. Fortunately, I had a spare mime eating binder left from the Really Big Carnival Thingy. What a relief, now I could sit back, eat my cheese sandwich- mmmmmmm, cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeese- and enjoy the melodic sound of mime eating binders doing their job. Uh oh. 3 mimes got away. Cowie, Bob, and I chased after them.

“You won’t get away this time,” I yelled. “Wait, I know. I can attract them by singing their favorite song ‘Monkey Go Poof’.” And so I sang and sang and sang and sang and sang and sang till I had to stop and take breather. Both my team and the mimes waited until I had my breath back. After 30 minutes I asked the others if they wanted to watch a movie. They responded with a gracious and humble yes. So I took them all to see Barney (the stupid guy in a dinosaur costume finally stops singing ‘I love you’ and starts to work on Sesame Street).

“It got two thumbs down. It’s supposed to be really stupid. So what are you waiting for, let’s go in.” When we get in, we are the only people there and the mimes say in sign language, “Lets sit in the front row and look up the entire time.” We all agree to this, of course. The movie starts and we start booing for no reason what so ever. Barney says, “Can I be on Sesame Street.” And that weird red thing called- oh, what is his name. It ends in o, but I can’t remember the other letters. Oh yeah, Elmo- Elmo says, “OK” Then, the movie ends. We all say, “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. That was the best Barney movie ever.” After we get our picture taken with Barney, Cowie kamikazes the mimes, killing herself. Bob and I say, “Awwwwww, Cowie died. Yaaaaaaaaay, she killed those stupid mute mimes.”

“Squack”

“Who said that?”

“I did”

“Oh ok”

Now that it was only Bob and I, we had to make do with out a companion. As long as we could just kill the EMP leader, we could go into an early retirement. We thought ‘yay’, no more stupid work. After we thought about that a little more, we went to a bathroom. We really needed the break. I was cleaning my hands when I noticed that a mime was in stall number 4. So you now what we did? We took him to a BSB concert, and boy did he scream. All he did was scream the whole time. After like thirty minutes of screaming, the singers stopped singing to kick the idiot to death. The group made t bucks from that concert. “Finally they might stop singing now that they know they suck,” Bob said.

“I ain’t afraid of no boy band”

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha no.

“What you talkin’ ’bout Willis. Show me the money! Aye carumba! I wish I could make up an awesome catch phrase like those,” I said. “Well maybe one day you will,” said Bob. Back to the story now. After that awful BSB concert, we had one last dinner at the Mooseycheesmuffin Restraunt. I say it was my last, because it got blown up after what happened next. What happened in the Mooseycheesemuffin was so undescribingly awful that I have to say one thing, “Put your kids away and never let them out until half an hour after I finish this part of the story. Thank you for your cooperation.”

Now, when I say scary, I mean SCARY. I started off with a moose sandwich, and Bob had a cheese sandwich. While we were eating our sandwiches, one thousand EMPs entered the room and totally thrashed the place. See I told you it was scary. Well, as you should have already figured out, we tried to kill all the mimes we could but they kept coming back to life somehow. But then I noticed a sudden UFC- an unidentified flying candy-flying through the air. It killed every single mime with the exception of one, the leader of the EMPs. He was the biggest mime I had ever seen, not to mention the ugliest one, too. He had two heads, one good, and one bad. The good one said, “I am happy,” and the bad one said, “I am not happy.” So the bad one killed the good one, which also killed the mime. “Yay” we said, “no more stupid mimes. Now we get an early retirement.” And we riverdanced the night away. “And so ended the evil killing spree of those stupid mimes. So what do you think? Was it a good life or what?” I asked.

“Mr. Dwagalad,” Jeff said, ” nowhere in your incoherent babbling did you even get close to a good life story. I mean, even an idiot could make up an average story, but you actually did all this stuff. I’m just appalled.” Jeff went on and on and on and on until I killed him too; he started looking like a mime.

The moral of this story is that you should never go to a restraunt called the Mooseycheesemuffin.

The

End

‘Yay’

 

19 Things To Do In The Bathroom

Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate-

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,”May I borrow a highlighter?”

2. Say “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise

4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”

5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh sh**!! My glass eye!!”

6. Say “D***, this water is cold.”

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”

9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,”Whoa Easy boy !!”

11. Say,” Interesting….more sinkers than floaters”

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!!

14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot”

15. Say, “D***, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your “Cross-Dressors Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”

 

Bathroom Strategies for Men and Women

The Man’s Strategy for Going to the Bathroom:

1) Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom, make sure everyone knows that is where you are headed.

2) Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room

3) Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal: There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall, beside a ‘safe looking’ male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.

4) If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the floor, feet are always good as well.

5) Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think you are trying to check them out.

6) Shake it off, put it back in your pants.

** Note Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended in 45 of the 50 states.

7) Wash hands.

8 ) Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.

9) Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn’t forget anything.

10) Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.

11) Wait patiently for her return, remember to NOT say things like, “Wow, what took you so long.”

———————————-

A Women’s Strategy for Going to the Bathroom:

1) Enter bathroom, and start checking each stall, but do NOT check the first one, first one is bad luck, even if tests prove that it’s always the cleanest. Look to see what stall is the nicest looking, deciding only after checking every available stall.

2) Decide which is the cleanest stall, and try to get to it before that other bitch who entered when you did.

3) Mutter “Slut” under breath, when she grabs the stall you wanted, and make a run for the one you wanted, or that skank who entered after you will get it.

4) Hang jacket and purse on hooks on door.

5) Take some toilet paper and wipe the seat, pretending you can wipe off all germs.

6) Line toilet seat with toilet paper! Germs are bad!

7) Start to take off all layers of required clothing, be sure nothing rests on the ground! Use all other hooks available if needed.

8 ) Sit down on toilet seat very lightly, as not to disturb layer of paper between you and the seat. Germs are bad!

9) Relax and let the flow go, but make sure your still sitting lightly, because the paper on the seat can’t move, or you’ll get germs!

10) Start to dispense the required amount of toilet paper from the roll. Fold into neat rectangle, and wipe all drips, very careful to not get germs from the seat!

11) Toss soiled toilet paper into toilet while standing up, watch out for the germs!

12) Start to put back on the 27 layers of clothing you were wearing, make sure it looks exactly like it did when you entered bathroom.

13) Put all toilet paper lining seat into toilet.

14) Flush.

15) Grab jacket and purse while unlocking door.

16) Walk to sink, and turn on tap.

17) Put hands under running water for at least 10 seconds.

18) Lather up with lots of soap, and be sure to get anywhere on hands that was exposed to germs!

19) Rinse soap off hands under water for another 10 seconds.

20) Look for paper towel, if there is none, mumble under breath, and stick hands under blow dryer for 4 minutes. NEVER WIPE HANDS ON CLOTHING! Make your move to counter/mirror section.

21) Put jacket to side, blocking that skank who was trying to get your stall from coming next to you, and make sure your as far away as possible from that bitch who took your stall.

22) Scoff at the way the bitch who took your stall looks. Her make-up is all wrong!

23) Spread out contents of purse on counter.

24) Touch up already perfect make-up, for no reason, be sure to take at least 2 minutes doing this.

25) Organize objects when putting back in purse, a messy purse is bad!

26) Put on jacket, laugh to self at that skank who wanted your stall her clothes are gross.

27) Walk out of bathroom, tossing head at the skank who is still putting make-up on, and make sure you gasp when the bitch who took your stall scoffs at you.

28) Find boyfriend outside, wonder how he gets done so fast … You were really quick this time!

 

“You’re So Stupid” Insults

These can also double as “Your mom is so stupid that…” or “Your mom is so stupid…” or “I knew a Blonde so stupid that…” or “You’re so dumb that…” or “Your mom so dumb that…” or “Your mamma/momma so stupid that…”

You’re so stupid…

…you sent me a fax with a stamp on it!

…you thought a quarter back was a refund!

…you tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order!

…you thought Boyz II Men was a day care center!

…you thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools! (not that many kids know who Eartha Kitt is, she’s a singer)

…you thought General Motors was in the Army!

…you thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats!

…you thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday!

…under “education” on job applications you put “Hooked on Phonics”!

…you tried to drown a fish!

…you tripped over the cordless phone!

…you stared at the orange juice carton because it said “concentrate”!

…you got stabbed in a shoot out!

…you asked me to meet you at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK”!

…they had to burn down the school to get you out of 3rd grade!

…on applications that say “Sign Here” you put “Libra!”

…at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”… you put “Sagittarius.”

…you asked for a price check at the Dollar Store!

…it takes you 3 hours to watch “60 Minutes!”

…you studied for a blood test and failed!

…you tried to buy tokens to get on to “Soul Train!”

…when you saw under 17 not admitted at the movies you went out and got 16 friends!

…when you heard 90% of accidents happen at home you moved!

…you think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company!

…you think Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

…when you missed the #44 bus you took the #22 bus twice instead!

…when the sign said Airport Left you turned around and went home!

…you climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side!

…you sold your car for gas money!

…you got trapped in a grocery store and starved to death.

…you sat on the TV and watched the couch.

…you called me to get my phone number.

…you put lipstick on your forehead because you wanted to make up your mind.

…if I gave you a penny for your thoughts, I’d get change back.

…they had to burn the school down to get you out of third grade.

…you took a ruler to bed to see how long you slept.

…if you spoke your mind, you’d probably be speechless.

…you got locked in a mattress store and slept on the floor.

…you jumped off a cliff to see if the wings on your maxi pads would make you fly!

…you locked yourself in a bathroom and pissed in your pants.

…you tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

…you asked someone how to spell “TV.”

…you bought a solar-powered flashlight.

…you looked in the lake and saw a reflection of yourself, jumped in, and tried to save yourself from drowning.

…you grabbed a bowl when I said it was chilly outside.

…you left me a voicemail by screaming into my mailbox.

…you went to the beach to surf the internet.

…you stuck a phone up your ass to make a booty call.

…you went to get a ladder when you heard drinks were on the house.

…you went to the library to find Facebook.

…you went to the dentist to get your Bluetooth fixed.

…you sprayed a tree with Axe body spray and thought it would fall down.

…you tried to climb Mountain Dew.

…when you took a survey that asked you your sex you put in “M, F, and sometimes Wednesday”

…you bought tickets to Xbox Live.

…you went to Babies R Us and asked where the babies were.

…you fell up a flight of stairs.

…when your TV got stolen, you chased the robber shouting “You forgot the remote!”

…you made an appointment with Dr. Pepper.

…you returned a doughnut because it had a hole in it.

…when you were in court, the Judge said “Order” and you said “Fries and a Coke, please.”

…it took you an hour to make one minute rice.

…you got fired from a blow job.

…you got hit by a cup and told the police you got mugged.

…you stood on a chair to raise your IQ.

…you had to ask what the number was for “9-1-1.”

…when you saw the “On Air” sign you said, “Let’s go down, I’m afraid of heights.”

…when a zombie said it wanted brains, it walked right past you.

…you went to a pipe company looking for YouTube.

…when people said you killed the vibe, you went to the police and said “Arrest me, I’m a murderer.”

…you stood on a chair to raise your IQ.

…when you saw a nickel, you said “I’m going to give this to Jefferson!”

…when someone gives you a piece of paper with ‘please turn over’ written on both sides, it’ll keep you busy for hours.

…you put a quarter in each ear and thought you were listening to 50 Cent.

…you bought Norton antivirus when you had a cold.

Below are specific to the following versions of “You’re So Stupid” insults

Your momma so stupid…

…she loved you!

 

Holmes’ Sayings for a Conversation

These are good to use if you want to spark up a conversation but don’t know what to say!

————————————-

1. “Hey, are you circumcised?”

2. “Nice shirt, I saw one exactly like that at the salvation army”

3. “Hey, would you like to start a sexual relationship?”

4. “You don’t know me but will you marry me?”

5. “You might not remember me but that’s because of all the booze you drank last night.”

6. “My friend told me you were nice and good in bed”

7. “So what do you think, Cheese Whiz or Cheese sticks?”

8. “Can I follow you home?”

9. “Hey, I’m doing a poll: Do you wear protection?”

10. “Can I come over to your house and eat one time?”

11. “Are you a lonely puristic loyal Caucasian women?”

12. “Do I have anything up my nose?”

13. “Can I touch your body or do you want to touch mine? Tell you what, we’ll flip a coin for it.”

14. “Have you ever herd of this thing called ‘The Internet'”?

15. “Hey, how much do you make every month?”

16. “Don’t look at me like that!”

17. “Hola, yo estoy hablar en un lingua romantica.”

18. “Stop touching me in my private areas!”

19. “I’m related to Bill Gates.”

20. “So you look more beautiful up close then from the treetop near your bathroom.”

 

100 Reasons Why It’s Great to Be a Guy

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3. You know stuff about tanks.

4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5. Monday Night Football.

6. You don’t have to monitor your friends sex lives.

7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

8. You can open all your own jars.

9. Old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.

10. Dry cleaners and haircutter’s don’t rob you blind.

11. When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.

12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

13. All your orgasms are real.

14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.

16. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

17. You understand why Stripes is funny.

18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.

19. Your last name stays put.

20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

21. When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

22. You can kill your own food.

23. The garage is all yours.

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

27. You never have to clean the toilet.

28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship

34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

35. You don’t have to shave below your neck.

36. You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

37. If you’re 34 and single nobody notices.

38. You can write your name in the snow.

39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

40. Everything on your face stays its original color.

41. Chocolate is just another snack.

42. You can be president.

43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

44. Flowers fix everything.

45. You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.

46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

51. Foreplay is optional.

52. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.

53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.

54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

55. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.

56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

58. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.

59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking “He must be mad at me.”

60. The world is your urinal.

61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.

63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

64. One mood, all the time.

65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too skeevy.

67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.

69. Same work….more pay.

70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

71. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

73. You don’t care if someone is talking about you behind your back.

74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth’s population in 15 tries, in theory.

75. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.

76. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.

77. The remote is yours and yours alone.

78. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.

79. SportsCenter.

80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.

82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

84. You needn’t pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.

85. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed.

86. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.

87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “Fuck it!”

88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

89. Princess Di’s death was almost just another obituary.

90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.

92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

93. If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

94. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

96. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.

97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So… notice anything different?”

99. Baywatch.

100. There is always a game on somewhere.

 

Things to Ponder

1. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

5. Why do “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

6. Why do “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

7. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?

8. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?

9. Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

10. Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?

11. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

12. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?

13. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?

14. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?

15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

17. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

18. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

19. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

20. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

21. Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery?”

22. Why is it that if someone tells you that there is 1 billion stars in the universe you will believethem, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint on it you will have to touch it to be sure!

23. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

24. OK…so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

25. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?

26. Who closes the door after the bus driver gets off the bus?

27. Why are pizza boxes square when the pizza is round?

28. What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.

29. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

30. Don’t you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their “practice” ?

31. Do they have the word “dictionary” in the dictionary?

32. What do you call a female daddy long legs?

33. If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

34. Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

35. If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?

36. In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?

37. Why is it called a “drive through” if you have to stop?

38. Why does mineral water that has “trickled through mountains for centuries” go out of date next year?

39. If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?

40. Why are SOFTballs hard?

41. Do vampires get AIDS?

42. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

43. Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?

44. Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?

45. If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?

46. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

47. Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?

48. Can people without hands get a grip?

49. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

50. Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?

51. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

52. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out”?

53. What do people in China call their good plates?

54. Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

55. If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?

56. Does a postman deliver his own mail?

57. Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?

58. If the professor on Giligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

59. Why dosent a chicken egg taste like chicken?

60. Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?

61. Does peanut butter really have butter in it?

62. Do mimes watch silent movies?

63. Is the fear of flying groundless?

64. Why do people say “You scared the living daylights out of me” when daylight is not living?

65. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

66. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up “there” anyway?

67. If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?

68. Why are boxing rings square?

69. Why is it called pineapple, when’s there neither pine nor apple in it?

70. Why is it called eggplant, when there’s no egg in it?

71. Why do people never say “it’s only a game” when they’re winning?

72. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

73. Why do birds have white poop?

74. Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?

75. Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?

76. Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn’t it be called an inlet.

77. If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

78. If you accidently ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?

79. Do sore thumbs really stick out?

80. Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?

81. Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?

82. What’s the opposite of opposite?

83. If Practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, then why practice?

84. Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?

85. Is the opposite of “out of whack” “in whack”

86. If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?

87. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

88. Why is the blackboard green?

89. Why do they call it a black light when it’s really purple?

90. Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?

91. What do you call male ballerinas?

92. How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?

93. If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?

94. Why are pennies bigger than dimes?

95. Did they have antiques in the olden days?

96. Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?

97. If Pringles are “so good that once you pop, you can’t stop” why do they come with a resealable lid?

98. Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?

99. What came first, the fruit or the color orange?

100. Where does the white go when the snow melts?

101. Can blind people see their dreams?

102. What is the exception to the rule that every rule has an exception? Does that make this rule right or wrong?

103. Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?

104. Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?

105. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

106. If we all evolved from monkeys, how come there’s still monkeys around now?

107. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can’t go that fast on any road?

108. Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed” if afterwards it doesn’t work anymore?

109. If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

110. If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn’t they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren’t we all masochist?

111. why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?

112. why is black history month (February) the shortest month of the year?

113. If when people freak out they are said to be “having a cow”, when cows freak out are they said to be “having a person?”

114. Aren’t you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don’t know if they are rhetorical questions or not?

115. Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?

116. Why do we leave expensive cars in the drivway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?

117. why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?

118. What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?

119. Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn’t it be leaving a dump?

120. What if the hokey-pokey really is what it’s all about?

121. Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?

122. If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?

123. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

124. Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?

125. What would happen if an Irresistable Force met an Immovable Object?

126. What’s the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?

127. If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?

128. how can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?

129. Why are both male and female ladybugs called ladybugs instead of ladybugs and manbugs?

130. How can you hear yourself think?

131. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

132. Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?

133. Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?

134. How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?

135. If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?

136. If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

137. Why is it that when a person tells you there’s over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there’s wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

138. if you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?

139. Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?

140. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

141. If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light – how fast is a moving light?

142. why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?

143. Why is it good to be a Daddy’s girl, but bad to be a Momma’s boy?

144. How can something be new and improved? if it’s new, what was it improving on?

145. Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?

146. Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?

147. Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?

148. Why is the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star the same tune?

149. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

150. How does santa get into a house that doesn’t have a chimney?

151. If you get cheated by the better business bereau, who do you complain to?

152. If you’re in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

153. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

154. What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?

155. why are turds pinched off at the end?

156. I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?

157. If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?

158. Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn’t usually wear any pants?

159. If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?

160. How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?

161. What would you use to dilute water?

162. What should one call a male ladybird?

163. How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?

164. If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?

165. Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

166. If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

167. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

168. Aren’t all generalizations false?

169. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

170. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

171. Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?

172. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

173. Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?

174. If so, how could you treat them?

175. Did Adam and Eve have navels?

176. Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?

177. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?

178. But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!

179. Do fish get cramps after eating?

180. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

181. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

182. Do one legged ducks swim in circles?

183. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as 4’s?

184. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

185. Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?

186. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

187. How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

188. How can someone “draw a blank”?

189. How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

190. How can there be “self help GROUPS”?

191. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

192. How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

193. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? How do you know when yogurt goes bad?

194. How do you know when you’re out of invisible ink?

195. How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?

196. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

197. How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you’re never in darkness?

198. How is it possible to have a civil war?

199. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

200. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

201. If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?

202. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

203. If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?

204. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

205. If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?

206. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

207. If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

208. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

209. How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn’t have anything to jot it down on?

210. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?

211. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

212. If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

213. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

214. If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?

215. If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?

216. If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?

217. If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?

218. If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?

219. If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?

220. If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

221. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

222. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

223. If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

224. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

225. If God sneezes…what should you say?

226. If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?

227. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

228. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?

229. If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

230. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

231. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

232. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

233. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

234. If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of Congress?

235. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?

236. If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?

237. If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?

238. If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

239. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation? If superglue is so good, why doesn’t it stick to the side of the tube?

240. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why’s it still #2?

241. If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

242. If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?

243. If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn’t they call you first?

244. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

245. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?

246. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

247. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

248. If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?

249. If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?

250. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

251. If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?

252. If you can read the marking, isn’t that end already up?

253. If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

254. If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?

255. If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?

256. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

257. If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?

258. If you have an open mind why don’t your brains fall out?

259. If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says — “objects in mirror are closer than they appear”, how can that be possible?

260. If you keep trying to prove Murphy’s Law, will something keep going wrong?

261. If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?

262. If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?

263. If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you’re done?

264. If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

265. If you take a shower, where do you put it?

266. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

267. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

268. If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?

269. If you’re traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

270. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

271. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

272. Is it possible to be totally partial?

273. Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?

274. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

275. Is there a Dr. Salt?

276. Isn’t hot water already hot?

277. Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?

278. Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

279. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

280. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

281. Shouldn’t it be called a “near hit”?

282. Shouldn’t it be some things in moderation?

283. Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?

284. There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

285. What came first the chicken or the egg?

286. What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

287. What colour would a smurf turn if you choked it?

288. What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?

289. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

290. What do sheep count when they can’t sleep?

291. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

292. What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?

293. What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?

294. What happened to the first 6 ups?

295. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

296. What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?

297. What is a free gift?

298. Aren’t all gifts free?

299. What is another word for “thesaurus”?

300. What is the speed of dark?

301. What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?

302. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

303. What’s another word for synonym?

304. When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?

305. When people lose weight, where does it go?

306. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

307. When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?

308. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

309. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

310. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

311. When you’re sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

312. Where are Preparations A through G?

313. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

314. Who invented accents?

315. Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?

316. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

317. Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?

318. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

319. Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?

320. Why are there never any artist’s materials in a drawing room?

321. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

322. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

323. Why are they called ‘stands’ when they’re made for sitting?

324. Why are we afraid of falling?

325. Shouldn’t we be afraid of the sudden stop?

326. Why aren’t there bullet-proof pants?

327. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

328. Why didn’t Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?

329. Why do airlines call flights nonstop?

330. Won’t they all stop eventually?

331. Why do bars advertise live bands?

332. What does a dead band sound like?

333. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

334. If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?

335. Why do guys wear underpants?

336. Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?

337. Why do they call it disposable douche?

338. Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?

339. Why do they call them “apartments” when they are all stuck together?

340. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

341. Why do they report power outages on TV?

342. Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?

343. Why do ‘tug’boats push their barges?

344. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

345. Why do we have hot water heaters?

346. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

347. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

348. Why do we sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’, when we are already there?

349. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

350. Why do you weep and sniffle over a TV program and the imaginary Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?

351. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

352. Why does an alarm clock “go off” when it begins ringing?

353. Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

354. Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?

355. Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?

356. Why don’t you ever hear about gruntled employees?

357. Why don’t you ever see baby pigions?

358. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

359. Why is a women’s prison called a penal colony?

360. Why is it called a “building” when it is already built?

361. Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?

362. Why is it called a TV “set” when you only get one?

363. Why is it called ‘after dark’, when it is really after light?

364. Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

365. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

366. Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open it’s not adoor?

367. Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a “near miss”?

368. Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

369. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

370. Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?

371. Why is the alphabet in that order?

372. Is it because of that song?

373. Why is the word “abbreviate” so long?

374. Don’t you have to get up to get to the tape?

375. Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

376. Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

377. Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?

378. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

379. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

380. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

381. You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?

382. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

383. After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

384. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

385. Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

386. Have ex-bankers become disinterested?

387. Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?

388. Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?

389. Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?

390. Have ex-punsters been expunged?

391. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out”?

392. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

393. If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?

394. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

395. Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

396. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

397. If we call Pacfic Sun “PacSun” and Pacifc Bell “PacBell,” why don’t we call the Pacific Ocean “PacOcean?”

398. If you eat lady fingers with your hands what do you eat with your feet?  Tofu?

 

I LOVE MONKEYS

I love monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing. When I got home, I herded them into my room.

They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys. I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work.

It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys. I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is, until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, and The odor wasn’t improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn’t take it either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution: I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn’t quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. God, I love monkeys.

 

SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer’s Perspective

I.

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per house-hold; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second — 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the “flying” reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them — Santa would need 360,000 of them.This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

IV.

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance — this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

V.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now…