Sister: Mom and Dad just bought me a bird for a pet.
Brother: What kind of bird?
Sister: A keet.
Brother: Don’t you mean a parakeet?
Sister: No. They just bought me one.
Tag Archives: mom
Joke #11417
Brother: Do you know what I’m going to give Mom for her birthday? A beautiful cut-glass flower vase.
Sister: But she already has a beautiful cut-glass flower vase.
Brother: No, she doesn’t. I just dropped it!
Sister: Did you tell Mom you broke the vase?
Brother: Yes. I said, “Mom, do you remember that vase you always worried that I would break?” And she said, “Yes, what about it?” And I said, “Your worries are over!”
Joke #11414
Sister: Mom just cleaned your room. She says you’re not fit to live with pigs.
Brother: Oh yeah? And what did you say?
Sister: I stuck up for you. I said you were.
Joke #10729
Q: What did the digital clock say to its mom?
A: Look mom, no hands!
pyromom
pyromom – n. the mom of a pyro
;} a pyro that is a mom
The Snoopy-Snoop Dog Connection
I always figured snoop dogg was in some way connected to snoopy, the dog from Peanuts, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it…Then I finally realiazed something! They both have big ears! I figure they came from the same parents, which were Charley Brown and Lassie was snoopy’s mom and dad, but then charley got a divorce when he caught lassie cheating with rin tin tin. Then Charley Brown remarried to Xena, warrior princess. This is when Snoop Dogg was born. Xena left Charley Brown because she though he called her a “Good Grief”. She misunderstood the meaning of this and took it offensively. She then went out and married Hercules. Charley never told any of his sons how they were related and he slipped into depression. He began drinking heavily and saying good grief until he couldn’t hold on any longer. He packed his bags and went to Mexico changing his name to Don Carlos Browne.
———————————————-
the snoopy snoop dog connection in other languages. Yayyy!
Spanish
¡Yo siempre figuré dogg de que snoop estaba en alguna manera conectada al snoopy, el perro de Manís, pero de yo no podría poner bastante el dedo en lo. ..Then yo finalmente realiazed algo! ¡Ellos ambos tienen orejas grandes! Figuro que ellos vinieron de los mismos padres, que era Charley se Tosta y Lassie era mamá de snoopy y papá, pero entonces charley obtuvo un divorcio cuando él estafar cogido de lassie con estaño de estaño de rin. Entonces Charley se Tosta remarried a Xena, princesa de guerrero. Esto es cuándo Snoop Dogg nacía. La izquierda de Xena Charley se Tosta porque ella aunque él le llamó una “Pena Buena”. Ella entendió mal el significar de este y lo tomó ofensivamente. Ella entonces salió y Hércules casado. Charley nunca dijo cualquiera de sus hijos cómo ellos fueron relacionados y él resbaló en la depresión. El comenzó a beber pesadamente y decir la pena buena hasta que él no pudiera aguantar cualquier más largo. El empacó sus bolsas y fue a México que cambia su nombre a Don Carlos Browne.
French
Je toujours ai calculé snoop dogg était à certains égards connecté à snoopy, le chien des Arachides, mais je pas tout à fait pourrais mettre mon doigt dessus. ..Then je finalement realiazed quelque chose! Ils les deux a de grandes oreilles! Je calcule ils sont venus des parents pareils, qui étaient Charley Brun et Lassie était snoopy mom et le papa, mais alors charley a reçu un divorce quand il a attrapé tricher de lassie avec l’étain d’étain de rin. Alors Charley remarried Brun à Xena, la princesse de guerrier. Ceci est quand Snoop Dogg était né. Xena part Charley Brun parce qu’elle bien qu’il l’a appelée un “le Bon Chagrin”. Elle misunderstood le sens de ceci et l’a pris choquamment. Elle est sorti alors et Hercules épousé. Charley n’a jamais dit n’importe quel de ses fils comment ils ont été relatés et il a glissé dans la dépression. Il a commencé à boire lourdement et la maxime bon chagrin jusqu’à ce qu’il ne pourrait pas tenir sur plus long. Il a emballé ses sacs et est allé à changer de Mexique son nom à Don Carlos Browne.
German
Ich habe snoop dogg in mancher Hinsicht an snoopy, der Hund von Erdnüssen immer gerechnet war hat angeschlossen, aber ich könnte nicht sehr meinen Finger darauf stellen. ..Then ich schließlich realiazed etwas! Sie haben beide große Ohren! Ich rechne sie von den gleichen Eltern, die Charley Braun und Lassie waren, Mutti snoopy und Vater sind gekommen war, aber dann hat charley eine Scheidung erhalten, als er lassie gefangen hat, der mit rin Zinn Zinn betrügt. Dann Charley Braun remarried zu Xena, Krieger Prinzessin. Dies ist, als Snoop Dogg geboren war. Xena verlassen Charley Braun weil sie, obwohl er sie ein “Guter Gram” gerufen hat. Sie hat das Bedeuten von diesem mißverstanden und hat es anstößig genommen. Sie ist aus und verheiratet Hercules dann gegangen. Charley hat irgendein von seinen Söhnen nie erzählt, wie sie verwandt waren, und er ist in Depression gerutscht. Er hat begonnen, schwer zu trinken, und Spruch von gutem Gram, bis er auf irgendeinem längeren nicht halten könnte. Er hat seine Säcke eingepackt und ist nach Mexiko Änderung sein Name zu Don Carlos Browne gegangen.
Italian
Ho calcolato sempre il dogg di snoop era in alcuna maniera collegata allo snoopy, il cane dalle Arachidi, ma non potrei mettere completamente il mia dito su esso. ..Then io finalmente il realiazed qualcosa! Loro entrambi l’ha gli orecchia grandi! Calcolo sono venuti dagli stessi genitori, che erano Charley Marrone e Lassie era il mom dello snoopy ed il babbo, ma poi il charley ha preso un divorzio quando ha preso ingannare di lassie con lo stagno di stagno di rin. Poi Charley il remarried Marrone a Xena, la principessa di guerriero. Questo è quando Snoop Dogg era nato. Lo Xena Charley sinistro Marrone perché lei nonostante l’ha chiamata un “dolore Buono”. Ha frainteso il significato di quest’e l’ha portato offensivamente. È uscita poi ed Hercules sposato. Il Charley non ha mai detto qualunque di suoi figli come erano raccontati ed ha scivolato nella depressione. Ha iniziato a bere pesantementemente ed il detto dolore buono finché non potrebbe tenere su qualunque più lungo. Ha fatto le valigie le sue borse ed è andato a cambiare di Messico il suo nome a Don Carlos Browne.
Norwegian
Jeg alltid beregnet snoop dogg var på noen måter koplet til snoopyhunden fra Peanøttermen jeg ikke helt kunne anbringe min finger på det..then jeg til slutt realiazed noe! De begge har store øre! Jeg beregner de kom fra de samme foreldrenesom var Charley Brun og Lassie var snoopys mamma og pappamen da charley fikk en skilsmisse da han fanget lassie som snyter med rin tinntinn. Da Charley Brun remarried til Xenakrigerprinsesse. Dette er når Snoop Dogg var født. Xena venstre side Charley Brun fordi hun skjønt han kalte henne enGod Sorg. Hun misunderstood det betyende av dette og tok det anstøtelig. Hun da drog ut og giftet seg med Hercules. Charley aldri fortalte noe av hans sønner hvordan de ble fortalt og han glapp inn i depresjon. Han begynte å drikke tungt og ordspråk god sorg til han ikke kunne holde på noe lengre. Han pakket inn hans sekker og drog til Mexico forandring hans navn til Don Carlos Browne.
Portuguese
Eu sempre imaginei dogg de snoop estava em algum meio ligou a snoopy, para o cachorro de Amendoim, mas mim bem nao podia por o meu dedo em ele. ..Then eu finalmente realiazed algo! Eles ambos têm orelhas grandes! Imagino vieram dos mesmos pais, que eram Charley Lassie Marrom era mom do snoopy e papai, mas então charley recebeu um divórcio quando pegou cheating de lassie com estanho de estanho de rin. Então Charley remarried Marrom a Xena, princesa de guerreiro. Isto é quando Dogg de Snoop nascia. O Xena Charley esquerdo Marrom porque ela embora chamou seu um “Boa Mágoa”. Ela misunderstood o querer dizer deste e tomou ofensivamente. Ela então saiu e Hercules casado. O Charley nunca contou qualquer dseus filhos como eles foram relacionados e escorregou em depressão. Começou bebida pesadamente e ditado boa mágoa até que ele nao podia agarrar-se mais. Empacotou suas sacolas e foi a mudança de México seu nome a Browne de Carlos de Don.
Joke #7837
Q: What is labor day?
A: That’s when mommies have their babies.
your mom
Those Crazy Americans
Buzz blared Elizabeth’s alarm. Elizabeth awoke and opened the blinds. The bright, gold, British sun shined through the window stinging her eyes like a blind man’s first site. She got out of bed and walked over to her computer. As she checked her E-mail she saw a message. It was from the Burns family in New York, New York. They invited her to come as an aupair to America.
Elizabeth ran to tell her parents the good news. It wasn’t long before the fourteen year old girl worked out all the details. Soon enough she was about to board her plain. Elizabeth felt a nervous feeling in her stomach. She had not yet seen any of the Burns family so you could understand her fear. Little did Elizabeth know that she would just now be exposed to insanity!
As Elizabeth stepped into the plane she saw an old man sitting across from her row on the right side of the plain. He looked to be in his fifties drinking a glass of orange juice. Elizabeth sat between to old men. One was senile and the other nearly deaf. Elizabeth thought to herself that this was going to be an interesting flight. As she fastened her seatbelt she was exposed to the pure maddness.
“Hello Young Lady, what is your name,” asked the senile looking old man. “I’m Bert but you can call me honey pie.”
“I’m Elizabeth.” “And sir what’s your name,” she asked looking at the second old man.”
“Notre Dame, a heck of a football team.”
“No!” Exclaimed Elizabeth. “Your name!” “What is your name.”
“They are certainly not lame!”
“Your name,” Elizabeth stated very slowly.
“Oh my name.” “Why didn’t you ask me sooner?” “I’m Jack.”
“And I’m Barry, Mrs. Beautiful,” said the first man.”
Barry reaches under his seat and pull out the small cup from a Children’s Tylenol bottle. Then he reaches under again and pulls out a carton of Orange Juice. He sips out of the carton. The stuardest comes and gives the man another carton. She then offers everyone a bag of peanuts. When she first comes to Elizabeth’s row she talks to Jack first.
“Here are your nuts, sir.”
“I’m not nuts!” I may not be one of them young fellers, but I’m still hip.”
“Let me tell you a story nut lady.”
“Where’s my passport to fun?” Interrupted Bert. “You can’t have the ice cream, Jill.” “Let’s dance.” I can’t afford that, refuse a chicken to my wife.”
“Huh,” Jack stated.
“Get me another carton of Orange Juice, I’m going for the record.”
Elizabeth got up and stayed in the bathroom for the next eight hours. She came out when the plane landed. Elizabeth came out of the plain and into New York City. She saw a family. There was an old lady in a wheel chair, a small man standing next to a big woman in overalls and a yellow shirt, a kid who looks about twelve wearing braces head gear, and a small Japanese woman.
“Welcome to the family,” exclaimed the woman! “This is Grandma Burns.” “This is my husband Chris.” “This little bundle of metallic joy is my son Nicholas.” ” And this is our Japanese aupair Ms. Woo.” “You can call me Momma!”
Elizabeth took her bags with her and everyone loaded into the Burn’s old Station Wagon. Momma started the engine and drove off. Bang! Boom, roared the engine as hordes of dust blasted out of the tail pipe like a sandstorm.
Everyone drove down to a local resturant. Ala’s BBQ “The Best Food in Ala New York.” Everyone sat down to eat. After they gave their orders they started up a conversation.
“Hey there Nicky,” stated Ms. Woo.
“Don’t call him that,” exclaimed Momma! “Call him one of those nick names again and all loose my mind!”
“Liz, do they eat fatty foods in Great Britian?” Asked Grandma. “Because your rather husky.” “I never had a very good history with husky people!” “No offense of course.”
Soon enough the bill come reading fourteen dollars and eighty-six cents. When Grandma saw the bill she gasped and put her hand over her heart. Momma tipped over Grandma’s wheel chair. Then the entire family got in the Station Wagon and drove off.
To be continued……
The Ham Pan Story
As told by Mrs. DYKE
–
There was this lady that always took off 4 inches the back of her ham. One day, her girlfriends said, “why do you cut the back 4 inches off your ham? You’re not supposed to do that!” She said, “I don’t know, that’s what my mom always did.” So she asked her mom why she cut the back 4 inches of the ham, and her mom said, “because my pan couldn’t hold the last 4 inches of the ham.” That’s the relation between the Opium Wars and my butt
Stuck In the Past
This was written for class, and was supposed to mirror a main point from one of the parables of the horrible book, The Joy Luck Club.
————————————–
It was yesterday, when Alan was told that his parents were going to get a divorce. He didn’t understand what that meant at first, but his mom simply said to him, “You’ll never see your dad again.” Alan became confused, and wondered what he had done to make his dad not want to see him. Because he was so young, at the age of 8, he had no way to express his sadness to anyone except to cry himself to sleep.
Less than a week after his mother told him about the divorce, Alan and his mom moved across the country. As if his parent’s separation wasn’t hard enough, he had to cope with completely new surroundings. All that Alan wanted was to be alone, and to accept that his life would never be the same again. He thought constantly about how everything had changed: where his new home was, the friends he would never see again, and so much more. Soon enough, he began to blame all his sadness and anger on his father.
Alan was viewed by the other children at school as an outsider. He never talked to anyone, participated in class, or even did anything but drown in his misery during recess. His mind often wandered during class, thinking time and time again about the drastic changes in his life. He didn’t feel comfortable being anywhere, except in his own dream world, where his life was perfect again, before all the changes.
The image of his father, had warped into something evil. His father had become the devil he cursed everyday before bed. As the days turned into months, and the months into years, he came to the conclusion that he never really knew his father. This man who came home everyday late at night, and never spent any time with Alan, except a few hours, if that much, on the weekends. Alan often asked himself “Who was this man?” Alan didn’t even remember what his father liked to do in his spare time, or even if he liked to eat any of the foods Alan liked to eat. It was his mother who was the victim, and the man he didn’t even know was the person responsible for murdering who Alan would have been some day. He could have been a successful businessman, but instead he was a drunkard, at the age of 16. He often drank until he was sick. The funny thing about it was that there wasn’t any peer pressure involved. Alan never had any friends, and was consumed by his hatred and sadness, even after all the years that had passed.
Alan had distorted all the details of what the first 8 years of his life had actually been like. All the memories of playing catch with his father were gone. They were replaced with illusions of his father beating Alan with the baseball bat that was used for batting the balls. He also replaced all the memories of his father teaching Alan how to swim with his father trying to drown him in the bathtub. His father became the worst man ever to live in this world.
Alan never talked about any of these horrible thoughts with his mother. Alan’s twisted attitude towards life went mostly disregarded by his mother, because she thought he was just “going through a phase.” Not until Alan’s mother actually caught him with an empty bottle of vodka, did she have an epiphany that her son truly had serious problems. It was after this event that Alan’s mother confessed to him that it wasn’t true that his father did not want to see him all those years, but rather that she had not allowed his father to see Alan. It didn’t matter at that point though; the mental damage had already been done.
Wally 2: Wally’s Orgy
This is the Wally 2 story for Dave’s Profantiy Patch.
———————————-
Welcome to Wally 2: Wallys Orgy. Wally will go through levels and after you complete them, Wally will have orgies with other hot Wallow bitches.
Fuck you. Go and get the fucking balloons you fucking cunt. You cant get to the bonus orgy if you dont. You mother-fucking twelve year old. FUCKKKKK YOOOOOUUUUUU! You think youre almost done? HA! NO YOURE NOT YOU FAT BITCH. GO FUCK A CAMEL. Go suck on a gorilla moms tit.
I fucked your mom. So, I was sitting down writing this, and I thought of how much of a sloppy cunt bitch you are. Then I threw up. Fuck yoooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuu!!!! Don’t be gay.
You suck. I dont know what you look like, but please insert a racist joke here. Do you have eyebrow dandruff? I bet you do. Thats fucking sick.
Having fun? Well Im not. I have to write 40 fucking level descriptions. Oh no, Wally has to uhh… do some stuff again… fuck off you game maker nerd.
Hey. Im sorry for all the things I said. Actually, Im not. Ahahahaha! Seriously. I really am serious this time, Im sorry. So all you little nerds playing this game getting help from your mommies, its ok if youre a fucking dipshit.
This is becoming a challenge to write these. Fuck yooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuu! Congratualations. Go to Squackle, asshole. I’m going to gut you like a fish.
Have you ever eaten an eyeball? Level 20. I love you. ;.!,:=-+_ Thats punctuation for fuck you. Yay…………………………………………… You made it………………………………
……………………………. ……………………………. …………………………….
One day, Wally was going through the woods, when he saw a big tree shaped like a penis. Wow, Wally said. Thats a tree that looks like a weiner!
Just then, a Wallow Bitch named Sandra took out the lube and started fucking the penis tree. Oh yes, oh yes! Sandra the Wallow Bitch said. She was having multiple orgasms every second.
Hey! Wally said. He’d be damned if a fucking tree that was shaped like a penis would steal his Wallow Bitch. Wally took out his huge ball sack from his pants and swung them at the tree. Unfortunately for Wally, there were spines on the tree.
Oh my fucking God! Wally screamed in pain. How would you feel if you just swung your nut sack into a tree that had 3 inch spines sticking out of it? As Wally lay bleeding on the ground, Sandra was starting to make a waterfall on the tree. The tree seemed to get bigger.
Wally felt like he was going to die. He had like 20 spines sticking out of his nut sack. What could Wally do? Nothing, that’s what. He started to cry, like a BITCH. Kind of like you. Well, Sandra got eaten by the penis tree. Oh fucking well.
As for Wally, he didn’t die. He’s actually going to jump around and get some balloons right now! Aren’t you tired yet, fucker?
You suck. I hate you. I want you to DIE! LAST LEVEL, YOU WHORE.
GOOD JOB, JACKASS! You made it to the bonus level! How fucking long did that take you?
Die Clown DIE!
Prologue: Camera Man Gets a Dumb-Assignment
“Mr. Zog, please come in here,” Mr. Zog’s boss said. Mr. Zog doesn’t look too thrilled as he gets up from his desk and starts to walk to his boss’s office.
“Ooh, somebody’s gonna get it now!” Mr. Zog could hear from a distance as he walked into his boss’s office.
“Ah, Mr. Zog! I have a special assignment for you. You are going to test our latest and greatest camera, and it doesn’t weigh anything at all. We can connect it to your brain and eyes and it’ll have your thoughts recorded along with what you are seeing, when you turn it on. Walk to your left and the surgeons will begin surgery.” Mr. Zog looked sad, and walked toward the door.
“Oh, wait, here’s your first assignment” Mr. Zog’s boss said as he handed him the assignment and then said “See ya later,” when Mr. Zog walked through the door, his boss then mumbled, “Wouldn’t wanna be ya”
Chapter 1: Goin’ On a Clown Hunt
“Great, just great. I’m stuck with two so called ‘cops’ out to arrest clowns. What an assignment my boss gave me, sheesh, and I haven’t even seen these guy’s faces,” thought Mr. Zog, as he sat in the back seat of the “police” car.
He then said, “Hello everybody, I’m on assignment with Sheriff Wimplespoon, and Deputy Jimmy Jones of the Ump Town Police Department in New Jersey, hunting for clowns.”
Deputy Jimmy Jones then added “That’s right, there are many, many types of clowns. Alien Clowns, Vampire Clowns, Ghost Clowns, but today we’re going to hunt down one of the most vicious types of clown in the world…..the ones who smoke cigarettes!”
The computer in the car started to beep. That means there is a sighting of a clown.
The computer beeped and said, “Clown that smokes cigarettes sighted at some no-name café place. Please report to Second Street and Slushy Boulevard!!! NOW!!!”
Sheriff Wimplespoon looked at Deputy Jimmy Jones, and said “Let’s roll!” as Sheriff Wimplespoon went top speed, and put on a Ricky Martin CD.
Mr. Zog yells, “AAARRGGHH!!!! NOT RICKY MARTIN!!!!!! TURN IT OFF!!! TURN IT OFF!!! PPPPLLEEEAAASSEEE!!!!!”
Sheriff Wimplespoon looks back at the Camera Man in disgust, “Shut up, you’re interrupting ‘Cup of Life’!”
Mr. Zog, thinking to himself, says, “I can’t take this punishment! I can only hope we get there soon….”
Chapter 2: Doughnut and Coffee Break
Suddenly the Police Car stopped.
Then the Mr. Zog said, “Hey, what is this place??”
Sheriff Wimplespoon replied, “Don’t worry, we’re stopping at Doughnut Palace for some doughnuts and we’ll be right back.” Deputy Jimmy Jones has an evil grin on his face and he licked his lips. Mr. Zog looked at the two officers like they were crazy, which they were, looked down at the floor and shaked his head from side to side, saying ‘sad’ over and over again.
Chapter 3: Bloody Biscuits
Sometime while Mr. Zog was waiting, he actually started missing the two stupid cops. So he got out of the car and walked toward the Donut Shop. Inside he saw the two cops talking about something, and as he walked in, they stopped talking.
The doughnut man walked by Mr. Zog in his tutu, and Sheriff Wimplespoon then said, with his mouth full, “I thought you were staying in the car” Mr. Zog couldn’t reply, because he was looking at the big ring of powder and frost on their lips.
He finally said, “Uh, um, yeah, uh, ok…” Then he walked over to the table the cops were sitting at and sat down with them.
Mr. Zog asks as he looked down at the ‘doughnuts’, “Hey, what kind of doughnuts are those?” Sheriff Wimplespoon looked at Deputy Jimmy Jones with a nervous look on his face. Then he replied, saying, “Uh, they are, umm, jelly donuts…yeah that’s it! Jelly donuts! You can’t see the jelly till you…eat…it…”
Mr. Zog replied, “Don’t mind if I do” as he reached and picked up one of the donuts.
Sheriff Wimplespoon looked a little scared as Mr. Zog chomped away at the doughnuts.
Sheriff Wimplespoon then said, “Hey, slow down, foo! Save some for us!” Right after Sheriff Wimplespoon said that, Mr. Zog made a few choking sounds and put his hands across his neck. Deputy Jimmy Jones has a bewildered look on his face.
Mr. Zog managed to say, “Ch…o….k…i…nn..gg…” But, as soon as he said that a lot of blood started coming out from his mouth, and the last thing that he could remember was that the cops had took out a syringe of some kind….
Chapter 4: Smells Like Clowns…or Cheap Coffee
Mr. Zog woke up just as the police car gets to the café. Sheriff Wimplespoon turned off the car, Ricky Martin music going dead, everybody unloads, except Mr. Zog who got out sort of dizzy. This was the first time Mr. Zog got a glimpse of the two cops he was with. Sheriff Wimplespoon was a chubby man, that had brown hair with white streaks in it, he looked around 50 years old. Deputy Jimmy Jones, on the other hand, was a tall man, with black hair, long legs, and long fingers. His eyes almost looked like an alien’s in the night. The officers turned away from Mr. Zog and started to walk toward the café.
Chapter 5: Clown in Café Gets Beat Up
For no reason Sheriff Wimplespoon said, “By the way what’s you name?”
Mr. Zog hesitated for a moment and said, “Uhhhh, umm…..Mr. Zog”
Sheriff Wimplespoon said, “Oh, that’s a nice name, Mr. Zog,” just as they walked through the door.
Deputy Jimmy Jones yelled, “THERE HE IS!! THERE’S THE CLOWN!!! GET HIM!!!” The clown looked up at the officers with a dumb look, and the cigarette dropped out of his mouth into his lap, just as the officers tackled the clown to the floor. The clown kicked his feet all over the place.
“What are you DOING???? I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!!!” Sheriff Wimplespoon yelled, “SHUT UP!!!! WE KNOW YOUR GAME!!! YOU ARE SILLY GOOSE POOP THE CLOWN, AND YOU SMOKE CIGARETTES!!! SO WE MUST ARREST YOU!!!!”
Chapter 6: Silly Chit Chat
The Clown says, “I’m NOT going!!!!!!”
Sheriff Wimplespoon says, “YES YOU ARE!!!”
“I’m NOT going!!!!!!”
“YES YOU ARE!!!”
“I’m NOT going!!!!!!”
“YES YOU ARE!!!”
“I’m NOT going!!!!!!”
“YES YOU ARE!!!”
Chapter 7: The Torture of It All
After about an hour of saying, “I’m not going”, and “yes you are”, the cops get the clown into the police car.
Silly Goose Poop the Clown says, “What are you going to do to me???”
Deputy Jimmy Jones says, “We’re going to take you to the station, beat you, put you on scary rides at an amusement park, make you watch 24 hours of Barney. Then put you through the ‘It’s a small world after all’ ride 1000 times, take your rubber nose and stomp on it, tickle you, trip you, leg drop you. To top it off, make you listen to Whitney Houston for a week, slam your head against a wall a couple of times, whip you, punch you, bite you, step on your brand new rubber shoes, set your hair on fire, make you watch Spanish Wrestling, and the Creme de la Creme, kill you, if you’re not already dead.”
Silly Goose Poop the Clown looked unhappy and said, “Does it have to be a 1000 times?”
Deputy Jimmy Jones said, “No, we’ll make it 10,000, just for you.” Silly Goose Poop the Clown rolled his eyes and says, “Gee, thanks…..”
Deputy Jimmy Jones nodded with an evil grin and says, “You’re welcome.”
Chapter 8: Fresh Meat
When they got to the police station there was a crowd of clowns rioting against the harsh treatment of clowns.
Sheriff Wimplespoon gets out, smiled, licked his lips and said, “Fresh meat” and got Silly Goose Poop the Clown out of the car and pushed through the crowd with Deputy Jimmy Jones holding Silly Goose Poop the Clown’s legs.
Chapter 9: A Sad Little Room With One Window
Once they got in to a dark little room with cement walls they threw the clown against the wall, he made a splat against the wall and dropped down.
Sheriff Wimplespoon looked at Mr. Zog and said, “We’ll be right back. You stay here, Mr. Zog.” Deputy Jimmy Jones and the Sheriff walked outside, and through the only window in the whole room, a bright light flickered a lot, and stays on for a while. There are a lot of screams until the light turned off.
After a few minutes the Sheriff and the Deputy came back in and punched the clown in the kidneys.
The Sheriff turned to Mr. Zog and said, “Let’s go to a night club. We’ll let the other officers torture him for a while.”
Chapter 10: Cop Steps in Poo
On his way to the car, Deputy Jimmy Jones said, “Ah, crap”
The Sheriff looked at Deputy Jimmy Jones and says, “What is it?”
Deputy Jimmy Jones says, “I stepped in poo….now my new steel toes with rocket boosters are smelly….they cost a lot of moolah.”
Chapter 11: The Hippie Clowns that Sing on the Front Lawn
“Sorry, guys, we won’t be going to the night club just yet. We need to make a stop at some old lady’s front yard. Some hippie clowns are there.” Sheriff Wimplespoon said, with an annoyed tone. When they got to the old lady’s front lawn there were some singing clowns and a lady that was screaming.
Sheriff Wimplespoon then said, “This isn’t a pretty sight, stay in here, it won’t be too long.” The Sheriff gets out of the car goes over to the lady, shoots her, then shoots the clowns with his gun and comes back to the car.
“See, I told you it wouldn’t take long.” Sheriff Wimplespoon added as he turned the car on.”
Chapter 12: Oh, Puppy Poo
When the police officers got out of the car, they made their way almost to the night club doors, when Deputy Jimmy Jones tripped over a puppy, into some puppy poo, face first.
Mumbling through the poo, Deputy Jimmy Jones says, “I’m like a poo magnet…”
Chapter 12: Die Clowns DIE!
Mr. Zog, Deputy Jimmy Jones, and Sheriff Wimplespoon later find themselves at a party.
Mr. Zog thinks to himself, “Oh boy, oh boy! I hope there are some hot chicks here!” But unfortunately for him he finds that this was a clown’s night club. There was a guy, named Vanilla Clown, that was singing his song “Clown, Clown, Baby.” “CLOWN, CLOWN, BABY…..CLOWN, CLOWN, BABY ” says Vanilla Clown. Sheriff Wimplespoon takes out his .44 and shoots it in the air. The clown stops singing and everybody looks to where the gun shots were.
Sheriff Wimplespoon then yells, “YOU’RE ALL UNDER ARREST!!! BUT THEN AGAIN, SINCE YOU ALL SMOKE, YOU DESERVE TO DIIIIEEEE!!!!” Sheriff Wimplespoon points his .44 at the nearest clown he sees and has a smile on his face.
Chapter 13: Fresh Meat, Full of Lead
“BLAM, BLAM!” Went the gun and, as the bullets made contact with the clown it was going for, it made a sickening cccrrackk.
Deputy Jimmy Jones then yelled over the fire, “Sheriff, there are too many!”
Sheriff Wimplespoon spoke into his little walkie talkie on his shoulder and yelled, “Mass Clown Cult!! We need Reinforcements immediately!!!” Within a few seconds a whole squad of cops came in with flame-throwers and rifles.
Sheriff Wimplespoon then yelled, “HIT THEM WITH EVERYTHING YOU GOT!!!” Then a stupid officer gets out from the line with his flame-thrower and burns a whole lot of clowns. They all said, “MELLLLTTINNGG….MMEELLLTTTINNGG” except for one who said it in Spanish. Somewhere through the battle four ninja turtles and two monster things were shot while fighting each other….
Chapter 14: Later That Night
Sheriff Wimplespoon shook the hands of all the officers that participated in the “glorious” event as he said it.
Sheriff Wimplespoon then yelled, “Good job everybody, you see anymore clowns, you shoot them, you hear me? Homee Gz!” Just about then, Mr. Zog came out of the building and said, “Wow, that was actually fun, and I liked taking all the money that wasn’t burned and shot with a bullet through from the clowns wallets, and drank a whole lot o’ beer…..uuugghh….I don’t feel to good” And the last thing he could remember was falling into the arms of Sheriff Wimplespoon….
Chapter 15: Adventures in CameraLand
In Mr. Zog’s dream he’s running away from a flying craft of some sort, but it was in a shadow. Except that it had bright lights on the sides of it. He’s screaming something, but he can’t understand what, and behind him are two figures chasing after him. Which looked like the two cops. The flying thing sped up, and a very bright light came from the middle of it to the ground, and sucked Mr. Zog up, and then, and then, and then…..Mr. Zog woke up, screaming, “AAAAHHHH!!!!” Mr. Zog looked around and calmed down.
Chapter 16: AWeird Sack of Puppy Poo and Aliens Don’t Have Noses
Deputy Jimmy Jones ran toward him and said, “Hey, why’d you scream?” But before Mr. Zog could reply, Deputy Jimmy Jones tripped over a bag, clearly marked, “Weird Sack of Puppy Poo.” Mr. Zog looked up and said, “Uhhh….nightmare….” Deputy Jimmy Jones said, “Oh ok” as he got up, turned away, but looked back, and started peeling his face off. Mr. Zog screamed and backed up against the wall, as Deputy Jimmy Jones takes off all of his skin, and what he was….was….he was….an….an……alien!!!! The alien screeched, “I want your nose!!! I don’t have a nose, so I want yours!!!” Mr. Zog yelled and screamed, and everything gets all “snowy.”
Epilogue: Unsolved Mysteries Takes Things From America’s Most Wanted
The Unsolved Mysteries guy focused into view from a TV screen next to him and said, “That was the captured footage of the clown abducting aliens. We still do not know what has happened to the Camera Man, Sheriff Wimplespoon, Deputy Jimmy Jones, Silly Goose Poop the Clown or the crowd of disturbed, disgruntled, hairy faced, nose picking, arm-pit scratching, booger-eating, Backstreet Boy loving clowns who have excruciatingly severe body odor and back hair, outside expressing their anger outside the police station. If you have any information at all, please dial us at, 1-900-WESUCK1. All charges are charged to you, ‘cause we are cheap and don’t have any money, and out 1-800 numbers just turn into 1-900 numbers after a few minutes like that psychic phone line thing. Um….ok, bye….”
Epilogue 2: Squigginsquash, Squibblepumpkin, See ya later!
Two people and a puppy come into focus. The person on the right says, “Hi, my name is Woo!” The other person then said, “My name is Hoo!” They then both said in unison, “And this is Sergeant Scruff.” The little puppy gives a little howl. Woo and Hoo then sang together, “Now’s the time to say good byyyeee” As the Woo and Hoo said bye the puppy gave a howl. Then Woo and Hoo stop singing and said, “So, bye.” Then they walk away.
Children’s Books that Didn’t Make the Cut
1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. All Cats Go to Hell
9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
10. Some Kittens Can Fly
11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
13. Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games
14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
30 Things to Do On an Exam When You Know That You Are Going To Fail
1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.
6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.
7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
8. Come down with a BAD case of Turret’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Fuck this!” and walk out triumphantly.
14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e.. threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)
15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.
18. If the exam is math / sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.
23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.
24. Masturbate.
25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”
26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up!
27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blackened out.
28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”
29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question. Ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him or her.