“I want to feel the cock inside your self !”
– Blankenship Lily, spammer on Twitter
“I want to feel the cock inside your self !”
– Blankenship Lily, spammer on Twitter
Q: What has 47 teeth and holds a monster?
A: My pants’ zipper.
A – “the” Alpha
B – Banana, Burrito, Bulge, Beef, Baby-maker, Big one, Bat, Boner, Bone, Biscuit
C – Cock, Chub, Club, Chode
D – Dick, Dong, Donger, Dingaling, Dingdong, Drill, Dipstick
E – Ejaculater, Equipment
F – Frank, Frankfurter, Faucet, Fuckstick, Flute, Fire-hose, Five-Dollar Footlong, “a” Floppy
G – Gavel, Groin
H – Head, Hot dog, Hammer, Hose, Handle
J – Johnson, Joystick, Junior
K – Knob
L – Leaker, Love muscle, Limp Bizkit, Lip Balm Stick
M – Manhood, Meat, Member, Magnum
N – Noodle, Needle, Navy Ship (lots of sea-men)
O – One-eyed Snake
P – Penis, Phallus, Pecker, Peter, Prick, Pickle, Package, Pole, Peepee, Pisser, Pounder, Poker, Popsicle, Pricker, Pen15, Pistol, Pogo stick, Pene (Spanish/Italian), Privates, Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger
R – Rocket, Rod, Richard
S – Sausage, Shaft, Scepter, Schlong, Spelunker, Stick, Snake, Sword, Shooter, Squirter, Stamp, Submarine, Shower Not a Grower
T – Thing, Tool, Tower, Tripod, Third Leg, Ten-incher, Tip, Tinky Winky, Thermometer
W – Weewee, Weiner, Weenee, Wang, Willy, Wood, Wii, Wee, Whistle, Womb raider, Weapon
eeenubu – v. to tattoo your birthday on your penis
cosaelitea – v. to replace your penis with a live animal
tevindy – n. a tattoo of a bong on your back that just looks like a penis going into your ass
To continue on the earlier thought that practically every song Katy Perry sings is about Katy Perry taking it from a very large penis in some shape or form, her recent single “Dark Horse” is also about a big penis slapping the shit out of her ovaries. In this edition of Dave’s Breakdown, we’ll go over the lyrics of this song with a fine toothed-comb.
“Yeah / Ya’ll know what it is / Katy Perry / Juicy J, aha. / Let’s rage”
Okay this part is your normal introduction of the “guest” singer in a song. So we have it established that this guy “Juicy J” is the object of Katy Perry’s lower abdominal discomfort. As his name implies, he probably has a very large, juicy penis. Or at least, that’s what we’re supposed to believe.
“I knew you were / You were gonna come to me”
Well, you can’t get more blunt than this. This guy is “cumming” to her!
“And here you are / But you better choose carefully”
Choosing what, you might ask? I’m guessing anal or vagina. You have to choose carefully because if you go anal you can’t go vagina unless you trade out the condom because then there will be shit on the condom and putting shit into a vagina isn’t nice for anyone.
“‘Cause I, I’m capable of anything / Of anything and everything”
She’s open to every position you can think of, and she is very flexible.
“Make me your Aphrodite / Make me your one and only / But don’t make me your enemy, your enemy, your enemy”
Something about not being open to threesomes.
“So you wanna play with magic / Boy, you should know what you’re falling for”
Play with “magic” being semen swirling inside of her vagina. Falling, because when she squirts, she squirts with such force she’ll make you fall backwards.
“Baby do you dare to do this?”
It is pretty dangerous because her vagina/ass is very tight.
“Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse”
Now, here it is. She is riding the “you” in the song like a horse, but a dark one. Because you didn’t expect her to be so easily fuckable.
“Are you ready for, ready for / A perfect storm, perfect storm”
She’s so perfect in bed, the sheets will wrap up like a tornado or something, and you can’t get out until you rip a tendon.
“Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine / There’s no going back”
Once you decide to go steady with her, anal is off the table.
“Mark my words / This love will make you levitate”
Your semen is going to “levitate” cause you’re going to be laying down while she’s riding you like a (dark) horse.
“Like a bird / Like a bird without a cage / But down to earth / If you choose to walk away, don’t walk away”
You can’t leave until you make her squawk like a bird.
“It’s in the palm of your hand now baby / It’s a yes or no, no maybe / So just be sure before you give it all to me / All to me, give it all to me”
Katy Perry’s ovaries are in your hands and you have to put them back inside her vagina, fertilized.
[Juicy J – Rap Verse:]
“Uh / She’s a beast / I call her Karma (come back) / She eats your heart out / Like Jeffrey Dahmer (woo) / Be careful / Try not to lead her on / Shorty’s heart is on steroids / Cause her love is so strong / You may fall in love / When you meet her / If you get the chance you better keep her / She’s sweet as pie but if you break her heart / She’ll turn cold as a freezer / That fairy tale ending with a knight in shining armor / She can be my Sleeping Beauty / I’m gon’ put her in a coma / Woo!”
Translation: Wear a condom or you’re fucked in more ways than one. Knight in shining “armor” indeed…
“Damn I think I love her / Shorty so bad, I’m sprung and I don’t care”
Not even trying to hide that this part is about a penis.
“She ride me like a roller coaster / Turned the bedroom into a fair (a fair!)”
Usually roller coasters come with lots of safety precautions, but once you’re set up, its going to be up and down, up and down, up and down, and possibly barfing at the end because of all the nausea/gagging. There will also be lots of gross food and cotton candy pubic hair.
“Her love is like a drug / I was tryna hit it and quit it / But lil’ mama so dope / I messed around and got addicted”
Funny how they use a word that has the word “dick” in it at the end of this verse.
In conclusion, Katy Perry has big boobs, but now her songs are more about being exclusive to one person and getting only one person to fuck her brains out in a consistent relationship rather than as a fleeting one night stand like in her song “Firework.”
“She gave me those wieners so that I could be a champion, and I’m not going to let her down now!”
– from the television
Written for the movie Grandpa’s Town Pleasing Sweets.
1st off fuk ur bitch n yo fat ass mom
i fn’ed fuken her but caz of her lose pussy i couldn’t cum
yea i no dats wrong
but tryin to battle against me
you won’t last long
like the weed in ma glass bong
they call me long shlong
(Marmafluke is a dog and speaks perfect English with a British accent and walks on two legs. SLAGGY is Marmafluke’s best friend. CRED, FELMA, and DAFTKNEE are his others.)
(Marmafluke sings the theme song in a Shakespearean manner:)
Where are you?
We’ve got some tea and crumpets
For you now…
Where are you?
We’ve got some weed
To do now!
We’ve got some mysteries to solve,
Be ready, you big ass
and don’t fucking be bisexual.
(A bunch of sweaty people run in and start freak dancing)
TITLE CARD: The Case of the Spiral Notebook
SLAGGY (voice over)
Today, Marmafluke meets Sonny and Cher!
(Fade out. Fade in with Marmafluke and Slaggy drinking tea and eating crumpets.)
So I says to Looby, “Let’s make like a spider and BUG OUTTA HERE!”
(Slaggy starts laughing hysterically.)
(Marmafluke is sitting with his legs crossed and he takes a sip of tea, seemingly unamused)
Hmm… yes… humorous…
(Marmafluke looks to the right, not laughing at all)
(Audience laughs, and as they drown out, you can hear one of them scream something)
AUDIENCE MEMBER 426
Marmafluke has a massive dong!
Now, that is totally uncalled for!
He’s right, though, it’s almost touching the floor.
(Marmafluke throws his tea to the floor and dumps his tray of crumpets on Slaggy gathering up his dog dong, hiding it in his lap)
Well, it’s not my fault…!
(Marmafluke glares at the camera)
Can’t you go SOMEWHERE ELSE!?
(Scene cuts to DAFTKNEE and FELMA digging in the ground. They’re really dirty and sweaty. Their boobs are knocking around and its pretty hot, actually, both literally and figuratively.)
(CRED is sitting on a chair drinking some lemonade under an umbrella)
CRED! Why are WE doing all the work?
Cred, this isn’t very fair.
My ascot is on too tight. You know I can’t shovel out
large amount of dirt, because I’ll pass out.
(The real reason is that Cred is looking at Daftknee and Felma’s bodily features and measuring them mentally… he was way off, though)
(Cred writes something in his notebook, saying it quietly aloud, as well)
Felma — Double D…
(Fred closes his notebook)
(The scene cuts to a bathroom door, and there’s some grunting sounds in there)
(Slaggy is waiting next to the door, and looks at his wrist, as if there was a watch there, but there isn’t.)
Come on, Marmafluke!
You’ve been in there for at least half an hour!
Looby never would make me wait
outside when he does his business.
(Little did he know, Looby’s business was jacking off)
(There’s a zipping sound behind the door, and Marmafluke walks outside wearing pants and shoes. There’s a huge lump and a line trailing down his right pant leg.)
Well, now that certain piece of indecency has
been taken care of, shall we check on the other 3?
(cut to Cred, Daftknee, and Felma)
I’m too tired to dig anymore.
Just think of what Looby would say if
he knew you were giving up on him.
(the camera cuts to a tombstone that reads:)
Here Lies Looby,
Not one brand, but three killed him.
(the camera cuts again and Felma is dragging Looby’s dead body toward the hole)
I think it’s deep enough Deftknee.
(Felma lobs Looby into the grave and it lands on Daftknee)
(Daftknee falls down and Looby is on top of her. 3 types of lubricant drained/evacuated from Looby’s orifices. Some is draining out of his nose, too. It was a gruesome death for poor Looby)
(Daftknee is squealing like a pig under Looby)
(in the next spot, Cher is in front of Sonny’s grave)
Would you mind keeping it down in there?
Aren’t you — DO YOU BELIEVE — supposed to be
dead when you’re — IN LOVE!!? — in a grave??
Wow! It’s Sonny and Cher!
Sonny is dead.
That’s funny Cher, we all know that isn’t true.
I don’t know — DO YOU BELIEVE! – what you’re talking about.
(Cut to Slaggy and Marmafluke walking toward The History Machine)
I think I’ll drive, you had a little too much…
(Slaggy is smoking a joint)
I really have no idea what you’re talking about.
It was only 5 cups!
Right… shall we?
(Slaggy and Marmafluke drive over to the cemetery)
SUNNY IS — IN LOVE! — DEAD!!
Sunny is in love?
NO! He’s in the — AFTER LIFE!!
(Daftknee is somehow out of the grave and finished shoveling the dirt into the grave)
Ah, I see you’ve finished unceremoniously burying my brother.
Rest in piece, you piece of shit.
(Daftknee spits on his grave, but due to a sudden jet stream it lands on Sonny’s grave)
You — DO YOU BELIEVE! — BITCH!!!
(Cher and Daftknee get into a cat fight)
(Cred writes into his notebook)
CRED (mouthing quietly)
Daftknee — purple underwear…
(Daftknee and Cher stop fighting for a second)
WHAT the HELL!?
(Daftknee gets slapped hard, and she starts fighting with Cher again)
(Meanwhile, the spit on Sunny’s grave starts glowing)
My God! You didn’t spit on a dead man’s grave, did you!?
So what if I did!?
(Sonny pops out of the grave)
Hey guys! I’m alive!
Bloody hell! A ZOMBIE!!
(Everyone screams then runs away. Cred drops his notebook, and Marmafluke happens to trip over it. Marmafluke grabs the notebook and runs away again)
Where’d everybody go? Hey, wait!
(Stupid music plays as Sonny is chasing everyone around, and somehow they’re in a place with millions of doors and are going in one and coming out the other over and over. A few times, two of them come out of different doors, etc etc)
(Daftknee and Marmafluke find a closet)
Daftknee! Look what I found!
(Daftknee takes the book from Marmafluke and opens it)
This is Cred’s! I wonder what he was writing in here…
(The notebook stated the following:)
10 inch-wide ass
Allows anal sex
Can have threesome w/Slaggy
Gives good BJs
British accent (hot!)
Extremely large dong
(Daftknee and Marmafluke look at each other after reading it)
Oh my God! That PERV!
He didn’t even get any of this information right!
I am TOTALLY into anal sex.
(Daftknee looks weird at Marmafluke)
Well, I can’t help it if I’m the object of everyone’s desire…
(Daftknee eyes Marmafluke’s pants)(Scene cuts to the castle with a million doors)
(Daftknee bursts out of a closet with a shotgun)
Cred! YOU’RE DEAD!
(Cred stops chasing Felma trying to grab her ass just as she runs into another door. He looks over to Daftknee)
Oh, shit. She found the notebook.
(Cred jumps into the air and runs away with Daftknee chasing after him)(Sonny and Cher have been making out the whole time. Not by normal kissing, but Eskimo kissing. Their noses are practically falling off)
I love — IN LOVE! — you.
(Then they both get shot from stray fire from Daftknee’s shotgun)
(Cred jumps on top of them and then jumps away, running again)
I’m going to the — AFTER LIFE!! — light!
Me too, again…
Man, you wankers sure are annoying.
Chilo: I like playing with myself, if you know what I mean ;P
Frantor: They were probably 25
Chilo: I’m talking about multiboxing!
Zanbon: yeah i know
Chilo: god z, what did you think I was talking about…
Zanbon: i know that NOW
davepoobond: i think we need more clarifications
davepoobond: how do you put your dick in multiple boxes?
Customer: “Workin hard or hardly workin?”
davepoobond: “Workin’ soft!”
::Awkward silence for a couple seconds::
davepoobond: “Didn’t expect that, huh?”
Customer: “I’m not even touchin that.”
– at davepoobond’s job