Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England. She was looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.
They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.
She says to them: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen.”
After they show her their ankles, the Queen says: “It is also important that you don’t have knobby knees, so I need to see your knees too.”
Once she has seen their knees, she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials.”
Nine years later, when the pair are finally released from prison, one of the blokes says to the other:
”I reckon, if we just had a bit more education we would have got that job!”
Q: If 40 bisexual blondes get into a bed who comes out first?
A: The blonde whip they were using.
Q: What has 47 teeth and holds a monster?
A: My pants’ zipper.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a bucket on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.
Q: What does Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: 40 year old meat in 10 year old buns.
Q: How many bugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two eggs in a pan, one egg turns to the other egg and says…
“Oh no! I see a crack!”
The other egg replies…
“No point telling me that I’m not hard yet!”
I cheated on my normal soap with a bar of Zest. I had to come clean.
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. “Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, “Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. “Here,” she said. “You must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?”
“Tarzan check for bees.”
While going through his wife’s dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
“Over the years, I haven’t been completely faithful to you.”
“When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion,” she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.
“I’m curious though,” he said, “Where did the thirty dollars come from?”
“Oh that, ” his wife replied, “Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!”
A man went over to his girl’s place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom — gold, silver, or bronze.
“Silver,” she said.
“Why not gold?”
“Because I want you to come second for once!”
In a second grade sex-ed class, a little girl raised her hand to ask a question…
Little girl: Teacher, can my mommy get pregnant?
Teacher: How old is she?
Little girl: Forty
Teacher: Yes, she can get pregnant.
Little girl: Teacher, can my big sister get pregnant?
Teacher: Well, how old is she?
Little girl: Nineteen.
Teacher: Yes, she certainly can get pregnant.
Little girl: Teacher, can I get pregnant?
Teacher: Umm…how old are you?
Little girl: Seven and two quarters
Teacher: No, you cannot get pregnant.
Little boy sitting behind Little girl (nudging her): See, I told you we had nothing to worry about. (He sticks out his tongue.)
A guy goes on vacation, and finds a rare an exotic porn shop. He goes in and asks the clerk if he has anything special that he could give to his wife.
The guys says that he has a “voodoo dick” which is a one of a kind dildo that fucks whatever you tell it to on demand. The buyer doesn’t believe him and asks for a demonstration. The clerk says, “voodoo dick the door” and the dildo immediately humps the door so vigorously that it falls down. The guy agrees to buy it for a tidy sum, and the clerk tells him to remember that the only way to get it to stop is to say “voodoo dick off.”
So the guy brings it home and his wife is thrilled. The next day while he’s at work, she quickly gets it out and says, “voodoo dick my pussy”. After an hour of this, she has to get ready for work, but she can’t remember how to turn it off, so she tries to drive to her husbands work with the voodoo dick in her.
Unfortunately, she can’t drive like this and swerves all over the road. Eventually, a cop pulls her over and asks what the problem is. She scream, “I can’t get this voodoo dick to stop humping me!”
And the police officer quickly responds, “voodoo dick my ass.”
REPORTER: “Do you pace up and down your office when you dictate?”
BOSS: “No, I can’t do that.”
REPORTER: “Oh, I see. Your secretary sits on your lap.”
Is my wife healthy? Well the answer is yes and no. Her heart is in bad shape from lack of exercise. And her tongue is in great shape from too much!