Inside an “abandoned” wherehouse music store, lurks the evil evil man, Mr. Dr. Evil, that is not from Austin Powers because this is an entirely different story as you will see.
Well, here came along Miss Poodle back from pooing off the Statue of LIberty. She said, “Well, I am relieved now and the statue has a lovely new brown coat!”
And then Mr. Dr. Evil (that’s his full name), he…exposed…how he loathed all fat women named Miss Poodle, when he exclaimed, “How I loathe you fat women, named Miss Poodle!”
Miss Poodle was flabbergasted and said, “I’m flabbergasted,” she also added, “I have gas and my armpits are sweaty.”
Mr. Dr. Evil said, “Get out of my house, for I too have gas and together, we….um….yeah”
Miss Poodle got very interested. She raised a finger and as she did, the excitement was too much for her and she farted.
THE END…
nope
Mr. Dr. Evil realized then that he hadn’t gotten new shoes from Payless, and he ran away from his lab rather quickly, but being careful to not step on Miss Poodle, because, along with her large…um…thing…she was very attractive in a very strange way.
After getting his Land Before Time shoes, he was happy.
After Mr. Dr. Evil and Miss Poodle had a brief love affair, Mr. Dr. Evil decided that she was too big to handle…har har…and he would, have to giver her his Terribly Bad Bad Bad Evil Dangerously Bad Untested Big Bad Bottled Potion.
Oh no! Miss Poodle turned into The Manicle! The super cool fat lady that’s not really a lady comma but a man, and…and…and Mr. Dr. Evil is gay.
The Manicle is a guy with a spike on his….a real one, that can retract just like Wolverine’s but its on his head, not his hands.
The Manicle killed Mr. Dr. Evil because he’s gay and he doesn’t like gay people.
This was written for class, and was supposed to mirror a main point from one of the parables of the horrible book, The Joy Luck Club.
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It was yesterday, when Alan was told that his parents were going to get a divorce. He didn’t understand what that meant at first, but his mom simply said to him, “You’ll never see your dad again.” Alan became confused, and wondered what he had done to make his dad not want to see him. Because he was so young, at the age of 8, he had no way to express his sadness to anyone except to cry himself to sleep.
Less than a week after his mother told him about the divorce, Alan and his mom moved across the country. As if his parent’s separation wasn’t hard enough, he had to cope with completely new surroundings. All that Alan wanted was to be alone, and to accept that his life would never be the same again. He thought constantly about how everything had changed: where his new home was, the friends he would never see again, and so much more. Soon enough, he began to blame all his sadness and anger on his father.
Alan was viewed by the other children at school as an outsider. He never talked to anyone, participated in class, or even did anything but drown in his misery during recess. His mind often wandered during class, thinking time and time again about the drastic changes in his life. He didn’t feel comfortable being anywhere, except in his own dream world, where his life was perfect again, before all the changes.
The image of his father, had warped into something evil. His father had become the devil he cursed everyday before bed. As the days turned into months, and the months into years, he came to the conclusion that he never really knew his father. This man who came home everyday late at night, and never spent any time with Alan, except a few hours, if that much, on the weekends. Alan often asked himself “Who was this man?” Alan didn’t even remember what his father liked to do in his spare time, or even if he liked to eat any of the foods Alan liked to eat. It was his mother who was the victim, and the man he didn’t even know was the person responsible for murdering who Alan would have been some day. He could have been a successful businessman, but instead he was a drunkard, at the age of 16. He often drank until he was sick. The funny thing about it was that there wasn’t any peer pressure involved. Alan never had any friends, and was consumed by his hatred and sadness, even after all the years that had passed.
Alan had distorted all the details of what the first 8 years of his life had actually been like. All the memories of playing catch with his father were gone. They were replaced with illusions of his father beating Alan with the baseball bat that was used for batting the balls. He also replaced all the memories of his father teaching Alan how to swim with his father trying to drown him in the bathtub. His father became the worst man ever to live in this world.
Alan never talked about any of these horrible thoughts with his mother. Alan’s twisted attitude towards life went mostly disregarded by his mother, because she thought he was just “going through a phase.” Not until Alan’s mother actually caught him with an empty bottle of vodka, did she have an epiphany that her son truly had serious problems. It was after this event that Alan’s mother confessed to him that it wasn’t true that his father did not want to see him all those years, but rather that she had not allowed his father to see Alan. It didn’t matter at that point though; the mental damage had already been done.
I went into the cheapest restaurant in town, El Cheapo’s Cheapo Cuisine because I was hungry. The air was stuffy, and had a combination of various smells which seemed to combine into a sharp smell that made my boogers shrivel back up into my sinuses.
I took a grilled cheese sandwich and put it on my tray. There was a theory that all the food in ECCC was actually all the leftover food from all the other restaurants in town, so you had to choose your food wisely. When I sat down, I ate the “grilled cheese sandwich,” gained super powers and flew off into the sunset.
Afterwards, the SWAT team raided the ECCC for selling food past their expiration date.
Moral: Don’t eat bad food, or you’ll get diabetes or super powers.
I wrote this for English in my senior year of high school in 2004.
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A man with a briefcase walks out onto the sidewalk. In the country Yahoo 57, one of many owned by the corporation Yahoo, the sidewalks moved you along to your destination. The year was 2082, and the man had a calm look on his face. Thirty seconds after getting on the sidewalk, squares formed into a disconnected globe around the top half of the man’s body.
The squares were green, until images started appearing inside the squares. The images started advertising different products that were being sold. The products advertised ranged from hair products to exercise weights. Each commercial didn’t last for more than 5 seconds before another took its place.
As he was transported along the sidewalk, other people on the sides of the road were surrounded by similar green globes, even a baby in its carriage. About 10 minutes later, the man stepped off the sidewalk. After finishing their last messages, the green squares disappeared. On his way into the Yahoo 57 Capital Building, the man had already decided how he would use his next paycheck.
This is the Wally 2 story for Dave’s Profantiy Patch.
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Welcome to Wally 2: Wallys Orgy. Wally will go through levels and after you complete them, Wally will have orgies with other hot Wallow bitches.
Fuck you. Go and get the fucking balloons you fucking cunt. You cant get to the bonus orgy if you dont. You mother-fucking twelve year old. FUCKKKKK YOOOOOUUUUUU! You think youre almost done? HA! NO YOURE NOT YOU FAT BITCH. GO FUCK A CAMEL. Go suck on a gorilla moms tit.
I fucked your mom. So, I was sitting down writing this, and I thought of how much of a sloppy cunt bitch you are. Then I threw up. Fuck yoooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuu!!!! Don’t be gay.
You suck. I dont know what you look like, but please insert a racist joke here. Do you have eyebrow dandruff? I bet you do. Thats fucking sick.
Having fun? Well Im not. I have to write 40 fucking level descriptions. Oh no, Wally has to uhh… do some stuff again… fuck off you game maker nerd.
Hey. Im sorry for all the things I said. Actually, Im not. Ahahahaha! Seriously. I really am serious this time, Im sorry. So all you little nerds playing this game getting help from your mommies, its ok if youre a fucking dipshit.
This is becoming a challenge to write these. Fuck yooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuu! Congratualations. Go to Squackle, asshole. I’m going to gut you like a fish.
Have you ever eaten an eyeball? Level 20. I love you. ;.!,:=-+_ Thats punctuation for fuck you. Yay…………………………………………… You made it………………………………
……………………………. ……………………………. …………………………….
One day, Wally was going through the woods, when he saw a big tree shaped like a penis. Wow, Wally said. Thats a tree that looks like a weiner!
Just then, a Wallow Bitch named Sandra took out the lube and started fucking the penis tree. Oh yes, oh yes! Sandra the Wallow Bitch said. She was having multiple orgasms every second.
Hey! Wally said. He’d be damned if a fucking tree that was shaped like a penis would steal his Wallow Bitch. Wally took out his huge ball sack from his pants and swung them at the tree. Unfortunately for Wally, there were spines on the tree.
Oh my fucking God! Wally screamed in pain. How would you feel if you just swung your nut sack into a tree that had 3 inch spines sticking out of it? As Wally lay bleeding on the ground, Sandra was starting to make a waterfall on the tree. The tree seemed to get bigger.
Wally felt like he was going to die. He had like 20 spines sticking out of his nut sack. What could Wally do? Nothing, that’s what. He started to cry, like a BITCH. Kind of like you. Well, Sandra got eaten by the penis tree. Oh fucking well.
As for Wally, he didn’t die. He’s actually going to jump around and get some balloons right now! Aren’t you tired yet, fucker?
You suck. I hate you. I want you to DIE! LAST LEVEL, YOU WHORE.
GOOD JOB, JACKASS! You made it to the bonus level! How fucking long did that take you?
One day a person named Ed was serving someone at Good Burger. The customer said, “I’d like to have a Good Shake please.” Ed said, “OK” then Ed shook him. The customer said, ” What are you doing? I’m going to Mondo Burger.” Then 2 aliens with 3 hands each came in. Ed said, “Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?” One alien said, “We want your planet……how much is it?” Ed says, “One Good Earth. That’ll be 8 bucks.” The alien said, “Thank you for selling your world for 8 bucks. We’ll send you to anytime in the past.” Ed said, “Cool” then he started shaking their hands in the middle of their stomachs and accidentally ripped them out. The alien said, “You have pulled out our hands from our stomachs!” Ed said, “Uh no.” “We will transport you to the midevil times now.” Then there was a circle over Ed. The circle sucked him up.
Meanwhile in the midevil times the evil God was about to kill the king. Then out of nowhere Ed fell on top of the evil God who died because the sword went through his head. Then Ed said, “Uh no.” The king said, “Thank you. You have saved me. I will grant you anything you want.” Ed said, “I want 8 bucks.” The king gave him 8 bucks and they lived happily ever after after Ed killed the king accidentally.
Most of this was taken from a Johnny Bravo episode, cause I was stupid in 6th grade and thought it was so funny that I should recreate it in word form, in a less funny fashion…yeah…but the other half I made up…Remember, I made this in 1998, when I was in 6th grade…
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One day a shark was hungry, so he went on the beach and asked a mouthful…I mean a lot of people if they wanted to go swimming so he can eat them. But they said, “No way man!! You’re a shark!!” The shark thought, “Hmmmm, I gotta try a new approach.” So he put on a Richard Nixon mask that was big enough to cover someone’s face, but only covered the tip of his nose Then he went to another guy that just got slapped by his girlfriend. Let’s make that X-girlfriend.
The shark said,” Hey!!! Wanna go swimmin’?” Then the guy said,” Hey aren’t you a shark?” The shark said,” Um… no!! I’m Richard Nixon!!!” The guy said, “There are a bunch of teeny weeny bikini girls out there!! Why would I want to go swimming.” Then the shark said, “Well……” Then the guy said, “NO!!!” After that the shark went home disappointed. The foundation of his house was cracked. When he lounged on the floor it cracked some more and made a loud resounding noise through the house. Then he heard all the trout moving downstream in the river next door to his house. The surrounding noise that was resounding his house went over and over and over. The next morning the shark died of boredom and hunger. His house also fell on top of him.
The story you have just read is true. The names and places have been changed to protect the innocent.
The first time I saw the lady, I knew my life was over. But why start the story at the end? Let’s start from the beginning…
It was Saint Patrick’s Day, and everyone was drunk. That’s when I was made. Ain’t it grand? Anyway, I got born. Momma said I’d be a good janitor. Dadda said that I’d make a good towel rack. So I did what I thought I should do for a career. Be a janitor. Momma always liked it when I helped her work at home. She was a homework maker. The type of person that makes homework worksheets for schools and lazy teachers to use when they didn’t want to make their own.
Annnnnyyywayyy….my parents named me when I was old enough to go to college, even though I would never go to college. They named me after their favorite restaurant. Burger King. Burger King was a strong, forceful name, Dadda said. Dadda never married Momma. That meant Dadda could go out and hump the grass whenever he wanted. Dadda and Momma wanted to get married, but unfortunately, they were waiting for me to make income before they could use my money to get married, and give 5 dollars to all the dancers that would come. They were planning a grand marriage. One that would never come, because a freak accident happened to them. An invisible man came over and chopped their heads off, while they were getting stoned.
Poor unfortunate parents…
ANYWAY. I got hired at a school, and was treated with respect, people were so nice to me, saying hi to me then walking away laughing. I’m glad I made them happy. I think it was my smell that did it.
One day, I heard a rumor from one of the loser kids I became friends with, and sometimes buy alcohol for so he can give to other people, that a teacher was all high on heroin, and was raped 56 times up the ass. Of course it was a rumor, it wasn’t true…
Or was it?
I will never forget that day…February 31, 2009. You may say “hey wait a minute, February doesn’t have 31 days!” Well, I say to you “WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!” In the year 2009, the inhabitants of Bahrain got pissed off that February only had 28 days, and 29 days for some years, that they made a proposition at the United Nations to change that. Europe was in an outrage, and so was the Americas. But, China and India got behind Bahrain. The world made war on itself over the issue. Eventually a smart man said, “lets jus thave 31 days in February.” And everyone said, “ok” and stopped fighting. Treaties were signed, movies were made, history book writers were bored, and everyone went back to their boring old jobs.
Besides the fact that only a puppy lost his life from natural causes during the war, it was about time that…um…whatever…
Anyway, that teacher I told you about? 9 months after I heard that rumor, I saw her wobbling down the hallway, all fat and shit, and she shoulda been teaching her damn fangled Social Studies class. That bitch. She was screaming something about her water breaking to me, but I looked at the drinking fountain and it looked fine to me. Then she shook me by the collar screaming, “take me to the hospital, you assholeeeeee!!!”
I never been to a hospital, so I grabbed her, and got into my janitor car thingy, and shoved her in it too, driving down the main road in town, hoping to find the thing she was talking about.
I saw a big blue sign. Momma said that hospitals have big blue signs so I assumed it was the hospital, so I drove through the windows but when I crashed through it, everyone was sitting down at tables…eating pancakes…since when did hospitals have pancakes? But…I was wrong. Dead wrong.
The teacher was pissing all over the place, tossing baby poop, baby pee and babies all around the place,and people got pissed off and threw up, and tossed their pancakes at the waiters. Of course the waiters were getting mad, so the waiters charged the customers more money. We were smack dab in the middle of an IHOP. Don’t blame me, I’m just a janitor…
Hello, my name is Arby. Yes, I know everyone in the whole world hates my restaurant and its food, and wish that I go away forever, but I won’t. Not yet anyway…I have to tell you my story first!
It all started one day. One day…yes…one day…one day. One day I was visiting my Aunt Arby. Arby is my family’s last name, y’know. Anyway, I was visiting my Aunt Arby, and she made a burger one day. Or so I thought it was a burger…it was actually a piece of crap that consisted of slices of beef that were sliced the same as packaged ham slices. A stack of the beef slices in between 2 pieces of bread. That was the start of the Arby burger. So, I enslaved my aunt to make the Arby Burger 24/7 for the rest of her worthless life. The burgers were cheap to make, and my aunt worked for free.
Soon, I enslaved the rest of my living family. They all worked in the same room. In my bedroom closet. The closet was 45 inches by 2 inches, of course it wasn’t very good, and there was disease, germs, sweat, and such floating around. Well, it wasn’t very good for them, but it was great for me! It cost me 45 cents to make 346 Arby Burgers. And I sold them to unsuspecting neighbors and children for 8 dollars. Soon, I got some advice from a friendly man passing by. He told me that I should make a chain of Arby Burger fast food restaurants and beat the crap outta McDonalds, and Burger King and such. So I did and I personally went over to the CEO’s of McDonalds, Burger King, and such, and beat the crap outta them. It was my first advertising campaign. My first TV coverage for my restaurant was on America’s Most Wanted, where I was nicknamed the Fast Food CEO Crap Beater Outter.
I was sent into prison, when they finally caught me hiding behind a trash can. In prison, I made many friends, and hired some managers. The people I made as managers were Reverse the Molestor, Dust Cloud the Rabid Tick, Mo the Tigress, and Flasher n’ Dasher. They were the “muscle” of Arby. We planned how to make Arby Burgers into an empire, and made business decisions that would be vital to our main cash flow. Once I got out, I put the plans into action, and got enough money to get all of my committee out of jail on bail. We bought ourselves 56 more stores across the city of Mlah, Canada, dressing ourselves in snazzy suits, and over inflated priced watches, earrings, nose rings, and tit rings. We started plans on inventing new types of Arby Burgers, then we came to a surprising conclusion. We needed employees, and since most people would have to be paid, our expansion plans and our advertising for all around the North American continent, were slowed down. My family worked until they died, not being paid a cent. I will never forget my family. Wait…who was I talking about?
Slowly and steadily, our crappy burgers became served in low-rate schools once a week, earning us billions and billions of dollars. Soon enough, we had enough money to buy chairs in the restaurants…!
As time goes on, the legacy of Arby Burger will live on forever.
Or so we thought.
That’s when the last relative of my family came in with a machine gun, gunning down everyone eating at Arby Burger’s main restaurant. He escaped my enslaving of my family, I suppose, so he came to get revenge on me by killing my committee, and putting me in the hospital, where I later died, not from a gunshot wound, but from the diseases passed on through my Arby Burgers. The remaining Arby, is the one that made our logo be a Cowboy hat that said Arby on it, and all was forgotten of Arby’s past…including me…
This entry is part 1 of 5 in the series Dave's Notes
This is a story I read a long time ago, and it is mad stupid. I don’t remember the details, but they really aren’t important….trust me. This is my retelling of that old story.
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Hannah is this stupid girl that is sitting in her class one day. She always wanted to clap the erasers when they were dirty, but the teacher never called on her to do it, always someone else in class, especially the same person over and over. One day, the teacher taught them a new grammar thingy called a “palindrome.” The teacher pointed out Hannah and said, “Hannah is a palindrome, but I won’t tell you what a palindrome is until after recess, because I’m a bitch. So figure it out.”
Hannah didn’t like the fact the teacher pointed her out, and out on the playground, all the kids teased her, chanting, “Hannah is a palindrome, Hannah is a palindrome.” Hannah didn’t know what to say, because she didn’t know what a palindrome was. She got mad at the teacher for calling her a palindrome. How could she do such a thing? She never even let Hannah clap the chalkboard erasers, for crying out loud! WHAT A STUPID BITCH! SHE SHOULD BE SHOT! GOD DAMMIT!
After recess, all the way back to the room, the kids teased her, still chanting. When they got back in the room, the teacher explained what a palindrome was. It was a word that could be spelled backwards the same way forwards. The teacher told the kids they shouldn’t have teased Hannah for having a name that could be spelled backwards the same as forwards. Now the kids all felt like dumbasses. Then the teacher showed it to them on the board, doing it regularly, and backwards, erased it, then asked Hannah to clap the erasers by the window. Hannah did, and she enjoyed it.
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good job, Hannah, I hope you enjoyed clapping those erasers and smelled that chalk dust. I hope you had fun, too, ya loser!
I’m a chromosome. I’m colored blue. I give the characteristic “eating glue.” I was separated from my sister at birth, and I will never see her again. We separated during Mitosis. We were replicated from the same chromosome long before anyone could remember, and when we were born off each other, we were pulled apart by spindles, the walls closing in between us.
After the separation, the room I was in, grew bigger and bigger, more and more little things flying around, called DNA replicated as well. They were going all around, and eventually, I grew another sister chromatin. Would I be separated from another sister of mine? Yeah…
After a short rest, the other chromosomes and I were tossed toward the middle of the room, me and my new sister that grew on me were separated, and the room got bigger and bigger, pulling us away from each other again.
“Would I be stuck in this never-ending chain of events?” I asked myself. That’s when the end came, and I DIED
Yes, Poopoo is my name…Municipal Poopoo. My mom abandoned me when I was just a turd. I never saw my dad, but I blame him for flushing me down the toilet.
I’m a detective. My house, my office, is a sespool. I get new cases everytime, y’see, when “they” flush them down, down into my office.
The bacteria in the sespool are my security system. When a bad turd comes around, they eat’m up right away.
But when there is a turd with a good case, I take it up personally. Like once when this old geezer came along and said, “Yo llevo un el gato en mi pantalones” I knew who he was. He was the old Spanish turd from a Spanish guy pooping on “their” toilet.
He said, “I need you to find out who pooped me out.” So, I helped the old 15 year-old geezer, by scraping the old poo-skin-layer off of him, he then tossed his cane and ran around the sespool, screaming, “I’m reborn!” …Then he broke in half and died. It was a grousome sight.
I wanted to know what happened to the old geezer, after, all I did have to scrape his hairy poo-skin off…
I went down to the bar, and asked around if anybody knew him. One guy did. It was the bartender. He said he’d talk, only if I got a pee from the Septic Tank, so I gave him 15 poo-coins and he gave me a jug of pee. It had a nice smell, and it had a layer of foam on it, a true sign it came straight from the septic tank.
“Well, you gonna tell me anything?” I said after a sip of pee. The bartender rolled around to me and said, “sure. the old geezer just drank some pee and said he was going to revitalize his body and take a poo-bath.” “hmm…” I thought to myself, “That old geezer should have lived another 5 years…”
It was then, I remembered seeing a sparkle as the old geezar split in half. Then it came to me. He was assassinated! I recognized the sparkle as a shiny tooth. The assassin must have been cleaning it for weeks!
I looked around, looking for any suspicious looking Poos around. That’s when I saw a guy with a tooth-machete. It glimmered in the light. Just as I made my move, he sliced another piece of poo while he was running away from me. Poor soul.
Once he got out of the bar, I shot him 5 times with my Poo-ray gun. Then he was eaten by the bacteria.
Well, that was the best adventure I ever had. All in a days work, of course.
Yay! Fifi is finally out of high school…whoopee…time to go to that college, Fifi. You wanted to go so badly. What was it again? Oh yeah, SUK. Squackle University for Kids. And the bad thing about it is, the college starts tomorrow. No summer vacation. Yay. Time to hop on that train and go down to New Mexico. Fifi hasn’t even seen the university yet. All of Fifi’s friends said she shouldn’t go to SUK. They said that there was a lot of weird stuff going on near that university that it would be hazardous for you health. “We’ll just see,” said Fifi as she got onto the train in her tutu and two suitcases…
* * *
Just as Fifi stepped off the train, a bunch of clowns came by and picked her up, leaving her suitcases for the myriad squirrels trailing behind them to pick them up. The clowns ran for about fifteen miles before they stopped at an old secluded warehouse.
“Hey! Is this SUK?” Fifi exclaimed. At this comment the six clowns got into a huddle and started talking.
“SUK? What is that?”
“It’s a university not far from here”
“Why is our smuggler trying to get to SUK?”
“Smuggler?”
“Yeah the smuggler that was smuggling in some beans. He said he would be wearing a tutu and would have two suitcases that said, “I am going to SUK, I am going to SUK!”
“Hmm…i have a feeling this isnt the right person. Let’s just wait for the squirrels to come with the suitcases, then we’ll see.”
One clown called Big Nose went up to Fifi and said, “Why, hello there little girl…there is a thingy that every freshmen at our fine university has to do before…we allow them to use our facilities freely…” Big Nose turned around and winked at the other 5 clowns. The other five clowns winked back and gave a thumbs up sign.
A clown named Red Nose gave Big Nose a rope and Big Nose tied up Fifi, very tightly with it. Fifi then shouted, “HEY! What’s this got to do with learning? Is this rope tying class?”
At this comment, Big Nose was stunned, so he replied with, “Uh…you want to…learn?”
Fifi said, “Yeah…that’s what a university is all about.”
“Riiiigghhtt…” said Big Nose. The squirrels came inside the warehouse chittering and chattering, and when the Master Squirrel talked with his little squirrely voice, he said, “Why do you guys have to have a warehouse all the way out here?”
Fifi finally realized that this was a warehouse, and not the University she had wanted to go to. Fifi screamed. She screamed so loud that the nose on Red Nose came off and bounced across the room. “This isn’t SUK!!!!” Fifi screeched.
“No, it isn’t, whiny little girly tutu face person.” Shiny Nose said.
What will Fifi do? Will Fifi find a way to break out of the warehouse and go to SUK? Well…to make a long story short, she did.
In a pile, the six clowns were in a pile and the squirrels were hanging off the walls and ceilings of the warehouse, taped onto them. “Now, its time to go to SUK!” Fifi said proudly.
When Fifi got to the University she saw a bunch of ducks quacking and waddling around a big campus to the ducks, but not at all big for Fifi.
Fifi then said, “Hey! This isn’t a university!”
Just then, a duck wearing glasses and a book in its wing, he said, “Oh, of course not little tutu brain. This is a university for ducks only, not for humans. You better go back home before some clowns and squirrels kidnap you and tie you in ropes and do nothing afterward. A lot of stuff happens around here.”
“What else happens around here, Mr. Quack?” Fifi replied.
“Oh, you know, the usual thing. Moose overcharging you for their taxi service, mice crawling over your house and leaving their footprints on it, crows using anything and everything for target practice, which is very lethal for some species. Anyway, you should go…so GO!”
Mr. Quack took out something that looked like a remote control and zapped Fifi with it. After about 10 minutes of being shocked by 600 killowatts of electricity by the remote control, she disappeared and was back at home on her bed with her suitcases on her legs. In the next room, she heard her parents barking.
Fifi didn’t pay attention to it, and just went to sleep.
The moral of the story is to visit the college you are going to before you actually go to it for reals, not for fakes, dress appropriately, stay away from clowns being trailed by lots of squirrels, stay away from warehouses in the middle of nowhere, don’t go to universities with a duck named Mr. Quack that has glasses on.
You also know what your parents do when you are gone to college…
Sweat trickling down the side of his face, down his cheek and onto the side of his gun, Percy the Sniper’s hands were trembling as he pulled a black sweater mask thingy over his face as he took the gun out of its colorful case. “Stupid plastic binding thingys…” he muttered. You could hear his breathing through his ears, as his eyes narrowed and he pumped the gun 50 times, watching the gauge slowly climb.
“My efforts are worthless, now…” Percy the Sniper commented, with a very nervous feeling as he slung a 60 gallon tank over his back, almost dropping it because of the immense weight, filled with the stuff he would need to complete the mission.
All Percy the Sniper had was his gun, the 60 gallon tank and a can of beans, but something he didn’t know about the beans, was that they were alien beans, the one that makes you burp through your ears! But that’s enough about that…that’s a different story…
Percy the Sniper bent down and sat on the beans, and started to tremble uncontrollably as he swallowed the beans, through the out-door. What can I say? He’s a “special” child…
A cold shock hit Percy as he found out it was time to go forth with his mission. Looking through the poorly cut holes of his mask thingy, he saw there was a man tap-dancing on his forehead!!
This was a very odd sight indeed, and his mentor had told him, “One who will fail in his mission and stumble into a hill of beans, would see a figment of a man tap-dancing on his forehead, like straight out of Riverdance!”
Walking, very cautiously, around the urban scenery of the forest, he saw a hill of beans! That did it for Percy. He lowered his gun a few inches, just staring at the beans and remembering what people had told him about the mystical hill of beans…
“You’re going to faiiiiiil! If you see a hill of beans!” “If you see a hill of beans, call me over!” “Hill of beans….hmm…..nope! not real!” the voices kept echoing and memories flashed before his eyes, Percy opened his mouth out of fright.
While in the middle of another memory, Percy heard a crack and a rustle from a tree to the right, and right there, in purple clothes in a branch, was Herbert, the circus elephant!!
Just as Percy was about to run away, a large stream of water came down at him and hit his pants! “Oh boy, this is gonna be hard to explain to the guys at the party…” Percy thought, as he returned fire with an even larger stream of water, from the 3 nozzle Super Soaker, right back at the purple elephant.
The elephant lost his balance as the water struck him in the eye and fell down into the hill of beans, splattering everything around it, with the sick, syrupy, brown, stew thingy that usually comes with beans. Percy didn’t care anymore, he just kept pumping and shooting the water at anything that moved. Chester the Lion, Moo Moo the Cow, Bow Wow the Gorilla, and Suzy the Trapeze Tortoise, all fell to the water that had been barraged at them from the agitated one.
Suddenly, there was a flash of light! Someone took his picture? NO! It was the Aliens! THEY CAME BACK FOR HIM! “NOOOOOOO!!!” Percy screeched in a disturbing tone, as he dropped his water gun and fell to his knees shivering violently, gripping the sides of his head, as if his head was going to blow up.
All was white…so quiet…so bright…what a great rhyme…though its not that great…then, came into focus, was not trees, but a very bright light set straight at his eyes. A faint whisper had been noticed by his keen hearing, “Mr. Percy? Are you awake?” “No…” Percy replied, “I have my eyes open because I’m dead!” Percy had said in a very violent sarcastic remark.
Percy sat up, and looked around at where he was. “Actually, you are!” the whisper had said in a melodic tone. “WHAT?” Percy shrieked in a trembling voice. “What do you mean?”
Across the room, Percy saw 3 figures, covered in shadow. “Who….who are you?” Percy could barely get the words out, as he swallowed. “Why, we’re the Committee of Weird People You Thought Were Dead But Aren’t, but you should know that already!”
One of the shadows came over and turned off the light shining in his face, and in an instant he immediately recognized the 3 figures. From left to right, there was Kurt Kobain, Bob the Giant Squirrel, and Elvis Presley!
“AH!” Percy shrieked as he fell off the table backwards. Percy stood up and hid behind the table he was lying on before, and found that there were lots of chips, pork rinds, and old pizza.
Elvis scratched his hair, and said, “Yo, Percy, what’s wrong? I think that you need to lighten up on that old chocolate pizza we got in the freezer…” Elvis waved a finger at Percy, shaking his head.
“Sunburn…..freezer burn…..” Kurt Cobain randomly said. Bob the Giant Squirrel adjusted in his seat and said, “Kurt! You’re not in Nirvana anymore! You died….but you really didn’t! Remember!??”
Kurt nodded a little bit, “What? Oh…..yeah….sorry….” Percy had an astonished look on his face as he just screamed and slammed against a wall, to find that it was padded. “WHY ARE THERE PADDED WALLS HERE?!” Percy screamed. Elvis shrugged, and said “Well, that’s for Rumpus Time…don’t tell me your forgot THAT too!”
“I gotta get outta here…” Percy thought with a shaking fist, and he grew weak, and slumped down on the floor, and sort of bounced, because of the padding. “The padding…is so plush…” Percy thought as he passed out, thwarted.
“Oh boy oh boy!” Percy was excited. Today he would be deemed Burger Castle’s Mascot of the month! He glued a wood block to each bare foot and clomped out the door. Since he was payed less than minimum wage, he couldn’t afford shoes. Or a house for that matter. He just lived by a trash can in an alley way near a place called Elm Street.
It wasn’t the award he was excited about. He’s seen it before. You can’t pawn it off for more than 20 cents. But the big thing was the 300% raise you get when you become mascot of the month. That was an increase of 5 dollars! Almost 5 anyway…but that’s not the point. With that kind of money, he could rent some space in a sewer out, without a bathroom.
But that’s besides the point. He knew he had been doing a good job. He did have a Masters Degree in being a mascot. All those ballet classes take a lot out of you…
He hid behind a parked car waiting to find a car he could ride on to Burger Castle. It was pretty hard since it was New York, and pretty much everyone that saw him on their car, punched him off and drove off.
Just then, a blue Cadillac appeared and Percy jumped on top of it. He almost slipped off but grabbed onto the bumper. Luckily the trunk was open, so he got in.
When he saw he was near Burger Castle through the keyhole, he jumped out of the car. Luckily, they weren’t on the freeway, like a few times before.
He clomped down Castle Street toward Burger Castle. When he got there, a baseball hit him in the head. That wasn’t enough to knock down the month’s best mascot! But 253 other baseballs shot at the same time, was. It was a trap! I knew it all the time, of course.
Percy went into a dream…and it was something like this:
“All ABOARD!” said the post office man as he got onto a giant giraffe. “oh no! I’m gonna miss my plane!” said Percy. Percy had a very important meeting with the Scottish Windbag Company about the next shipment of kazoos.
Kazoos were vital to people with the rare disease, “Iwantakazoonowium.” Kazoos were made in China then sent to Denmark for testing and then sent to Scotland. Really nice kazoos came from Japan. Those were sparkly.
Percy hopped onto the girraffe after giving the post man a paper towel, which was the ticket, that had: I am a very important antelope” written on it.
After a couple minutes, the giraffe lifted off the ground and flew into the sky. They kept climbing until they got to Scotland. In this world, Scotland was 500 miles off the ground, floating in the air.
The highest country in the world is Jamaica, since everyone smokes pot there, but that’s besides the point…
When he got off the giraffe, he saluted to the post office man and called for a taxi. Taxies in Scotland are actually anteaters, they clean the streets. Percy hopped on one of them and trudged down to the Scotland Windbag Company’s main building.
They made all type of things at the Scotland Windbag Company, but their most popular products were Whuppi Cushions, kazoos, and Wind Chimes that burp.
When he got off the anteater, he ran down to the building and rang the doorbell. “Who is it!??” the intercom said. “Its me! Percy, from the United Iwantakazoonowium getter-ridders!” The intercom replied, “Oi! We’ve been expectin’ ya, laddy, come right een!” The door opened, but instead of walking into a floor, he slid down on a big slide into a dungeon!
It was a trap! But I knew it all along, of course, of course. “NOOOOOOO” Percy yelled. Percy yelled and yelled and yelled until his lungs blew up! Not because of the fact that he was in a dungeon, but because of the fact theres a big fat guy in leather and a mask on his head, with a whip, walking around a guy that was tied up with nothing but one leather strap! All of a sudden he felt a slap across his face, and he woke up from his terrible nightmare.
You may think Percy was all good now, but you shoulda seen the first person he saw when he looked up! It was Joan Rivers! THAT HORRIBLE BITCH! That did it for Percy, he got knocked out again…
