The Autobiography of Arby, the Crappy Fast Food Restaurant Owner

Hello, my name is Arby. Yes, I know everyone in the whole world hates my restaurant and its food, and wish that I go away forever, but I won’t. Not yet anyway…I have to tell you my story first!

It all started one day. One day…yes…one day…one day. One day I was visiting my Aunt Arby. Arby is my family’s last name, y’know. Anyway, I was visiting my Aunt Arby, and she made a burger one day. Or so I thought it was a burger…it was actually a piece of crap that consisted of slices of beef that were sliced the same as packaged ham slices. A stack of the beef slices in between 2 pieces of bread. That was the start of the Arby burger. So, I enslaved my aunt to make the Arby Burger 24/7 for the rest of her worthless life. The burgers were cheap to make, and my aunt worked for free.

Soon, I enslaved the rest of my living family. They all worked in the same room. In my bedroom closet. The closet was 45 inches by 2 inches, of course it wasn’t very good, and there was disease, germs, sweat, and such floating around. Well, it wasn’t very good for them, but it was great for me! It cost me 45 cents to make 346 Arby Burgers. And I sold them to unsuspecting neighbors and children for 8 dollars. Soon, I got some advice from a friendly man passing by. He told me that I should make a chain of Arby Burger fast food restaurants and beat the crap outta McDonalds, and Burger King and such. So I did and I personally went over to the CEO’s of McDonalds, Burger King, and such, and beat the crap outta them. It was my first advertising campaign. My first TV coverage for my restaurant was on America’s Most Wanted, where I was nicknamed the Fast Food CEO Crap Beater Outter.

I was sent into prison, when they finally caught me hiding behind a trash can. In prison, I made many friends, and hired some managers. The people I made as managers were Reverse the Molestor, Dust Cloud the Rabid Tick, Mo the Tigress, and Flasher n’ Dasher. They were the “muscle” of Arby. We planned how to make Arby Burgers into an empire, and made business decisions that would be vital to our main cash flow. Once I got out, I put the plans into action, and got enough money to get all of my committee out of jail on bail. We bought ourselves 56 more stores across the city of Mlah, Canada, dressing ourselves in snazzy suits, and over inflated priced watches, earrings, nose rings, and tit rings. We started plans on inventing new types of Arby Burgers, then we came to a surprising conclusion. We needed employees, and since most people would have to be paid, our expansion plans and our advertising for all around the North American continent, were slowed down. My family worked until they died, not being paid a cent. I will never forget my family. Wait…who was I talking about?

Slowly and steadily, our crappy burgers became served in low-rate schools once a week, earning us billions and billions of dollars. Soon enough, we had enough money to buy chairs in the restaurants…!

As time goes on, the legacy of Arby Burger will live on forever.

Or so we thought.

That’s when the last relative of my family came in with a machine gun, gunning down everyone eating at Arby Burger’s main restaurant. He escaped my enslaving of my family, I suppose, so he came to get revenge on me by killing my committee, and putting me in the hospital, where I later died, not from a gunshot wound, but from the diseases passed on through my Arby Burgers. The remaining Arby, is the one that made our logo be a Cowboy hat that said Arby on it, and all was forgotten of Arby’s past…including me…


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