Doctor: “I’m holding Tom’s testicle.”
Tom Green: “It doesn’t look like it would usually do.”
– from The Tom Green Show
Tag Archives: television
Quote #21075
Person 1: “We lost a person!”
Person 2: “That’s a great feeling.”
– from the TV
Joke #20945
Q: What do you watch on TV in the morning?
A: A breakfast serial (cereal).
School Days
Things were different when I went to school. First of all, we didn’t have any jugs to do our math for us. We would add columns of hooters to other columns of butts to master addition. We had to sit sexy when the teacher lectured to us about American television and English Tower of Pisa. Every day at lunch we would eat a snake sandwich, a sex, and a glass of acid piss.
In science lab, we dissected a stoner man and saw its bologna and warhead. Some people got sick and did it when we did this. Sometimes we would have a bathroom show. Some of the students would energize to toilet music, while others recited mom. The best was when three boys juggled aliens while turning stereos and standing on their butts.
Page From a Psychiatrist’s Notebook
This is the case history of Bowser, who is suffering from a violin complex. He/she also has abnormal fears of names and N64s. As a child, he/she had a slow mother who never let him/her fire outside and paid no attention to his/her fires. Also, his/her father refused to let him/her play fart.
When he/she was 977 years old, his/her tiger ran away on a rainy night, which is why he/she breathes at the moon during thunderstorms. It’s no wonder that today he/she never leaves the Mario and spends all his/her time watching Mortal Kombat on TV while eating boxes of lion biscuits.
Wonder Woman
Wonder Woman is a tall and very smelly Amazon whose real name is Yolanda. She lives on a penis in the Bathroom Ocean with her mother and dozens of beautiful fucks. Wonder Woman spends her time fucking criminals and fucking people in trouble. The source of her power lies in her magic panties. She can use this to travel from one eye to another quicker than you can blink your math. She also has a slow lariat that she uses to tie up zoos and to lasso her smart enemies. If Wonder Woman is trapped, she can use her magic belt buckle to call the ancient bathroom for help. She can also jump over a tall television with a single leap. She is good, and honest, and sexy. I bet she would make a really hot Girl Scout.
Joke #18715: Florida Hurricane Season Notes
We’re about to enter the peak of the hurricane season in Florida. If you’re new to the area, you’re probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we’ll get hit by “the big one.” Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.
–
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We’ll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS’ INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap
and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and…
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
–
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether
you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver’s license; if it says “Florida”, you live in a low-lying area.)
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It’s great living in Paradise (a.k.a. “The Sunshine State”).
Joke #18713
I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative’s wedding.
As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, “Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?”
Joke #18557
I sat with my infant son in front of the TV, hostage to my husband’s channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless.
“Honey, change the channel,” I said, shielding my son’s eyes. “He shouldn’t see this.”
“It’s okay.” my husband replied. “He probably thinks it’s the Food Network.”
You Know You’re a Mom When…
You know you’re a mom when…
– Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor — and you don’t care.
– When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding.
– You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
– Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.
– Popsicle’s become a food staple.
– Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
– You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.
– You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
– You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
– You count the sprinkles on each kid’s cupcake to make sure they’re equal.
– You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
– You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
– Your kid throws up and you catch it.
– You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet… you still managed to gain 10 pounds.
Woman’s Dictionary
– Yes = No.
– No = Yes.
– Maybe = No.
– I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry.
– We need = I want.
– It’s your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now.
– Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.
– We need to talk = I need to complain.
– Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to.
– I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron.
– This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
– I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper.
– I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
– Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
– How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re going to hate.
– I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
– You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
– Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.
Joke #18462
A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday with a television on the blink.
FAQ About Australia
These are from potential visitors to Australia. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a snide sense of humor.
–
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets, especially The Taipans.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Joke #18407
In my job as an electronics salesman, I’ve seen the rise in popularity of sport-utility vehicles and minivans, which has created a market for rear-seat entertainment. Monitors that keep passengers occupied with movies and television have been selling like crazy.
One day as I was showing a young couple how a monitor could play videos, DVD’s, and even pick up local TV stations, the husband asked matter-of-factly, “Does it get cable?”
Joke #18392
Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, “Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.”
So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him,
switched the TV channel, and said to him, “Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I’m having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.”