Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators.
They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you’re at a big, high-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.
– Yes = No.
– No = Yes.
– Maybe = No.
– I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry.
– We need = I want.
– It’s your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now.
– Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.
– We need to talk = I need to complain.
– Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to.
– I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron.
– This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
– I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper.
– I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
– Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
– How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re going to hate.
– I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
– You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
– Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.
Q: Which pets are always found lying around the house?
A: Carpets!
“You came right back up, I’m gonna have to put spots on the carpet”
– Mrs. Stickums
“Give the carpet a midnight snack”
– from the Radio
I’m so clumsy that when I mix cocktails at a party, the drinks aren’t on the house — they’re on the carpet!
Q: What pet is found in most flying saucers?
A: A car-pet.
—
Another variation of this joke:
Q: What pet is found in most cars?
A: A car-pet.
The Video Professor: Hello, The Video Professor back again from the hospital
(The Video Professor waves a bandaged hand)
The Video Professor: last time, I was burned silly on the front side of my body with Radiator Carpet. Amazingly, we have sold, to date 13 Radio Carpets and 15 Radiator Carpets. But now, Smart Carpets has a new product that is sure to fly off the shelves! It’s the Radioactive Carpet!
(The Video Professor leans against a wall)
The Video Professor: have you ever wanted to create your own mutated animals, objects, or even mutate yourself for better or worse? No more not being able to! The Radioactive Carpet takes care of all of that! Just simply rub on this package of Nuclear waste we found in New Jersey, and voila!
(The Video Professor pours on some nuclear waste on the carpet and his arms burn off)
The Video Professor: uh oh….um….your results may vary. Only $50 for the carpet and $1300 for a 8 oz. can of nuclear waste!
(end)
The Video Professor: Hello! I’m The Video Professor with another product from Smart Carpets. Its called Radiator Carpet!
(The Video Professor lies down on the carpet in front of him)
The Video Professor: do you just happen to be cold-blooded or feel like being a lizard or a spider for no apparent whatsoever in you life? Look no further than the plug-inable Radiator Carpet!
(The Video Professor rolls around)
The Video Professor: IT works like a VCR in the sense that you don’t know how to program it, and it can plug into an outlet! But there are some drawbacks…
(The Video Professor gets 3rd degree burns all over his body)
The Video Professor: We have yet to come out with a model that you can actually control! Only $1500, at your local Smart Carpeteers! AHHHHH! THE BURNING!!!
(end)
The Video Professor: Hello. I am the Video Professor. Since I am piss poor because I was practically giving away my CDs to help people learn how to use their computers, I’ve decided tow work for Smart Carpets, the best wholesale carpet makers ever. Today, I’m here to show you their latest product. The Radio Carpet
(The Video Professor sits on a chair in front of a carpet)
The Video Professor: It works just like a VCR, except it’s a radio and has nothing to do with a VCR. It actually blows up all VCRs in a 10 centimeter radius if you’re not careful! I’ll show you how it works.
(The Video Professor leans toward the carpet)
The Video Professor (screaming): I want to listen to Backstreet Boys!
Radio Carpet: You’re gay. Here’s some N*Sync for the day!
(N*Sync music starts playing)
The Video Professor: This is a happenin’ beat!
(The Video Professor smiles)
Radio Carpet: Hey, this got flare, how above some music from a guy named Dave!
(Dave Mathews Band starts playing)
The Video Professor: The whole carpet is mixed in with millions of mini-speakers and mini-microphones. Every time it changes music it makes a rhyme, too!
Radio Carpet: That’s right, Pro, how about some Cro-ws?
(Crows start to squawk from the carpet)
The Video Professor: Well, there are some drawbacks…you can’t walk on the carpet because of the speakers and microphones and sometimes it picks something bad!
Radio Carpet: I’m hungry, how about some music from Hungary?!
(The Video Professor looks at the camera with a weird face)
The Video Professor: Only $36000! Would you please buy it? Please?
(end)
Q: What goes up and down the stairs without moving?
A: A carpet
hillenburg – n. an overturned carpet on a freeway