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Stories

Attack of the Communist Sideburns

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Hey all you silly bastards!

Guess what?

Yep, you guessed it, it’s story time!!

Whoopee!!!!!!!!!!

Today’s installment is a sort of auto-biography (that means it’s about me, ya dumbass). But I’m going to write in the third person, ’cause I can, so eat that!

It’s about a large valley girl that likes MTV (Motivational Therapy for Virgins) and has a wee wee instead of a yum yum. You heard me! A wee wee!

“Aww crap, do I really have to,” said roblestheclown

“YES! I AM DAVEPOOBOND! YOU CANNOT DISOBEY ME, FOR I HAVE JELLO IN MY EAR!” replied the very drunk Aussie, davepoobond.

“OK, OK, just make sure you pay me in monopoly money this time, cause last time…IT WAS FRIGGEN REAL! I HATE REAL MONEY, CAUSE EVERY BILL HAS A BIG STUPID PICTURE OF A DEAD GUY! THEY JUST PISS ME OFF DAVE!”

“……….Fine, but this story HAS to involve flying curtains that snore!”

Anyway, back to the funny stuff.

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Attack of the Communist Sideburns

One day, as Eddie (my nickname that I made up for myself because I have no friends) was walking down the street towards the zoo, he saw something scary, something very, very scary. A vase. Now you might say, if you were actually reading this, “Hey Eddie, vases arn’t scary. You must be stupid!” Well, this vase was no ordinary vase: it had a picture of Saddam Husein wearing a pretty pink tutu doing a pirouette while balancing on a 2 pound slab of veil(you know, baby cows). Now, tell me thats not scary and ill beat your grandma…thats more like it.

“AH!” exclaimed Eddie, after he saw Saddam wink at him from the vase. “HEY! Don’t scream at my vase, it’s very sensitive!”

“Oh, sorry old man Herpes, but it winked at me.”

“…mmmmmm…i have eight watches…none of them arefake.”

“Oh,…..good….for….you…Yea, I gotta go, you know, MTV!” Eddie replied happily.

“Damn virgins” mumbled Herpes.

So, instead of going to the zoo to laugh at all the old people that fall into the crocodile pits, Eddie went to his hourly MTV session. MTV is what Eddie lives for. Literally. Every hour he has to go to the doctor inside the MTV place for tequilla shots, with a needle, not a shot glass, or else he will implode. Once he gets his shots, he goes to his MTV class, quite convenient if you ask me, a two-fer so to speak.

In these MTV classes, Eddie learns about why being a virgin has its ups and downs. The downs: you havent had sex yet, people make fun of you, you suck. The ups:…uhh…well…there aren’t really any ups, they just say that to make it cool, ups and downs. Beacause if it just said downs, then no one would want to be a virgin. After that, they go around in a circle, explaining how smoking crack only makes you a crack whore, and no one likes them. Well, maybe crack pimps, but this story is not about them.

But the main reason Eddie watches MTV is for Tom Green, Andy Dick, Jackass, and…oh, wait, wrong MTV. Sorry about that. The main reason Eddie goes to MTV is because they serve virgin margaritas with those cool little umbrellas and a side order of ketchup, which also comes with an umbrella.

After a session one day, Friday, February 13, 1999 to be exact, Eddie spontaneously said, “I like to eat marijuana brownies through my ass!” Most of the virgins in there gasped, then thought about it, nodded their heads, and applauded. All of them in fact, except Gary the Constipated Virgin. She thought it was very cruel to make fun of her being constipated. Even though Eddie didn’t directly make the joke about her, she was very sure he was talking about her, beacuase she’s constipated, and stupid.

So, when Eddie left, after he excitedly stated, “I have a wee wee instead of a yum yum!! AHAHAHAHA!!!”, Gary followed him home, saw which room he slept in, and threw a brick into his window, smacking him in the head, and making him fall, unconcious, with no hair.

Eddie woke up 10 seconds later somewhere in the vicinity of Nebraska, with hair again. To make matters worse, his pants had been replaced with a neon sign stapled to him, saying “I hate you.” He had only one choice: walk. Walk where, he didn’t know, but there was a giant sea tortoise that went by him and told Eddie to walk, or it would pee on him. So he walked. And walked. And walked, and walked, and walked. And every time he walked through a city, at least one person in every city would throw a bucket of water on him, electrocuting him. It also lowered his sperm count but thats not our problem.

“Wash my couch!”

“What?!” queried Eddie.

“I said, wash my couch! ya dumbass” said Harold theRocketship.

“NO!” Eddie said.

“Damn virgins,” murmured Harold.

“…FUCK AUTHORITY!…oh shit, sorry, I was just gettin into my music, but damn this backstreet boys CD rules!”

“Sir?”

“Yes?”

“I’m the Squackle censor, and you have violated the rules that you agreed to.”

“What? Squackle doesn’t have any censors. Look, FUCK, SHIT, ASSHOLE, DICKFACE, STUPID COCK-PUMPER, GAY ARABIAN CAMEL RAPIST THAT LOVES TO EAT HAIR AND SKIN WHILE SNIFFING SQUIRREL PISS! See, no bleeps, well, except that one.”

“Sir, we dont bleep, we enforce fucked up words, and you have yet to say the following: soul train, Marilyn Manson, bong toker, smelly back disease, and beef. Since you have not complied with these terms, you will die.”

“Oh, OK…wha wha, wait…that’s illegal isn’t it?”

“No, not here. You see, here at Squackle, we can do anything we want. We say what we want, we tell people whatever we want, and we kill whoever we want, without any repercussions.”

“But, how the hell did you guys get such a good deal?!”

“Well, two words: Dave’s high. And since dave is high, the government doesn’t like dealing with him, because they think Squackle is ‘A site full of crap and we don’t want to look through all that crap for illegal things’, also…Dave’s high.”

“Oh, oh yeah! Well, bye!”

“Bye!”

Eddie finally made it to a city that looked like it sold pants, so he looked around, and found a store, called “Pants and Pink Pudding.” Eddie liked pink pudding, so he went in and bought a smiley face sticker, stuck it on his face and went back home.

Once back home, Eddie went door-to-door, telling eveyone, individually, about his adventure. But, after the thrid person, he was punched by a mysterious man that just happened to be the man he was talking to. When he woke up in the hospital, all he could say was, “Like, wut-everrrrrrrrrr!” ::does the wutever w with hands::

THE END!

Oh yea, I knew this girl once, and one time she brought to show-

and-tell her flying cutains that snore. They were AWESOME!!!!!!

 

THE END…FOR REALZ, YO!

Stories

DJ Deluxe

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This story was started by Stussy4220, but finished by Holmes.

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A long time ago in a land far, far away, there’s was little place called ‘Rappa’z D-lyte’ (pronounced rappas deelight). ‘Rappa’z D-lyte’ is a magical place where DJ’s, Pimps, Prostitutes, Dealers, and, of course, Rappaz live. Obviously, ‘Rappa’z D-lyte’ isn’t where all these people do their business, they go to New York to do that. Anyway, in ‘Rappa’z D-lyte’ there is a swell lil’ yungin named DJ DeLuXe. He’s only 13 years old, but that’s not young for someone in ‘Rappa’z D-lyte’. DJ DeLuXe is a struggling Disc Jockey. He can also freestyle sorta well. One day, DeLuXe decides to go to his DJ sesai for help in DJing because business hasn’t been going to well for our little hero.

So he hops on his moped and put-pudders away to Sesai’s Pagoda. About three hours later he finally makes it to Sensai’s

“Ahhh I’m finally here” says DeLuXe as he steps of his moped and puts the kickstand down. “Lets check to see what the Sensai has to sen-say!, ah-hahahahahahahaha, whooo, that was a good one!!” he says as he steps up the 400-step flight up to Sensai’s front door. Three hours later he makes it all the way to the top. “Ahh, made it” sighs DeLuXe. “Hey a note!” says DeLuXe as he walks up to the yellow Post-It Note “Hmm what’s it say?”

Gone for some yummy fried chicken, be back in 4 hours, 5 at the latest.

Peace,

§en§ai

“Four or five hours!?!?!?!?!” screams DeLuXe

DeLuXe, angered that Sensai left, starts cursing freestyle…..style. He curses for like an hour, freestylin these swears until he starts rhyming fuck and cheese. How do you rhyme fuck and cheese? I don’t know but DeLuXe did it…must be spanish or something….anyways after he’s done cursing, Sensai appears from the mist behind DeLuXe.

“Sensai…that was very magical…I laughed, I cried…you have reached your freestyle demon called rection.” says Sensai.

“erection?” questions the now giggling DeLuXe.

“No young one…you don’t know the difference between an erection and rection. Here is an erection.” Sensai pulls down his pants as DeLuXe’s eyes pop out. “That is an erection.” says Sensai. “a RECTION is located here.” Sensai pokes the area where DeLuXe’s penis is located. “It is behind the bladder and above the brain but below the rectum…You have to reach deep inside to reach your inner rection.”

DeLuXe pulls out a tickle-me elmo doll. “I now understand the truness and obscene injustice of the rection…”

Sensai says: “Come with me son…come with on my motor water bed as you will see the world as I have…you will see as many rections as I have” and then he mutters “and erections…” Sensai hops on the bed (he is still naked) and he ties the bed around DeLuXe’s butt cheeks and makes him pull the bed. The bed has no wheels or anything.

Sensai then says: “Only after you have seen your inner rection, you can comply onto this journey to rappaz stardome. You will see the many pimps, prostitutes, and playas I have…Only after—”

DeLuXe interrupts: “Why do I have to fuckin pull”

Sensai: “Don’t interrupt young rection illitereate student, silence has now befalled your mind, body, rection and erection” They travel as far as ‘Playa’z D-lyte’ (now know as hawaii) without saying a word to each other. Sensai, still naked, stares off into the sun, burning his iris in his eyes. Suddenly, after going 4 months without saying a word, DeLuXe finally speaks. “Sensai…why is a rection so important?”

Sensai: “Well, my sensai son, one must truly suck on the rection to get the true ideas of what it is. I have sucked on my rection plenty of times and extracted the juices of knowledge and expierience…infact my rection is truly dried out…”

DeLuXe, holding back from laughing: “How do you suck on your own erection?”

Sensai: “Silly boy…sucking a dick is just nasty…I’m talking about a RECTION! A RECTION GOD DAMNIT! Pull into the nearest KFC before my rection bursts with anger.” They pull into the nearest KFC only to realize that they are early, infact, very early because the KFC branch hasn’t even opened yet and won’t open for about 20 years. They decide to set up camp and party all night long with other rappaz and playaz that they pick up. They freestyle the night away. Thats when they meet Dlick Zuka, a rapper from the North-South side. He was the quiet type, smoked marijuana a lot and ate at KFC even though it hasn’t opened yet. They all decide to embark on there journey to find there rections. Sensai then hooks up the bed to Dlick Zucka’s butt cheeks, and lets DeLuXe ride on the bed with him, naked and admiring there rections. They stop by the nearest 2dolla whore store and pick up a bunch of bitches.

DeLuXe, excited by picking up the bitches, then says: “we are gonna get laid tonight!” Unfortunatley the whores didn’t appreciate that and kicked DeLuXe’s ass and Sensai’s ass and they both got fucked by Dlick Zuka. Deciding they were fucked (well not really), they decide to embark on there journey with out Dlick. They ride for days on there waterbed, viewing the worlds great treasures. After being gone for 90 years, they come home to ‘Rappa’z D-lyte’. Unfortunatley the place has completely changed and it turned into a dork hangout called “Harvard.” They decide they’ll live in cardboard boxes outside the place.

One night, after a freezing day, DeLuXe asks his master: “Ok I thought I was going to be the best damn DJ on this side of the planet after I found my rection…”

Sensai sepnds 5 hours in deep thought then, finally, he answers the question: “No, bitch, dishwasher” He kicks DeLuXe out of the box and DeLuXe was forced to wander the streets. He heads to a bar and they ask him to freestyle on stage, he does and becomes popular in exactly 12 minutes. Yeah, it’s a world record. You don’t believe me? Read a dictionary…ok maybe it isn’t but whatever. He’s more popular then you. Anyways, Sensai never dies and is still that homeless bum outside of harvard talking about erections/rections and eating KFC chicken on his crappy waterbed. DeLuXe became king of the world and freestyle while he was trying to make world peace but he rhymed fuck and cheese and no one liked that so the world got into a terrible fight and everyone died except the person writing this story. Dlick Zuka was the gayest guy in this story so who cares. And they all lived happily ever after.

Stories

Leafy Bob the Muffin Eater

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One day, a leaf named Leafy Bob fell from a tree, falling on a muffin. Suddenly, the muffin…DISAPPEARED!!

The guy who was eating the muffin got mighty mad at the leaf for eating his muffin. So, he ate the leaf. But, what the guy didn’t know, was that Leafy Bob was a magician!! Next thing the guy knew, Leafy Bob took over his body.

Leafy Bob led the body over to the local supermarket. (We can’t say the name of the company because then they’ll want royalties on the money this story will make. For the purpose of this story, it’ll just be called Shplar)

Leafy Bob entered Shplar, screaming in a rageful manner, “Where’s YOUR MUFFINS!?”

Then, the store manager, looking over to the guy, said “Oh, Mr. Wellington, you own this store, you get muffins everyday. Oh well, they’re right here.” The store manager leads him to “The AISLE OF MUFFINS…” (echo).

“Muffins!” screamed Leafy Bob. Leafy Bob ran down the aisle, like a vacuum sucking up all the muffins.

“What THE FUCK!!” the store manager yelled. The store manager never seen anyone do that, before.

A man was sitting down in The Muffin Eating Room. Leafy Bob ran in and stole it (the muffin that is). The man cried, “oh! you stole my pecan blueberry peach and rhubarb muffin! I spent like two fifty on that!” The man falls down in a fetal position and cries.

Leafy Bob then says, while eating the muffin, “Don’t cry, its a crappy muffin anyway”

Leafy Bob laughed like a maniac, and ran out the window. “Mr. Wellington is less crazy than usual, today…” whispered the store manager to a lady cashier. “Oh, yes. I doubt anyone will care if we had hot sex in a mashed potato bath and then put the mashed potatos back in the cans in the canned mashed potato aisle” whispered the lady cashier to the store manager.

Anyway

“Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuufins!” screamed Leafy Bob. Leafy Bob crawled along the ground, looking for muffins. he climbed all the way up a small hill, and looking down he could see a one-of-a-kind sex park, with naked people chasing each other, and porking each other. It was an STD garden, one might say. But being a leaf as he was, Leafy Bob din’t know what the hell was happening. “Umm…muffins?” He looked at all the people, and when he looked to the left, there were two people on top of each other, rolling toward him. They were going to kill him!! Being a leaf as he was, he jumped off the hill, but being a human right now, he just fell on a giant boulder, cracking all his ribs on the left side into 15 pieces each.

“NYAAAAAAAAHHH!!” Leafy Bob screamed out in pain. Almost unconcious, he rolled down the rest of the hill, after hitting the boulder, ending up in the STD infested sand pit. And wouldn’t you know? 3 people jumped on top of him, getting it on.

Leafy Bob opened his eyes, seeing the people on top of him. He had to kill them now, for trying to kill him…if they didn’t give him muffins.

“Muffins?” Leafy Bob said, with a high voice, because they were on top of him.

“Oh yeah, I got a muffin right here baby…” one of them said with a stupid sounding oice, as they started French kissing Leafy Bob, one in the mouth, and the other two in the ears.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!” Leafy Bob screamed like a silly little girl. He wanted out.

Fortunately, when he screamed, the three people that were on top of him’s ear drums shattered and their brains started gushing out, instantly draining their bodies of all their blood, and brains, killing them.

Leafy Bob got up and ran away. There were no muffins here.

Leafy Bob was in pain, lots of it. He had enough pain to fill buckets and sell them! Which he was, for muffins. There was a big sign that said: “Buckets of Pain, only one muffin.” Unfortunately for Leafy Bob, people didn’t use muffins as currency, so Leafy Bob went to a friendly neighborhood on a street called Muffin Road. There must be muffins there since it was named Muffin Road.

Well, he found muffins. He ate them.

THE END

Stories

Goopy Blip

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Written in conjunction with elmoisfurry

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It all started with an avocado. That damn fruit. I hate avocados. Avocados are green. They bounce. I don’t like bouncy things. Especially bouncing avocados that are green and hit mailman car thingys. This is my story. I’m a postal worker.

…………..

“BOO!!” said Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man. Naturally, I screamed. I was a bit of a pansy. I AM a mailman. I run away from a lot of things. Kittens…dogs…myself, but most of all clothes hangers. Clothes hangers are scary. They’re all pointy and stuff. If you brought one up to me, I’d scream like a little girl in a yellow polka dot dress. Its horrible…not really.

Y’know what I did when Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man scared me? I PEED MY PANTS! Quack, quack, quack, moo pie. Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man laughed at my pants, and gave me a free Moon Pie. The Moon Pie was cold. Mmmmmmmmm moon pie, taste like…………..moon. I had to think of a way to leave the Ice Cream Truck man…so I told him my peas were getting cold. He said he understood, and he left.

I was at home. In my underwear. Not boxers, but whitey tighties. I like the way they feel. My mother is a nut. Seriously. She’s a walnut. A giant walnut. Don’t ask me how my dad got me. It is a science unknown to man. Ahglahglah. So, I was sitting down…drinking a beer…watching soap operas…the good kind…you know, Vietnamese soap operas. I didn’t understand the soap operas, because the captions were in Vietnamese. That really pisses me off. But its funny because I dub for them. I record the soap operas and then leave them in the mail boxes I go to during work. Smell my cheese grater.

So, I went to work the next day. I had a few joints. Not like it mattered. I just tripped over a few chairs…regular postal etiquette. I got my box full of mail to make my rounds. It takes 9 hours at least to deliver all the mail. There’s this one guy that has half a box of mail everyday. Its all porn, too. He’s a crazy old man. I think he has two 89 year old granddaughters. He’s got to be as old as the White House. He has a dog, too, you know. It’s called Mr. Giant Fluffy Bunny Fur. Mr. GFBF for short. She (the dog) smells like Dr. Pepper and guacamole. Anywho!

I have my own place, but its a pile of mulch. I bought it on ebay. Ebay is a cool thingy. You can get beer for one dollar. And its easier than going to the store I live under. Sometimes, the toilets leak, and the flushed toilet water seeps through the boards, and waters my plants. I just had a seizure. Ok, now, I’ll tell you about my pets. I have a pet keyboard. He types stuff. He talks with me when I pet him. He only does it when he’s turned on. Yes…

Comma. Wait….coma. I’m in a coma. I don’t know how, but I am. Ok, I’m out of it. That was a nice one second coma. I’ll tell you a story. Its about a patio chair, and the way it impaled me.

I was sitting on a chair. Then my only friend, Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man, took his patio chair, and stuck it up my nose. LISTEN TO MY GIANT BLOATED ORANGE!!! LISTEN TO IT!!!!!!! I screamed, and screamed and screamed. It hurt like a mother walrus. Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man said he was sorry, and left, ringing his bell. I don’t know why he did that, because he didn’t have a bell…

I’ll tell you about a pillow. Pillows are funny. They’re soft and cuddly. But they’re also deadly. The feathers in my pillow punctured through the material surrounding it, and jammed into my eye. I thought I was being speared like a fish. OoOOoo, look at the lumpy sack of graham crackers.

I’m going to talk about a vacuum cleaner now. Vacuum cleaners are noisy. Sorta like a toilet, but the flushing noise is always there. Its really annoying. I’ll tell you something about vacuum cleaners. You can get sucked into them. Only if you’re two foot four or under. Jabba the Hut makes good slushies. I like the Backstreet Boys. They’re silly. SILLY LIKE A MOTH! That means they’re stupid, and they eat cloth. I’ll tell you another thing about them.

Oh, I have another story.

The End.

Wait, wait. I’m not done

The End.

Stories

The Janitor’s Great Adventure

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The first time I saw the lady, I knew my life was over. But why start the story at the end? Let’s start from the beginning…

It was Saint Patrick’s Day, and everyone was drunk. That’s when I was made. Ain’t it grand? Anyway, I got born. Momma said I’d be a good janitor. Dadda said that I’d make a good towel rack. So I did what I thought I should do for a career. Be a janitor. Momma always liked it when I helped her work at home. She was a homework maker. The type of person that makes homework worksheets for schools and lazy teachers to use when they didn’t want to make their own.

Annnnnyyywayyy….my parents named me when I was old enough to go to college, even though I would never go to college. They named me after their favorite restaurant. Burger King. Burger King was a strong, forceful name, Dadda said. Dadda never married Momma. That meant Dadda could go out and hump the grass whenever he wanted. Dadda and Momma wanted to get married, but unfortunately, they were waiting for me to make income before they could use my money to get married, and give 5 dollars to all the dancers that would come. They were planning a grand marriage. One that would never come, because a freak accident happened to them. An invisible man came over and chopped their heads off, while they were getting stoned.

Poor unfortunate parents…

ANYWAY. I got hired at a school, and was treated with respect, people were so nice to me, saying hi to me then walking away laughing. I’m glad I made them happy. I think it was my smell that did it.

One day, I heard a rumor from one of the loser kids I became friends with, and sometimes buy alcohol for so he can give to other people, that a teacher was all high on heroin, and was raped 56 times up the ass. Of course it was a rumor, it wasn’t true…

Or was it?

I will never forget that day…February 31, 2009. You may say “hey wait a minute, February doesn’t have 31 days!” Well, I say to you “WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!” In the year 2009, the inhabitants of Bahrain got pissed off that February only had 28 days, and 29 days for some years, that they made a proposition at the United Nations to change that. Europe was in an outrage, and so was the Americas. But, China and India got behind Bahrain. The world made war on itself over the issue. Eventually a smart man said, “lets jus thave 31 days in February.” And everyone said, “ok” and stopped fighting. Treaties were signed, movies were made, history book writers were bored, and everyone went back to their boring old jobs.

Besides the fact that only a puppy lost his life from natural causes during the war, it was about time that…um…whatever…

Anyway, that teacher I told you about? 9 months after I heard that rumor, I saw her wobbling down the hallway, all fat and shit, and she shoulda been teaching her damn fangled Social Studies class. That bitch. She was screaming something about her water breaking to me, but I looked at the drinking fountain and it looked fine to me. Then she shook me by the collar screaming, “take me to the hospital, you assholeeeeee!!!”

I never been to a hospital, so I grabbed her, and got into my janitor car thingy, and shoved her in it too, driving down the main road in town, hoping to find the thing she was talking about.

I saw a big blue sign. Momma said that hospitals have big blue signs so I assumed it was the hospital, so I drove through the windows but when I crashed through it, everyone was sitting down at tables…eating pancakes…since when did hospitals have pancakes? But…I was wrong. Dead wrong.

The teacher was pissing all over the place, tossing baby poop, baby pee and babies all around the place,and people got pissed off and threw up, and tossed their pancakes at the waiters. Of course the waiters were getting mad, so the waiters charged the customers more money. We were smack dab in the middle of an IHOP. Don’t blame me, I’m just a janitor…

The End.

Stories

Municipal Poopoo

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Yes, Poopoo is my name…Municipal Poopoo. My mom abandoned me when I was just a turd. I never saw my dad, but I blame him for flushing me down the toilet.

I’m a detective. My house, my office, is a sespool. I get new cases everytime, y’see, when “they” flush them down, down into my office.

The bacteria in the sespool are my security system. When a bad turd comes around, they eat’m up right away.

But when there is a turd with a good case, I take it up personally. Like once when this old geezer came along and said, “Yo llevo un el gato en mi pantalones” I knew who he was. He was the old Spanish turd from a Spanish guy pooping on “their” toilet.

He said, “I need you to find out who pooped me out.” So, I helped the old 15 year-old geezer, by scraping the old poo-skin-layer off of him, he then tossed his cane and ran around the sespool, screaming, “I’m reborn!” …Then he broke in half and died. It was a grousome sight.

I wanted to know what happened to the old geezer, after, all I did have to scrape his hairy poo-skin off…

I went down to the bar, and asked around if anybody knew him. One guy did. It was the bartender. He said he’d talk, only if I got a pee from the Septic Tank, so I gave him 15 poo-coins and he gave me a jug of pee. It had a nice smell, and it had a layer of foam on it, a true sign it came straight from the septic tank.

“Well, you gonna tell me anything?” I said after a sip of pee. The bartender rolled around to me and said, “sure. the old geezer just drank some pee and said he was going to revitalize his body and take a poo-bath.” “hmm…” I thought to myself, “That old geezer should have lived another 5 years…”

It was then, I remembered seeing a sparkle as the old geezar split in half. Then it came to me. He was assassinated! I recognized the sparkle as a shiny tooth. The assassin must have been cleaning it for weeks!

I looked around, looking for any suspicious looking Poos around. That’s when I saw a guy with a tooth-machete. It glimmered in the light. Just as I made my move, he sliced another piece of poo while he was running away from me. Poor soul.

Once he got out of the bar, I shot him 5 times with my Poo-ray gun. Then he was eaten by the bacteria.

Well, that was the best adventure I ever had. All in a days work, of course.

Bye

Stories

Life After High School: a story

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Yay! Fifi is finally out of high school…whoopee…time to go to that college, Fifi. You wanted to go so badly. What was it again? Oh yeah, SUK. Squackle University for Kids. And the bad thing about it is, the college starts tomorrow. No summer vacation. Yay. Time to hop on that train and go down to New Mexico. Fifi hasn’t even seen the university yet. All of Fifi’s friends said she shouldn’t go to SUK. They said that there was a lot of weird stuff going on near that university that it would be hazardous for you health. “We’ll just see,” said Fifi as she got onto the train in her tutu and two suitcases…

* * *

 

Just as Fifi stepped off the train, a bunch of clowns came by and picked her up, leaving her suitcases for the myriad squirrels trailing behind them to pick them up. The clowns ran for about fifteen miles before they stopped at an old secluded warehouse.

 

“Hey! Is this SUK?” Fifi exclaimed. At this comment the six clowns got into a huddle and started talking.

“SUK? What is that?”

“It’s a university not far from here”

“Why is our smuggler trying to get to SUK?”

“Smuggler?”

“Yeah the smuggler that was smuggling in some beans. He said he would be wearing a tutu and would have two suitcases that said, “I am going to SUK, I am going to SUK!”

“Hmm…i have a feeling this isnt the right person. Let’s just wait for the squirrels to come with the suitcases, then we’ll see.”

 

One clown called Big Nose went up to Fifi and said, “Why, hello there little girl…there is a thingy that every freshmen at our fine university has to do before…we allow them to use our facilities freely…” Big Nose turned around and winked at the other 5 clowns. The other five clowns winked back and gave a thumbs up sign.

A clown named Red Nose gave Big Nose a rope and Big Nose tied up Fifi, very tightly with it. Fifi then shouted, “HEY! What’s this got to do with learning? Is this rope tying class?”

At this comment, Big Nose was stunned, so he replied with, “Uh…you want to…learn?”

Fifi said, “Yeah…that’s what a university is all about.”

“Riiiigghhtt…” said Big Nose. The squirrels came inside the warehouse chittering and chattering, and when the Master Squirrel talked with his little squirrely voice, he said, “Why do you guys have to have a warehouse all the way out here?”

Fifi finally realized that this was a warehouse, and not the University she had wanted to go to. Fifi screamed. She screamed so loud that the nose on Red Nose came off and bounced across the room. “This isn’t SUK!!!!” Fifi screeched.

“No, it isn’t, whiny little girly tutu face person.” Shiny Nose said.

 

What will Fifi do? Will Fifi find a way to break out of the warehouse and go to SUK? Well…to make a long story short, she did.

 

In a pile, the six clowns were in a pile and the squirrels were hanging off the walls and ceilings of the warehouse, taped onto them. “Now, its time to go to SUK!” Fifi said proudly.

When Fifi got to the University she saw a bunch of ducks quacking and waddling around a big campus to the ducks, but not at all big for Fifi.

Fifi then said, “Hey! This isn’t a university!”

Just then, a duck wearing glasses and a book in its wing, he said, “Oh, of course not little tutu brain. This is a university for ducks only, not for humans. You better go back home before some clowns and squirrels kidnap you and tie you in ropes and do nothing afterward. A lot of stuff happens around here.”

“What else happens around here, Mr. Quack?” Fifi replied.

“Oh, you know, the usual thing. Moose overcharging you for their taxi service, mice crawling over your house and leaving their footprints on it, crows using anything and everything for target practice, which is very lethal for some species. Anyway, you should go…so GO!”

Mr. Quack took out something that looked like a remote control and zapped Fifi with it. After about 10 minutes of being shocked by 600 killowatts of electricity by the remote control, she disappeared and was back at home on her bed with her suitcases on her legs. In the next room, she heard her parents barking.

Fifi didn’t pay attention to it, and just went to sleep.

 

The moral of the story is to visit the college you are going to before you actually go to it for reals, not for fakes, dress appropriately, stay away from clowns being trailed by lots of squirrels, stay away from warehouses in the middle of nowhere, don’t go to universities with a duck named Mr. Quack that has glasses on.

You also know what your parents do when you are gone to college…

Stories

Sniper Problems…

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Sweat trickling down the side of his face, down his cheek and onto the side of his gun, Percy the Sniper’s hands were trembling as he pulled a black sweater mask thingy over his face as he took the gun out of its colorful case. “Stupid plastic binding thingys…” he muttered. You could hear his breathing through his ears, as his eyes narrowed and he pumped the gun 50 times, watching the gauge slowly climb.

“My efforts are worthless, now…” Percy the Sniper commented, with a very nervous feeling as he slung a 60 gallon tank over his back, almost dropping it because of the immense weight, filled with the stuff he would need to complete the mission.

All Percy the Sniper had was his gun, the 60 gallon tank and a can of beans, but something he didn’t know about the beans, was that they were alien beans, the one that makes you burp through your ears! But that’s enough about that…that’s a different story…

Percy the Sniper bent down and sat on the beans, and started to tremble uncontrollably as he swallowed the beans, through the out-door. What can I say? He’s a “special” child…

A cold shock hit Percy as he found out it was time to go forth with his mission. Looking through the poorly cut holes of his mask thingy, he saw there was a man tap-dancing on his forehead!!

This was a very odd sight indeed, and his mentor had told him, “One who will fail in his mission and stumble into a hill of beans, would see a figment of a man tap-dancing on his forehead, like straight out of Riverdance!”

Walking, very cautiously, around the urban scenery of the forest, he saw a hill of beans! That did it for Percy. He lowered his gun a few inches, just staring at the beans and remembering what people had told him about the mystical hill of beans…

“You’re going to faiiiiiil! If you see a hill of beans!” “If you see a hill of beans, call me over!” “Hill of beans….hmm…..nope! not real!” the voices kept echoing and memories flashed before his eyes, Percy opened his mouth out of fright.

While in the middle of another memory, Percy heard a crack and a rustle from a tree to the right, and right there, in purple clothes in a branch, was Herbert, the circus elephant!!

Just as Percy was about to run away, a large stream of water came down at him and hit his pants! “Oh boy, this is gonna be hard to explain to the guys at the party…” Percy thought, as he returned fire with an even larger stream of water, from the 3 nozzle Super Soaker, right back at the purple elephant.

The elephant lost his balance as the water struck him in the eye and fell down into the hill of beans, splattering everything around it, with the sick, syrupy, brown, stew thingy that usually comes with beans. Percy didn’t care anymore, he just kept pumping and shooting the water at anything that moved. Chester the Lion, Moo Moo the Cow, Bow Wow the Gorilla, and Suzy the Trapeze Tortoise, all fell to the water that had been barraged at them from the agitated one.

Suddenly, there was a flash of light! Someone took his picture? NO! It was the Aliens! THEY CAME BACK FOR HIM! “NOOOOOOO!!!” Percy screeched in a disturbing tone, as he dropped his water gun and fell to his knees shivering violently, gripping the sides of his head, as if his head was going to blow up.

All was white…so quiet…so bright…what a great rhyme…though its not that great…then, came into focus, was not trees, but a very bright light set straight at his eyes. A faint whisper had been noticed by his keen hearing, “Mr. Percy? Are you awake?” “No…” Percy replied, “I have my eyes open because I’m dead!” Percy had said in a very violent sarcastic remark.

Percy sat up, and looked around at where he was. “Actually, you are!” the whisper had said in a melodic tone. “WHAT?” Percy shrieked in a trembling voice. “What do you mean?”

Across the room, Percy saw 3 figures, covered in shadow. “Who….who are you?” Percy could barely get the words out, as he swallowed. “Why, we’re the Committee of Weird People You Thought Were Dead But Aren’t, but you should know that already!”

One of the shadows came over and turned off the light shining in his face, and in an instant he immediately recognized the 3 figures. From left to right, there was Kurt Kobain, Bob the Giant Squirrel, and Elvis Presley!

“AH!” Percy shrieked as he fell off the table backwards. Percy stood up and hid behind the table he was lying on before, and found that there were lots of chips, pork rinds, and old pizza.

Elvis scratched his hair, and said, “Yo, Percy, what’s wrong? I think that you need to lighten up on that old chocolate pizza we got in the freezer…” Elvis waved a finger at Percy, shaking his head.

“Sunburn…..freezer burn…..” Kurt Cobain randomly said. Bob the Giant Squirrel adjusted in his seat and said, “Kurt! You’re not in Nirvana anymore! You died….but you really didn’t! Remember!??”

Kurt nodded a little bit, “What? Oh…..yeah….sorry….” Percy had an astonished look on his face as he just screamed and slammed against a wall, to find that it was padded. “WHY ARE THERE PADDED WALLS HERE?!” Percy screamed. Elvis shrugged, and said “Well, that’s for Rumpus Time…don’t tell me your forgot THAT too!”

“I gotta get outta here…” Percy thought with a shaking fist, and he grew weak, and slumped down on the floor, and sort of bounced, because of the padding. “The padding…is so plush…” Percy thought as he passed out, thwarted.

TO BE CONTINUED……?

Stories

Die Clown DIE!

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Prologue: Camera Man Gets a Dumb-Assignment

“Mr. Zog, please come in here,” Mr. Zog’s boss said. Mr. Zog doesn’t look too thrilled as he gets up from his desk and starts to walk to his boss’s office.

“Ooh, somebody’s gonna get it now!” Mr. Zog could hear from a distance as he walked into his boss’s office.

“Ah, Mr. Zog! I have a special assignment for you. You are going to test our latest and greatest camera, and it doesn’t weigh anything at all. We can connect it to your brain and eyes and it’ll have your thoughts recorded along with what you are seeing, when you turn it on. Walk to your left and the surgeons will begin surgery.” Mr. Zog looked sad, and walked toward the door.

“Oh, wait, here’s your first assignment” Mr. Zog’s boss said as he handed him the assignment and then said “See ya later,” when Mr. Zog walked through the door, his boss then mumbled, “Wouldn’t wanna be ya”

 

Chapter 1: Goin’ On a Clown Hunt

“Great, just great. I’m stuck with two so called ‘cops’ out to arrest clowns. What an assignment my boss gave me, sheesh, and I haven’t even seen these guy’s faces,” thought Mr. Zog, as he sat in the back seat of the “police” car.

He then said, “Hello everybody, I’m on assignment with Sheriff Wimplespoon, and Deputy Jimmy Jones of the Ump Town Police Department in New Jersey, hunting for clowns.”

Deputy Jimmy Jones then added “That’s right, there are many, many types of clowns. Alien Clowns, Vampire Clowns, Ghost Clowns, but today we’re going to hunt down one of the most vicious types of clown in the world…..the ones who smoke cigarettes!”

The computer in the car started to beep. That means there is a sighting of a clown.

The computer beeped and said, “Clown that smokes cigarettes sighted at some no-name café place. Please report to Second Street and Slushy Boulevard!!! NOW!!!”

Sheriff Wimplespoon looked at Deputy Jimmy Jones, and said “Let’s roll!” as Sheriff Wimplespoon went top speed, and put on a Ricky Martin CD.

Mr. Zog yells, “AAARRGGHH!!!! NOT RICKY MARTIN!!!!!! TURN IT OFF!!! TURN IT OFF!!! PPPPLLEEEAAASSEEE!!!!!”

Sheriff Wimplespoon looks back at the Camera Man in disgust, “Shut up, you’re interrupting ‘Cup of Life’!”

Mr. Zog, thinking to himself, says, “I can’t take this punishment! I can only hope we get there soon….”

 

Chapter 2: Doughnut and Coffee Break

Suddenly the Police Car stopped.

Then the Mr. Zog said, “Hey, what is this place??”

Sheriff Wimplespoon replied, “Don’t worry, we’re stopping at Doughnut Palace for some doughnuts and we’ll be right back.” Deputy Jimmy Jones has an evil grin on his face and he licked his lips. Mr. Zog looked at the two officers like they were crazy, which they were, looked down at the floor and shaked his head from side to side, saying ‘sad’ over and over again.

 

Chapter 3: Bloody Biscuits

Sometime while Mr. Zog was waiting, he actually started missing the two stupid cops. So he got out of the car and walked toward the Donut Shop. Inside he saw the two cops talking about something, and as he walked in, they stopped talking.

The doughnut man walked by Mr. Zog in his tutu, and Sheriff Wimplespoon then said, with his mouth full, “I thought you were staying in the car” Mr. Zog couldn’t reply, because he was looking at the big ring of powder and frost on their lips.

He finally said, “Uh, um, yeah, uh, ok…” Then he walked over to the table the cops were sitting at and sat down with them.

Mr. Zog asks as he looked down at the ‘doughnuts’, “Hey, what kind of doughnuts are those?” Sheriff Wimplespoon looked at Deputy Jimmy Jones with a nervous look on his face. Then he replied, saying, “Uh, they are, umm, jelly donuts…yeah that’s it! Jelly donuts! You can’t see the jelly till you…eat…it…”

Mr. Zog replied, “Don’t mind if I do” as he reached and picked up one of the donuts.

Sheriff Wimplespoon looked a little scared as Mr. Zog chomped away at the doughnuts.

Sheriff Wimplespoon then said, “Hey, slow down, foo! Save some for us!” Right after Sheriff Wimplespoon said that, Mr. Zog made a few choking sounds and put his hands across his neck. Deputy Jimmy Jones has a bewildered look on his face.

Mr. Zog managed to say, “Ch…o….k…i…nn..gg…” But, as soon as he said that a lot of blood started coming out from his mouth, and the last thing that he could remember was that the cops had took out a syringe of some kind….

 

Chapter 4: Smells Like Clowns…or Cheap Coffee

Mr. Zog woke up just as the police car gets to the café. Sheriff Wimplespoon turned off the car, Ricky Martin music going dead, everybody unloads, except Mr. Zog who got out sort of dizzy. This was the first time Mr. Zog got a glimpse of the two cops he was with. Sheriff Wimplespoon was a chubby man, that had brown hair with white streaks in it, he looked around 50 years old. Deputy Jimmy Jones, on the other hand, was a tall man, with black hair, long legs, and long fingers. His eyes almost looked like an alien’s in the night. The officers turned away from Mr. Zog and started to walk toward the café.

 

Chapter 5: Clown in Café Gets Beat Up

For no reason Sheriff Wimplespoon said, “By the way what’s you name?”

Mr. Zog hesitated for a moment and said, “Uhhhh, umm…..Mr. Zog”

Sheriff Wimplespoon said, “Oh, that’s a nice name, Mr. Zog,” just as they walked through the door.

Deputy Jimmy Jones yelled, “THERE HE IS!! THERE’S THE CLOWN!!! GET HIM!!!” The clown looked up at the officers with a dumb look, and the cigarette dropped out of his mouth into his lap, just as the officers tackled the clown to the floor. The clown kicked his feet all over the place.

“What are you DOING???? I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!!!” Sheriff Wimplespoon yelled, “SHUT UP!!!! WE KNOW YOUR GAME!!! YOU ARE SILLY GOOSE POOP THE CLOWN, AND YOU SMOKE CIGARETTES!!! SO WE MUST ARREST YOU!!!!”

 

Chapter 6: Silly Chit Chat

The Clown says, “I’m NOT going!!!!!!”

Sheriff Wimplespoon says, “YES YOU ARE!!!”

“I’m NOT going!!!!!!”

“YES YOU ARE!!!”

“I’m NOT going!!!!!!”

“YES YOU ARE!!!”

“I’m NOT going!!!!!!”

“YES YOU ARE!!!”

 

Chapter 7: The Torture of It All

After about an hour of saying, “I’m not going”, and “yes you are”, the cops get the clown into the police car.

Silly Goose Poop the Clown says, “What are you going to do to me???”

Deputy Jimmy Jones says, “We’re going to take you to the station, beat you, put you on scary rides at an amusement park, make you watch 24 hours of Barney. Then put you through the ‘It’s a small world after all’ ride 1000 times, take your rubber nose and stomp on it, tickle you, trip you, leg drop you. To top it off, make you listen to Whitney Houston for a week, slam your head against a wall a couple of times, whip you, punch you, bite you, step on your brand new rubber shoes, set your hair on fire, make you watch Spanish Wrestling, and the Creme de la Creme, kill you, if you’re not already dead.”

Silly Goose Poop the Clown looked unhappy and said, “Does it have to be a 1000 times?”

Deputy Jimmy Jones said, “No, we’ll make it 10,000, just for you.” Silly Goose Poop the Clown rolled his eyes and says, “Gee, thanks…..”

Deputy Jimmy Jones nodded with an evil grin and says, “You’re welcome.”

 

Chapter 8: Fresh Meat

When they got to the police station there was a crowd of clowns rioting against the harsh treatment of clowns.

Sheriff Wimplespoon gets out, smiled, licked his lips and said, “Fresh meat” and got Silly Goose Poop the Clown out of the car and pushed through the crowd with Deputy Jimmy Jones holding Silly Goose Poop the Clown’s legs.

 

Chapter 9: A Sad Little Room With One Window

Once they got in to a dark little room with cement walls they threw the clown against the wall, he made a splat against the wall and dropped down.

Sheriff Wimplespoon looked at Mr. Zog and said, “We’ll be right back. You stay here, Mr. Zog.” Deputy Jimmy Jones and the Sheriff walked outside, and through the only window in the whole room, a bright light flickered a lot, and stays on for a while. There are a lot of screams until the light turned off.

After a few minutes the Sheriff and the Deputy came back in and punched the clown in the kidneys.

The Sheriff turned to Mr. Zog and said, “Let’s go to a night club. We’ll let the other officers torture him for a while.”

 

Chapter 10: Cop Steps in Poo

On his way to the car, Deputy Jimmy Jones said, “Ah, crap”

The Sheriff looked at Deputy Jimmy Jones and says, “What is it?”

Deputy Jimmy Jones says, “I stepped in poo….now my new steel toes with rocket boosters are smelly….they cost a lot of moolah.”

 

Chapter 11: The Hippie Clowns that Sing on the Front Lawn

“Sorry, guys, we won’t be going to the night club just yet. We need to make a stop at some old lady’s front yard. Some hippie clowns are there.” Sheriff Wimplespoon said, with an annoyed tone. When they got to the old lady’s front lawn there were some singing clowns and a lady that was screaming.

Sheriff Wimplespoon then said, “This isn’t a pretty sight, stay in here, it won’t be too long.” The Sheriff gets out of the car goes over to the lady, shoots her, then shoots the clowns with his gun and comes back to the car.

“See, I told you it wouldn’t take long.” Sheriff Wimplespoon added as he turned the car on.”

 

Chapter 12: Oh, Puppy Poo

When the police officers got out of the car, they made their way almost to the night club doors, when Deputy Jimmy Jones tripped over a puppy, into some puppy poo, face first.

Mumbling through the poo, Deputy Jimmy Jones says, “I’m like a poo magnet…”

 

Chapter 12: Die Clowns DIE!

Mr. Zog, Deputy Jimmy Jones, and Sheriff Wimplespoon later find themselves at a party.

Mr. Zog thinks to himself, “Oh boy, oh boy! I hope there are some hot chicks here!” But unfortunately for him he finds that this was a clown’s night club. There was a guy, named Vanilla Clown, that was singing his song “Clown, Clown, Baby.” “CLOWN, CLOWN, BABY…..CLOWN, CLOWN, BABY ” says Vanilla Clown. Sheriff Wimplespoon takes out his .44 and shoots it in the air. The clown stops singing and everybody looks to where the gun shots were.

Sheriff Wimplespoon then yells, “YOU’RE ALL UNDER ARREST!!! BUT THEN AGAIN, SINCE YOU ALL SMOKE, YOU DESERVE TO DIIIIEEEE!!!!” Sheriff Wimplespoon points his .44 at the nearest clown he sees and has a smile on his face.

 

Chapter 13: Fresh Meat, Full of Lead

“BLAM, BLAM!” Went the gun and, as the bullets made contact with the clown it was going for, it made a sickening cccrrackk.

Deputy Jimmy Jones then yelled over the fire, “Sheriff, there are too many!”

Sheriff Wimplespoon spoke into his little walkie talkie on his shoulder and yelled, “Mass Clown Cult!! We need Reinforcements immediately!!!” Within a few seconds a whole squad of cops came in with flame-throwers and rifles.

Sheriff Wimplespoon then yelled, “HIT THEM WITH EVERYTHING YOU GOT!!!” Then a stupid officer gets out from the line with his flame-thrower and burns a whole lot of clowns. They all said, “MELLLLTTINNGG….MMEELLLTTTINNGG” except for one who said it in Spanish. Somewhere through the battle four ninja turtles and two monster things were shot while fighting each other….

 

Chapter 14: Later That Night

Sheriff Wimplespoon shook the hands of all the officers that participated in the “glorious” event as he said it.

Sheriff Wimplespoon then yelled, “Good job everybody, you see anymore clowns, you shoot them, you hear me? Homee Gz!” Just about then, Mr. Zog came out of the building and said, “Wow, that was actually fun, and I liked taking all the money that wasn’t burned and shot with a bullet through from the clowns wallets, and drank a whole lot o’ beer…..uuugghh….I don’t feel to good” And the last thing he could remember was falling into the arms of Sheriff Wimplespoon….

 

Chapter 15: Adventures in CameraLand

In Mr. Zog’s dream he’s running away from a flying craft of some sort, but it was in a shadow. Except that it had bright lights on the sides of it. He’s screaming something, but he can’t understand what, and behind him are two figures chasing after him. Which looked like the two cops. The flying thing sped up, and a very bright light came from the middle of it to the ground, and sucked Mr. Zog up, and then, and then, and then…..Mr. Zog woke up, screaming, “AAAAHHHH!!!!” Mr. Zog looked around and calmed down.

 

Chapter 16: AWeird Sack of Puppy Poo and Aliens Don’t Have Noses

Deputy Jimmy Jones ran toward him and said, “Hey, why’d you scream?” But before Mr. Zog could reply, Deputy Jimmy Jones tripped over a bag, clearly marked, “Weird Sack of Puppy Poo.” Mr. Zog looked up and said, “Uhhh….nightmare….” Deputy Jimmy Jones said, “Oh ok” as he got up, turned away, but looked back, and started peeling his face off. Mr. Zog screamed and backed up against the wall, as Deputy Jimmy Jones takes off all of his skin, and what he was….was….he was….an….an……alien!!!! The alien screeched, “I want your nose!!! I don’t have a nose, so I want yours!!!” Mr. Zog yelled and screamed, and everything gets all “snowy.”

 

Epilogue: Unsolved Mysteries Takes Things From America’s Most Wanted

The Unsolved Mysteries guy focused into view from a TV screen next to him and said, “That was the captured footage of the clown abducting aliens. We still do not know what has happened to the Camera Man, Sheriff Wimplespoon, Deputy Jimmy Jones, Silly Goose Poop the Clown or the crowd of disturbed, disgruntled, hairy faced, nose picking, arm-pit scratching, booger-eating, Backstreet Boy loving clowns who have excruciatingly severe body odor and back hair, outside expressing their anger outside the police station. If you have any information at all, please dial us at, 1-900-WESUCK1. All charges are charged to you, ‘cause we are cheap and don’t have any money, and out 1-800 numbers just turn into 1-900 numbers after a few minutes like that psychic phone line thing. Um….ok, bye….”

 

Epilogue 2: Squigginsquash, Squibblepumpkin, See ya later!

Two people and a puppy come into focus. The person on the right says, “Hi, my name is Woo!” The other person then said, “My name is Hoo!” They then both said in unison, “And this is Sergeant Scruff.” The little puppy gives a little howl. Woo and Hoo then sang together, “Now’s the time to say good byyyeee” As the Woo and Hoo said bye the puppy gave a howl. Then Woo and Hoo stop singing and said, “So, bye.” Then they walk away.

Stories

So Goes the Mob

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“It’s been two years since I joined the mob, but it feels like forever. I ain’t that good at this sort of stuff so don’t be all up in my face about being weird OK?” says Patrick to the psychologist. “I’ve only just begun to talk about my life so just whatever you do, do not interrupt me.”

“Alright, I won’t say much, but every once in awhile I might need to intervene and talk to you about this and that. But please continue. Tell me how it all started.”

“It started like this”

‘I was thirteen; just became a teenager. I saw these weird mimes. All they did was just stay in this invisible box. They were really dumb. Then I saw some guys in black coats. All of a sudden they took out machine guns and killed the mimes. It was kinda funny only because the mimes were still trying to be in the box and were still smiling when they died. Later I learned the mimes were actually a part of the infamous gang, the Evil Mime People, EMP.

‘I didn’t like those mimes, so I joined the Evil Mime People Killers, EMPK. They were another gang devoted to killing the EMP. I only started when I finally got to kill my first EMP. The problem was that my partner was a stupid parrot who could hold a nail in his mouth. The parrot’s name was Squacky.

‘He talked too much, and all he talked about was how his beak was the color purple, though it was actually yellow. I made friends with a magical blue dwarf, whose name was Bob. Bob likes monkeys, so he got one. The monkey can only say “monkey”, but it’s a really funny monkey. The monkey ate Squacky, so I really like the monkey now.

‘Bob, his monkey Bobby, and I went out to get our mime. The mime’s name was Fishydaft, a common mime name. We saw Fishydaft at the movie theater and he was on a break, eating a moose sandwich. We got out of the car and Bob went to the right, Bobby went to the left, and I went straight forward. Fishydaft saw me, and he took out a big thingy that looked like a boot. It was. I ran forward and so did the others.

‘BAM! We all hit Fishydaft with our remote controls. Bobby then ate Fishy’s moose sandwich. Bob reported to base and we got 500 dollars each. It was in monopoly money, but it’s better than nothing. We went out to celebrate.

‘I called the Mooseycheesemuffin Restraunt. I ate a cheese sandwich, Bob ate a muffin, and Bobby ate a moose sandwich, again. We paid with our monopoly money and they sent us to the back to wash dishes for our payment. While we were washing, I saw a mime out side. I told the other two, and we stopped washing and went for the door. The mime was easy to catch, and we put him in our car and took him to base.

‘Our scientists conducted experiments on him, and found out that the EMP were planning to go to the Really Big Carnival Thingy and mime there. We were put on this mission and took some super mime eating binders. While going to the carnival, we saw a cow. We decided it should come with us to go on some rides. Her name was Cowie. She ate Bobby, but we got over it. Now we were at the carnival when this funny thing happened. I had to eat a duck for some reason. So, I went to the duck stand and bought one. I ate it and it tasted like a gooseduck, a crossbreed of a goose and a duck. I was infuriated. All I could do was kill the guy who sold it to me. Then I was arrested for having a cow that could eat monkeys, but I got out for being a member of DA, Doughnuts Anonymous.

‘We now could get those EMPs. I was the first to see them. They were doing that stupid box thing and I yelled, “Get down on the ground and drop those invisible fish.” Bob said, “Eat magical blue dwarven phones.” Then suddenly a moose was being chased by a gangster of the cheese Mafia. Cowie said, “mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooose.” I noticed that he was Moose D. Cloun; the famous circus idiot.”

I asked him for his autograph and he said, “Duh, OK. Let me eat my cheeeeeeeeeese first. There you go. Bye.” Bob had already phoned the mimes to death, so I ate a cheese poof; it was the best I have had in one week. I then went to the Mooseycheesemuffin Restraunt. Bob and I had the same as last time. But then it happened. There were 50 EMPs and only 2 EMPKs. We were outnumbered and outfishied. They stormed in and started doing their stupid box thingy once again. That just made me mad; as mad as a moose who sees a cheese covered Muffinman. I pulled out a big Algebra book and started to kill them by reading algebraic equations. That made them even worse. They then tried, poorly I might add, to climb and invisible rope. I was, along with Bob, so scared I peed my pants, and said, “Nooooooooooooo, not that, anything but that. Fortunately, I had a spare mime eating binder left from the Really Big Carnival Thingy. What a relief, now I could sit back, eat my cheese sandwich- mmmmmmm, cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeese- and enjoy the melodic sound of mime eating binders doing their job. Uh oh. 3 mimes got away. Cowie, Bob, and I chased after them.

“You won’t get away this time,” I yelled. “Wait, I know. I can attract them by singing their favorite song ‘Monkey Go Poof’.” And so I sang and sang and sang and sang and sang and sang till I had to stop and take breather. Both my team and the mimes waited until I had my breath back. After 30 minutes I asked the others if they wanted to watch a movie. They responded with a gracious and humble yes. So I took them all to see Barney (the stupid guy in a dinosaur costume finally stops singing ‘I love you’ and starts to work on Sesame Street).

“It got two thumbs down. It’s supposed to be really stupid. So what are you waiting for, let’s go in.” When we get in, we are the only people there and the mimes say in sign language, “Lets sit in the front row and look up the entire time.” We all agree to this, of course. The movie starts and we start booing for no reason what so ever. Barney says, “Can I be on Sesame Street.” And that weird red thing called- oh, what is his name. It ends in o, but I can’t remember the other letters. Oh yeah, Elmo- Elmo says, “OK” Then, the movie ends. We all say, “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. That was the best Barney movie ever.” After we get our picture taken with Barney, Cowie kamikazes the mimes, killing herself. Bob and I say, “Awwwwww, Cowie died. Yaaaaaaaaay, she killed those stupid mute mimes.”

“Squack”

“Who said that?”

“I did”

“Oh ok”

Now that it was only Bob and I, we had to make do with out a companion. As long as we could just kill the EMP leader, we could go into an early retirement. We thought ‘yay’, no more stupid work. After we thought about that a little more, we went to a bathroom. We really needed the break. I was cleaning my hands when I noticed that a mime was in stall number 4. So you now what we did? We took him to a BSB concert, and boy did he scream. All he did was scream the whole time. After like thirty minutes of screaming, the singers stopped singing to kick the idiot to death. The group made t bucks from that concert. “Finally they might stop singing now that they know they suck,” Bob said.

“I ain’t afraid of no boy band”

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha no.

“What you talkin’ ’bout Willis. Show me the money! Aye carumba! I wish I could make up an awesome catch phrase like those,” I said. “Well maybe one day you will,” said Bob. Back to the story now. After that awful BSB concert, we had one last dinner at the Mooseycheesmuffin Restraunt. I say it was my last, because it got blown up after what happened next. What happened in the Mooseycheesemuffin was so undescribingly awful that I have to say one thing, “Put your kids away and never let them out until half an hour after I finish this part of the story. Thank you for your cooperation.”

Now, when I say scary, I mean SCARY. I started off with a moose sandwich, and Bob had a cheese sandwich. While we were eating our sandwiches, one thousand EMPs entered the room and totally thrashed the place. See I told you it was scary. Well, as you should have already figured out, we tried to kill all the mimes we could but they kept coming back to life somehow. But then I noticed a sudden UFC- an unidentified flying candy-flying through the air. It killed every single mime with the exception of one, the leader of the EMPs. He was the biggest mime I had ever seen, not to mention the ugliest one, too. He had two heads, one good, and one bad. The good one said, “I am happy,” and the bad one said, “I am not happy.” So the bad one killed the good one, which also killed the mime. “Yay” we said, “no more stupid mimes. Now we get an early retirement.” And we riverdanced the night away. “And so ended the evil killing spree of those stupid mimes. So what do you think? Was it a good life or what?” I asked.

“Mr. Dwagalad,” Jeff said, ” nowhere in your incoherent babbling did you even get close to a good life story. I mean, even an idiot could make up an average story, but you actually did all this stuff. I’m just appalled.” Jeff went on and on and on and on until I killed him too; he started looking like a mime.

The moral of this story is that you should never go to a restraunt called the Mooseycheesemuffin.

The

End

‘Yay’

Stories

Applications In Space

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The sweat dripped off my fingers and into the cracks. “Not again,” I thought. I could hear my heart thumping with a quickening pace. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Was it really a prompt? It sure didn’t prompt me to do anything but want to leave. The floor creaked. “Who’s there?” I yelled, but I don’t wait for an answer. I knew who was there. I quickly drew out my blaster and blew the door to hell. “That would do it,” I told myself as I slowly turned back to the screen, but I knew there was nothing I could do. There was no time, so I did to the screen what I do to anything else that I don’t have time for: I put my fist in it. The glass shards ripped through my hand like razorblades. For some reason I thought it was made of plastic. It didn’t matter much; you only need one finger to pull a trigger. I stood up and kicked over my desk, just for effect.

“Oh my gosh! What happened to your hand?” she asked, stepping over the trilorg carcass. “College essays,” I said, nodding to the overturned desk. Of course she wanted to look at my hand. She always acted like she was a doctor. “Well that glass has gotta go,” Glenn said, rubbing her chin. I smiled and told her to warn the others about the trilorgs. Murderous eight foot tall creatures that feast on brains were not something easily forgotten. These college applications were a curse, they swelled my brain. I thought my head must have looked like a big supple ham to them. I looked up, something was moving around on the floor above us. She heard it too. “Isn’t that the bridge above us?” she asked. She was right, they were probably flying us right to some trilorg slaughterhouse. “We’re wasting time, just go!” I yell. I wasn’t this nervous since last Thursday… the last time this happened. The circumstances were different. This carnage was supplemental. She ran out the rear airlock and I heard a muffled scream, then the sound of a bone saw. They were hungrier than I thought. That didn’t give me much time; they were probably planning to eat us all now, on our own ship. I jumped out the airlock and pumped three ounces of plasma into the trilorg. Glenn’s brain was exposed… that just did it. I kicked the trilorg’s remaining teeth in and headed towards the bridge.

I was blasting trilorgs left and right. You could hear the burning plasma rip into their bodies and come out the other side. My gun soon overloaded and died, that was inevitable. I kicked a few in the jaw as I made my way over to the main control panel to do what I had come there to do. I smashed down the ship’s self destruct button, that seemed to have the word “SUBMIT” on it, with my bloody fist and muttered, “See you all in hell.”

The ship groaned and shook, but no explosion came. I cursed under my breath. I must have forgotten some field… I searched the panel for a red asterix, but I ended up finding a few on my chest from the trilorgs’ blasters. One of them said something like, “Don’t move, human.” I could hear the whir of a bone saw behind me. Another one moved past me and tapped some commands into the panel. They were locking all the airlocks on the ship. “That’ll stop these pesky interruptions,” the trilorg said. Just then it clicked: all of the trilorgs had to be right here with me on the bridge. I slid my hand down to my belt. A trilorg shot my arm off. Through the immense pain I could hear them laughing and fighting over the fresh meat. With the diversion going, I whipped my other hand to my belt and unloaded three high explosive plasma grenades and smiled. “Eat up.” I said, tossing one in each mouth.

I woke up with a start, dried saliva on the corner of my mouth, my computer screen intact. “Crap,” I thought. The prompt is still there blinking incessantly. Nothing done, again.

Stories

Moose D. Cloun and the Evil Dr. Muffin

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Chapter 1 Moose D. Cloun

The year is 1996. We are in a small town outside of New York,

the site of a small traveling circus. Let’s go inside…

 

“I want to hear them LAUGH!!! Got that Moose?! I want to hear them laugh so hard their stomachs come out their mouths….. literally! Okay?!” yells the Circus Manager.

“Duh, should I make a cheeeeese joke, coach?” asks Moose.

“Yeah, whatever,” mumbles Coach.

“Duh, oh happy day,” says Moose

Moose enters the ring. Everyone “boos” loudly, but Moose still has the same dumb expression on his face, his eyes glazed over, and his tongue hanging out. He runs right into the diving board ladder and bounces over to the tiger cage where he slams his face right between the bars. (This was not in the act!) Moose starts screaming as the tiger eats his fake nose, takes a bite out of his hat, and when it was about to devour moose’s right ear, Moose gets out. The crowd is roaring with laughter. Moose then stumbles around until he remembers what he is supposed to be doing.

“Duh, oh yeah, why did the chicken cross the road?” says Moose.

“Why?” the whole crowd says at once.

“Knockity knock knock!”

“Who’s there?” yells the crowd together.

“Gaaa! Who’s there!” yells Moose.

By the time Moose was going to sing his song, everyone was either gone or leaving.

“Duh, where did everybody go?” says Moose after his act was over, “I wanted to do my cheeeeese joke!”

” They’re all gone,” says the Coach, “oh well… To the next hopeless town, Moose!”

“Duh, oh boy! Maybe I’ll get to say my cheese joke!” says Moose happily.

“Yeah, whatever, I need some new clowns,” mumbles the coach.

Chapter 2 The Cheese Mafia

Now we travel to an abandoned warehouse somewhere in Texas…

There is a cute little squirrel sitting at a table. Across from him is Dr. Muffin, a mad scientist bent on global domination. In front of him is Squack, the normal one.

“Soon I will rule the world! Hah, ha, ha, ha , ha, ha, ha, and ha!! I just need one more piece for my giant cheese Electro magnet! Then, once I have all the cheese in the world, my plan will be complete! Mwah ha, ha! Ha! Ha!…..ha!” laughs Dr. Muffin. “The only problem is how to get a 30 ft lima bean……… I mean a clown that likes cheese…”

“Um, sir, maybe I could be of assistance,” says Squack, “I know of this certain traveling circus. I think it might have the perfect clown for us. His name is Moose D. Cloun. He is smart enough to breathe, but that’s about it. He’ll never suspect a thing.”

“Hmmm, I like it… Yes perfect! Ha!” laughs Dr. Muffin

All of a sudden Squack and Dr. Muffin start laughing, “HAAH, HAA, HAA!!!! HA, HA, HAAAAAA!!!! Hee, hee…….HAAAA!!!! HA, HA, HA, HA….” And so on.

Little do Dr. Muffin and Squack know, but the cute little squirrel (named Moo) had sneaked out. Don’t worry, Moo has big eyes, that means he’s good.

Chapter 3 Why?

You may be asking who is Moose? Well, he is a clown. Got it? Okay, you may also be wondering why Dr. Muffin needs a clown for his magnet. Well he just does. I hope that answers your questions!

Chapter 4 Moose says Moo

“Moo,” says Moose.

Chapter 5 Moose Meets Moo

Moo runs as fast as he can. He has to warn someone of Dr. Muffin’s plan! (Wow, that rhymes. I have a lot of dimes. I use them to buy wind chimes. Ha, ha! Oh, uh, back to the story.) Moo runs and runs. Finally he sees a giant tent with red and white stripes.

“There must be people in there!” thinks Moo.

Moose was just in the middle of ruining the third act when he saw the little squirrel run into the ring. Moose at once knew something was wrong. He rushed over to the squirrel and listened to what it had to say:

“Squeak- chatter!” says Moo

“Someone’s been stealing your acorns? I’m sorry to hear that little squirrel,” says Moose.

“Chatter- squeak!!”

“What, there’s more? …You say there is an evil doctor? And he’s going to- Wait a minute, does this have anything to do with 30ft lima beans? No? Okay sorry. He has a giant cheese Electro magnet and he’s going to do WHAT with it?!! Not that! He can’t! No! Nooooooooo!!!!!” screams Moose, “Duh, what are you still doing here?………………….Oh, right. Tip.”

Chapter 6 Evil People

Back to the warehouse…

“There is just one problem, Squack. How do we persuade this clown to come with us?” Asks Dr. Muffin.

“Um, sir, maybe I could be of assistance,” says Squack, “You see, I have these connections-”

“What kind of connections,” asks Dr. Muffin.

“Well you see-”

“See what, I don’t see anything.”

“Well I have these-”

“These what? Speak up!”

” Well you see! Sir! I have these connections with the-”

“With the what?”

“Sir would you please let me finish!!”

“Okay, fine, have it your way. Nyah. You think you’re so cool, mumble mumble, mumble..”

“Well the point is, I have these connections with the WWF.”

“Hmm, what kind of ‘connections’, Squack?”

“I am very good friends with (dun, don, duunn!!) ‘THE ROCK’.”

“Gasp!”

“Yes, it is pretty impressive.”

“Yep.”

“Yep.”

“Yep.”

“………………Yep.”

“Alright, shut-up.”

Chapter 7 Battle Scars for Hollywood Stars

We are now on a giant black cruise ship. It has big red fangs on the front. The sort of ship only very evil people would have. Guess who is aboard? That’s right, none other than (dun, dun, duunnn!!) the evil Dr. Muffin!!! (Evil guitar solo.) Okay, that’s where we are……….yep. Okay. Right.

Dr. Muffin and ‘The Rock” are talking business. I don’t mean good business, I mean bad business. Real bad. In fact, it’s so bad it’s evil. Very evil. Yes.

“The Rock is a Hollywood wrestler, exclaims The Rock! The Rock is a star, yells The Rock!” yells the Rock, “Why would The Rock want to do something stupid like that, questions? This angers The Rock!!”

The Rock breaks off a leg of the nearest table.

“You will pay for your insolence!!” shouts the Rock in a Darth Vader kind of voice.

He is using the leg as a kind of bat.

Dr. Muffin is hiding behind Squack. He is holding him like a shield from the Rock.

“Please don’t hurt me!” squeals Dr. Muffin.

“I am going to rip off your arm off and beat you to death with it, yells The Rock!” shouts the Rock, “I am going to do to you what I did to that table, shouts The Rock! The Rock says that he is going to squeeze you so hard your guts come out of –”

“Okay, okay! I get the point already!” says Dr. Muffin, ” Sheesh!”

Just then the Rock let out a viscous war cry and slammed the leg on Squack’s head. It launched him off the ship and into the water. Immediately after Squack hits the water a giant 747 crashes right on top of him. Then both the plane and Sqack sink down

down

down.

“Now that was a freak accident,” says Dr. Muffin.

“Yeah… weird,” says the Rock.

Suddenly Dr. Muffin remembered the bazooka he kept in his back pocket. He pulled it out and pointed it at the Rock.

“Okay buddy it’s my way or the freeway…… or something,” says Dr. Muffin.

“Okay, okay. The Rock will kidnap the clown for you,” says the Rock.

“Good, good…Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!” laughs Dr. Muffin.

Chapter 8 Achoo (gezuntight)

We find Moose in New York, walking up and down the streets

looking for Dr. Muffin. He is mumbling to himself:

“Mumble, mumble, mumble… duh, guhh, umm, mumble, mumble. Giant cheese Electro magnet. Lima bean. Whee! Sledding on pudding.”

He walks in front of a weird shop called:

THE I.T.C.H.

Hippie Heaven

-It’s Quacktastic!-

A man with purple glasses, long hair, and flowers on his clothes jumped out and said:

“Whoa, dude! Are you some sort of hippie master? Whoa! All bow down! Whoa!”

“Duh, my name is Goose, no Moose. He, I, someone is looking for- I like cheese,” said Moose.

“Whoa… uh, cool. I’m Achoo. This, my friend, is the I.T.C.H. The International Thing for Cool Hippies. We like flowers and stuff… it’s fun.”

“Oh right… there’s something I need to tell you.”

“What?”

“Don’t do drugs.”

“No, seriously. I am a hippie.”

“Duh, okay.”

“Quack!”

“Where’d that come from?!”

“Excuse me. Duh, do you know where a phone is?”

“There’s a payphone right around the corner.”

“Corn- ear?”

“That way.”

Chapter 9 Payphone Rage

Moose walks up to the payphone.

“Dang, no shiny thingys,” says Moose, “Got to find 35 c’s.”

“Anyperson gots any c’s?!!”yells Moose.

A burglar that was stealing an old lady purse yelled back:

“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? DID YOU SAY YOU WANTED A ‘C’? SHUT- UP!”

“Umm, I need thirty- five c’s so I can make a phone call.”

“Oh, you need thirty- five cents,” said the burglar.

“No, actually, I need thirty- five c’s.”

“Well, um… take this shiny thingy and this other shiny thing. Hello! Duh, I’m an idiot! Duhhh! Duh! Duh! Duh!”

Moose is angry. (You would be too!)

“Argh! PAYPHONE RAGE!!!” screams Moose. Moose starts kicking the phone, “Ow!” Moose is jumping around in circles screaming and looking like a complete idiot, “Duh, stupid phone!” says Moose as he spanked the phone.

Moose dials a number.

Chapter 10 Squack Returns

“Um, hello?” says Moose.

“Hello, this is ‘We Let You Borrow a Car then You Give it Back to Us Later Along with Fifty Dollars Place’, how may I help you?”

“Duh, I want to rent a car,” says Moose.

“Okay, we’ll have one there in less than five minutes, or your money back!”

“Um, okay,” thinks Moose.

After about five minutes a car pulled up and a man covered in bandages stepped out. Moose is still on the phone.

“Did you ask for a car?” asks the man.

“Duh, yeah,” says Moose, still talking into the phone.

“Well take it.”

“Um… okay…”

Moose tries to get into the phone by the coin slot.

“Are you looking for the evil Dr. Muffin?” asks the man.

“Um, yes,” says Moose in a nervous voice.

“He’s in Meanietown, Texas in an abandoned warehouse.”

“Uh, thank you…”

“What?! I don’t look that weird with all these bandages do I?”

“No… of course not… Uh, thanks again.”

“I’m Squack. A plane fell on me. Here,” says Squck as he hands Moose a bomb belt, “Take this.”

“Okay, bye.”

Moose drives off, “Don’t do drugs,” Moose says to himself.

A Porsche skids out in front of Moose and slows down a lot so Moose slams into it. Then it drives off.

“Duh, hey! That wasn’t very nice!” says Moose, “Do not try to get away- ‘resistance is futile’!”

Uh, oh! The after affects of payphone rage- ROAD RAGE!

Chapter 11 I am The Rock

We find The Rock at a wrestling game in Hollywood fighting “Mr. Happy Guy”

“I am going to win states The Rock!” states The Rock.

“Yeah? Well I’ve just got one question for you,” says Mr. Happy Guy, “Do you like my costume? I just love pink!”

The Rock’s cell phone rings.

“Yeah, whatever. Hang on, I’ve got a call,” says The Rock as he picks up his phone, “Hello?”

“What are you doing?! You’re supposed to be kidnapping that clown!”

“Oh, hi Doctor. Yeah, I’m working on it. Okay. What? Fired? Why you- oh well… Okay, bye,” says the Rock, “Argh! That guy makes me angry exclaims The Rock!” exclaims The Rock.

“Hey, maybe we should talk this over, or have a group hug… uh- oh,” says Mr. Happy Guy.

The Rock picks up Mr. Happy Guy and throws him far out into the crowd.

“The winner!” shouts the announcer, holing up The Rock’s arm.

Chapter 12 New Allies

We find Moose on a main street trying to shove the Porsche driver’s head into his exhaust pipe

A monster truck pulls up next to Moose. The Rock steps out of the car.

“Ahhh!!!” screams the Porsche driver, “Okay! I give up! Take the car! Ahhh!!!”

“Okay, bye,” says Moose.

“Okay Moose! The Rock states that we are going to get that Dr. Muffin! The Rock argues that no one fires The Rock! Right, questions The Rock! Let’s go, Moose!” shouts The Rock.

The Rock takes out a giant chaingun and starts shooting it in the air like a maniac. He is screaming and foaming at the mouth.

“Uh- oh… PYCHO!” thinks Moose.

They both speed off to Dr. Muffin’s hideout.

Chapter 13 Hideout

Moose and The Rock pull up to the warehouse (Dr. Muffin’s hideout). There is one guard in front

of the warehouse. He has a monkey puppet on his hand. The puppet is holding a little spear.

The guard is throwing his voice so that it sounds like the monkey is talking. It talks in a voice exactly like Elmo (from Seasame Street). We can hear the monkey talking: “Well personally, I think a giant cheese Electro magnet is a wonderful idea!” says the monkey.

“I still don’t see how getting all the cheese on Earth is going to get him to rule the world. Also, why does he need a clown?” asks the guard, “What does that have to do with an Electro magnet? And how does the magnet attract cheese? How does- ”

“Oh shut up! You see it all works like this-”

The monkey stops talking and looks at Moose, who has just gotten out of the car and walked up to the guard.

“- Halt! You can’t go in there! Go away!”

“Duh, umm. Um, duh umm, umm. Uhhh…-”

“What the clown is trying to say,” says The Rock, “is…. Die!!!!”

The Rock takes out his chaingun and – ***

” – I is a person that Dr. Muffin wants to see… yes,” says Moose.

“Oh! Well why didn’t you say so! Right this way!” replies the monkey.

The guard leads Moose up to Dr. Muffin’s office.

“Ahh, Moose! I see you have come just as I suspected,” says Dr. Muffin in an evil voice.

“You knew that?!” says Moose, astonished.

“Well, um, OF COURSE! I am The Brilliant Dr. Muffin!”

“I thought it was the Evil Dr. Muffin.”

“Well, it was… but now it’s not!”

“Oh,” says Moose, “Let me ponder this for a while…”

____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

*** Whoops! got a little carried away, there! I had to edit that part out, too violent. The Rock has left to go fight “Stone Cold”.

Chapter 14 Ponder

Ponder…

Chapter 15 Boom Ha, Ha

“Moose it is time for you to go into my giant cheese Electro magnet so I can rule the world!” yells Dr. Muffin.

Moose knows what he must do. He has to set off the bomb once he is inside the magnet.

Dr. Muffin leads him to an enormous magnet. They walk up to the door. Dr. Muffin is about to push Moose in, whet Moose takes off the bomb belt from under his shirt. He shoves Dr. Muffin in and throws in the belt after him.

The bomb is about to go off! Moose was planning on running away, but instead he just stands there and laughs at Dr. Muffin.

“HA, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!”

The bomb goes off and Moose, Dr. Muffin, and the guard all die.

THE WORLD IS SAVED!

Yay!

Chapter 16 Stuff

The Rock-

“I am the rock, states The Rock!” states The Rock! “AHHH, HA HA, HA, HA!!!”

The Writer-

Hello! Nya, nya, nya!

Lists

30 Things to Do On an Exam When You Know That You Are Going To Fail

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1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.

6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

8. Come down with a BAD case of Turret’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Fuck this!” and walk out triumphantly.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e.. threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math / sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

24. Masturbate.

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up!

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blackened out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”

29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question. Ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him or her.

Lists

26 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

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1) When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8 ) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, “Did you feel that?”

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay. Don’t panic, they open up again.”

15) Swat at flies that don’t exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, “group hug!”, then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?”

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM!” and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I have new socks on.”

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space!”

Lists

You Know You’re Sick When…

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You know you’re sick when…

– you vomit and the vomit mysteriously spells, “fart.”

– you are butt-fucking a goat in the backyard while your mom and the whole neighborhood is watching you, regularly.

– you watch, “I Love Lucy” and fall in love with Ricky and the way he bongs on his bongos and can’t stop thinking how he’d bong your bongos.

– you think the Home Alone Series is intellectual and educational, and your favorite part is when Kevin’s mom screams.

– you have the game “Shaq-Fu” for SEGA Genesis

– you say “cheek cheeky boom boom” when you get arrested when they say, “whatever you say can and will be used in a court of law.”

– you get up in the morning and feel like reading the Encyclopedia Brittanica from A-Z with all the special issues and add-ons for the 5th time in 3 days.

– you throw marshmallows at someone you have a crush on

– you play Bingo with yourself and shout, “BINGO!!” when you get it, you also live with 4 friends that now think your crazy.

– you think a cool thing to do is to dangle a cap from a string and hypnotize people.

– you think walking into a church naked is a funny prank, but even better, is walking into a nudist’s church with clothes on.

– you eat your intestine as a bedtime snack.

– you stick pencils up every hole in your body and run through town, naked, with the pencils in your holes, screaming, “I’m a walrus!”

– you get bees up your pants regularly.

– you pelt yourself, and other people, with pudding every Sunday.

– you use “what is the name of your telephone number” for a pickup line.

– you beat dogs, just cause they show their butthole to the whole world and still “smile.”

—

You know someone in your family is really sick when…

– the telephone rings and your teenaged daughter doesn’t feel well enough to run and answer it.

– you offer to take your wife shopping for a new dress and she doesn’t feel well enough to get of bed.

– you visit your mother-in-law and she’s too sick to even talk.

– you give away your tickets to the Super Bowl because you feel too ill to go to the game.

– your seven-year-old stays in the house all day and is good as gold.

– your teenaged son gives you back the keys to the car and tells you he’s going to bed instead of to the drive-in on Saturday night.