Category Archives: Stories

Funny stories.

Stories, Fairy Tales

The Unloved Manatees vs. The Child Molester Penguins

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In the North Pole, there were two rival gangs.  The Unloved Manatees “ruled the seas” and the Child Molester Penguins “ruled the ice.”

In reality, all this takes place on a little iceberg island independent of Santa Claus’ tyrannical reign called The Peninsula of the Eye.  It wasn’t even a peninsula and nothing about its geological or geographical features suggested it was an eye.

Gang war after gang war was fought and many-a-manatee’s blood soiled the seas, and many-a-child-molester-penguin soiled the ice.

What these warring factions didn’t know was there was a horror trapped beneath The Peninsula of the Eye that needed just the right amount of manatee blood, penguin blood, ice, sea water, and eel droppings to regain its ultimate power.

It was Santa Claus’ secret weapon, the Electrosucker!  Except he wanted to keep it a secret and didn’t think that the right concoction of ingredients would ever unintentionally be in the vicinity of the weapon.

So, it created a lot of explosions.  The Peninsula of the Eye sunk into the sea.  The Peninsula of the Eye was the entrance to this secret weapon and it would be really inconvenient to get into without it.

So, Santa Claus’ electricity bills went up really high and Santa Claus was really pissed off that he was stupid enough to hook up his secret energy draining machine into his own power grid.

Moral of the story:  Buy energy-saving secret doomsday weapons.

Stories, Fairy Tales

The Attractive Mother-In-Law Temptation

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I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. So before I got married and committed life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

So, she said, “I’ll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.” I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door… I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn’t have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car!

Stories

Bird Watching and Vice-Versa

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Bird watching can be more fun than a barrel of fish.  Our hairy feathered friends are everywhere, waiting to be watched.  An interesting bird to start with is the Creamy Oriole, which builds its nest in shit trees.  Early in spring we hear the Oriole give its mating call, which sounds like this: “slurp, slurp.”  Then the male and female get together and fuck.  Later the female lays 69 eggs.  Isn’t that stimulating?  Another fascinating bird is the Three-Breasted Nuthatch.  The Nuthatch is very tame.  He will fly down and land right on your rubber, and eat out of your dick.  Other birds to watch out for are the Red-Crested Ass, the Red-Necked Thrush and the Yellow-Bellied Tit Sucker.  Now that you know something about birds – get out there and watch!

Stories

Weather Report

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Here is tomorrow’s weather report for Iraq and vicinity.  Early tomorrow a tit front will collide with a mass of hot cum moving from the north.  This means we can expect Blowing winds and occasional orgasms by late afternoon.  Wind velocity will be 69 mph and the high temperature should be around 98.6 degrees.  So, if you’re going out, you’d better wear a bra.

Stories

Stupid Health Story

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Jonas Peters lay on the playing field, clutching his leg in pain.  The trainer, Mrs. Sudiro, grabbed her first aid kit and ran out to Jonas.  She checked to see if he had a break in a bone, called a donkey.  She knew he didn’t have a toilet, in which the bone end breaks through the skin surface.  Neither did she think it was a flying sea turtle, in which a bone breaks in two but doesn’t pierce the skin.  Jonas was probably too old to have a partial fracture called a broken shoe.  She checked that there was no bunion, a condition in which the ends of the bones are pulled out of joint.  Mrs. Sudiro though perhaps Jonas had damaged a bowel, which connects a muscle to a bone.  Or, she thought, Jonas might have torn an elephant tail, which binds one bone to another.  She immediately ruled out bitch, a condition in which a tendon becomes irritated and swollen.  Neither did it seem that Jonas had Bob Saget in his ankle or knee.  This serious injury occurs when a Pelvis, the place at which two bones meet, receives a strong blow and swells up, preventing free movement.  In many cases, the damaged scoliosis must be surgically removed.

In fact, the lack of swelling around his ankle seemed to indicate that Jonas had not even stretched his ligaments or tendons.  Thus Mrs. Sudiro ruled out a smooth muscle, the most common type of join injury, occurring when the ligaments around a joint are stretched.  Since Jonas didn’t appear to have damaged joints, Mrs. Sudiro examined his leg for possible muscle injuries.  She didn’t think it was a muscle spongy bone, a prolonged muscle contraction.  She felt that it was either a Mr. Poop, a rip of the muscle fiber, or a Mr. Happy, also called a pulled muscle.  She thought Jonas might have injured a vertebrae muscle.  This which ruled out and injury to muscle strain muscle.  Mrs. Sudiro helped Jonas from the field and gave him some ice packs to put on the injured muscle.  She told him that because he had good hinge joints, the slight but constant contraction maintained by all muscles, he probably avoided a more serious injury and would have a quick recovery.

Stories

Johnny Hotfoot Adventures: Staple My Ass

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This entry is part 1 of 1 in the series Johnny Hotfoot Adventures

Hi. My name is Johnny Hotfoot, and I work for Satan.

I get paid minimum wage of $7 an hour. That’s the going rate in Hell right now. There’s probably not going to be any increase in it for a while, but hey, I get by.

Now you’re probably wondering who I am, how I died and what I do for a living to get paid $7 an hour in Hell.

Well, I was one of those guys that walked on hot coal, hence the name Johnny Hotfoot. I was a freak at one of those circuses, because I had very large callouses on my feet. I’ve walked on about 300 miles on hot burning coal. You can’t imagine how hard it is to find a decent pair of shoes.

I died because as I was walking on coal, a portal to Hell opened up and I fell in. It doesn’t happen usually, but that time I died. Now, I’m Satan’s “special guy.”  I go and do “special things” for him. Now you’re probably wondering “Why the Hell do I care?” But, you’ll care. Because I’m going to tell you about my zany adventures in a very very long running series on the best site on the internet, Squackle.com!

–

So, its morning.  The huge ball of fire’s dark and evil light shone through my windows.  I live in a one bedroom apartment in the ghetto of Hell.  Its not necessarily a bad place, but since about half of the people in Hell are rich, they live in a house that is as big as the Earth.

Hell is not a physical place.  It is a spiritual one, and in the spirit world, everything is different.  There is an endless amount of space and you can do whatever you want.  Except go to Heaven.  No one likes it up there.  You wear dresses and everything and everybody is white.  Its almost like the Puritan’s America, but with clouds and instead of dinky hats, they have halos floating around.

At about 10:00 AM Satan gave me a call on my Hell phone, the Hell version of the Cell Phone.  Not many people know this, but AT&T Wireless supplies us with our phone service.  They, dare I say, signed a deal with the devil.  Hahahaha I crack myself up.

Anywho, Satan said, “yo my bro dawg diggity, go on down to the licka store and buy me some Rolaids.  I got massive heart freeze here, my bro dawg diggity.  Peace out.”  So, I went to the liquor store.

As I was walking in, a group of demons were playing around with some staple guns they bought from the liquor store.  Lucky me, one of the staples strayed and hit me in the ass.  “Ah! Sonuva BITCH!” I yelled as I held my ass.  “Who the FUCK do you think you’re dealin with here, I’m going to rape you all you fucking cocksucking demon stupid ass WHORES!” So I took out my long John and wrapped them up with it.  They couldn’t get away now.

“Oh fuck! You really did it this time Fred!  You’re gonna get us raped and beaten!” One of the demon’s yelled.

 

And so I did.

 

Then, after I finished up, I got some Rolaids for Satan, and gave them to him.  He thanked me.

 

Don’t Do Drugs

 

The End.

Stories, Fairy Tales

Dan is a CPA

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Dan is a CPA.  He is a good CPA.  He spent 20 years of his life in school to become a CPA.  He got a job with the United States government, and he did CPA-ing to its finest.

He was nominated for best CPA at the CPA-award giving awards.  But he lost to some other guy named Fernando, cause Fernando was a Mexican and Dan was white.

So, one day, some of Fernando’s rabid fans threw copious amounts of tequila on his front lawn, and set Dan’s house on fire.

Dan lost his home.

The next day, Dan was called into his boss’ office, and his boss fired him because he had nowhere to send his checks and he doesn’t want homeless people working for him.

Dan was banned from CPA-ing ever again.  So, he borrowed money from the mafia and he didn’t pay back his loan and they broke his skull.

Moral:  Get Direct Deposit.

Stories

Three iPods for Free?

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Ok, so this guy wanted to give me three iPods for free, and I was like what foo?  You ain’t gettin no I’s with pods meaning you ain’t gettin no iPods for free even if you were about to die from cancer or even if your penis were to fall off in the next 300 seconds and all of a sudden your intestines stopped working and released all your excretories onto my face and then bounced up and killed your friends, my manager, and the iPods you were trying to get.

Stories, Fairy Tales

The Magical Dishwasher

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One day a garbage collector, who was a female, was working, collecting garbage.

When she got to the old blue house, she exclaimed “why is there a dishwasher in front of this old blue house?”

Little did she know, the dishwasher was a magical dishwasher.  Once she held the dishwasher in her hands to put it in the garbage truck, it began to glow!

The dishwasher opened up and plates and cups began to float in the air, all sparkly clean.

“My, oh my, I wish my dishes were this clean after putting them in my dishwasher!”  Unfortunately for the garbage collector, the dishes surrounded her and began to take control of her body.  The dishwasher sucked her in, along with all the dishes, and the garbage truck.

Suddenly, the dishwasher turned into a large demon robot.  “My name is John Ramses!” the large robot exclaimed.  “And through political lobbying I will acquire all the waste contracts for LA County and make John Ramses the number one trash and waste power in the world!”

John Ramses picked up his demon robot briefcase and walked in the nearest City Hall, and slowly worked on his trash-picking empire.  By 2015, John Ramses had overtaken all the contracts in the world.

Moral of the story: Don’t take things that aren’t yours.

Stories, Fairy Tales

Hcaz and Ikik

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Once upon a time, yee yonders ago, ok maybe it was last week…BUT ANYWAYS!  There was a big, green, sharp tooth T-Rex named Hcaz Lizard.  Hcaz didn’t have many friends because whenever he tried to have a conversation with the other dinosaurs he would “RAWR” loudly, but Hcaz couldn’t help it.  He was just born with a loud Rawr.

So, Hcaz usually scared all the other dinosaurs away.  Everyone though Hcaz was a bloodthirsty, meat-loving T-Rex but in fact he was the very opposite of that.  he loved to eat herbs, grass, trees, and vegetables.  Hcaz didn’t believe in killing animals to eat, plus it was too messy with all the blood everywhere.

One day while Hcaz was sleeping, a vegetarian thief stole all the veggies, herbs, grass, and trees.  All the other dinosaurs rejoiced because they hated that stuff.  When Hcaz woke up, he was hungry as usual and decided to eat a tree.  He set out to find a delicious looking tree, but there were none left!  🙁

Hcaz was heartbroken and didn’t know what to do.  All the other dinosaurs were happy because since Hcaz had no more food he would soon die.

One of the toddler dinosaurs named Ikik felt bad for Hcaz, she didn’t want him to die.  Hcaz has been in his cave since the disappearance of his food, so one day Ikik decided to give Hcaz a piece of her meat, she set out on a journey to Hcaz’s cave.

When she arrived, she was scared.  But she knew she had to do it.  Hcaz was sleeping when he heard her footsteps.  Usually Hcaz would have said “Leave me alone!” but he was too sad.

Ikik told Hcaz, “I brought you meat, you need to eat!”  Hcaz said in a loud “Rawr”: “NO, but thanks!”

Ikik was scared because it sounded like thunder but she knew he was nice because he said thanks.  Ikik began talking to him and he still had a loud rawr, but she understood why.  Hcaz and Ikik talked and talked until she had to go home, but she said she would come back tomorrow.  From that day on Ikik and Hcaz were good friends all because of a piece of meat.  Until Hcaz died of starvation, that is.

The End.

Moral of the story: If you’re a vegetarian and you have to eat meat to survive, maybe you should.

Stories

The Barbarian

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Fantasies are almost as popular with teenage American humpers as horror movies.  My favorite was Pooinaspark the Barbarian, starring Arnold Anderson.  Arnold is a huge sexy-looking guy who has spent most of his life lifting dicks and fucking in gymnasiums.

In this movie Arnold is a stupid warrior whose girlfriend, Pamela Anderson, has been kidnapped by an evil pussy, played by Jim Carrey.  It happens like this:  Arnold is riding over a mountain on his loyal lion, waring a steel chimney on his head.  Suddenly he meets a beautiful girl wearing a stupid gown.  Her name is Pamela Anderson and she is Queen of San Francisco.  Arnold falls dick over pussy in love with her.

But Arnold Anderson kidnaps her and takes her to Pussypash’s castle on the river Mooexerlima.

Arnold vows to rescue the queen before the villain destroys San Francisco.  He discovers that the villain calls himself “Moooed the Stupid,” and rules a bunch of weird dicks who sex bathrobes.  Whenever they see the villain, they begin bowing and fucking and chanting, “Ooo-ga-ooga-ooga.”  The villain sends his sexy bodyguards out to get Arnold.  They throw their dicks at him, but he ducks.  They swing their stupid battle-axes at him, but he sidesteps.  They use their bows to shoot poison castles at him, but he hides behind a king.  Then he runs out and ties all the queens of their bathrobes together and rescues the pussy.  Everything ends fast for the good guys.

Stories

Hot Head

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This is a really sexy horror film because the heroine is a little 999-year-old girl played by Pamela Anderson who is the granddaughter of the famous old-time dick Jamal Anderson.  In this picture she can start fires by sending sexy vibrations out of the sexy part of her little brain.  She sets houses and automobiles and banks on fire and burns down several Barbies.  Then men from the defense department come and want to use her as a secret military Popsicle.  They tell her if she helps them they will give her a new moo moo to play with.  But she is too busy fucking down a Paris and French-frying Jim Carrey.  It all comes to an end when she gives up starting fires and decides to grow up and become a sexer.

Stories

Vacation

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A vacation is when you take a trip to some sexy place with your stupid family.  Usually you go to some place that is near a car or up on a head.  A good vacation is one where you can ride apes, or play sex, or go hunting for boobs.  I like to spend my time gargling or fucking.  When parents go on vacation, they spend their time eating three pizzas a day, and fathers play golf and mothers sit around sexing.  Last summer my little brother fell in a pussy and got poison Venus fly trap all over his dick.  My family is going to a strip club, and I will practice partying.  Parents need vacations more than kids because parents are always very sexy and because they have to work 69 hours every day all year making enough dicks to pay for the vacation.

Stories

Exploring Caves

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If you like to go fucking in stupid caves that are 248 feet underground, you should go to the gay Mammoth Caves located in a strip club.  Thousands of sexy boobs go there every summer.  Crawling about in caves is called “spelunking.”  And it is really a stupid sport.  But always go with a turdy guide so you won’t get lost.  Once in the cave, you will see beautiful purple and red rocks and crystals.  Huge lesbian-like things hang from the ceiling and are called “stalactites.”  Huge gay things jut up from the floor and are called “stalagmites.”  Caes are hom to millions of lesbian bats.  Bats can fly and look like stupid rats.  Spelunking is dangerous, so be sure to wear special shoes with bars on them and a hat with a battery-powered pen.