Hi. My name is Johnny Hotfoot, and I work for Satan.
I get paid minimum wage of $7 an hour. That’s the going rate in Hell right now. There’s probably not going to be any increase in it for a while, but hey, I get by.
Now you’re probably wondering who I am, how I died and what I do for a living to get paid $7 an hour in Hell.
Well, I was one of those guys that walked on hot coal, hence the name Johnny Hotfoot. I was a freak at one of those circuses, because I had very large callouses on my feet. I’ve walked on about 300 miles on hot burning coal. You can’t imagine how hard it is to find a decent pair of shoes.
I died because as I was walking on coal, a portal to Hell opened up and I fell in. It doesn’t happen usually, but that time I died. Now, I’m Satan’s “special guy.” I go and do “special things” for him. Now you’re probably wondering “Why the Hell do I care?” But, you’ll care. Because I’m going to tell you about my zany adventures in a very very long running series on the best site on the internet, Squackle.com!
So, its morning. The huge ball of fire’s dark and evil light shone through my windows. I live in a one bedroom apartment in the ghetto of Hell. Its not necessarily a bad place, but since about half of the people in Hell are rich, they live in a house that is as big as the Earth.
Hell is not a physical place. It is a spiritual one, and in the spirit world, everything is different. There is an endless amount of space and you can do whatever you want. Except go to Heaven. No one likes it up there. You wear dresses and everything and everybody is white. Its almost like the Puritan’s America, but with clouds and instead of dinky hats, they have halos floating around.
At about 10:00 AM Satan gave me a call on my Hell phone, the Hell version of the Cell Phone. Not many people know this, but AT&T Wireless supplies us with our phone service. They, dare I say, signed a deal with the devil. Hahahaha I crack myself up.
Anywho, Satan said, “yo my bro dawg diggity, go on down to the licka store and buy me some Rolaids. I got massive heart freeze here, my bro dawg diggity. Peace out.” So, I went to the liquor store.
As I was walking in, a group of demons were playing around with some staple guns they bought from the liquor store. Lucky me, one of the staples strayed and hit me in the ass. “Ah! Sonuva BITCH!” I yelled as I held my ass. “Who the FUCK do you think you’re dealin with here, I’m going to rape you all you fucking cocksucking demon stupid ass WHORES!” So I took out my long John and wrapped them up with it. They couldn’t get away now.
“Oh fuck! You really did it this time Fred! You’re gonna get us raped and beaten!” One of the demon’s yelled.
And so I did.
Then, after I finished up, I got some Rolaids for Satan, and gave them to him. He thanked me.
Don’t Do Drugs