Category Archives: Other Junk

Random junk that doesn’t go anywhere else.

Lists

The Top 10 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans

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10. We’re working on that smell thing, too.

9. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.

8. As seen on “COPS.”

7. If We’d Known You Were Staying All Night, We’d Have Changed the Sheets.

6. We left off the 9, but you know it’s there.

5. You rented the room, now buy the video.

4. We’ll leave Lysol for ya!

3. We don’t make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*

2. Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.

…and the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan…

1. We put the “Ho” in Motel.

Other Junk

The D-Fiance Bible

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In case you don’t know what this is, D-Fiance just “simplified” the bible. Not sure which testament it is, and if you care, you’d know if it was or not already, probably.

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1:1 The book of the generation of Jesus Christ, the son of David, the son of Abraham.

1:1T This is a long ass book from a long ass time ago about some dead guy and the son of 2 other dead guys.

1:2 Abraham begat Isaac; and Isaac begat Jacob; and Jacob begat Judah and his brethren;

1:2T Ok, one of the two old guys did something to Isaac Thomas, then Mr. Thomas did it to Jacoby, then Jacoby did it to Judass and Judass’s homeys! and that’s how STDs got started!

1:3 and Judah begat Perez and Zerah of Tamar; and Perez begat Hezron; and Hezron begat Ram;

1:3T and this is how we got crabs.

1:4 and Ram begat Amminadab; and Amminadab begat Nahshon; and Nahshon begat Salmon;

1:4T and how we got herpes

1:5 and Salmon begat Boaz of Rahab; and Boaz begat Obed of Ruth; and Obed begat Jesse;

1:5T and genital warts

1:6 and Jesse begat David the king.

1:6T AIDS…. These were a horny bunch…. Need I say more?

1:7 – 1:16 And David begat Solomon of her that had been the wife of Uriah; and Solomon begat Rehoboam; and Rehoboam begat Abijah; and Abijah begat Asa; and Asa begat Jehoshaphat; and Jehoshaphat begat Joram; and Joram begat Uzziah; and Uzziah begat Jotham; and Jotham begat Ahaz; and Ahaz begat Hezekiah; and Hezekiah begat Manasseh; and Manasseh begat Amon; and Amon begat Josiah; and Josiah begat Jechoniah and his brethren, at the time of the carrying away to Babylon. And after the carrying away to Babylon, Jechoniah begat Shealtiel; and Shealtiel begat Zerubbabel; and Zerubbabel begat Abiud; and Abiud begat Eliakim; and Eliakim begat Azor; and Azor begat Sadoc; and Sadoc begat Achim; and Achim begat Eliud; and Eliud begat Eleazar; and Eleazar begat Matthan; and Matthan begat Jacob; and Jacob begat Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called Christ.

1:7 – 1:16T Long story made short, these were a bunch of HORNY ASS bastards who wasted more baby oil on more orgies than ANYONE in the history of puberty!!

1:17 So all the generations from Abraham unto David are fourteen generations; and from David unto the carrying away to Babylon fourteen generations; and from the carrying away to Babylon unto the Christ fourteen generations.

1:17T So all the long ass times from the old guy to the other old guy, was 14 long ass times. and from old guy number 2, the carrying away of a babbling on of 14 long ass times got pretty damn annoying after about the 6th long ass time.

1:18 Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When his mother Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they came together she was found with child of the Holy Spirit.

1:18T Now the birth of Jesus was not wise, When his mother broke a condom with Joseph, before they “came” together she found a spirit with many holes.

1:19 And Joseph her husband, being a righteous man, and not willing to make her a public example, was minded to put her away privily.

1:19T And Joey Batafuco, a righteous dude, and not willing to graffiti her name in the public, was stupid and threw here away.

1:20 But when he thought on these things, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit.

1:20T BUT! when the stupid bastard actually thought about it, BEHOLD!, an angel from Anaheim (Left center outfield if I am correct) appeared out of nowhere and scared the SHIT outta him ranting on about his dad and how hes whipped and should stop gearing his wife: who still has that damn spirit with holes in it.

1:21 And she shall bring forth a son; and thou shalt call his name JESUS; for it is he that shall save his people from their sins.

1:21T and now did the dirty withOUT a condom and name it Jesus (“heyzoos”), Now he shall save his people from all the sexual harassment suits.

1:22 Now all this is come to pass, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the Lord through the prophet, saying,

1:22T Now its all gone, that he might actually come through for once, the drug lord said….(drum roll)

1:23 Behold, the virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel; which is, being interpreted, God with us,

1:23T BEHOLD!. The virgin is gonna get porked, and shall have a fourth son, and his name will be Immanuel…. Immanuel Masterbation. God is here in the maternity ward TOO

1:24 And Joseph arose from his sleep, and did as the angel of the Lord commanded him, and took unto him his wife;

1:24T He woke up, and was pushed around by communism, and did the nasty with his wife.

1:25 and knew her not till she had brought forth a son: and he called his name JESUS.

1:25T and they use and too much (They need to learn about run-on sentences, SHEESH) she wasn’t famous till Elvis was born, but everyone else called him Jesus (Heyzoos)

Other Junk

Kurt Cobain’s Magic Talking 8-Ball

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Q: Kurt Will I ever Over-dose in the future?

A: No you’ll end up just like me

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Q: Kurt Will I ever get a girlfriend?

A: The future is fuzzy from the hangover

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Q: Kurt Will you ever come back?

A: No I like it in Hell

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Q: Kurt Is your wife HOT?

A: Now how am I SUPPOSE TO KNOW?

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Q: Kurt did you kill your self?

A: The chances are High, just like me

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Q: Kurt did you smoke weed a lot?

A: HAHAHAHAHA he said Weed HAHAHAHA

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Q: Kurt are you gay or what?

A: Hey it’s HARD to find a women in hell…

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Q: Kurt, Yes or No?

A: Or

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Q: Kurt do you have cocaine I can have?

A: Ask Tommorow (and bring cash)

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Q: Kurt can I marry your wife?

A: Hey kid: Nice Ass ::wink wink::

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Q: Kurt is it true your in an 8 ball?

A: Hey i chose to come in here, I just like being in balls…

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Q: Kurt, will I ever find a GOOD girlfriend?

A: You just found a new boyfriend

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Q: Kurt, do I look sexy or what?

A: I like every bone in your body, especially mine ((eww sick))

Q: Kurt do you miss your Nirvana band?

A: Yeah I haven’t done Stereroids in a while, wait what was the question?

Language Fun

Holmes’ Sayings for a Conversation

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These are good to use if you want to spark up a conversation but don’t know what to say!

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1. “Hey, are you circumcised?”

2. “Nice shirt, I saw one exactly like that at the salvation army”

3. “Hey, would you like to start a sexual relationship?”

4. “You don’t know me but will you marry me?”

5. “You might not remember me but that’s because of all the booze you drank last night.”

6. “My friend told me you were nice and good in bed”

7. “So what do you think, Cheese Whiz or Cheese sticks?”

8. “Can I follow you home?”

9. “Hey, I’m doing a poll: Do you wear protection?”

10. “Can I come over to your house and eat one time?”

11. “Are you a lonely puristic loyal Caucasian women?”

12. “Do I have anything up my nose?”

13. “Can I touch your body or do you want to touch mine? Tell you what, we’ll flip a coin for it.”

14. “Have you ever herd of this thing called ‘The Internet'”?

15. “Hey, how much do you make every month?”

16. “Don’t look at me like that!”

17. “Hola, yo estoy hablar en un lingua romantica.”

18. “Stop touching me in my private areas!”

19. “I’m related to Bill Gates.”

20. “So you look more beautiful up close then from the treetop near your bathroom.”

Lists

Unspoken Words

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Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say:

1. I’ll sacrifice my career goals and dreams to stay home and cook for you.

2. Biologically my body is built to serve you and nothing else.

3. Oral sex is my favorite hobby.

4. During my bad week, I’ll get you a hooker.

5. Does this make my butt look too small?

6. PMS is just a myth.

7. That guy has great breasts.

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Things You Will Never Hear A Man Say:

1. I’ll sacrifice my career goals and dreams to stay home and cook for you.

2. Sure she has a great body, but how’s her personality?

3. Beer leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

4. When Bambi’s mother was shot I cried.

5. Forget the game, Oprah’s on!

6. It’s your decision.

7. I care.

Lists

Top 10 Signs Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified

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10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.

9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen’s character on “The West Wing.”

8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is “That Bob Vila guy.”

7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.

6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.

5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, “The state or the DC thingie?”

4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, “You wanna wrestle?!?”

3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.

2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, “I win!”

..and the Number 1 Sign Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified..

1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.

Lists

Y2K Checklist

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SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NOT Y2K READY:

 

You’ve backed-up your desktop by pushing it against the wall.

 

You’ve put foam around the computer to prevent it from crashing.

 

The soles of your shoes are worn out from re-booting the computer.

 

You try to clear the screen by shaking the monitor up and down.

 

You’re Amish.

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SIGNS THAT YOUR COMPUTER ISN’T Y2K READY:

 

It has trouble supporting the latest version of Tetris.

 

The spell check replaces the word “You” with “Thou.”

 

It takes the same amount of time to re-boot as it does to bake a potato.

 

The manual advises you to throw a towel over the monitor to use as a screen saver.

 

It needs to be updated to binary code.

 

Lists

Top 10 Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex

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10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, nobody gets an attitude.

8. Maybe aches, but never guilt the morning after.

7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. Dressing up and fantasizing isn’t considered kinky.

5. If you don’t like what you get, you can just go next door.

4. It doesn’t matter if anyone hears you moaning and groaning.

3. Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

2. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

…and the number one reason trick or treating is better than sex…

1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Lists

Children’s Books that Didn’t Make the Cut

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1. You Are Different and That’s Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad’s New Wife Robert

4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

8. All Cats Go to Hell

9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

10. Some Kittens Can Fly

11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

13. Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games

14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

Lists

Funny Bumper Stickers

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1. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

2. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

3. Where there’s a will … I want to be on it.

4. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

5. Don’t drink and drive … You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

6. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies out of the trunk.

7. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

8. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

9. Be nice to your kids … They will pick out your nursing home.

10. Always remember you’re unique … Just like everyone else.

11. Horn broken, watch for finger!

12. Your kid may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot!

13. All generalizations are false!

14. Cover me! I’m changing lanes!

15. I brake for no apparent reason.

16. Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control!

17. I’m not as think as you drunk I am!

18. Forget about world peace…visualize using your turn signal!

19. We have enough youth! How ’bout a Fountain of Smart?

20. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

21. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math!

22. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you!

23. Dear Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog! Love, Dorothy!

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

26. I love cats…they taste just like chicken!

27. Out of my mind, back in five minutes.

28. Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

29. Born free…taxed to death.

30. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

31. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

32. Rehab is for quitters!

33. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

34. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

35. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

36. Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.

37. All men are idiots, and I married their King!

38. Montana — At least our cows are sane!

39. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!

40. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

41. If you don’t like the news, go out and make some!

42. When you do a good deed, get a receipt–in case heaven is like the IRS…

43. So many pedestrians, so little time.

44. Let’s keep out of touch.

Lists

30 Things to Do On an Exam When You Know That You Are Going To Fail

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1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.

6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

8. Come down with a BAD case of Turret’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Fuck this!” and walk out triumphantly.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e.. threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math / sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

24. Masturbate.

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up!

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blackened out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”

29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question. Ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him or her.

Lists

26 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

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1) When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8 ) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, “Did you feel that?”

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay. Don’t panic, they open up again.”

15) Swat at flies that don’t exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, “group hug!”, then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?”

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM!” and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I have new socks on.”

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space!”

Lists

If They Wed

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If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it’s the ’90’s!) he’d be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she’d be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he’d be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he’d be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he’d be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark’s brother on “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he’d be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she’d be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a little longer to get)

If Jack Handy (“Saturday Night Live” writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he’d be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, “Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.”

Lists

Top 10 Signs You Have a Bad Pilot

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10. You overhear him say on the intercom “Hey, Pedro, What’s this gizmo do?”

9. For the past two hours, you’ve been going straight up.

8. He says, “We’re cruising at an altitude of 45 feet.”

7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap.

6. When you take off he yells, “Weeeeeeeeee!”

5. At some point he announces, “Screw Chicago, let’s go find that Mars observer!”

4. He’s wearing a Domino’s Pizza uniform.

3. Over P.A. you hear, “Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh.”

2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport.

1. Keeps referring to the control tower as “Mommy.”

Lists

Church Bulletins

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– Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High”.

– Don’t let worry kill you–let the church help.

– Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

– For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

– Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

– Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She’s used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

– The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

– This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

– Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

– This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

– The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

– Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

– The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

– Thursday night–Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

– Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

– The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

– At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

– During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

– The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

– The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

– The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet” in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

– The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

– Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

– Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

– Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.