Category Archives: Lists

Lots of funny lists!

Lists

Intellectual Bathroom Graffiti

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If bathroom graffiti were written in such a way that it was “intellectual” you might see stuff like this…

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Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors.

Your Mother and Father Are of the Same Genetic Background.

Mexicans Smell Vaguely of Jalapenos.

Last Night You Enjoyed Carnal Pleasures With Your Sister.

Your Intelligence Quota is Dubious at Best.

For a Moderate Fee I Believe Your Mother Would Fellate Me.

You Have Had Intimate Relations With a Person of African Descent and You Shall Never Know the Love of a Caucasian Again.

You Look Upon Your Dog With Lust.

Methinks You Have the Odor of Fecal Matter Upon You.

I Partook in Intercourse with Your Sister’s Derriere.

The Acne on Your Face Spreads Throughout Your Nether Regions.

The People of France Know Not the Joys of Deodorant.

A Hamster is Superior in Intelligence to Your Mother.

For An Evening of Sordid Delights Involving Both Sadism and Masochism, Please Ring Mary at 212.555.5555.

Ryan Beaugarde is Inadequate in the Ways of Oral Enjoyment.

The Heavy Metal Rock Band Entitled Motley Crue is Quite First-Rate.

Your Sexually Promiscuous Mother Can Be Found in the Phone Book Under “Whore.”

Homosexuals Are Men Who Have Intercourse With Other Men. If You Participate in Such Activities You Are A Homosexual.

Your Father’s Proclivities Lead Him to Engage in Relations with Livestock.

President Bush is Missing a Chromosome.

The Toilet Upon Which You Currently Sit is Sprayed with a Mixture of Vomit, Feces and Urine.

Lists

Some Physical Laws We All Should Know

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1. If you apply heat to petroleum unleaded fart, it will fuck.

2. Water always seeks its own fruit.

3. In a right triangle, the square of the dick is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two boobs.

4. Sound travels through the air at a rate of 69 dicks per second.

5. Weight: 16 ounces equals one fudgamudga.

6. If an object is floating in sperm fluid, it displaces its own pussy.

7. Everything that goes west must come east.

Lists

Rejected International Sports Team Names

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– Brussels Sprouts

– Cannes Openers

– Amsterdam Yankees

– Vienna Sausages

– Belgium Waffles

– Manila Folders

– Czech Bouncers

– New Dehli Catessans

– Buenos Airheads

– Guadalajara Krishnas

– Iraqi Raccoons

– Bolivia DeHavillands

– Seoul Brothers

– Taipei Personalities

– Syria Killers

– Hungary Jacks

– Dublin Mint Twins

– Prague Tologists

– Peking Toms

Lists

The Top 15 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movies

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15. To Kill A Walking Bird

14. My Best Friend’s Dressing

13. Thighs Wide Shut

12. The Texas Coleslaw Massacre

11. Casserolablanca

10. The Fabulous Baster Boys

9. 12 Hungry Men

8. Silence of the Yams

7. For Love of The Game Hen

6. I Know What You Ate Last Winter

5. All the President’s Menu

4. White Meat Can’t Jump

3. When Harry Met Salad

2. The Story of U.S.

1. The Wing and I

Lists

Top Ten Signs You’ve Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving

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10. You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net.

9. Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump truck full of yams.

8. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps.

7. While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker.

6. Strangers keep addressing you as “Mr. President.”

5. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read “Good Lord!”

4. You now have an butt the size of Plymouth Rock.

3. People keep looking at you and saying, “I thought the Macy’s Parade was over.”

2. Your relatives can’t go home because they’re stuck in your gravitational field.

1. You’re sweatin’ gravy, my friend!

Lists

Ten Common Full-Time Employee Illnesses

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1. The Macy’s One Day Sale Flu.

2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.

3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.

4. The I’m Looking for a New Job and I Don’t Know How Long It’s Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.

5. The My Boyfriend’s Got the Week Off So Suddenly I’m Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.

6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn’t Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.

7. The There’s No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.

8. The It’s Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I’m a Teenager Again General Ailment.

9. The I’ve Messed Up Royally and I Won’t Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.

10. The I Really Am Sick and I’ve Got The Doctor’s Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.

Lists

Things NOT to Say When Hanging the Christmas Lights

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Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? (The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. Don’t EVEN think of going there!) So I now present for you….

*Things NOT To Say When Hanging The Christmas Lights*

– “You’ve got two red lights right next to each other.  You’re supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue…”

– “Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try.”

– “What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?”

– “Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I’m going to fry that sucker.”

– “If you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it at all.  Don’t just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You’re worse than your father.”

– “Give me that!!”

– “You’ve got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top.”

– “I don’t care if you have found another two strings, I’m done!”

– “You’ve just wound ’em around and around – I thought we agreed it shouldn’t look like a spiral this year?”

– “Have you been drinking?!!?”

– “Okaaay! Looks like we’re *finally* done here now. Not too shabby huh? Hey….wait a minute, where’s the cat?”

Lists

Holiday Eating Tips

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1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free.  Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.  They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.

Lists

If College Students Wrote the Bible

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If College Students Wrote the Bible…

– The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning – cold.

– The Ten Commandments would actually be only five; double spaced and written in large font.

– A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

– Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.

– Paul’s letter to the Romans would become Paul’s E-mail to abuse@romans.gov.

– Reason Cain killed Abel; they were roommates.

– Reason why Moses and followers walked the desert for 40 years; they didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

– Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Lists

Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend is Going to Dump You

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10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.

9. She’s been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don’t recall proposing to her.

8. She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.

7. She says she has to tell you something… on Jerry Springer.

6. Her love letters come soaked in formaldehyde rather than perfume.

5. Whenever she introduces you it’s always “I would like you to meet an old friend of mine…”

4. She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first and last names.

3. Your other girlfriend told you so.

2. The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.

1. Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, “You haven’t got a clue, do you?”

Lists

Top Ten Ways to Spend the $250 Million Powerball Jackpot

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10. A twinkie for everyone in the country.

9. Develop and market an action-figure doll of yourself.

8. Get yourself one a’ them “Pentagon quality” toilet bowls.

7. Buy the biggest trailer in West Virginia, and then put a new BMW on blocks in the front yard.

6. Pay for a top-notch therapist to deal with the feeling that, compared to Bill Gates, you’re still not rich.

5. At long last: a home-slurpee machine of your VERY OWN!

4. Four words: Prank call to Antarctica.

3. Goodbye aluminum siding: Hello golden siding.

2. Get it all in pennies and ride the horse in front of K-mart, FOREVER!

1. Donate it to a college. Then they can name a building after you: “Lucky Bastard Hall”

Lists

You Know You’re a Mom When…

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You know you’re a mom when…

– Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor — and you don’t care.

– When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding.

– You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

– Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

– Popsicle’s become a food staple.

– Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

– You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.

– You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

– You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

– You count the sprinkles on each kid’s cupcake to make sure they’re equal.

– You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

– You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

– Your kid throws up and you catch it.

– You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet… you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

Lists

School Absence Excuses

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These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected from schools all over the country.

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1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ( )’s were crossed out].

12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22. Please excuse little jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father id gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Lists

Things You’ll Never Hear In A Western Movie

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“I reckon I’ll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!”

“Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let’s draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution.”

“Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room.”

“Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!”

“Y’know, Badlands Pete… a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you ‘n’ me… what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?”

“Let’s see… hardtack and pemmican… that’s three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches.”

“You ‘n’ Slim round up them strays, and I’ll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue.”

“That’s him! That’s the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!”

“He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration.”

“Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?”

“It’s like I keep tellin’ ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge.”

“HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! …Okay, now a little to the left…..Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!”

Lists

Banana Math

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You know how in first grade they used fruits to explain stuff like “one banana plus two bananas make three bananas”? Here’s a list of high school math courses based on bananas:

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Algebra I – A
You have a negative banana (possibly made of antimatter).  Add two bananas to it and you get one banana.

Algebra I – B
You have a banana. Factor it, or solve for apples using the quadratic formula.

Geometry
Prove: Bananas are not vegetables. Given: Bananas are fruits.

Algebra II
You have an imaginary banana. Square it, and you get one of those weird anti-matter bananas. The student learns that their dreams will become reality if they only raise them to the fourth power.

Pre-Calculus
What is the cosecant of Pi over 2 bananas in a unit apple?

Calculus AB
The student learns to find the slope of a banana.

Calculus BC
The student learns to find the slope of a banana and also to find the area under the banana.