National Gear-Yourself-Up-For-Another-Year Day – n. a holiday that occurs on December 31st. Yes, this is New Year’s Eve, but that doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate another day along with the holiday that occurs on the day you’re celebrating your day on
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.
Q: What’s a female sheep’s favorite time of the year?
A: Ewe Near’s Eve
Q: What do pigs sing on New Year’s Eve?
A: Auld Lang Swine.
Q: What has the shortest life span in the world?
A: New Year’s resolutions. They’re born before midnight and dead and forgotten by the next day.
Inflation has reduced my household to a two-party system: a New Year’s Eve Party and a Christmas Party.
optimist – n. a person who buys a car and hopes he’ll find a parking space before the car is paid for
;} a person who lights a match before asking to borrow a cigarette
;} a person who starts a diet on Thanksgiving
;} a person who swears off liquor on New Year’s Eve
Q: What does the bunny say on January 1st?
A: Hoppy New Year
throop – n. first fart of the New Year
chulin – n. first piss of the New Year