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davepoobond of Squackle. Items under this user name are original works by davepoobond.
Screwed Up Chronicles, Music

“Katy Perry – Firework” Breakdown

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This entry is part 4 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

I don’t know if it’s just me or not but Katy Perry’s Firework song is strange.  Not only does comparing yourself to a 2-second burst of light that is simply forgotten (honestly, do you remember every firework you’ve seen?) a terrible way to try and influence teenage girls into having self-esteem about themselves or whatever, but there’s a completely different way to look at this song.

It’s about a huge penis.  A penis that Katy Perry is sucking and is blowing its load all over her face.  To make my point clear, I’ll point out all the parts of the song where it can be taken as such in this edition of Dave’s Breakdown.

–

“Do you ever feel/Like a plastic bag/Drifting through the wind/Wanting to start again“

Obviously this “plastic bag” is a condom.  The guy that Katy Perry is blowing has blown his load already and Katy Perry has slapped off this condom so she can get the full taste.  She “wants to start again,” after all.

“Do you ever feel/Feel so paper-thin/Like a house of cards/One blow from caving in”

They’ve been at it for so long that both parties are simply exhausted, however they’re still going to go at it cause Katy Perry has a huge rack and its impossible to get unhorny during sex with her.  So, one more “blow” and they’re about to cave in and pass out from exhaustion.

“Do you ever feel/Already buried deep/Six feet under/Screams but no one seems to hear a thing”

Six feet under buried under a mountain of cum, it seems like.  “Screams” because she’s orgasmed like 15 times already.

“Do you know that there’s/Still a chance for you/‘Cause there’s a spark in you/You just gotta”

Even though they’ve had sex like 15 times already, there’s still a little bit of cum inside this penis.  Gotta make it 16, after all.

“Ignite the light/And let it shine/Just own the night/Like the Fourth of July”

“The light” being the huge penis, of course.  Let it shine, like sunlight in your face.

“‘Cause baby, you’re a firework/Come on show them what you’re worth/Make them go, “Oh, oh, oh”/As you shoot across the sky”

Cause the penis is like a firework and is exploding across Katy Perry’s face.  Obviously she’s going “oh oh oh” cause she’s having sex, and once the guy is about to cum she takes the penis out of her mouth and then the cum shoots across the sky, onto her face.

“Baby, you’re a firework/Come on let your colors burst/Make them go, “Oh, oh, oh”/You’re gonna leave before they know”

So, we know this guy is a firework cause he’s blowing up.  And his “colors bursting” is obviously his oddly colored semen.  And he’s gonna leave before someone knows he was there because they shouldn’t be doing what they’re doing (uh oh!)

“You don’t have to feel/Like a waste of space/You’re original/Cannot be replaced”

Basically this means this huge penis is so nice and big that she could never want another.

“If you only knew/What the future holds/After a hurricane/Comes a rainbow”

The hurricane is in Katy Perry’s vagina with a huge penis storm.  After that, a rainbow from this guy’s penis into Katy Perry’s mouth, like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

“Maybe the reason why/All the doors are closed/So you could open one/That leads you to the perfect …”

So I guess they closed all the doors so no one would see them fucking, and the only one open is the bathroom so they can have sex in the shower too.  And that is probably the preferred method of sex for her since it “leads you to the perfect.”

“Like a lightning bolt/Your heart will glow/And when it’s time you know/You just gotta”

Meaning you just gotta cum on her face.

“Ignite the light/And let it shine/Just own the night/Like the Fourth of July”

“Turn on the light, I want to see the huge penis in the light now, and just fuck me like you did on July 4”

“Boom, boom, boom”

This is the penis slapping into Katy Perry’s vagina hole and/or mouth.  Maybe ass, if she’s into that.

“Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon”

It’s bright because it got into her eye and she can’t see anything but white.

“It’s always been inside of you, you, you/And now it’s time to let it through”

“It” being the cum and its coming out and onto her face.

–

In conclusion Katy Perry has a huge rack and everything she sings is about sex.

Screwed Up Chronicles, Internet

“Is Our Health On the Line?” Breakdown

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This entry is part 3 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

While I’m at work, I get to read Yahoo! News.  I’ve got plenty of time to catch up on everything that’s fucked up with the world, and all this stuff with WikiLeaks is going off into this weird place with people asking for the death of the founder and all this other conspiracy-worthy nutjobbiness.

Then comes Yahoo! Health.  Every time I read one of their stupid ass articles I get angry.  I don’t get angry because of the facts they present.  I mostly get angry in the WAY they do it.  Most of their stupid articles are about how a hamburger from TGI Fridays is the equivalent to 15 large chocolate smoothies or how an extra-cheese pizza is the equivalent to 29 tofu hot dogs without the buns.

But their most recent travesty of the English language comes in the form of an article named “Is Your Health on the Line?” — and if you couldn’t get the pun in the title of the article its about CELL PHONES!!!! OMG!!!!  THE LASER BEAMS ARE SHOOTING INTO YOUR BRAIN AND INTO YOUR PELVIS AND ITS GOING TO GIVE YOU CANCER SO STOP USING YOUR CELL PHONE AS AN ALARM CLOCK AND START JUMPING OFF BUILDINGS BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR CELL PHONE’S LIFE-STEALING RADIATION!

So I’m going to break down the article piece by piece, mostly by the quotes that I hate.

“Unless you’ve had your cell phone permanently glued to your ear, chances are you’ve heard the recent health buzz: …”

This opening sentence just rubs me the wrong way instantaneously, and really sets the mood for the whole article.  “HAHA FUCK YOU” is what the author is saying to everyone who might fit the description.  Gross generalizational remarks such as this are part of the reason why I hate writers who try to make their sensationalist bullshit something you should care about.

“… Mobile devices may cause cancer. While it’s true that the National Cancer Institute has ruled them safe, a growing number of independent researchers disagree.”

Okay.  So… they “MAY” cause cancer.  However, the leading institute of cancer research says its safe.  Soooo…. let’s find some random people who can say otherwise, and call them “independent researchers.”  Yes, these independent researchers that you’ve never heard of, but now are making statements that can affect your life and tell you what to do.  It’s bullshit like this that makes those random idiots out there say “THEY SAY IT CAUSES CANCER.”  Who is the ever elusive “they?”  “They” are fictitious “independent researchers” (aka experts, apparently) quoted by terrible writers who nominate themselves for Pullitzers.

Now, let’s take a look at how reliable the National Cancer Institute is.  Well, look at that, they have a .gov in their URL.  http://www.cancer.gov/.  So, a fucking governmental institute that has researched cancer as the sole purpose of their existence is not reliable enough to put the issue to rest.  So let’s get all the paranoid idiots of the world hyped up about cell phones shooting dangerous radiation into our skulls since there’s nothing else better to do.

“Most phones do comply with the federal standards, but SAR monitors only thermal effects. (In other words, if the radiation from your phone isn’t cooking your brain, it’s regarded as safe.)”

Sensationalism!  YES!  :zzz:  If a cell phone doesn’t FRY YOUR BRAIN it must be safe!! :zzz: :zzz: :zzz: :zzz:   I guess if a cell phone doesn’t signal an airplane to land on your face it’s also safe.

So, apparently there are phones that don’t comply with federal standards, as proven by this article.  I would assume if this statement were actually founded, that cell phones that DIDN’T comply with federal standards should be reported.  Y’know, since that’s not exactly legal.  Or maybe it is.  In which case, where can I buy a microwave gun to shoot some people’s ovaries and testicles with so they never procreate?

“But mounting scientific evidence suggests that nonthermal radio frequency radiation (RF)—the invisible energy waves that connect cell phones to cell towers, and power numerous other everyday items—can damage our immune systems and alter our cellular makeup, even at intensities considered safe by the FCC.”

Mounting scientific evidence from the articles own, nameless independent researchers/experts?  WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!

THE INVISIBLE ENERGY WAVES – OH NOOOOO!!  They’re invisible!  That must mean they’re bad!  Hey guess what, you fucktard.  VISIBLE ENERGY WAVES have more radiation in them than RF waves!  MIND BOGGLING!

Alter our cellular makeup, so we’re mutating right in front of ourselves?  Sweet, when do I get to turn into a puddle of water and hide behind the laundry machines?

“”The problem is that RF can transfer energy waves into your body and disrupt its normal functioning,” explains Cindy Sage, an environmental consultant in Santa Barbara, California, who has studied radiation for 28 years.”

OH LOOK!  It’s our first independent researcher.  Cindy Sage.  Hmm… Let’s see if we can find anything about her.  But before that, let’s take a look at the “RF can disrupt its normal functioning” statement.  What the fuck does she think we are?  Robots?  We don’t take signals from a cell phone tower to lift our arm, do we?  And another thing, “can” is a very interesting word to use.  It’s mostly used when you don’t know for sure one way or the other.  Meaning… YOU DON’T KNOW what the fuck you’re talking about apparently.

So, Cindy Sage.  Who are you and why do you think you’re so smart?  Let’s go look at your web site.  http://www.silcom.com/~sage/emf/index.html.  Wow.  So your web site is all about how you can decrease the intensity of electromagnetic fields… among other seemingly random things.  And you charge people for it, obviously.  So, I see a conflict of interest here.  Why wouldn’t you want people to freak out about EMF bullshit when you make money by decreasing the amount of EMF in a given area.  Let’s jump to later in the article:

“We’re going to wireless offices and living in wireless homes. Even beaches and parks are going wireless. We’re exposed everywhere.”

Because the sun never posed a threat in beaches or parks before cell phones.

“The good news is that you don’t need to ditch your gadgets. This advice will let you stay plugged in—and keep you healthy.”

Oh, good.  After seven paragraphs of saying how terrible any of these wireless “gadgets” are, you say we can keep them.  How terribly contradicting.  Yet, it soothes the minds of your readers after you’ve insulted them, because they can’t live without their high tech gizmos and gadgets.  I guess Aeriel from Little Mermaid got a brain tumor since she spent so much time with cell phones sailors dropped in the ocean.

“When your phone is on (which it probably is even as you read this) it’s constantly sending and receiving RF signals… The activity really amps up when you’re, say, driving through rural areas. Plus, within the close confines of a car, your entire core is exposed to the radiation.”

Oh no, my tumorous-causing, cancer-causing, soul-stealing cell phone is on and sending my position to the aliens!

I find it very misleading that “within the close confines of a car” you are exposed to MORE RF from your cell phone than if you aren’t in a car.  How does a cell phone’s RF signals all of a sudden expose your “entire core” to radiation as opposed to outside of your car?  It’s in the same place relative to your body.  If anything, the RF signals would be absorbed by the car around you instead of shooting into the 6 year old kid you always seem to have next to your cell phone so you can give them brain cancer.  Being in a car doesn’t do anything more than being out of a car.  In fact, having your windows closed avoids radiation from a more powerful source of energy – ULTRAVIOLET.  Yeah, remember that?  That’s actually something to be mindful of.

“The safer solution: Keep your phone off when driving until you really need it, says Carpenter.”

Well, Carpenter is an idiot.  How would we be able to desperately call for help in a car crash if our cell phone was off?  We’d have to wait 15 seconds for the cell phone to come on, and by then you could have already gone into cardiac arrest.  So, fuck that!  But, at least the bonus is you don’t have to worry about RF waves shooting into your exposed liver as your bleeding all over your face in an car turned upside down in the middle of the freeway.

“And no matter where you are, avoid holding a cell phone directly to your noggin… and use either speakerphone or a corded headset (not a wireless headset).”

So I guess if I’m in public it’s okay for people to hear both sides of the conversation, not like private information being leaked around is worse for you or anything.

“If you have a smartphone that’s loaded with games, music, and movies, turn your wireless settings off while playing or rocking out.”

I HATE PEOPLE WHO SAY “ROCKING OUT.”  FUCK YOU.  I AM NOT ROCKING OUT, IT IS A FUCKING SONG THAT I LIKE TO LISTEN TO.

“Cordless Phones

These stealth wireless threats “have become so powerful, they’re often as strong as cell phones,” says Sage.”

My God.  They’re like worse than a Stealth B-2 Nuclear Bomber, the way they write this article.  At least we can control nuclear bombs.

“Preliminary blind studies have found that, when sitting beside a DECT phone base, some people experienced arrhythmia, a troubling heartbeat irregularity that could eventually lead to stroke or coronary disease, says Sage.”

If RF signals do that by themselves, then there must also be a frequency that stops arrhythmia, too!

“If the whole body is radiated by a router’s RF emissions, the greatest concern is cancer, especially leukemia,” says Carpenter. Also, be aware of your at-home router and any plug-in wireless USB cards you often use.“

So, lets get this straight.  Wireless Routers cause leukemia.  Cordless phones cause arrhythmia.  Cell phones cause brain tumors and/or cancer.  Sounds totally real yet so very unproven!

“That Ethernet technology doesn’t leak RF and is often faster and more secure.”

So bad.  They make it seem like anything that uses RF technology UNINTENTIONALLY shoots out its RF signals.  As if that’s not what it’s designed to do!

“If you just can’t give up your wireless router (e.g., if you live in a home with a handful of computer users), make sure you sit as far away from it as possible, says Crofton, and turn it off at night and whenever you’re not online.”

That defeats the purpose of a wireless router.  Sitting as far away as possible from a wireless router gets you shitty reception.  Why would you want shitty internet intentionally?

“When you hold your laptop on your lap, what you’re essentially doing is radiating your pelvis,” says Carpenter, …”

And Laptops make you sterile…

“Indeed, early studies point to a heightened risk of testicular cancer for men who keep RF-emitting devices close to their belts.”

…give you testicular cancer…

“For women, adds Carpenter, “the studies aren’t quite there yet, but I think we can say that anything that might cause cancer almost always causes birth defects, so pregnant women—or those wanting to become pregnant soon—should take extra precautions.”

…give you ovarian cancer and makes your babies downy babies.  Death to RF!  I mean, death to light!  Does that make sense?

“The safer solution: Keep your laptop off your lap (if you have to rest it there, buffer it with a sturdy pillow that’s at least six inches thick).”

Because pillows absorb RF light or something?  How is a pillow supposed to stop that if it isn’t opaque to RF light?  It could be translucent, for all we know, depending on the material your pillow is made of, and the RF waves just go right through the pillows.  Not to mention you are creating a FIRE HAZARD by putting your laptop on a pillow and having the laptop heat up and possibly start smoking and blow up and burn you and your pillow and your ovaries and your house down.  Smart people are really dumb.

“Try to use a desktop computer at home and treat your laptop as an on-the-go convenience.”

Isn’t the reason that most people have a laptop because they don’t have room for a desktop?

“One thing to keep in mind: Laptops are a high RF radiation risk only while connected to wireless Internet, so when you’re watching a DVD, fiddling around with your photos, or writing that dissertation, just disable your connection and you’ll be much safer.”

Safe from what?  The invisible cancer waves?   I guess fiddling around with your secret porn collection is just as dangerous in the end, you never know who might see you doing stuff with them, and use that as justification to murder you.  Guess you don’t have to worry about invisible threats of cancer when you’re DEAD from an abusive relationship.

“Baby monitors release more RF than cell phones do, and putting them next to a crib is very, very unwise,” says Carpenter. He points to a recent University of Utah study that shows RF radiation can penetrate almost entirely through a child’s brain, which doesn’t form completely until nearly 20 years of age. “It’s very clear from all the existing research that the younger the child is, the more vulnerable he or she is to the effects of RF radiation.”

In one temporal lobe and out the other, I always say (I don’t)!  Did all of that “existing research” also say that the younger a child is, the more vulnerable they are to BELIEVING STUPID SHITTY ARTICLES ON YAHOO HEALTH?

“The safer solution: Consider not using a baby monitor. If you absolutely must use one, place it far from your baby’s crib—at least 10 to 15 feet away.”

That way it makes it easier for you to not know if your baby is in need of help!  Or makes it easy for some random guy to come in and steal your baby!  Guess you don’t have to worry about brain tumors and cancer when you don’t have a baby anymore.  Also, if there’s nothing in between the baby and the monitor, THE LIGHT DOESN’T GET ABSORBED.  In fact, you’re making sure to shower your baby’s WHOLE BODY with RF waves, and making everything around him absorb RF light as well so they can sleep in an irradiated crib.  According to the article’s logic, anyhow.

In conclusion, there is no conclusion.  This article is full of stupid crap and is trash.  This is one of the worst articles I’ve ever read.

Stories

Chevy Mad Lib: Find the Bowtie that Fits You

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After a hard week at school, davepoobond, Michael Jackson, Mr. Fuckhead, and I decided it was time to get away.  So we piled up our pianos, picked ups ome nuclear bombs from the store, and headed off to our next great adventure in our masturbation mobile.  After setting our fuck this shit we could finally be on our way!  It was awesome seeing the anal missile silo as we sank on the road.  The weather was perfect too, wasteful with periwinkle skies.

Everything was going terribly until suddenly oh yes!  A zombie leapt in front of our Jamaican jalopy.  We all looked at each other in shock, wondering what to do next.  Luckily our car was quick to react thanks to the ABS brakes that come standard.  What happened next when things got a little short.  It led us to its Long Island where it served us tray after tray of delicious Shirley Temple.  Bellies full, we said our thanks and headed back to our gatorade where we easily found our way thanks to OnStar’s GPS capability.  With awesome fuel efficiency, we didnt’ need to stop for gas; however Mr. Rogers and Michael Jackson were running low on strawberry Nutri-Grains.  We flew over to the store to stock up so we would be well prepared for Hell.

69 hours later and we had finally made it!  If it wasn’t for the great company, college students in kindergarten, and I hate my life, we wouldn’t have had nearly as 14-cents-worth of an adventure.  Fuck!  Chevy really does bring people together.

P.S. Fuck you Daily Titan!

Stories

Dave’s Notes: Come and Have Fun

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This entry is part 5 of 5 in the series Dave's Notes

There’s this cat, right.  And he likes to harass this mouse, see.  And there is a pending lawsuit from said mouse to this cat for his constant harassment.  This cat is like a bible basher, but worse.  He’s a murderer.

The cat is listening to his Def Leppard tunes and getting a tan outside the mouse’s house.  But as to not feel like a complete and total loser, he beckons the house to come out of the mouse.  Or, rather the mouse to come out of the mouse.  It’s all supposed to rhyme or something, but really, its all just pretty terrible.

Since the mouse is a pasty gray mouse, he dotes on the idea of getting a tan in the sun with the cat.  But the mouse comes to the conclusion that since the cat is a murdering sociopath and opts to err on the side of caution and not play with the cat.  Or his ball that he magically made appear out of nowhere.

So, the impoverished mouse goes back into his mouse hole and lights a barrel on fire to keep warm.  He cooks some soup over the barrel and keeps getting harassed by the cat.  Then the cat leaves, to seemingly go and masturbate in a corner somewhere as he thought about murdering the mouse.

Instead of being a smart mouse and staying inside and not caring about what the hell the cat is doing, the mouse wonders where the cat is, while just around the corner, the cat waited, erect with anticipation.

Then the mouse decided it was a good idea to go get a prostitute at this very moment because he had nothing else better to spend his life savings of cheese on and left his house thinking the cat didn’t see him.  But the cat did, so in a murderous rampage, the cat chased the mouse around the house, breaking some stupid lady’s vase and tearing up a chair’s skirt.  Along the way, the bird was molested by the cat and had relationship problems for the rest of his life.

The mouse hid behind the chair then taunted the cat as he was fondling the bird.  The cat chased after the mouse again and then along the way the cat pissed into the fish’s bowl.  Whoever owned this cat sure like to buy a lot of pets that this cat would want to kill.  Seriously, what cat owner has a bird, a fish, AND a mouse?

The mouse ran back into his house and then taunted the cat to get inside the small hole.  To which, the stupid cat tried to shove his face inside, but lo and behold, the cat couldn’t fit his stupid face inside.  So he tries to shove his tail inside, like that would do any better.

The mouse taunts the cat with earl gray tea.  Too bad they can’t sip tea over the fire he’s got going in his little house.  So the cat asks the mouse to come out and give him tea, but the mouse won’t so he sits in his little chair and drinks tea from a bowl and eats his cheesecake.  Then the mouse made a sign and put it in his yard that says “NO CATS.”

Then the mouse suffocated due to carbon monoxide inhalation, cause he lit a fire in his house for hours on end and didn’t think it was a good idea to have a proper ventilation shaft installed in his mouse hole.

Stories, Fairy Tales

The Mammoths In the Ocean

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Once upon a time, there lived a magnificent civilization under the sea.  While you might be thinking it is a society of merpeople or single fish, you are wrong.  This society was created by mammoths. Mammoths wearing scuba gear.

Everyday they would refill their oxygen tanks at the Oxygen Station.  They would comb their hair and eat pop-tarts for lunch, dinner, and sometimes breakfast.  They would eat water for breakfast.

So, anyway, humans evolved and started shitting on the ocean and dumping their Twinkie wrappers in the middle of the Pacific like assholes.

This soon created a Trash Island that became as big as the Pacific itself.  Eventually, the Insectoid Empire declared the Trash Island as their sovereignty and announced war against the humans.  After a long, arduous game of Monopoly, the humans lost and agreed to fly to the moon and remake their society there since no one gives a shit about that place.

The Insectoid Empire enjoyed a long and prosperous reign on land but they wanted more.  The Ocean Mammoth embassy on the Trash Island gave the Insectoid Empire an idea.  Why not take over the Ocean Mammoth civilization?

A surgical strike at the mammoth’s Oxygen Stations sealed the deal and soon enough the streets of the Ocean Mammoth civilization were filled with drowned mammoths.  Eventually large schools of barracudas and piranhas came and ate all of them and destroyed all of their inventions, losing all of their technology forever.

The Insectoid Empire relished this victory and soon became an imperialistic power taking over one planet after the next.  They were parasites after all.

Moral of the story:  Foreign dependence is bad.

Stories, Fairy Tales

The Boy Who Ate Diamonds

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One day, an irate king felt it was necessary to declare economic warfare on his neighboring, rich, kingdom full of goody-do-gooders and twody-shoesters.  He hired a mercenary to go and find a secret, yet silent way to eliminate Rich Kingdom’s wealth and make Irate Kingdom supercede it.

This mercenary was actually a double agent for Rich Kingdom and he told Richie, the King of Rich Kingdom what Irate King was planning on doing.  After rewarding the mercenary with two hot lesbians for his loyalty, the king had a perfect plan for countermanding Irate King’s verdict.

Locked in the deep dark dungeons of Rich Kingdom lie the Boy who Ate Diamonds.  They call him BAD.  BAD was living off lesser carbon densities during his stay in the dungeon, such as coal.  Richie King unlocked the doors to BAD’s cell and gave him a chance of freedom.

His mission: eat the diamonds of Irate Kingdom and destroy their wealth.  BAD screeched and ran out into the world, never to be seen again.  Rich King felt like a dumbass, he just let a crazy psychotic who ate diamonds out of jail!

Moral of the story:  Think twice about how to pre-emptiviely attack someone who wants to destroy you.

Stories, Fairy Tales

The Jackal and the Fox

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One day there was a Jackal.  Was.  He got hit by a car.  But he wasn’t always road kill.   He was a successful banker, a branch manager for a multinational bank that was established in hundreds of forests throughout the land.

That was until the Fox came by to store his pecan nuts.  That asshole Fox wasn’t even a customer and he was trying to make them store pecans without even a proper account.

So, the fox went over the Jackal’s head, and got the Jackal fired.  How did he know the Fox was a famous movie star, he doesn’t even own a TV.  Then the Jackal was pushed in front of a car by his ex-boss’ bodyguards.

Moral of the story:  Get a TV.

Stories, Fairy Tales

The Vegas Sea Turtle

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Once there was a sea turtle and he lived in the desert.  He lived in Las Vegas and was a full-time gambler.  That was his job.  He’d plunk down hundreds of dollars playing Ultimate Poker.

So, anyway, the sea turtle was thirsty and he went to a water fountain.  Instead of getting water, he got mugged and shot in the head.

Then a crazy scientist stole his body from the city morgue (fortunately for the assailant, no body = no crime) and cut his body up into 3000 horizontal slices and put him on display in a Vegas exhibit to confuse children while their parents lost their college funds.

Moral of the story:  Don’t bring your children to shitty Vegas exhibits they don’t want to be at.

Stories

Dave’s Notes: Millions of Cats

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This entry is part 4 of 5 in the series Dave's Notes

So there was this old crazy man and an equally old and crazy woman who lived together but weren’t married.  Friends with benefits, let’s call it.

Unfortunately, they got screwed by social security because of their marital status and were miserable all the time.  They were also terrible company to each other because they both had terrible personalities.

So, the woman tells the man she is lonely and wants a cat.  What that actually means is she wants to fuck other 120 year old men.  She was into older guys.

So, since the old man didn’t want to lose the only vadge he’s ever had the opportunity to service, he went on a long trek to the pet store to get a cat…or a million cats.  Did I mention he was nuts?

So he got to the pet store and the pet store said the only place that has a million cats is Cat Hill.  It was a refugee camp for cats that had been created by the Croation government in Southern California.

So the old man goes to Cat Hill and, since he can’t see very well, thinks every cat is as pretty as the next.  He can’t pick just one, so he becomes a Moses for kitties and leads them to the promised land of Van Nuys, CA, back to his apartment.

Along the way, the cats, like a plague, drank up whole water reservoirs and ate all the grass that managed to grow in the SoCal desert.

When he got back home, Jerry, the next door neighbor climbed out the window just before he came.

In her sexy nighty, the old woman was seemingly unsurprised that the old man would bring a million cats back with him.  Did I mention he was nuts?

So, the lady said they could only keep one because housing refugees doesn’t get any tax breaks.  So, the old man asked the cats (did I mention he was nuts?) which one was prettiest.

After some civil deliberation, a white cat shot a black cat and everyone started eating each other.  They were hungry, after all.  So the old man and woman went inside the house and didn’t watch the slaughter taking place in front of their apartment — they opted for a different type of slaughter:  A Raider’s football game.  Then they watched Fraiser, cause they’re old.

When they came back outside, the only cat left alive was a small, thin, and scraggly kitten.

So, they took in the cat and kept it.  Little did they know, the cat was a mastermind feline felon (get it?) that had planned the genocide of his cat brethren without being tried for a war crime.  So he lived with the old man and old woman until they died (read: got murdered by a cat) and then the cat inherited all of their shit, went back to Eastern Europe and resumed his tyrannical rule of Purrrrrrsia.

Stories

Dave’s Notes: The Tale of Peter Rabbit

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This entry is part 3 of 5 in the series Dave's Notes

Peter Rabbit is this asshole rabbit who had a stupid dad that got caught by this upstanding, taxpaying, well-groomed farmer named Mrs. McGregor.  She wore a bra that was D cup even though she was plainly a C.

Peter Rabbit had a negligent mother named Mrs. Rabbit who thinks its a good idea to leave her 4 sons Peter, Mopsy, Flopsy and Cotton-Tail alone while she fucked the baker in RabbitTown.

Since Peter is an asshole, he disobeys his mother and abandons his brothers to the horrors of the forest while they lug blackberries back and forth.  Mrs. Rabbit believed in child labor after all.

So, Peter goes onto Mrs. McGregor’s farm and shits in her prize-winning flowers.  Then he eats her lovingly planted cabbage, radishes, cucumbers, and doesn’t even give her a reach around.

Mrs. McGregor, already dealing with the saggy boobie problem that plagues her family hereditarily, tried to kill that no-good Peter Rabbit and do us all a favor by doing so.

Peter Rabbit unfortunately gets away and hides in Mrs. McGregor’s toolshed where she keeps her can of holy water laying around unprotected.  Not only does Peter Rabbit desecrate Mrs. McGregor’s farm, but he tarnishes the sanctity of Mrs. McGregor’s religion by pissing in it while he’s in her holy water.

Not only that, but the pervert Peter Rabbit lost all his clothing while he was being chased by Mrs. McGregor (very convenient, don’t you think?), so his sweaty ball sweat was integrating with the holy water.

Peter Rabbit sneezed, giving away his tactical position in the dark shed and busted through the toolshed window.  Great, that’s going to cost money to replace.

Peter Rabbit tried to find a way out from the farm after the vandalism and indecency he subjected to Mrs. McGregor.  He couldn’t, so he started crying like a bitch.  He saw a bunch of other dumb shit that didn’t help him get away.

Eventually he found the gate he came in from and ran back home, leaving Mrs. and Mr. McGregor to clean up the mess he left.  When Peter got home he took a big shit and went to bed.  His family ate blackberries, bread, and milk, cause they were poor.

Peter got away with murder and was rewarded for it.

Stories

Dave’s Notes: Sylvester and the Magic Pebble

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This entry is part 2 of 5 in the series Dave's Notes

There was this stupid kid named Sylvester Duncan and he had a hobby of collecting pebbles.  What a douche.  Honestly, he couldn’t figure out something better to do with his time?  Did I mention he was a donkey?  No?  I guess I spoiled the midway surprise if you read this without any pictures attached like I did.

So, anyway, this donkey liked to collect pebbles.  He found a magic pebble that was enchanted by a novice wizard who was getting used to new incantations on the hill nearby Sylvester’s home town.  This wizard was probably a gopher, and he’s not in the story at all.  But you know he’s watching…

Sylvester is so happy when he finds this pebble because he wants to be a geologist one day and he would be the first donkey geologist anyone had ever conceived for a fairy tale.  He was going to be famous!  Sort of.

Anyway, this pebble grants wishes and he wished for stupid shit to happen, mostly to do with the weather.  As he was skipping along on the way home, instead of using the pebble to travel around wherever he wanted, like a smart donkey geologist would, he encountered the hobo murderer lion that lived on Strawberry Hill — and he had an appetite for stupid donkey geologists such as Sylvester.  He just ate the giraffe seismologist and he wasn’t too filling.

So, like the dumb donkey he is, he wishes that he was a rock and loses grip of the magic pebble.  Well, now Sylvester is a rock.  I told you he was smart, now he gets to see how life is like being a rock.  The lion takes a piss on him and leaves him to die.  If only the lion knew the power of the magic pebble, he’d be a respected and unfeared member of the animal populace.  He’d also have fairy tales written about HIM.  But I guess not.

So, Sylvester fell asleep for 20 years.  During that time, his parents looked for him, but it was all for naught.  After three almost-divorces and taking the lion to court for kidnap and murder three times (there was no such thing as double jeopardy in Oatsdale, but there was something called justice and parental negligence), the Duncan Donkey parents forgot about their son and tried to live on without him — which wasn’t hard.  They turned his room into an exercise room and tossed out his shitty pebble collection.

So, one day the Duncans went for a picnic and a screw on Strawberry Hill where they started remembering about their son from 20 years ago.  They found a pebble on the ground which just happened to be the magic pebble and wished that Sylvester was there, so they could beat the shit out of him for leaving the house all those years ago for a stupid hobby.

Hark!  The rock Mr. Duncan had his ass on turned into their son and they beat the shit out of him like they wanted.  They dragged him home by his ear and locked him in a cage.  They put the magic pebble in an iron safe so that no one would wish for stupid shit anymore and because the Duncans were already rich from the Duncan vs. Oatsdale Police court case where the Duncans charged the Oatsdale Police with conspiracy for covering up the disappearance of Sylvester.

Little did they know, the lion would get a lawyer to prosecute the Duncans for defamation of character in the disappearance cases and would retain all of the Duncans’ possessions once they found out Sylvester was trapped in the Duncans’ house.  Which meant Sylvester would get put into slavery (since he became a possession) and the magic pebble would sit in a locked safe owned by a lion who didn’t know the combo.

This whole time, the gopher wizard was sitting at home watching Street Sharks on DVD and enjoying the company of his gopher prostitutes.

Stories, Fairy Tales

A Hop Into the Future

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There once was a rabbit, named Terrance, who got lost in the woods on the way home from school.  He had asked his crush out on a date for later that evening and hadn’t been mindful of the way he was hopping home.  In fact, the rabbit was so lost, he couldn’t even tell which direction he had gone.  The smell of the trees was different and even the ground looked different.

Little did Terrance know, he stepped through a dimensional portal and ended up in the future.  Guess that date is gonna have to wait.  But if it was in the past, it would have already happened, and he stood her up.  So I guess he’s screwed.

Anyway, Terrance was hippity-hopping along his way trying to figure out where he was, when all of a sudden a vicious hyena came out from behind a tree!  Considering hyenas don’t live in woods, Terrance had never seen a hyena before.  He politely asked the hyena where he was.

The hyena became depressed.  He popped open a package of Zanax and ate it all.

The hyena replied, “Am I not scary enough?  Oh man, I just want to kill myself.”

It was then when the hyena took out a razor and started cutting himself because he was so emo.  The rabbit didn’t understand and went along his way, until he met another hyena.

This hyena had a stupid look on his face.  He had obviously never seen a rabbit before.  And he was confused why the rabbit had a little backpack and was wearing Vans.

The new hyena inquired, “Hello there.  My name is Johnny, and I like sand.”

Although it sounded like a question, it was more of a statement.  Terrance didn’t know what to say, other than ask where he was.

Johnny replied, “Oh you’re so silly, you’re on the outskirts of Hyenapolis!”

Terrance had never heard that word before.  “What’s a Hyenapolis?”

Johnny burst into song, “Hyenapolis is the most wondrous city in all of the Urf!  We are a magical land full of magical hyenas who are used for medical experiments!”

Terrance questioned the sanity of the hyena, and went along his way.  Too bad he got caught in a trap and was shot by a hunter.  Then Hyenapolis was nuked by a terrorist seahorse civilization.  Too bad the United Nations didn’t inspect them more harshly.

Moral of the story:  Things never change.

Games, Game Reviews

WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 2010 (Xbox 360) Event Preview/Review Event

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There were two separate media events that I was able to attend for this game.  This was nearer to the end of the run for GamersMark, so I never actually did a full review of the game, but I documented my experience with playing the game at a Preview Event, which is the first portion here.

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Developer: Yuke’s Media Creations | Publisher: THQ

A recent trend in the game industry is the shift towards user-created content, and the titles that specifically encourage it. Games designed with that intent seem to have two parts to them: the part that the creators make for you to play, and the “tools” for creation that allow you to make a seemingly infinite amount of content. WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 2010 is the latest entry in the Smackdown Vs. Raw series, and this year it’s all about user content creation – “It’s Your World Now.” I attended the preview event hosted by THQ in downtown Los Angeles in late August and got a lot of hands-on time with the game.

This year, it’s more about creating your own personal game experience. There are new creation modes, new customization tools, new content, and the community is able to share everything that’s made.

The main menu itself has changed into an interactive tutorial mode of sorts, which boots up as you start the game. Here, you’re able to interact with another AI player to learn all the different moves before actually playing and learn at your own pace; tutorial tips pop up telling you how to perform certain moves or tasks in the ring as well as outside it. Once you accomplish a tip, it will check off and disappear, but you can reset them to teach a friend how to play or perhaps refresh yourself if you’ve gotten rusty. This new tutorial mode allows you to practice in many ways, on several difficulties, and preps you well for what to do during different situations.

The UI itself has received a major overhaul – it is no longer static and actually follows your character around, which is a very welcomed change. A circle with your Superstar’s stamina/momentum is constantly hovering, with an “F” or an “S” showing up when you are able to perform your Finisher or Signature move. At any time you need to be pressing a particular button, it will appear right next to your Superstar (rather than in the corner where the UI used to reside) making it a lot easier to react to the game while it’s happening.

Create-A-Superstar has been improved this year as well – and it’s a blast. Personally, I spent about an hour of the time I spent with the demo just in this mode making the most messed up characters ever seen. As I was making them, a lot of people commented about how “effed up” they looked, or how “messed up” I was. I even put a buff hairy guy in a diva’s outfit – hey, it wasn’t my fault they put it in the game to allow you to do it! But it didn’t go over so well with anyone watching, so I didn’t save him.

As a bonus, my created characters played in the background of a bunch of G4 interviews of WWE Superstars. Hornswaggle jacked the controller from me and started messing around with it during his interview (he said beforehand that he wanted to have fun with the interview and take the controller from me). People probably thought I was working for G4 since I was there playing the game behind it the whole time. At least the G4 guys found the characters I made funny.

Create-A-Superstar has received a big uplift, with all new 3D accessories that actually look and feel like they are on the character and not painted on like last year. There’s a lot of crazy, zany stuff and you can change anything into any color you want. There are also a lot of interface improvements, faster loading, and it’s just a generally more pleasant experience. 2009’s Create-A-Superstar couldn’t hold my attention as long as this year’s has, and that’s a great boon to the game. Another cool thing is the VS. Screen Pose that you can set to give your character a little more personality.

A new customization tool is the Paint Tool, which allows you to draw logos, tattoos – whatever you want, and Superstar Threads, new also, allows you to change a WWE Superstar’s costume as far as colors go. You can’t give them new costume pieces, but each wrestler can be modified in their own unique way depending on their existing outfit. This allows you to keep your favorite superstars more up-to-date as their costumes change. Three alternate attires per character are allowed, and the default one is never overwritten.

There are new Create-A-Finisher additions as well as a brand new finisher: Diving. The diving mode allows you to create Diving attacks, adjust height, speed, and many other settings. The Front Grapple finisher also has possible adjustments to speed, or other unique settings depending on what move is being changed, as well as more animations to choose from.

The biggest addition this year, however, is the Story Designer mode. Just like the Road to Wrestlemania stories in 2009, you’re able to create your own drama starring your favorite Superstars or even your created ones. You can devise matches and moments – such as backstage “discussions” – and change conditions for matches depending on the storyline you create. There is also a cutscene creator that allows you to direct animations and emotions, and even includes a free camera to swoop in on a situation however you like. You can also set up the movies that play in the background during an entrance, have people run in during matches, and even have characters hit by cars or make the vehicle itself explode. There is a lot of options to choose from.

Content sharing is now a big part about the game (if you’re one of the types of people to spend a ton of time making content within the game’s bounds you’re most likely going to want to show it to other people). With THQ’s online search engine you can search for whatever you feel like downloading – a created superstar, custom stories, a finisher or any other type of user content that can expand your personal game experience. You can also preview stuff before saving it, and if you see something that is inappropriate, you’re able to flag it as such for review.

In the Road to Wrestlemania mode, there will be six new stories, including a diva story, and a Create-A-Superstar story. There will be interactive cutscenes to allow you to decide how a superstar acts in their situation, as well as multi-branching story endings so that the decisions you make actually make an impact on how everything goes down.

There’s a planned 60 superstars for the roster this year, and of course ECW is back again. For those with a Wii console who played Smackdown Vs. Raw 2009, rest assured that all of the features that are in the 360 and PS3 versions will be included in the Wii release as well. The Wii version will also get a control overhaul to be more on par with the other versions, and both the Classic and GameCube controllers will be supported. The DS release will have a couple of exclusive features such as a trading card system – to trade cards with friends – and an exclusive match type called Ambulance Match.

The game is slated for an October 20 release. With over 46 million games sold in the franchise, the game should expect to do quite well during the holiday season, especially with all the new content creation modes.

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As I mentioned previously, G4 decided to take some video with me as a backdrop and while I was playing with my deformed created wrestlers.  I was playing in the background for at least 85% of the interview shots.  You can first see me at 1m 32s.

Before the interviews started, Cody Rhodes and Dolph Ziggler made comments about how weird it was and asked if I knew who they were.  They were new at the time, so I didn’t know and they pointed out what their wrestling personas were.  Also, the take where Hornswaggle took the controller from me was not included in the video.

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The following is what I wrote after attending the Review Event in late October.  The purpose was to get a good two or three hours with the game for purposes of review.  We had a press conference, meals, a couple of meetings, and the hands-on with the game on the second day.  They also gave us lots of free shit, most of which I currently still have laying around my room.

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Last week I had the pleasure of attending the Smackdown vs. Raw 2010 Review Event hosted by THQ. After being given a presentation that showed the final production of many of the things mentioned in my Preview for the game we had a chance to mess around and see the game in action.

All of the unfinished game modes and creation modes were available to play at the event.   While much of the game is pretty much what to expect from Smackdown vs. Raw, there are always additions and improvements made to the game. As far as game modes go, this year the Royal Rumble was given a complete reworking. The mode is now a lot more representative of what you would expect, and a bit more fun. There are now multiple ways to push your opponent out of the ring, and once they’re out – they’re out. When you try and push an opponent out of the ring, a mini-game of sorts will play out – either making you button mash like crazy or hitting a button at a precise moment to make sure your opponent is defeated.

The big Create Mode added this year is the Scene Editor – and it looks like it’ll be a blast once you get used to its little quirks and options. While sitting and messing around with it for about thirty minutes didn’t allow me to fully get used to the scope of the mode, there are quite a few options to play around with, such as casting, location, and textual speech. The mode may feel lacking only because you don’t get to hear any actual voices (you can’t record any either), but the potential of just having fun messing around with it is well worth the addition.

All the versions of the game looked very good on the HDTVs that they had. There was some discussion about why the PS3 version didn’t look as good as the 360 version, but nothing conclusive – we had no idea whether or not the particular station was just not set up correctly or if that was actually indicative of the PS3 version being slightly worse. However, the differences are so minute that it isn’t even something to worry about.

Wii owners this year will also be pleasantly surprised at the fact that 99% of the content in the PS3/360 versions made its way over to the Wii. The biggest difference, however, is that there is no Tutorial mode. The Wii is also back to supporting straight button input, so there is no more waving your hands around to play, which is apparently what Wii owners wanted out of 2010. In addition, 2010 will support all the Wii’s possible controllers – Wiimote/Nunchuck, Classic Controller, and the GameCube controller.

WWE’s “The Miz” came by to attend the event, as well, and put a little fun into the day. He made a hilarious ruckus about “only being a 78” according to the game’s Overall Rating system, and gave one of the game designers, Bryan Williams, a tough time about it since he just won the US Championship on last week’s Raw. It was quite funny seeing Bryan getting put on the spot like that, and profusely apologizing about having him at that rating, stating it would be different in next year’s game.

There was also a character creation workshop in which everyone made their own characters to compete against one another and win the approval of The Miz. At the end of the workshop, it came down to two characters – my pregnant 8 foot tall “Angry Smurf” named Rodney Cornsmithe and another character that was a recreation of the actual person making the character whom I’ll just call Sunglass Man. The Miz was simply dumbfounded when he looked upon my creation, but he ended up picking Sunglass Man, with my character becoming the “THQ winner,” as picked by another game designer attending the event.

Look for Gamersmark’s full review of Smackdown vs. Raw 2010 later this month.

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Unfortunately that review never came to fruition as it was nearer to the end of GamersMark.  I was generally very pleased with the game, and was probably going to give it a 9.5/10.

 

Games, Game Reviews

Singstar Pop Vol. 2 (PS2) Review

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Developer/Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment || Overall: 8.0/10

Music games seem to be all the rage these days. When Guitar Hero came out it unearthed a new market for music games, allowing for the eventual “full band” music game in Guitar Hero: World Tour and Rock Band. However, only a few genres of music fit into this “full band” experience, leaving many genres of music out in the cold. The SingStar series lends itself towards being able to cover practically any song that has vocals in it, allowing for a more diversified line-up of genres in each edition of the game.

Thirty songs usually come in each SingStar title, and SingStar Pop Vol. 2 is no exception. Some songs that I like that made it into the game are “Duran Duran – Ordinary World,” “Evanescence – Bring Me To Life,” “Lifehouse – First Time,” “Sum 41 – Fat Lip,” and “The Outfield – Your Love.” Some really weird choices that I can’t even bring myself to play are songs like “Boys Like Girls – The Great Escape,” “Santana Feat. Chad Kroger – Into the Night,” and “Ashlee Simpson – Boyfriend.”

While there are more hits than misses in the compilation, I found the selection of songs mostly satisfying for a karaoke game. Being more used to Rock Band’s vocal visual system, I found it harder to keep in tune with the song (as much as I could, considering how horrible I am at singing in the first place) and say the words at the same time. SingStar Pop Vol. 2 is the first karaoke-only game I’ve really played when one considers that Rock Band itself is a mish-mash of karaoke and beat-keeping.

Vocal skills not withstanding, I did have a fun time playing the game with my roommates. Essentially, the game is a party game – something to play with other people in the same room as yourself. A caveat that comes with that, though, is that even though there are 30 songs to perform, it never feels like there’s enough. Both players have to agree on a song they want to sing, and sometimes that comes down to three or four songs that both want to try, let alone knowing how the song goes enough to attempt singing it. More often than not people don’t even want to try singing songs they don’t know.

Though you can hook up only two microphones, you can play with up to eight players through the game’s different modes. Other than straight out duels between two players, most of them consist of passing the mic to the next person in line after dividing up players into teams. The modes aren’t all that different from each other, but there’s only so much you can really do and most of that is already in the game.

Something that is also really nice about the SingStar games is the user interface. It looks slick, and looks cool even when simply messing around in the menu system as you set up your next game. It’s not overly complicated either, which results in getting what you want most of the time. While you play the game, the music video for the song plays in the background, so that during sequences where there may be solos or intros, you have something to watch while waiting for the vocals to come back in. Plus, it helps keep the other players occupied.

SingStar is based on points, and how many you earn during a song is the comparative factor against your opponent. Unlike other music games where you have to perform to a certain degree or get punished by “losing,” SingStar just lets you go through the whole song, no matter how horrible you are. In a way, it makes the game more fluid and the overall objective goes away from “beating” the song and more towards beating your opponent or getting the highest score you can.

On the PS2, SingStar games are typically available with the mics or without them at a cheaper price. New editions of the series come in at $40, while the packs with the mics can cost anywhere from $60 to $80 considering where you shop for it. The EyeToy can also be used in most (if not all) the SingStar games for extra functionality. Another cool aspect of the series is that it treats them all like the same game. The ability to swap out discs and quickly jump into another set of songs is a wonderful feature. PS3 users take note: This unfortunately didn’t work on my 60GB PS3 when I tried it, and it resulted in having to restart the console.

If you like straight-out karaoke games and still only have a PS2, the SingStar series is going to be the perfect game for your collection. While buying them all at the same time would cost a pretty penny, it’ll be worth it once a party gets going and people want to look through more songs, especially if you like most of the songs on any one edition. There’s also the promise of a future update to the PS3’s firmware that will allow the PS2 SingStar games to communicate with the PS3 versions, which would put more use to the PS2 versions of the game.

Games, Game Reviews

Yggdra Union: We’ll Never Fight Alone (PSP) Review

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Developer: Sting Entertainment | Publisher: Atlus || Overall: 4.0/10

Yggdra Union from Atlus has a seemingly awkward place in the PSP library. It’s practically a straightforward GBA-to-PSP port, so it’s quite obvious that it won’t be visually pleasing. Yggdra Union is essentially the GBA game with some voice-overs and possibly some other improvements that are harder to gauge.

Typically in tactical strategy games there are two teams fighting against each other on more-or-less even ground. One would expect there to be new challenges here and there, just as long as both sides followed the same basic rules of gameplay.

Not in Yggdra Union.

If there ever was a tactical strategy game that made me want to play on the enemy’s side, it’s Yggdra Union. It’s almost amazing to me how two different games are going on at the same time, with the advantage always (and I really mean it) going to the opposition.

Now, there’s lots of needless complication to Yggdra Union. Even after playing over 20 hours, I still have trouble knowing which button does what in the game. In light of the confusion, I’ll spare you a helping and get down to the basics. The basis of combat relies on cards. You get a certain amount of cards, which you use for moving and performing actions during battle. Once you use a card to move, or create a Union (the game’s term for a battle), the card becomes unusable for the rest of the current map you are on. The same does not hold true for your enemy, however. They have one card to use and they keep using it over and over. Okay, I’ll give them that. During battle, however, is where this difference becomes even more of a factor in the gameplay.

When creating a Union, you can enter into a battle with other units as long as they match the certain formation the initiator of the Union has. Why this matters, I’m not sure, but it adds some sort of strategy to the game in the long run. The map itself is also very restrictive as far as positioning units in strategic ways. There are no “extra” pieces of the grid to traverse and flank an enemy, as the current map you are on has a bare minimum of squares required to accomplish whatever the current goal happens to be.

During a battle, there is a gauge at the top of the screen that you can fill up by going Passive or drain by going Aggressive. The higher the bar is filled, the more likely it will be that you will win the battle. Of course, its not assured as other factors are taken into consideration. When you go Aggressive and drain your bar, the likelihood of you winning goes even higher, but only until the bar is drained before going to normal. Going Passive refills it, but your troops are then more susceptible to losing.

Here’s the kicker: Take everything I said in the last paragraph and throw it out. Your opposition doesn’t have to worry about that at all, since they have a “Rage” bar that constantly fills according to the amount of time you spend in battle. Not only that, any amount of Rage that is built up from the first fight in a battle is rolled over to the next fight to benefit the next unit. The gauge you build up does not roll over in the same fashion, as yours is seemingly random considering how well off you are against your enemy.

The only thing that your Passive/Aggressive bar and the Rage bar have in common is that it grants access to a special ability when full. Your opposition can use the card’s special abilities from the get go, while you have to wait until the seventh map of the game (about eight hours in for me) before even finding out why cards are named something. The inability to use special abilities until that point in the game is absurd, especially when the opposition is able to use their card’s special abilities from the beginning of the game.

Particular cards also have Ace Types, which means only a unit that matches the Ace Type can use the card’s special abilities (as long as all other conditions are met). There are three basic weapons – Sword, Spear, and Axe. Sword is better than Axe is better than Spear is better than Sword. Using that formula, you are able to sweep through your enemies, as long as you have the right units attacking against a weapon type that is weaker.

And then, to top it all off, three more types of weaponry are added in halfway through the game. Sword/Spear/Axe are all better than Bows (except when attacking, and you can’t counterattack against a Bow), Rods (better than Sword/Spear/Axe) and something that looks like a Rock that is just tossed in somewhere, which isn’t exactly explained plainly enough for anyone to understand.

Really, Yggdra Union ends up a Chess-style game in which the other guy can take any piece he wants whenever he wants and says “live with it.” There’s something random tossed in each level that completely messes you up without giving you any ability to counteract it. You are constantly put at a disadvantage, seemingly out of spite, with no real rewards for finally succeeding and beating the challenge. Not even the story’s progression rewards you with much of anything interesting or suspenseful.

There are lots of voice-overs, but voicing as a whole is conspicuously thin. The voice actors themselves aren’t bad, which is a boon to the already low production values of the title. Needless to say, the sound effects, graphics, and pretty much everything about the game look like a GBA game, but that’s because it is a GBA game. Watching battles unfold isn’t particularly interesting either, and even though there is a “HIGH” speed option available, its still not fast enough for me.

Yggdra Union will make you hate yourself for playing. It is a fairly unique game, but only in the sense that there are so many weird things about it that make you frustrated. Some friendly user interface additions would go a long way to at least making the game somewhat more pleasant. What it comes down to, however, is that Yggdra Union is a poor strategy game in its very bearings, with very little actual strategy to experience, and more fumbling around with cards and weapon types than necessary instead.