“The best vacation I ever took was to Lake Tahoe because it was neat and I went somewhere else than to Las Vegas for out-of-state-trips. I had no mishaps. I’d like to spend a vacation on the moon!”
– davepoobond
Tag Archives: Las Vegas
Joke #18565
Setting off the alarm while passing through a metal detector at McCarran Airport in Las Vegas, a blonde traveler was asked by a security agent if she had any change in her pockets.
“Gee,” the blonde says, turning towards her husband, I told you we should of gone to Florida instead…..everyone here expects to be tipped.”
Joke #18046
Q: Where does the king of the boa constrictors stay when he’s in Las Vegas?
A: Squeezer’s (Caesar’s) Palace.
Joke #12848
Two New York gamblers won big at Las Vegas and decided to take a cab all the way from Nevada to Manhattan. As they were getting into the cab, one man said to the other, You’d better get in first.”
“Why?” asked the other.
“Because I have to get off at Forty-first Street and you don’t get off until Fifty-ninth.”
Joke #12493
Inflation is worse than I thought. Last week I beat a one-armed bandit in Las Vegas, and the slot machine paid me off in I.O.U.’s.
The Vegas Sea Turtle
Once there was a sea turtle and he lived in the desert. He lived in Las Vegas and was a full-time gambler. That was his job. He’d plunk down hundreds of dollars playing Ultimate Poker.
So, anyway, the sea turtle was thirsty and he went to a water fountain. Instead of getting water, he got mugged and shot in the head.
Then a crazy scientist stole his body from the city morgue (fortunately for the assailant, no body = no crime) and cut his body up into 3000 horizontal slices and put him on display in a Vegas exhibit to confuse children while their parents lost their college funds.
Moral of the story: Don’t bring your children to shitty Vegas exhibits they don’t want to be at.
herrer
herrer – n. the most sought after shirt in Las Vegas
salang
salang – n. a steamy Vegas porn party
Joke #9251: Look for the Union Label
A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, “Is this a union house?”
“No,” she replied, “I’m sorry it isn’t.”
“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20.”
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madame responded, “Why yes sir, this IS a union house.”
The man asked, “And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”
“That’s more like it!” the UPS man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. “I’d like her for the night.”
“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the madame, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has seniority.”
Lost Wages
Lost Wages – n. another name for Las Vegas