Barney’s dead
I shot him in the head
He’s at home
With a crack in his head
Tag Archives: home
Joke #18666
My partner and I were in our police car when we were dispatched to break up a domestic dispute.
We spoke with the couple, and the problem was quickly resolved.
On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their turn-of-the-century home and reached for what I thought was the front door.
Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in embarrassment when my partner tried to cover for me by saying…
“If you have any more problems, we’ll be in your closet.”
Joke #18600
The other day while driving home, after being delayed at my office, I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror.
The police officer pulled me over for speeding. Hoping for a little leniency I explained to him that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary.
But rather than letting me off with just a warning, he went ahead and wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, “Congratulations! The first year is paper, right?”
Joke #18544
My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah (4) and Hannah (2) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, “Daddy, what are we doing?”
My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.
Sarah asked “Are you gonna buy a new house?”
Dad replied “Maybe.”
Then Sarah said with much concern, “But Dad, how will we get it HOME?!”
Joke #18535
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
“Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme?'” she asked.
“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and eleven children.”
“Is that a record?” she inquired, puzzled in her turn.
“I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.”
Joke #18459
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
Joke #18381
Q: Why don’t trees go on trips?
A: Because they’re afraid to leaf home.
Joke #18293
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Waiter.
Waiter who?
Waiter (wait till) your father gets home!
Joke #18260
Q: How do you know when a monster’s not at home?
A: His answering machine is turned on.
Joke #18070
England’s West Country is known for its charming cottage-like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting-looking books. So she went inside.
A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked, “Can I help you?”
“No, just browsing,” said my friend.
“Fine,” came the reply. “But so you know, around here most people knock before entering someone’s home.”
Joke #18060
Q: Where do foster frogs come from?
A: Croaken homes.
Joke #17464
Q: What is another name for a cat’s home?
A: A scratch pad!
Joke #17444
Q: Why do some of our canine friends prefer to stay home?
A: Because it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there!
She was really __ in public, but she was hated at home
Loading ...Quote #16325
“go home and play…stuff”
– from somewhere around davepoobond’s high school