MC Disc Protector makes amazing points in his ridiculous rap “Don’t Copy That Floppy.” Remember when it was so easy to copy a floppy disk game onto another floppy disk? NO, BECAUSE SOME RAPPER GUY ALWAYS HACKS INTO YOUR COMPUTER AND PLAYS HIS STUPID SONG! This is essentially an annoying 10 minute song. Also, I think there’s a lot of innuendo between the white kid and the black chick.
Tag Archives: computer
First Day of Working Out
Well, I started working out this week on Thursday. It was sort of fun being able to do the exercises with someone else. I’ve never really done exercises with anyone else and its good to have a friend there cause he can tell me what I’m doing wrong or tell me how to exercise more efficiently than I would otherwise.
I’m not a health guru or even that knowledgeable about things you can do in the gym so its nice to be able to have someone there.
Recently my mom has been drilling into me that I am almost thirty years old (I’m only 25), and practically telling me that I’m fat and unsuccessful. She’s told me that she regretted sending me to college because my major has done nothing for me. I think its terribly unfair that she says these things because she’s making it seem like my life is already over. She says I have no ambition and that may be true, but ambition isn’t for everyone. I don’t see how doing random things that she envisions me doing that I have no interest in doing dictates whether or not I have ambition or not. The things I am ambitious about are all with the internet, with my web site and my ability to create, and that’s good enough for me.
In either case, it wasn’t so much of a wake-up call as it was just making myself better, and having enough of living the way I have been. Yes, I want to make my mom stop telling me to lose weight and to stop poking and prodding me to getting a job, but if its not those things it’d be another. That’s always how it’s been with her. In high school when I wasn’t “dangerously” overweight (I was still overweight, I’ve always felt that way) it was me being on the computer too much or me spending too much time playing games, or whatever. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Those things haven’t directly affected anything in my life, and blaming anything but my own attitude and complacency would be a scapegoat.
Apple Live Chat #21331
• You are chatting with David J, an Apple Expert
David J: Hi, my name is David J. Welcome to Apple!
David J: Good evening!
davepoobond: Hello
David J: How may I assist you?
David J: Hello!
davepoobond: I was just clicking around and saw the Live Chat thing, but I think i may have already solved my own problem cause i opened an expresslane thing
davepoobond: my mouse’s mouse ball stopped working
davepoobond: and this is the second mouse im on, i have applecare and all
David J: I’m sorry to hear that.
David J: Did you rub the mouse button over a cleaning cloth? Sometimes that will clear it up.
davepoobond: i did, and in doing so the mouse ball seemed to start getting damaged
davepoobond: i see some stripping on the mouse ball
David J: It would still be covered under the Applecare plan if it is defective.
David J: You can continue on the express lane and contact AppleCare or call them tomorrow at 1800-275-2273
David J: 9-9 EST daily.
davepoobond: and i tried it after i cleaned it and the clicks dont seem to work either.
davepoobond: thank you, i’ll definitely call them tomorrow
David J: Is there anything else I can help you with?
davepoobond: do you have tips on how i can avoid this again with my next mouse, though?
David J: What operating system are you using?
davepoobond: mac
davepoobond: os x
David J: Tiger? Leopard? Snow Leopard?
davepoobond: Snow Leopard
David J: How much ram is your computer using?
davepoobond: 1 gig
David J: Here’s an interesting thing that happened with my mouse.
David J: I had the same problem with the trackball not working often. But when I upgraded to more ram in my computer, it works perfectly fine.
davepoobond: ah interesting
David J: Do you know if you can upgrade your ram?
davepoobond: yeah the apple book told me i could
David J: Go ahead and give AppleCare a call and see what they recommend. Then ask them about upgrading the ram to see if that can help.
davepoobond: will do. sounds like an awesome idea
David J: 1800-275-2273
David J: 9-9 EST daily.
David J: Is there anything else I can help you with?
davepoobond: yeah, just so that i know you’re not completely nuts, please just tell me you were joking about the ram thing
David J: Actually, no it worked!
David J: I upgraded from 2gb of ram to 8gb and my mouse no longer has trouble scrolling.
David J: Maybe it was just coincidental, but I haven’t had an issue with it at all!
davepoobond: i dont believe in coincidence. i belive in fate.
David J: Do you have an Apple store near you?
davepoobond: yeah
David J: You can take the mouse by the store and test it out and see if it works with more ram!
David J: If not, then let the store take a look at it and see if it is defective and in need of being replaced.
David J: They can also show you how to clean it properly.
davepoobond: awesome, sounds like a plan.
David J: Is there anything else I can help you with?
davepoobond: No, thank you, i appreciate your help.
David J: Thank you for visiting the Apple Store. We appreciate your business. If you would like more help, please chat with us again.
Joke #21241: Parachute Situation
You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?
–
Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service agent: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
Economist: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
Psychoanalyst: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
Dramatist: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Artist: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.
Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.
Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.
Association of Tobacco Growers representative: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health.
Major To Major
I’ll say a sentence, and for various majors, I will translate for you:
–
“In physics class, he almost fell on the slippery floor.”
Physics: “In physics class, the coefficient of friction was such that he almost collided with the ground at an impact which would be painful, but he quickly shifted his center of mass to overcome the change in displacement of his feet in relation to the rest of his body.”
Education: “Now class, make sure you watch where you step, or you might fall down and get a boo-boo!”
Business: “Judging from our third quarter report, sales are down because the floor was slippery, but our stockholders will catch us if Human Resources gets their act together.”
Chemistry: “Ka-blamo!”
Sports Management: “STEVENSON! GET YOUR ASS OFF THE FLOOR! THIS ISN’T A SLUMBER PARTY! I WANT YOU TO RUN 30 MORE LAPS!”
Theatre: “Alas, science has fallen me yet again. This floor, laden with water of Hades, seeks to claim my soul. Lo! If only thou wouldst catch me at my utmost diagonal juxtaposition, your thanks would be mine to give.”
Art: “The pea green chalkboard distracted the fleshy-colored person from the transparent water, and he slipped on the beige floor.”
Pre-law: “Your Honor, my client, the floor, had no involvement in the slippage, as the water was placed there without the floor’s consent. The floor is not slippery given the right conditions. I move for a mis-trial.”
Undecided: “Uh…..”
History: “The Mayans were a very advanced civilization. Many Mayan scholars were learned in physics, and pretty much everyone knew that if a floor was slippery, to let their slaves to mop it up and put a wet floor sign up.”
Computer Science:
try {
Walk->chalkboard;
if (floor == slippery)
throw (walking_error(Sussman));
}
catch (exception & fall) {
cout << fall.what() << “You almost fell. Nerd.” endl;
}
Music: “Why would I go to physics? My major involves learning nothing.”
Liberal Studies: “Same here.”
Psychology: “The floor’s inferiority complex conflicted with the subconscious of him, who wished nothing more than to walk over it like he did with his former self.”
Political Science: “If I’m elected, I will do everything in my power to ensure that our floors will never be too slippery. Vote for me.”
French: “Haw haw haw! You silly American pig!”
–
“You just can’t eat hot soup with your bare hands.”
Theology: “Thou shalt not consume unleavened bread with thine arms of God.”
Theatre: “Soup tempt me no further! Silverware must I use to defeat thee!”
Physics: “It is impossible to transfer soup of at least 120°F into one’s mouth using an apparatus, like hands, which cannot withstand the heat.”
Undecided: “Uhhhhhh.”
Education: “Now, Goldilocks thought the first bowl of porridge was too hot, but she didn’t have a spoon to use.”
Computer Science:
Soup campbell(cream_of_potato);
campbell.cook(5) // Cook for 5 minutes
if (!fork && campbell.temp() >= too_hot)
{ campbell.spill_down_your_shirt();
campbell.scream_in_agony();
}
Marketing: “This soup is hot hot hot! Too hot for hands! Only $99.95! Call now and we’ll throw in these special soup-eating gloves!”
Psychology: “Your hands are jealous of the soup and its intensity. This stems back to a repressed childhood memory in which your parents used to feed you strained peas which were way too hot and you cried.”
French: “We call soup bouillabaisse. Haw haw haw!”
Journalism: “Twelve ounces of soup were detained Monday when it scalded the hands of a local moron, authorities said.”
Music:
“Vegetable! (Vegetable!)
Chicken noodle! (Chicken noodle!)
Alphabet! (Alphabet!)
Spaghettios! (That ain’t soup!)
Matzoh ball! (Matzoh ball!)
Split pea! (No soup for you!)
Minestrone! (Minestrone!)
Tom Kha Gai! (That soup’s hot!)
Leeky-leeky! (Leeky-leeky!)
Wonton! (Wonton!)
Gazpacho! (You can do that!)”
– Da Vinci’s Notebook, “Hot Soup”
–
“The Devil Rays will not win the World Series this year.”
Theatre: “A dagger through my heart, and a baseball through my legs, our misled fish of the Devil shalt finish last.”
Nursing: “Doctor! The pitching staff is choking! Perform the Heimlich!”
Communications: “We need to tell people that the D-Rays suck, but by using as much technology as possible so it gets to all corners of the globe 1/100th of a second faster.
Undecided: “Uhh…”
Education: “Now class, it’s not whether you win or lose, but whether or not you finish in last place every year you’ve been in existence.”
Computer Science:
DevilRays.setLosses(100);
DevilRays.fire(“Lou Piniella”);
DevilRays.contract();
Music: “I have a useless major, but at least I got paid 50 bucks to sing the National Anthem.”
Journalism: “The Devil Rays, the minor league team of the Yankees, suffered another losing season and drew a total of 200 fans.”
Spanish: “I can’t talk right now. I have to get on a raft and defect to America, so I can play for the horrible Tampa Bay team.”
Ridiculous Spam Mail #21049: They Can’t Be Serious!
If you are at home or at work and are using a top-of-the-line computer, you have roughly 42 million transistors that are maxed out at 100 billion operations per second. Not bad, heh? That should be all that one person needs, right?
Well, Intel is saying that they are going to be releasing a chip by 2007 that will have a billion transistors and will perform a trillion operations in one second!
Let me put this in perspective for you by saying that, according to an msnbc.com article, it would take 15,000 years for a person to flip a
light switch a trillion times.
We know by experience that if Intel is doing it, then other major companies will be right behind or just in front of that mark. The best part about this projection is that they are to consume the same amount of power as today’s processors.
The transistors are micro circuits that bring semiconductors to life, in this case they are going to be bringing a whole lot of life! So if you think your computer is fast now, just give the industry a couple of years.
Quote #21025
“The computer helps advertisers create such images as cars turning into tigers and moviemakers to show images like the blood of a Klingon floating across the movie screen. Using the computer as a canvas, artists are changing the way we see the world.”
– from davepoobond’s 7th Grade Math Book
Quote #21024
“The computer is quickly becoming the paintbrush of the movie and advertising industries. Animators and commercial artists use software graphics programs to shape three-dimensional objects that look very realistic.”
– from davepoobond’s 7th Grade Math Book
In the last 3 months, which of the following products have you used to poo?
Loading ...Hate Mail #20274
Submitted through the blonde joke submission form
–
name = poopy pants
email =
use_email = no
bjoke = hi im a blonde and your mean for doing this and so what if there is white out all over the computer and the paper still came out with mistakes on it.
The Internet Situation
Joke #18735
Bill Gates my father is not.
As church treasurer, he had two files, one labeled “St. Mary’s Income” and one labeled “St. Mary’s Expenditures.”
While copying them from a Macintosh to a PC, he had no idea the PC would automatically truncate the file names to ten characters, eliminate spaces, and replace apostrophes with periods.
Now the church’s income is stored in “St.Mary.sin” and expenses in “St.Mary.sex.”
Joke #18644
I manage a large discount bookstore and was amused by a phone conversation one of my salesclerks had with a new computer user.
The caller asked if we carried “Linux for Dummies.”
“No,” the clerk replied, “but we do sell ‘The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Linux.'”
The man groaned and said, “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Linux is way over my head!”
What NOT to Put on a Resume
These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume:
– Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.
– Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
– My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
– Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.
– Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.
– I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
– I am a rabid typist.
– Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.
– Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.
– I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.
– References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.
– Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.
– My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
– I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.
– I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail.
– Qualifications: No education or experience.
– Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.
– Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!
Joke #18629
In my job with a delivery company, I was getting phone directions to a customer’s home.
The woman very specifically said, “From the main road in the center of town go two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past one red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right, and the number is on the mailbox.”
As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, “What color is your house?”
The woman paused a second and said, “Hold on. I’ll go check.”