Category Archives: People

People that are screwed up.

Essay on the Iceman

I wrote this in 6th grade for class.

The Iceman is the best preserved human ever found. He was found in Italy. Nobody knew where he came from or who he was.

The Iceman’s clothing was a cape, shoes with grass on the inside (found only in the Alps), a leather sole in each of his shoes, and ibex shoelaces. He also had a coat made of animal skins and a leather pouch. The Iceman is about 5,300 years old. He was said to have lived in the New Stone Age or “Neolithic Epoch.”

The Iceman had some tools. His tools were: a flint knife and a metal blade ax made of copper with a wooden handle. He also had a quiver of arrows, and a wooden bow.

His copper blade ax had a wooden handle but strangely enough the Neolithic Epoch was before the Copper Age when Copper was first found, so what was a Neolithic man doing with a copper blade for an ax? That’s something that we might never know.

3 Pennies

stimpyismyname had 3 pennies.

He told me that if I guessed which they’d all land on, I could keep the pennies.

If it didn’t land on what I guessed, I had to give him 3 pennies.

I guessed that they would all be tails, and when he tossed them on the ground, they were all tails, but he said I said all heads.

The bastard ended up taking the pennies.

Edgar Allen Poe SUCKS

I think I wrote this in 10th grade.

Edgar Allen Poe SUCKS.

Very much so.

When I was writing this, I was sitting through my English class listening to a guy on a tape reading the story “The House of Usher” …which is complete and total crap! I hate how he writes his stories and poems.

The stories have too much description or something. There seems to be sentences within sentences within sentences, and it seems like they’re all fancy words put together to they make each other more fancy, and then there is no real story it seems.

Ooooh. The end of all his stories are so scary…you’re expected to get scared with “-she was dead,” like at the end of “The Oval Portrait”

Ooh. Scary. Dumb. “Never more?” Oooh. Scary.


Looking Back At: Oh Minseok the Rebel Korean

This entry is part 2 of 2 in the series Looking Back At

One of the few things I think seriously about is spam e-mail.  Not only do people actually spend the time to write out huge paragraphs as some random African country’s prince – which is called role playing where I come from (The Internet), sometimes you’ve got to wonder about whether or not a few of these “situations” may in fact be real.

Let us hark back to Oh Minseok.

I got a spam mail once that wasn’t trying to sell me anything.  It wasn’t trying to convince me to give my social security number to get a million hot dogs shipped to me from Uruguay, although I would seriously contemplate the prospect – this spam mail I got was about how Korean electronics companies were trying to kill him and how he needed help because they were hacking him and essentially trying to stab him through the computer screen.

Now, there are likely two possibilities that had made this e-mail come about.

One, he is an insane paranoid Korean who somehow learned English (but obviously not very well) and somehow got access to a mailing list with a million people on it, one of those being me.

Or, second, he actually is trying to be killed by Samsung.  I usually like to give people the benefit of the doubt, even if they are insane, so I honestly think he is trying to be killed by Samsung because Samsung is involved in crimes and is paying off police to not investigate them.  Not only that, but they’re in collusion with Hyundai!

Sounds plausible, right?  I certainly think so.

I wouldn’t think it’d be that hard to piss Samsung off, considering you could fart in their plasma television screens and piss into their liquid crystal vats.  That’s probably what Oh Minseok did.  And Hyundai probably bought a lot of those little LCD screens from Samsung to put into their stupid cars and were none too pleased to see piss ooze out of the screens.

So, whoever this Oh Minseok guy is, I’m sure he’s probably dead because someone he spammed this to tracked him down and sold his location to Samsung.  I think the last thing I’d ever do if I were being hunted down by a corporation that ignores the world’s laws and can apparently pay off any police force it feels like would be to post across the whole internet that they are trying to kill me.

5-and-5 About Playing Video Games

A friend of mine told me to play one to two hours max of PS3 and/or PC games today and then write 5 positive things about the time I spent and 5 negative things about the time I spent.

So here’s the Positive 5:

1. Slowly expanding my knowledge of video games (design, gameplay, etc).

2. Getting more of whatever I needed in the particular game I played.

3. Sense of accomplishment for getting through in-game assigned goals.

4. Didn’t happen today, but I usually get to interact with other people I usually play with.

5. Unique to this hour of playtime I had, I did not get frustrated because no in-game elements greatly impeded what I had set out to do in-game.

and the Negative 5:

1. Spent an hour or two of the day doing that instead of doing something else.

2. Adds to spending money on games because once I get through a certain amount of time playing a game I usually play the next game.

3. Sometimes I feel completely bored with playing and just don’t want to do it anymore, which I’ve been cutting down a lot of game time and working on getting through other things.

4. Its a never-ending cycle with the game I play, there’s always something more to do.

5. It starts to feel like a chore if I start to do things I don’t want to do in the game.

I spent most of my day working on my web site and watching episodes of 24.  I started watching the show over the past couple days and I’m almost through Season 1.

I honestly feel that the positives of playing games for a shorter amount of time than say 3 or 4 hours outweigh the negatives for that period of time.  But after 3 hours, the whole day becomes wasted and the next is almost ready to start.

I am also currently pursuing a job opportunity with Blizzard and having a wide-variety of gaming knowledge as well as knowledge of their games will benefit me if they want to interview or hire me for a game tester position at their company.  I think it would be a pretty amazing opportunity to work at Blizzard, not to mention it would be an associative use for my major from college.

First Day of Working Out

Well, I started working out this week on Thursday.  It was sort of fun being able to do the exercises with someone else.  I’ve never really done exercises with anyone else and its good to have a friend there cause he can tell me what I’m doing wrong or tell me how to exercise more efficiently than I would otherwise.

I’m not a health guru or even that knowledgeable about things you can do in the gym so its nice to be able to have someone there.

Recently my mom has been drilling into me that I am almost thirty years old (I’m only 25), and practically telling me that I’m fat and unsuccessful.  She’s told me that she regretted sending me to college because my major has done nothing for me.  I think its terribly unfair that she says these things because she’s making it seem like my life is already over.  She says I have no ambition and that may be true, but ambition isn’t for everyone.  I don’t see how doing random things that she envisions me doing that I have no interest in doing dictates whether or not I have ambition or not.  The things I am ambitious about are all with the internet, with my web site and my ability to create, and that’s good enough for me.

In either case, it wasn’t so much of a wake-up call as it was just making myself better, and having enough of living the way I have been.  Yes, I want to make my mom stop telling me to lose weight and to stop poking and prodding me to getting a job, but if its not those things it’d be another.  That’s always how it’s been with her.  In high school when I wasn’t “dangerously” overweight (I was still overweight, I’ve always felt that way) it was me being on the computer too much or me spending too much time playing games, or whatever.  If it’s not one thing, it’s another.  Those things haven’t directly affected anything in my life, and blaming anything but my own attitude and complacency would be a scapegoat.

Mr. P-yooson

Mr. P-yooson is a math teacher where davepoobond went to high school.

Mr. P-yooson is a big basketball fan of the Lakers, and never wears deodorant.  You can always smell him as he grinds his teeth and walks past you.  He may not acknowledge your existence as he walks past you, but its hard to not acknowledge his when he triggers more than just your sense of sight.

Mr. P-yooson’s nickname to some is “The Human Knife” and could very well pass off as a Bill Gates look-a-like.

Mr. BurnFur

Mr. BurnFur was davepoobond and stimpyismyname’s high school P.E. teacher.

Somewhere along the way, I had heard that Mr. BurnFur was fired from his job for hitting a student with his clipboard, and the student took action against him.

I don’t know for sure if this is true or not.  But he wasn’t seen on campus for a while after that “incident.”

Dr. OldNBald

Dr. OldNBald IS a teacher.

Dr. OldNBald is a horrible teacher. When he teaches us new stuff he always uses variables and never does examples for us with real numbers.  That’s why we did so bad in his class, and when we asked him to do examples with numbers, he refuses. You might as well sleep in the class, and you’d get the same amount of useful information.  And he makes his tests hard on purpose, and most fail. The only ones that didn’t were ones with tutors.

The Guard

Okay, so this one day I was riding my bike home from (private) school, when this security guard in front of the mall rides after me all fast. He was pretty young, but older than me. That was for sure. Yeah. no… yeah.

I didnt do anything wrong, so I kept it cool and rode my bike at an average speed. I was at the corner of Market St. and Gray Ave. The security guard rides his bike up behind me and was all like “okay, you take this side, and I’ll take this side.” and I was all like “what the fuck are you talking about?” and he just repeated himself.

I told him that i didnt do anything, and that he should go back to the mall but he was all like “I’m done there.” I’m all confused and I’m like “Okay, good for you buddy.”

I go home and put on my robe and slippers, almost forgetting about the strange day. I told my mom to fetch me my pipe, and then at 4:30, I always have to clean Bob’s… err… my step dad’s car and shoot some hoops with that douchebag.

Going back into the house, accompanied by a slap to the ass by Bob; I see my mom talking at the front door.

My mom’s a fat ass so I couldnt see who the hell she was talking to. I look under her legs, and I stare up and see the same security guard talking to her that I saw in front of the mall earlier that day. He had another security guard with him this time, and then the security gaurd patted me on the head and said “hey I saw you today” and I was all thinking “…what the fuck?” and then the other security guard handed me a book and said “here you go you little rascal!”

I looked at the cover and it said “The Book Of Mormon.” What… The… Fuck…

The Stereotypical Australian Yobbo

(Note – I’m not stereotyping all Australians as yobbos with this sort of profile as I know most Aussies aren’t yobbos as I’m a true blue Aussie myself, this is just a pisstake of the stereotypical beer drinkin’ footy lovin’ yobbo which I totally exaggerated for the fun of it)

The stereotypical yobbo (also known as an ocker):

1 – fat with a huge beer gut
2 – really hairy
3 – around 40 years old
4 – butch chubby face with stubble hair
5 – short black oily dirty hair
6 – has a plumber’s crack when sitting on a stool in a pub
7 – smells like a combination of fart, shit, piss, sweat, cigarettes and beer
8 – wears an akubra hat with corks dangling off it or an old fishing hat with badges and fishhooks lodged in it
9 – wears an old black or navy blue extra large shearer’s singlet with holes in it and reeks of sweat
10 – wears a brown pair of King Gee stubby shorts or a pair of green stubby footy player’s shorts with yellow stripes going down one side
11 – wears a pair of old worn out thongs on his feet which have wear holes in the heels
12 – wears an old checkered flannelette jack, worn out jeans and steel-cap boots during winter
13 – has dirty black fingernails that’s encrusted with dirt and grease
14 – has dirty nicotine stained choppers
15 – has a few tattoos
16 – has a REALLY thick slurred Aussie ocker’s accent

1 – lives in the outback with a lot of bush around on the outskirts of some old hick town
2 – his house is an old 1950s fibro house with a rusty tin roof and is infested with rats, mice, roaches, ants, spiders, termites, dust mites, mozzies and flies
3 – the interior of his house smells like a combination of stale fart, cigarettes, sweat and beer and has beer cans and cigarette butts all over the floors on old ruddy carpet plus bits of half-eaten meat pies on the lounge room floor
4 – the exterior of his house has gardens full of weeds, grass that is 1 metre tall, rusty car parts and other junk piled up all over the front and backyard, and a few smelly rotten dead animal carcasses lying here and there near the house
5 – has an old termite infested wooden shed with a rusty tin roof made of beer cans
6 – has a large pond with a tractor tire tube floating on it so he can lay on it and get a sun tan

His stuff:
1 – an early 1970s HQ Holden Kingswood ute that is full of rust and has ripped up vinyl seats and has enough room in the back tray for 16 pisstank yobbo pub mates or 50 slabs of beer, which is his transport whether it be driving to the local pub, work or the footy, or to transport his yobbo pub mates or slabs of beer
2 – a rusty tin water tank with bird shit floating on top and is connected to the water mains, this is his drinking water
3 – a really 50 year old extremely dirty outdoor backyard thunderbox dunnycan that pongs of shit and piss and hasn’t been emptied in 25 years and the cast iron seat is infested with crabs and encrusted with crusty shit stains, the ideal place for him to go if he’s outside and really busting to go
4 – a rusty old 1950s Victor lawnmower with only one mower blade, so he can mow the grass once in a blue moon
5 – a tattered old couch that is ripped up so he can sit back and relax while watchin the footy
6 – a 1970s colour TV set that is 63cm and has a half worn out picture tube and rotary controls so he can watch footy and cricket on it
7 – an early 1980s VCR so he can tape the footy and cricket while he’s at the local pub
8 – a 1950s valve radio that crackles so he can tune to 2KY and listen to the Melbourne Cup after betting at the TAB
9 – a rusty old 1960s washing machine that’s full of pubic hair so he can wash his singlets and stubby shorts in it
10 – bedroom with a rotten old bed infested with flees and termites
11 – a wardrobe full of dirty clothes
12 – a kitchen with a sink full of really dirty dishes that haven’t been washed in 2 weeks
13 – a grimy old 1950s refrigerator so he can store his slabs of beer and pre-cooked meat pies in it
14 – an extremely dirty 1970s microwave that is encrusted with mouldy bits of meat pie so he can cook his meat pies in it
15 – bathroom with a dunny that rarely gets flushed and has crusty stains down the bowl and skid shit trails going down the pipe
16 – an old shower with lime and crap clogged in the shower head so he can take a shower once in a blue moon
17 – an old slimy bathtub with a rusty plug hole so he can brew his homemade beer in it
18 – a rusty razor blade and a rough cake of Solvo soap so he can shave his face
19 – a cattle dog named “Bluey” that barks 24/7
20 – a whole pile footy and porno magazines and Footrot Flats comics
21 – an old brown half deflated footy so he can kick it around when he’s shit-bored
22 – an old fishing rod with rusty fishing tackle so he can go fishing and the rusty hooks give fish tetanus
23 – a big collection of old country rock records including Slim Dusty’s big hit pub song “I Like To Have A Beer With Duncan” plus a collection of Cold Chisel albums
24 – an esky sitting beside the tattered couch so while he’s watchin the footy and he’s thirsty he can pull out a stubby without getting off his lazy arse

His lifestyle:
1 – drinks slabs and slabs of beer especially of these brands: VB (Victoria Bitter), Fosters Lager and Toohey’s Draft
2 – eats LOTS of meat pies with tomato sauce
3 – smokes Winfield cigarettes
4 – has a bunch of pisstank yobbo pub mates
5 – often farts and belches
6 – congratulates his farts by going “YAHHH THAT WAS A GOOD ONE!!!” when he does a really loud smelly one
7 – is racist and a chauvinistic pig
8 – loves to chant “AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!!! OI OI OI!!!” when he’s at the footy even though both footy teams are Australian and there’s no foreign team playing
9 – worships footy and cricket as a religion and the stadium is his church
10 – when he’s at the footy he loves to throw half eaten meat pies and beer cans at the footballers of the opposing team
11 – has a shower once a month
12 – shaves once every 2 months
13 – is really constipated and shits once every 4 days
14 – usually hangs out at the local pub and gets shitfaced with his pisstank yobbo pub mates and tells a bunch of lies
15 – has a job as a sheep shearer which earns him enough money to buy his beer and pies and tickets to the footy and cricket and extra to throw a bet at the TAB
16 – never brushes his teeth
17 – watches lots of footy and cricket on TV and shows like “The Footy Show” and “Totally Footy” and “Wired World Of Sports”
18 – his idols is Richie Benaud (the cricket commentator), Paul Hogan (famous Aussie icon) and John Hopoate who plays for Sydney Tigers (also known as ‘brownfingers’ as he’s shoves his fingers right up footballers dates)
19 – is a chronic swearer
20 – is a lazy bludger and tells people to piss off when they ask him for favours
21 – likes to drive his pisstank yobbo pub mates around in his Kingswood ute
22 – loves to play ocker games with his mates such as pissing competitions in the bloke’s dunny at the back of the pub seeing who can piss the highest and hit the ceiling or have a beer and pie comp who can sink the most slabs of beer and down the most trays of meat pies
23 – changes his jocks once a month
24 – never washes his hands after picking his nose or picking the lint from his plumbers crack

The stereotypical female Volvo driver

Looks a little like the character “Mrs Bucket” on the UK comedy “Keeping Up Appearances”
Aged between 55 and 70
Chubby with a bulldog face
Has a British upper class snobbish accent
Burgundy coloured hair
Wears glasses
Wears an old lady’s dress

Her habitat:
A really old stylish 19th century mansion somewhere in UK
Interior of the mansion is full of stylish antiques and mahogany trim
Has a ballroom for so she can dance to old farts music with her snobby friends

Her lifestyle:
A total utter snob
A total square
Listens to opera music
Hangs with upper class snobs
When someone does something that’s slightly insulting she says “Hmph! Why I never!”
Anything to do with sex, rock music, lower class citizens and swear words is taboo to her
Her favourite artists are Pavarotti, Bach, Mozart, Chopin, Mrs Miller, Kamahl, Mario Lanza, Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby
When shopping she buys the most expensive upper class clothes
Often goes to operas to watch opera singers perform
Aggrevates other drivers when driving her Volvo around

Her Volvo car:
A typical late 1980’s Volvo 244 sedan that’s been done up into a luxury car
Has a car alarm that goes off when someone comes within 30 feet
Has airbags for every seat and to the sides
Has leather seats

Her driving:
Drives 50km below the legal limit in the fast lane on highways causing traffic jams
Often honks her horn at any driver
Pulls out in front of cars always almost causing an accident
Takes 2 minutes to go after the light’s gone green which the light goes red again and pisses the other drivers off
Puts her blinkers on 2 minutes before she turns into a street
Plays classical and opera music real loud while driving and leaves the windows down so others can hear it
When someone tries to overtake her she pulls out in front of them so they can’t pass her
She parks her car 10 feet from the curb which causes traffic blockages
Has her lights on high beam during daytime

My Life Sucks #2

My life sucks. It all started yesterday. So I walked into this bar for a drink. Then they tell me that it isn’t really a bar, it’s the bathroom at Joe Louis Arena. So I ask where the nearest bar is. They tell me. So I go down to where the bar is. I ask this guy in a black-and-white striped shirt for a Margarita. So he gives me this funny look, and all of a sudden I’m checked into the boards by Sergei Fedorov. As if things weren’t messed up enough, the ambulance I was carried away in had Princess Diana’s rotting corpse in it. You think they’d have the decency to bury her and all. Guess not. To top it all off, there was asparagus for dinner. I hate asparagus, ever since that time when a clown at the circus killed my cat by repeatedly beating him with a piece of asparagus. Then he made me eat the cat with the asparagus. The cat wasn’t bad, but the asparagus gave me worms. So I was forced to eat the asparagus, but not before I was forced to eat out this really fat girl named Beth. She probably hadn’t cleaned down there since Roosevelt was in office, but she sure made the asparagus taste better. I tried to sleep but it was my turn to sleep with the snakes, and you just know they’re waiting for you to fall asleep so they can eat your flesh. So I didn’t get much sleep last night. Unless you count the five minutes that the snakes took to devour my poor hamster Willie. I never really liked that hamster anyway. So I woke up the next morning and realized that I was at that same bar I was at yesterday. Only this time, I realized that, indeed, I was in the Joe Louis Arena bathroom, and I had enough good sense to go out and get a pizza instead. Then Steve Yzerman checked me into the pizza stand. Through the pain, I managed to get back to school where I flunked my Geology quiz. And I don’t even take Geology. My life sucks.

My Life Sucks

Hello folks. My life sucks. This morning I drove to school. TO SCHOOL! Imagine the nerve of my parents to pay for me to attend some place that tries to prepare me to submit to the man. Worst of all, the System has now installed security cameras in my shower.

Apparently it’s taken a mind of its own and is distributing nude pictures of me over the internet. Including that one time when the water ran cold. I’m all man, but thanks to the System, only people in Japan know that. And when the lizard stole my tortilla bag, I knew I’d had enough. As if my day couldn’t get any worse, Jesse Jackson called me. Wanted to know if I’d like to donate to his “Rainbow Coalition.” So I asked him if he was gay. Boy, what a cranky guy. You’d think that because he called me he’d have a little more patience. And don’t most people associate gays with rainbows? Anyway, then I had to go into work.

Today, I learned how to fix the chili sauce just so that the cockroaches are completely mixed in. They sure are hard to mix though. I must have been spitting and sweating into that shit for hours! In conclusion, gas prices are still high, and that’s why my life sucks.