Joke #18496

Just a few weeks after taking a job as a security guard, my husband announced that he had been fired. He explained that he’d fallen asleep at this desk and someone broke into the building.

“But you’re such a light sleeper,” I said. “I’m surprised the sound of the guy breaking in didn’t wake you up.”

“I didn’t get fired for falling asleep,” he confessed, “I was fired for wearing my earplugs.”

 

The Guard

Okay, so this one day I was riding my bike home from (private) school, when this security guard in front of the mall rides after me all fast. He was pretty young, but older than me. That was for sure. Yeah. no… yeah.

I didnt do anything wrong, so I kept it cool and rode my bike at an average speed. I was at the corner of Market St. and Gray Ave. The security guard rides his bike up behind me and was all like “okay, you take this side, and I’ll take this side.” and I was all like “what the fuck are you talking about?” and he just repeated himself.

I told him that i didnt do anything, and that he should go back to the mall but he was all like “I’m done there.” I’m all confused and I’m like “Okay, good for you buddy.”

I go home and put on my robe and slippers, almost forgetting about the strange day. I told my mom to fetch me my pipe, and then at 4:30, I always have to clean Bob’s… err… my step dad’s car and shoot some hoops with that douchebag.

Going back into the house, accompanied by a slap to the ass by Bob; I see my mom talking at the front door.

My mom’s a fat ass so I couldnt see who the hell she was talking to. I look under her legs, and I stare up and see the same security guard talking to her that I saw in front of the mall earlier that day. He had another security guard with him this time, and then the security gaurd patted me on the head and said “hey I saw you today” and I was all thinking “…what the fuck?” and then the other security guard handed me a book and said “here you go you little rascal!”

I looked at the cover and it said “The Book Of Mormon.” What… The… Fuck…