These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume:
– Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.
– Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
– My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
– Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.
– Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.
– I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
– I am a rabid typist.
– Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.
– Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.
– I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.
– References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.
– Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.
– My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
– I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.
– I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail.
– Qualifications: No education or experience.
– Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.
– Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!