Archives

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

USA: The Presidential Debates 2004

Leave a comment
This entry is part 1 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

Don’t know who to vote for this election? Well, luckily for you, there’s the Presidential debates, broadcasted to the millions of people in the United States and all around the world. These vital presidential debates have affected the outcome of the choice America has made since the JFK era. During these debates, the main presidential candidates and their vice presidential counterparts duke it out in front of America, with fancy words, beating questions around the bush by avoiding them and answering them indirectly, and many more things. Didn’t have a chance to watch the debates because you were at work? Well, Squackle’s one and only davepoobond is here to tell you who to vote for, why you should vote for them, and whether he gives a good reason or not is of no concern to you.

——————————————–

This year, we take a look at the three Presidential Debates of 2004 between John Kerry and George W. Bush, as well as the vice presidential debate between Dick Cheney and John Edwards. The descriptions of each will be a basic synopsis, and will not go into great detail, as we see most of that as really really unneeded, and if you wanted to know more about it, I’m sure you’d want to go to an actual news site (and watch the freaking debates yourself, and form your own opinion) than taking what you read on a humor web site called Squackle as 100% truth. Anyhow, on to the debates!

There has been a lot of tension between the Bush and Kerry camps, after demeaning commercial after another funded by private organizations are constantly shown on TV, as well as accusations in their speeches to insignificant groups of 50-100 people. Bush accused Kerry of being a “flip flop” one million times in each of his speeches, while Kerry said that Bush misled our country into war. Bush is also rumored to have not served during schedules times while he was in the National Guard, while Bush says he was there the whole time. He’s the son of an oil tycoon, and rich as a mother fucker, so are you really gonna believe that he risked his life in the National Guard? I doubt it.

Some may call these debates the “War of the Ages” almost becoming a movie, or the beginning of a Mortal Kombat fight during the “vs.” scene.

1st Debate: Formal setting, standing behind podiums.

Not until the first debate did I even see these two together without having three states separating them. It was almost laughable to see them shaking hands after they both had strucken at each other’s credibility and track record. So, the first debates focused mainly on the war on terror, mainly focusing on Iraq and how they never had any “WMDs” to be found after we took Saddam from power, in a more formal debate forum, with both candidates having a podium. Whoopidoo, we got rid of Saddam, now we can take the oil there to save money at home, except OPEC increases prices so we’re not actually saving any money. Throughout the course of the 1st presidential debate there was at least a thousand times that “weapons of mass destruction,” “Iraq,” and “terror” had been said cumulatively. It made me want to stab myself in the ears, because you hear those words over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Bush just tells lies and lies and lies more and more, and Kerry tries to tell you what Bush is doing is fucking wrong, and how we went into Iraq was wrong wrong wrong. Bush says it was right right right and through a course of appearing very pissed off through the whole time, like Kerry would even have the nerve to bring up things that were happening not as great as the President was making it to be.

Basically, Kerry 1, Bush 0. Bush seemed like he was not prepared for the onslaught brought on by Kerry. Kerry practically raped him, and from the appearance of the poll results done by news agencies after the 1st debate, Kerry’s approval rating went up. Bush just proved to the world even more how he was an ignorant fool, and Kerry at least made concious and knowledgable debate points against Bush, with practically no answer except scoffing and that stupid smrik he always has. He was talking to Kerry like he was talking about a terrorist. People had also noticed that Kerry didn’t talk into the camera like Bush did, and saw it as a sign that Kerry did not want to speak to the American people at home, while Bush did talk into the camera.

———————————————-

Intermission: Vice Presidential Debates

Well, we heard the president’s views on things, what about their VP candidates? John Edwards, former Democratic Presidential Candidate Hopeful, has now partnered up with John Kerry in hopes to defeat Bush and Cheney. Cheney, with his usual “I’m so rich and I’m too good for everyone except for the Arab royalty and Halliburton” look, debated to keep his high-paying, high-power job in the United States government, while John Edwards hoped to relieve Cheney of his duties.

The stage has been set, and through the course of an hour or so, it came out to be that Cheney and Edwards had a very good debate, and no one person could be declared coming out ahead of each other.

But one thing could be determined from the course of the night:

—————————————————————————-

2nd Debate: Town Hall Setting. No podiums, candidates sat on stools, as they heard questions being told to them by audience members, about domestic issues.

So, after Kerry had shamefully ripped Bush a new one after the first debate, Bush started to take these debates a little more seriously. Even though Bush may not have been nearly as bad this time, he was still using a lot of “umms” and pauses, in genuine Bush-style. Bush came back with a lot of anger, while trying to keep himself contained. However, the most notable part of this debate is when Bush interrupted Charles Gibson from ABC News and un-rightfully rebutted a statement by Kerry, after Gibson had told the president that he was not allowed to. This sudden outburst of rage had broken the rules of the debates that had been set forth, and while Bush was talking OUT OF TURN, I was waiting for that buzzer than never came. Bush should NOT have been given that opportunity to speak, as it broke the rules of the debates. Kerry, on the other hand, did not make the mistake of rebutting a statement by Bush out of turn, even though it came close to it. It seemed that Kerry had more control over himself when it came to that, but it came very close.

The questions that were presented were all about the domestic issues and how they would change under Kerry and “improve” even more under Bush. Kerry said that Bush promised you more of the same, while Kerry promised change. Bush repeatedly kept saying that Kerry “flip flopped” over and over. Bush kept telling everyone to look at this voting record. In all honesty, we should look at BUSH’S voting record. Look at the decisions BUSH has made. Sure, Kerry supported Iraq at one time, most of us did, because we ALL thought that Iraq had WMDs, because that was what we were TOLD BY BUSH. Kerry doesn’t have his own CIA, Bush does. Bush knew more about the things happening in Iraq (whether or not they actually had anything) than Kerry did. All that Kerry or WE even believed was what our PRESIDENT, our PRESIDENT told us. I doubt that Kerry is able to send in his own team of CIA operatives to conduct their own investigation in Iraq to find out information.

And if there is, so sue me. It doesn’t contradict the fact that the president lied to us. The results of this debate had helped Kerry out a little bit more, but everyone said they were basically equal.

—————————————————————————-

3rd Debate: I didn’t watch it cause I was at work, and I’m too lazy to watch it online. I heard they were basically equal though.

—————————————————————————-

Conclusion: We all know Bush sucks, so why would we want to keep him in office? Outsourcing has grown, people have lost their jobs, the economy is down, people’s lives have been RUINED because of soldiers killed in the War On Terror, and not to mention the U.S. government is in a shitload of debt. Why do we want Bush to stay in office? We know he’s done nothing but horrible things to the United States. To assure that Bush is OUT OF OFFICE, I’m saying to vote for anyone else but Bush. If you want to make absolute sure of this happening, vote for Kerry. If Kerry sucks, then we can just get his ass out of office in the next four years. We know what doesn’t work, why do we want to stay with it?

The comic-strip thingy is by Soup Nazi

Everything else is by davepoobond

Screwed Up Chronicles, Dave's Kingdom

Why Study Geometry?

1 Comment
This entry is part 2 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

These are ridiculous reasons why you should study geometry according to Carolina Mathmatic in Burlington, North Carolina 27215.

This poster was in Dr. OldNBald’s room, and pisses me off so much, that I had to copy it all and have my responses to each one of them.

There’s a buncha cartoons saying this crap (they were in no really particular order, they’re mixed up all around on the poster):

–

1. A guy spinning around in a tornado: It helps me track the paths of storms

davepoobond’s response: Well, it looks like you’re keeping track of the storms pretty well already, since you’re getting caught up in them, you stupid bastard. Why don’t you get a life?

–

2. A skleton: It helps me understand X-Ray diffraction patterns

davepoobond’s response: good job fag. Most people in the world don’t need to know how an X-Ray works. But I guess because you’re a skeleton, its useful to you.

–

3. A stupid annoying girl: I learned what it means to get my teacher off on a tangent!

davepoobond’s response: by sucking her dick?

–

4. A kid with a large piece of paper: I heard paper folding activities are fun!

davepoobond’s response: is that all you can think of? Thinking of paper folding activities? WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO DO A PAPER FOLDING ACTIVITY WHEN THEY CAN DO SOMETHING EXTREMELY MORE SENSIBLE? And who the fuck would say “hey, paper folding activities are fun” anyway?

–

5. 2 aliens in a UFO: We use it for interplanetary travel

davepoobond’s response: you heard it here folks, aliens are confirmed by the government. They screwed themselves up the ass when they issued this poster. Now we KNOW the government is lying to us.

–

6. A scientist holding up a model of a molecule: I need it to understand bond angles

davepoobond’s response: oh. You do, do you. Don’t we already have something called a computer that can tell you everything about a bond angle already?

–

7. A city road worker by his green semi truck that says “city roads” on it: I need to know how much salt is in that conical pile for spreading in case it snows tonight. (there’s two big “conical” piles of salt in front of him)

davepoobond’s response: what good will that do you, you stupid fuck? You either have enough or you don’t! Its trial and error. If you don’t have enough, go back and get some more, God dammit! You don’t need to find out how much fucking salt is in a conical pile, just use it.

–

8. An Eagle: It’s OUTTA SIGHT

davepoobond’s response: what kind of reason is this? You’re gay. Stupid eagle.

–

9. A $ dollar bill, and the guy on it is saying: New Math Means More Money!

davepoobond’s response: New Math also means More Counterfeiting

–

10. A painter in front of a castle: I need to estimate how much paint I’ll need for this castle.

davepoobond’s response: IT’S A FUCKING CASTLE! CASTLES DON’T NEED TO BE PAINTED!

–

11. A black kid: it’ll help me raise my SAT scores

davepoobond’s response: this is one reason I agree with. This is the only sane reason out of all these other reasons. Why can’t they think of more good reasons, so that I don’t have to be angry at people who make stupid shit like this?

–

12. A fireman putting water on a burning house: how long will the water in the tanker last?

davepoobond’s response: duhhh…I don’t know….maybe that’s why you use the fire tanker’s water until there’s no more water, and then go get some more. There is no math involved in that. There’s probably more math involved in driving to a fire hydrant.

–

13. A black kid with a light blue baseball cap and a dog: Sparky needed a cool new doghouse (the dog house all made out of triangles and looks like crap. No dog would want to live in it)

davepoobond’s response: Get a life! Just buy your dog a doghouse and call it a done deal. The dog won’t know the goddamn difference

–

14. A butterfly: So I can appreciate bilateral symmetry

davepoobond’s response: Why do you have to call it bilateral symmetry? Just call it symmetrical sides with one line down the middle. No one gives a shit when you call it bilateral symmetry. And no one really even cares to APPRECIATE something as insignificant as bilateral symmetry. Wow its bilaterally symmetrical. I can sure appreciate that shit.

–

15. A stupid little girl: It’s AWESOME!

davepoobond’s response: you’re wrong. ITS NOT!

–

16. A snowman: It helps me appreciate the beauty of nature

davepoobond’s response: how? So you can melt when the sun comes up the next day? Nice job jackass, you thought that through.

–

17. A girl playing miniature golf: That’s why I’m so good at miniature golf!

davepoobond’s response: That’s why you’re good at sucking cock too, I suppose. You used supplementary angles to know where to put the cock in your mouth. It’s the same principle with golf. Just fucking shoot the goddamn ball into the goddamn hole.

–

18. A black baseball player with a ball being thrown up in the air: Just keepin’ my options open

davepoobond’s response: to do WHAT? So you can know how to throw a fucking ball? PLEASE…

–

19. A builder: I’m a builder. I have to read blueprints

davepoobond’s response: and you use geometry HOW, to read a blueprint? Its not that hard…you just read it.

–

20. A person making a quilt: I like to make quilts

davepoobond’s response: people have made quilts for generations without geometry. I’m sure you can live without it.

–

21. A submarine, you’re supposed to assume someone is saying: I want to keep my boat out of the mud!

davepoobond’s response: then stay off the ground

–

22. An Eskimo: I’m designing my own house (holding up a blueprint of an igloo)

davepoobond’s response: YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW GEOMETRY TO BUILD A FUCKING IGLOO! NOR DO YOU NEED A FUCKING BLUEPRINT FOR ONE! ESKIMOS HAVE MADE IGLOOS FOR CENTURIES WITHOUT HAVING TO STUDY GEOMETRY OR MAKE BLUEPRINTS! ARRRGHHH…..!!!

–

23. An old woman, possibly a plumber: How much pipe will I need to plumb a new bathroom?

davepoobond’s response: well, why don’t you hire a PROFESSIONAL, because you definitely don’t seem to be one.

–

24. Sherlock Holmes: It’s elementary, my dear Watson. …and Junior high and high school

davepoobond’s response: what the hell? Is that supposed to be funny?

–

25. A boy filling up water balloons: anybody remember the formula for the volume of a sphere?

davepoobond’s response: yeah I do. Its called fill it up until you think there’s enough water in the balloon, before it breaks open and spills all over yourself.

–

26. A black woman playing pool: so I can figure out bank shots

davepoobond’s response: You don’t need to know geometry for that. You need to take a pool class for that, and you won’t need to know useless crap you won’t use.

–

27. A guy at a computer: I’m designing a new CAD-CAM program

davepoobond’s response: I’m sure that there’s plenty of good programming programs that can do that for you. Or better ones that you can never make

–

28. A black optometrist: I need to understand how a lens bends light

davepoobond’s response: Why? Optometrists prescribe lenses to us, they don’t need to know how light bends. They are not the ones inventing the lenses to give to us. They are the doctors who don’t do much but find out what your vision is and give you the appropriate lenses for you to wear.

–

29. A cowboy: I’m a cartoon. I don’t have to!

davepoobond’s response: har har….funnnyyyyy…..not.

–

30. A sphinx in front of a pyramid: I want to know the volume of my pyramid.

davepoobond’s response: So you can sit there for another half a million years saying that you know the volume of your pyramid? “Hey guys, the volume of my pyramid is 4233492080982345809 square tons. Isn’t that super?”

–

31. A football player: If Herbie can, so can I!

davepoobond’s response: Is Herbie the little car made by VW that used to be a racing champion? So…a car knows geometry then?

–

32. A white kid with a finger on his mouth: shhh. I’m building a scale model of a stealth fighter

davepoobond’s response: don’t those usually come with instructions, so you don’t have to figure out all the places things go? Which means geometry usage equals 0

–

33. Kid: I WANT TO TESSELATE! Teacher: Do you have a note from home?

davepoobond’s response: wow. These guy crack me up. This is by far the most annoying out of all these, because this one is a big picture in the middle of the poster. And tessellating isn’t even fun.

–

34. A farmer with a cow: I need to know how much fertilizer to buy for 211 acres!

davepoobond’s response: you don’t need to buy any, because you have fucking cows.

–

35. A scientist holding up a ball with antenna coming out of it – supposedly a satellite: I want to use this satellite to map the earth

davepoobond’s response: newsflash! We already did it! HELLOOOOO???

–

36. A starfish: So I can appreciate radial symmetry

davepoobond’s response: ooooh I’m a starfish and I want to know all about radial symmetry….what the hell?

–

37. A captain with a world raised in his hand: We’ll be sailing along the great circle route

davepoobond’s response: there is no circle route! And even if there was, there would be no way in hell that you could make an exact circle

–

38. A person with a map: I need to find my way from point “A” to point “B”

davepoobond’s response: Here’s a clue: follow the map, the roads show you where to go, you don’t need geometry for that! You don’t even need SCHOOL for that

–

39. A scientist looking in a microscope: whoa!

davepoobond’s response: what? Did you see your penis?

–

40. A builder: I want to build the most modern buildings! (its just a triangle and its through a circle, just floating in mid air)

davepoobond’s response: oh you do, do you. Well, then build a GOOD building, not crappy buildings no one can use. Those are usually tall and rectangular.

–

41: Architect: I’m marking off the lots in a new housing development

davepoobond’s response: super. That sure makes me want to study geometry. In the rare instance that I may become an architect and mark off lots in a new housing development, I’ll be glad I took that geometry class

–

42. A muscle man trying to pull apart a triangle: I want to find out why triangles have such strength!

davepoobond’s response: that’s just the thing: triangles don’t have any more strength than anything else. You’re just weak! And the fucking triangle is made out of metal….

–

43. A guy with a rake: I have to figure out how many boxwoods to plan around a circular driveway with a 30-foot radius

davepoobond’s response: you need to figure out how to die first

–

44. A fisherman with a huge ass fish: I studied stream flow and insect hatch patterns and finally caught “Old Gill”

davepoobond’s response: what the hell? NO fisherman in the WORLD does this. And this is more biology/ecology than geometry

–

45. A head: My English teacher was impressed when I started using words like “conversely” “congruent” and “counter-example”

davepoobond’s response: well, why don’t you conversely get a congruent life so I can counter-example it with my machete. Yeah that was bad.

–

46. A trapezist: I need to find the area of a trapeez-oid

davepoobond’s response: oh har har har….TRAPAZOID….TRAPEZIST…they’re so much alike…

–

47. A pilot in a plane: I can’t afford to lose my bearings

davepoobond’s response: you can’t afford to lose your pilot’s liscense either, which you just did. So die.

–

48. A girl: IT’S EVERYWHERE! IT’S EVERYWHERE!

davepoobond’s response: oh…air is everywhere too. Do I need to study air? No, I just breathe it in and not care about it.

–

49. A guy: I’m into wheel covers

davepoobond’s response: WHEEL COVERS? You like to cover your wheels? WHAT THE HELL!

–

50. A general: it helps me get around the pentagon

davepoobond’s response: wow that’s funny. So I guess geometry helps you move your legs, and helps your arm open a door.

–

51. A white girl on the phone: you can help boys with their homework; and boys can help you with yours!

davepoobond’s response: this is just a hypothesis, depending on if the boys would actually want to help you with your homework. If you don’t study geometry why wouldn’t they help you with your homework anyway? Stooopid

–

In conclusion, after 51 stupid reasons to study geometry and 51 glorious responses to them that countered the “reason” to study geometry, only 1 out of 51 was actually a good reason. And even for that, who cares after you do take the SAT? no one. Now go study geometry, kiddies. Cause aliens can fly through space with geometry, and people can make their dog’s houses really geometry-like.

Screwed Up Chronicles, Internet

“Is Our Health On the Line?” Breakdown

1 Comment
This entry is part 3 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

While I’m at work, I get to read Yahoo! News.  I’ve got plenty of time to catch up on everything that’s fucked up with the world, and all this stuff with WikiLeaks is going off into this weird place with people asking for the death of the founder and all this other conspiracy-worthy nutjobbiness.

Then comes Yahoo! Health.  Every time I read one of their stupid ass articles I get angry.  I don’t get angry because of the facts they present.  I mostly get angry in the WAY they do it.  Most of their stupid articles are about how a hamburger from TGI Fridays is the equivalent to 15 large chocolate smoothies or how an extra-cheese pizza is the equivalent to 29 tofu hot dogs without the buns.

But their most recent travesty of the English language comes in the form of an article named “Is Your Health on the Line?” — and if you couldn’t get the pun in the title of the article its about CELL PHONES!!!! OMG!!!!  THE LASER BEAMS ARE SHOOTING INTO YOUR BRAIN AND INTO YOUR PELVIS AND ITS GOING TO GIVE YOU CANCER SO STOP USING YOUR CELL PHONE AS AN ALARM CLOCK AND START JUMPING OFF BUILDINGS BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR CELL PHONE’S LIFE-STEALING RADIATION!

So I’m going to break down the article piece by piece, mostly by the quotes that I hate.

“Unless you’ve had your cell phone permanently glued to your ear, chances are you’ve heard the recent health buzz: …”

This opening sentence just rubs me the wrong way instantaneously, and really sets the mood for the whole article.  “HAHA FUCK YOU” is what the author is saying to everyone who might fit the description.  Gross generalizational remarks such as this are part of the reason why I hate writers who try to make their sensationalist bullshit something you should care about.

“… Mobile devices may cause cancer. While it’s true that the National Cancer Institute has ruled them safe, a growing number of independent researchers disagree.”

Okay.  So… they “MAY” cause cancer.  However, the leading institute of cancer research says its safe.  Soooo…. let’s find some random people who can say otherwise, and call them “independent researchers.”  Yes, these independent researchers that you’ve never heard of, but now are making statements that can affect your life and tell you what to do.  It’s bullshit like this that makes those random idiots out there say “THEY SAY IT CAUSES CANCER.”  Who is the ever elusive “they?”  “They” are fictitious “independent researchers” (aka experts, apparently) quoted by terrible writers who nominate themselves for Pullitzers.

Now, let’s take a look at how reliable the National Cancer Institute is.  Well, look at that, they have a .gov in their URL.  http://www.cancer.gov/.  So, a fucking governmental institute that has researched cancer as the sole purpose of their existence is not reliable enough to put the issue to rest.  So let’s get all the paranoid idiots of the world hyped up about cell phones shooting dangerous radiation into our skulls since there’s nothing else better to do.

“Most phones do comply with the federal standards, but SAR monitors only thermal effects. (In other words, if the radiation from your phone isn’t cooking your brain, it’s regarded as safe.)”

Sensationalism!  YES!  :zzz:  If a cell phone doesn’t FRY YOUR BRAIN it must be safe!! :zzz: :zzz: :zzz: :zzz:   I guess if a cell phone doesn’t signal an airplane to land on your face it’s also safe.

So, apparently there are phones that don’t comply with federal standards, as proven by this article.  I would assume if this statement were actually founded, that cell phones that DIDN’T comply with federal standards should be reported.  Y’know, since that’s not exactly legal.  Or maybe it is.  In which case, where can I buy a microwave gun to shoot some people’s ovaries and testicles with so they never procreate?

“But mounting scientific evidence suggests that nonthermal radio frequency radiation (RF)—the invisible energy waves that connect cell phones to cell towers, and power numerous other everyday items—can damage our immune systems and alter our cellular makeup, even at intensities considered safe by the FCC.”

Mounting scientific evidence from the articles own, nameless independent researchers/experts?  WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!

THE INVISIBLE ENERGY WAVES – OH NOOOOO!!  They’re invisible!  That must mean they’re bad!  Hey guess what, you fucktard.  VISIBLE ENERGY WAVES have more radiation in them than RF waves!  MIND BOGGLING!

Alter our cellular makeup, so we’re mutating right in front of ourselves?  Sweet, when do I get to turn into a puddle of water and hide behind the laundry machines?

“”The problem is that RF can transfer energy waves into your body and disrupt its normal functioning,” explains Cindy Sage, an environmental consultant in Santa Barbara, California, who has studied radiation for 28 years.”

OH LOOK!  It’s our first independent researcher.  Cindy Sage.  Hmm… Let’s see if we can find anything about her.  But before that, let’s take a look at the “RF can disrupt its normal functioning” statement.  What the fuck does she think we are?  Robots?  We don’t take signals from a cell phone tower to lift our arm, do we?  And another thing, “can” is a very interesting word to use.  It’s mostly used when you don’t know for sure one way or the other.  Meaning… YOU DON’T KNOW what the fuck you’re talking about apparently.

So, Cindy Sage.  Who are you and why do you think you’re so smart?  Let’s go look at your web site.  http://www.silcom.com/~sage/emf/index.html.  Wow.  So your web site is all about how you can decrease the intensity of electromagnetic fields… among other seemingly random things.  And you charge people for it, obviously.  So, I see a conflict of interest here.  Why wouldn’t you want people to freak out about EMF bullshit when you make money by decreasing the amount of EMF in a given area.  Let’s jump to later in the article:

“We’re going to wireless offices and living in wireless homes. Even beaches and parks are going wireless. We’re exposed everywhere.”

Because the sun never posed a threat in beaches or parks before cell phones.

“The good news is that you don’t need to ditch your gadgets. This advice will let you stay plugged in—and keep you healthy.”

Oh, good.  After seven paragraphs of saying how terrible any of these wireless “gadgets” are, you say we can keep them.  How terribly contradicting.  Yet, it soothes the minds of your readers after you’ve insulted them, because they can’t live without their high tech gizmos and gadgets.  I guess Aeriel from Little Mermaid got a brain tumor since she spent so much time with cell phones sailors dropped in the ocean.

“When your phone is on (which it probably is even as you read this) it’s constantly sending and receiving RF signals… The activity really amps up when you’re, say, driving through rural areas. Plus, within the close confines of a car, your entire core is exposed to the radiation.”

Oh no, my tumorous-causing, cancer-causing, soul-stealing cell phone is on and sending my position to the aliens!

I find it very misleading that “within the close confines of a car” you are exposed to MORE RF from your cell phone than if you aren’t in a car.  How does a cell phone’s RF signals all of a sudden expose your “entire core” to radiation as opposed to outside of your car?  It’s in the same place relative to your body.  If anything, the RF signals would be absorbed by the car around you instead of shooting into the 6 year old kid you always seem to have next to your cell phone so you can give them brain cancer.  Being in a car doesn’t do anything more than being out of a car.  In fact, having your windows closed avoids radiation from a more powerful source of energy – ULTRAVIOLET.  Yeah, remember that?  That’s actually something to be mindful of.

“The safer solution: Keep your phone off when driving until you really need it, says Carpenter.”

Well, Carpenter is an idiot.  How would we be able to desperately call for help in a car crash if our cell phone was off?  We’d have to wait 15 seconds for the cell phone to come on, and by then you could have already gone into cardiac arrest.  So, fuck that!  But, at least the bonus is you don’t have to worry about RF waves shooting into your exposed liver as your bleeding all over your face in an car turned upside down in the middle of the freeway.

“And no matter where you are, avoid holding a cell phone directly to your noggin… and use either speakerphone or a corded headset (not a wireless headset).”

So I guess if I’m in public it’s okay for people to hear both sides of the conversation, not like private information being leaked around is worse for you or anything.

“If you have a smartphone that’s loaded with games, music, and movies, turn your wireless settings off while playing or rocking out.”

I HATE PEOPLE WHO SAY “ROCKING OUT.”  FUCK YOU.  I AM NOT ROCKING OUT, IT IS A FUCKING SONG THAT I LIKE TO LISTEN TO.

“Cordless Phones

These stealth wireless threats “have become so powerful, they’re often as strong as cell phones,” says Sage.”

My God.  They’re like worse than a Stealth B-2 Nuclear Bomber, the way they write this article.  At least we can control nuclear bombs.

“Preliminary blind studies have found that, when sitting beside a DECT phone base, some people experienced arrhythmia, a troubling heartbeat irregularity that could eventually lead to stroke or coronary disease, says Sage.”

If RF signals do that by themselves, then there must also be a frequency that stops arrhythmia, too!

“If the whole body is radiated by a router’s RF emissions, the greatest concern is cancer, especially leukemia,” says Carpenter. Also, be aware of your at-home router and any plug-in wireless USB cards you often use.“

So, lets get this straight.  Wireless Routers cause leukemia.  Cordless phones cause arrhythmia.  Cell phones cause brain tumors and/or cancer.  Sounds totally real yet so very unproven!

“That Ethernet technology doesn’t leak RF and is often faster and more secure.”

So bad.  They make it seem like anything that uses RF technology UNINTENTIONALLY shoots out its RF signals.  As if that’s not what it’s designed to do!

“If you just can’t give up your wireless router (e.g., if you live in a home with a handful of computer users), make sure you sit as far away from it as possible, says Crofton, and turn it off at night and whenever you’re not online.”

That defeats the purpose of a wireless router.  Sitting as far away as possible from a wireless router gets you shitty reception.  Why would you want shitty internet intentionally?

“When you hold your laptop on your lap, what you’re essentially doing is radiating your pelvis,” says Carpenter, …”

And Laptops make you sterile…

“Indeed, early studies point to a heightened risk of testicular cancer for men who keep RF-emitting devices close to their belts.”

…give you testicular cancer…

“For women, adds Carpenter, “the studies aren’t quite there yet, but I think we can say that anything that might cause cancer almost always causes birth defects, so pregnant women—or those wanting to become pregnant soon—should take extra precautions.”

…give you ovarian cancer and makes your babies downy babies.  Death to RF!  I mean, death to light!  Does that make sense?

“The safer solution: Keep your laptop off your lap (if you have to rest it there, buffer it with a sturdy pillow that’s at least six inches thick).”

Because pillows absorb RF light or something?  How is a pillow supposed to stop that if it isn’t opaque to RF light?  It could be translucent, for all we know, depending on the material your pillow is made of, and the RF waves just go right through the pillows.  Not to mention you are creating a FIRE HAZARD by putting your laptop on a pillow and having the laptop heat up and possibly start smoking and blow up and burn you and your pillow and your ovaries and your house down.  Smart people are really dumb.

“Try to use a desktop computer at home and treat your laptop as an on-the-go convenience.”

Isn’t the reason that most people have a laptop because they don’t have room for a desktop?

“One thing to keep in mind: Laptops are a high RF radiation risk only while connected to wireless Internet, so when you’re watching a DVD, fiddling around with your photos, or writing that dissertation, just disable your connection and you’ll be much safer.”

Safe from what?  The invisible cancer waves?   I guess fiddling around with your secret porn collection is just as dangerous in the end, you never know who might see you doing stuff with them, and use that as justification to murder you.  Guess you don’t have to worry about invisible threats of cancer when you’re DEAD from an abusive relationship.

“Baby monitors release more RF than cell phones do, and putting them next to a crib is very, very unwise,” says Carpenter. He points to a recent University of Utah study that shows RF radiation can penetrate almost entirely through a child’s brain, which doesn’t form completely until nearly 20 years of age. “It’s very clear from all the existing research that the younger the child is, the more vulnerable he or she is to the effects of RF radiation.”

In one temporal lobe and out the other, I always say (I don’t)!  Did all of that “existing research” also say that the younger a child is, the more vulnerable they are to BELIEVING STUPID SHITTY ARTICLES ON YAHOO HEALTH?

“The safer solution: Consider not using a baby monitor. If you absolutely must use one, place it far from your baby’s crib—at least 10 to 15 feet away.”

That way it makes it easier for you to not know if your baby is in need of help!  Or makes it easy for some random guy to come in and steal your baby!  Guess you don’t have to worry about brain tumors and cancer when you don’t have a baby anymore.  Also, if there’s nothing in between the baby and the monitor, THE LIGHT DOESN’T GET ABSORBED.  In fact, you’re making sure to shower your baby’s WHOLE BODY with RF waves, and making everything around him absorb RF light as well so they can sleep in an irradiated crib.  According to the article’s logic, anyhow.

In conclusion, there is no conclusion.  This article is full of stupid crap and is trash.  This is one of the worst articles I’ve ever read.

Screwed Up Chronicles, Music

“Katy Perry – Firework” Breakdown

3 Comments
This entry is part 4 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

I don’t know if it’s just me or not but Katy Perry’s Firework song is strange.  Not only does comparing yourself to a 2-second burst of light that is simply forgotten (honestly, do you remember every firework you’ve seen?) a terrible way to try and influence teenage girls into having self-esteem about themselves or whatever, but there’s a completely different way to look at this song.

It’s about a huge penis.  A penis that Katy Perry is sucking and is blowing its load all over her face.  To make my point clear, I’ll point out all the parts of the song where it can be taken as such in this edition of Dave’s Breakdown.

–

“Do you ever feel/Like a plastic bag/Drifting through the wind/Wanting to start again“

Obviously this “plastic bag” is a condom.  The guy that Katy Perry is blowing has blown his load already and Katy Perry has slapped off this condom so she can get the full taste.  She “wants to start again,” after all.

“Do you ever feel/Feel so paper-thin/Like a house of cards/One blow from caving in”

They’ve been at it for so long that both parties are simply exhausted, however they’re still going to go at it cause Katy Perry has a huge rack and its impossible to get unhorny during sex with her.  So, one more “blow” and they’re about to cave in and pass out from exhaustion.

“Do you ever feel/Already buried deep/Six feet under/Screams but no one seems to hear a thing”

Six feet under buried under a mountain of cum, it seems like.  “Screams” because she’s orgasmed like 15 times already.

“Do you know that there’s/Still a chance for you/‘Cause there’s a spark in you/You just gotta”

Even though they’ve had sex like 15 times already, there’s still a little bit of cum inside this penis.  Gotta make it 16, after all.

“Ignite the light/And let it shine/Just own the night/Like the Fourth of July”

“The light” being the huge penis, of course.  Let it shine, like sunlight in your face.

“‘Cause baby, you’re a firework/Come on show them what you’re worth/Make them go, “Oh, oh, oh”/As you shoot across the sky”

Cause the penis is like a firework and is exploding across Katy Perry’s face.  Obviously she’s going “oh oh oh” cause she’s having sex, and once the guy is about to cum she takes the penis out of her mouth and then the cum shoots across the sky, onto her face.

“Baby, you’re a firework/Come on let your colors burst/Make them go, “Oh, oh, oh”/You’re gonna leave before they know”

So, we know this guy is a firework cause he’s blowing up.  And his “colors bursting” is obviously his oddly colored semen.  And he’s gonna leave before someone knows he was there because they shouldn’t be doing what they’re doing (uh oh!)

“You don’t have to feel/Like a waste of space/You’re original/Cannot be replaced”

Basically this means this huge penis is so nice and big that she could never want another.

“If you only knew/What the future holds/After a hurricane/Comes a rainbow”

The hurricane is in Katy Perry’s vagina with a huge penis storm.  After that, a rainbow from this guy’s penis into Katy Perry’s mouth, like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

“Maybe the reason why/All the doors are closed/So you could open one/That leads you to the perfect …”

So I guess they closed all the doors so no one would see them fucking, and the only one open is the bathroom so they can have sex in the shower too.  And that is probably the preferred method of sex for her since it “leads you to the perfect.”

“Like a lightning bolt/Your heart will glow/And when it’s time you know/You just gotta”

Meaning you just gotta cum on her face.

“Ignite the light/And let it shine/Just own the night/Like the Fourth of July”

“Turn on the light, I want to see the huge penis in the light now, and just fuck me like you did on July 4”

“Boom, boom, boom”

This is the penis slapping into Katy Perry’s vagina hole and/or mouth.  Maybe ass, if she’s into that.

“Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon”

It’s bright because it got into her eye and she can’t see anything but white.

“It’s always been inside of you, you, you/And now it’s time to let it through”

“It” being the cum and its coming out and onto her face.

–

In conclusion Katy Perry has a huge rack and everything she sings is about sex.

Screwed Up Chronicles, Dave's Kingdom

“List of 10 Things” Breakdown

Leave a comment
This entry is part 5 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

We all have things to do.  Sometimes we put them in a list. Well, today I found a list of things to do on the ground.  And since I didn’t have anything better to do, I thought it would be worth my time to completely obliterate this person’s list of things to do, for no reason other to be a dick.

So, here we go!:

“1. Confirm still life”

Yes, this is your confirmation, my friend.  This is a still life.  We are doomed to forever work at our crappy jobs and breathe the air on this Earth until we die and then that’s it.  The only redeeming factor to this “still life” is 80’s music.  And metalcore with piano in it.

“2. Complete graphite transfer”

Uh oh.  Graphite transfer of what?  Your naked body?  Mmm… You better be that kinda hot Asian chick that I think dropped this list if that’s going down.

“3. Clean room”

An honest proposition.  However, an even more honest assessment would be that your room will never be “clean” considering you’ve tainted it with your being.

“4. Write letter”

This is as ambiguous as you can get.  Technically, you’ve written a lot of “letters” already.  However, if this is a letter that you send in the mail, it is oddly very unspecific… almost as if just in case this list had been seen by someone else, such as myself, if they ever wrote an article about it and posted it on a web site for all to see, we wouldn’t know to who this mysterious “letter” is for.

“5. Fill out concentration/major paperwork.”

I hope you don’t have to rely on this list to remember to do that.  Cause I guess you’re not gonna have a major ever if you do.

“6. Pay Insurance!”

Interestingly this is of midway importance for this person.  It is sort of a commentary on America itself, once you think about it.  Insurance is only #6 on the list of importance.  That’s why Republicans want to get rid of Obamacare, not because they want to insurance companies to keep their costs down, but to keep the individual’s costs high and to keep rising!

The “ce” was also whited out, so it brings to question what she had actually spelled originally.

“7. Spay Ammy”

Looks like today is Ammy’s lucky day.  Ammy will still be able to make babies when this day is through.  Maybe.

“8. Rework Artwork”

This feels like some sort of rhyming action is trying to take place.  I wonder if “Rework Artwork” is the name of an object or an art piece in and of itself.  Which would mean we don’t know what the hell this actually means.

“9. Lay out story/storyboards”

Considering a storyboard is supposed to help you lay out a story, I don’t know why you’d want to do both at the same time.  Sounds like this should have been two numbers!

“10. Be happy!”

This is what gets me about this whole list.  You have to remind yourself to “be happy” cause your life is apparently so crummy, that you have to artificially make yourself happy by telling yourself to “be happy” in a list of things to do.

–

Anyway, I’m just glad I wasn’t put in the awkward position of having to explain why I was writing two pages about this girl’s To-Do list that she dropped on the floor unknowingly, had she unexpectedly come back.

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

“Immigration Interview” Breakdown

Leave a comment
This entry is part 6 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

I kid you not, this is the exact text from which I found on a poster board at my high school.  The spelling and grammar errors are exactly as they appeared on this poster board.  I found this around 2004, and wrote up my part of the article when posting.

–

“An interview with Helen
Made by her son Michael

Q: What was your impression of America before today?
A: peaceful life and today my view of America is I hope there are no more wars”

I don’t even know where to begin.  How is it a view of America to “hope there are no more wars”?  You make it sound like America has always been in a war.  I guess we’ve been in one for 10 years, and since this was answered around 2004, guess you’re very not impressed by America anymore or something.

“Q: Why did you leave Burma so suddenly?
A: a riot broke out in the city I was living in from a group from Chinese government”

One riot and that makes you get on a boat and go 5000 miles across an ocean?  I’m sure there’s something more, I don’t know, MEANINGFUL to pick from a list of reasons for leaving Burma.

“Q: if you went back in time and if did not have to any place you went what would it be?
A: China”

You’re not even from fucking-China.  You’re from fucking Burma!  Also, what the fuck kinda question is that to ask?  Who the fuck cares if she can go back in time to an indistinct era to just “go somewhere.”  What the fuck is she gonna do by going back in time?

“Q: Why did you immigrate to Canada instead straight to America
A: the weather was good and there are many more job opportunity”

So, when you got on the boat to go to Canada, they handed you a brochure which outlined “the weather is good” and “there are many more job opportunity?”  How the fuck do you know that if you’re getting on a boat in Burma?

“Q: what the reason that most of your family members stayed in Canada instead of coming down?
A: the health care union was very good”

And I guess you didn’t care enough about health care which prompted your movement to the United States?  I don’t get it.  If you were so inclined to move, then why not the rest of your family?  This is about as ridiculous as the reason you chose to leave Burma.  This woman sounds very finicky.

“Q: in your opinion how is life in the United States differ from life in Canada?
A: there is more stress in America while in Canada it is more of a relaxing life”

Not only does she leave Canada for nondescript reasons, she says Canada is BETTER than the United States.  Why the fuck didn’t she just go back to Canada if it was too stressful for her?

“Q: if there were no riots in Burma would you have still made the immigration to America?
A: most likely because I wanted a better life”

Yeah, right!  You just said the only reason you left Burma was because of the riots.  I don’t think you actually know what you would have even done.  How would you know if the weather was good or not if it wasn’t for that handy brochure they passed out on the Passage to America boating line?

“Q: what is one thing that is important to you in America?
A: My job”

So, let me get this straight.  Your son, interviewing you for his class, asks you what is important to you in America.  And you say your job.  You don’t say your son, who is standing right there asking you this question, hoping to hear something that would make him learn how to write English better, but no.  You throw it back into his face and tell him that your stinking 9-5 that you somehow convinced someone to let you have is more meaningful to you than your son or your family in America.

“Q: what is the most charitable thing you have coming to America?
A: security, financial stability, and many others”

This question doesn’t make any sense.  On top of that, the answer makes even less sense.  How the fuck is security and financial stability even considered charitable?  What the hell does it even mean to have something charitable by coming to America?   English is hard.

–

In closing, this lady is fucking stupid.  Just looking at her responses makes you wonder what the hell she was smoking.

No wonder American values are going down the drain, stupid foreigners are teaching their children that the most important thing in life is your job, and not your family or something like that that is more important.  Even non-foreigners are teaching their children this.  I blame everyone.

I hate older generations.

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

ViSalus Sciences: How Being A Scam Is a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

50 Comments
This entry is part 7 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

Recently I was introduced to a… unique company.  I don’t want to say “pyramid scheme,” but it really is a legal version of it — known as multi-level or referral marketing.  Wikipedia will give you a big insight into what these terms mean and how they are related to each other.

ViSalus Sciences is a company that is in the business of weight loss.  Excuse me — I should rephrase that.

They are in the business of MARKETING weight loss products, and having you do most of the leg work for them.  That’s what multi-level or referral marketing is.  It’s a marketing tactic that markets to people, either in-person or through someone you know, rather than traditional means such as television.  They have representatives from their company come by to talk to you after you are invited to a “Challenge ‘Party'” (notice the double quotes) or some sort of get together by a friend or acquaintance under the guise that the product that they are selling is healthy for you.

It may very well be healthy for you.  It may even help you lose weight.  But when a company talks about how their product is good for you for about fifteen minutes, and then spends the next hour or so explaining how you can MAKE MONEY while using it and becoming an “Independent Distributor” (read: selling the product to your friends, and then they sell it to their friends, and you get a cut of that), you have to question the intentions of this company.

Right?

… Or are you allowed to?

There’s no question that obesity is a problem in the United States.  The underhandedness of it all comes from playing off the emotion that if you reject the product for any reason (since they say anyone can benefit from losing weight or becoming more lean) then you are seen as someone who doesn’t give a shit about their body and scrutinized for it.  Of course, it’s totally not because you don’t agree with what you are presented with, and question why it was presented to you in such a manner!  They tell you you are going to die if you don’t change the way you live.  And that may very well be true.  But what they mostly want you to do is to buy into their marketing plan.

ViSalus Sciences doesn’t care if you lose weight or not.  What they really want you to do is to market their products to the next guy, and have them market it to the next guy.  Yes, I understand that businesses exist for the sole purpose of making money.  But there is a reason why certain business ethics are in place and why business models like a “pyramid scheme” are outlawed, and others like “multi-level marketing” or “referral marketing” are walking the fine line.  The reason why these are so controversial and not legitimate business models is because they are UNSUSTAINABLE.  What happens when there are no more people to sell your product to and make money off of?  In this case, what happens when everybody is skinny?  The whole system falls apart, and only the people at the top are left with any money.

The oddities don’t stop there, of course.

When you dig deeper into (or, rather, get poured on with) the details of their referral program, it starts with you getting your ViSalus powder meal replacement substance for free when you refer three of your friends into buying one of their kits — the most expensive being a $250 “Transformation Kit.”  That’s probably a tough sell, but its the “most rewarding” from ViSalus’ standpoint when they’re trying to sell you into selling their stuff.  What’s more, is if you keep selling to people and then THEY sell to other people, and so on, you start getting checks cut to you in terms of percentages of what they buy and keep buying.  Pretty sweet, right?  And eventually you’ll get to a point where they’ll actually pay you for the lease of a BLACK BMW at 600 bucks a month!!!!  Oh, did you read the part where it has to be black?  That’s okay, if you don’t want black, they’ll give you 300 a month for something that isn’t black.

So, wait.  Did you read that right?  What the fuck does the color black have to do with any god damned thing?  I’d probably just chalk it up to the CEO of the company wanting his minions to look like a fleet of stealth fighters driving into the parking lots when they have any stupid meetings or expos for their marketing clients.  Maybe it’s an inside joke and he actually hates black BMW’s.  I don’t know what the fuck they’re trying to get at.  Besides, what happens when you repaint your black BMW into a red one?  Do they still give you 600 dollars?  It’s still technically black on the pink slip if you don’t change it, right?  Are they going to send someone to your house to inspect your car’s color?  Who knows, maybe they send a person to your house to gain intelligence on other matters, like when you take a shit or beat off.  And it doesn’t stop there… you could potentially be making millions of dollars with this marketing plan.  Hooray!  And you’re not even an actual employee of their company, yet you’re bringing in 10% of their gross income!  Makes a lot of sense.  Toss in a bunch of other random shit like a magazine subscription to the aptly named “Success” and you’ve got yourself some fireplace-burning material in addition to pumping weird chemical powder into your body and all the other benefits that come with it.

I think what irks me the most about the company, other than its obviously questionable business model is that on the first page of a Google search there are literally two to three results asking if the company and its referral marketing business model is a scam.  That is a red flag in itself.  You should not see that for any legitimate company.  You don’t search Target and see “is Target a scam?” as the second result, right?  I’m sure if you dug deep enough you’ll see some randoms on the Internet gloating about how they may have scammed Target or how some idiot doesn’t understand how a credit card transaction works.

Not only that, I have a sneaking suspicion that ViSalus themselves are actually putting these “Is it a scam?” articles up on these random web sites.  ViSalus is owned by a huge marketing company known as Blyth, and they have probably flooded the internet with articles of this nature to bury any real “evidence” of any legitimate complaints about the company.  Nearly all the articles you can find about ViSalus asking if it is a scam talk about the dicey things they may do, but end up praising them and saying how good the products are… topping it all off with a referral link to their own referral page to have you buy their shit.  If these articles were actually by individual writers, then they have no knowledge of journalistic ethics (what’s that?) since there is a HUGE conflict of interest apparent and no way to actually tell if they are saying what they’re saying just to get you to buy into it all.  This is what makes the company possibly being a scam a self-fulfilling prophecy.  They apparently say that it is a scam… only to conclude that it isn’t.  But by flooding the internet with these types of articles, it makes you question what they’re really up to.

To conclude, I’m not saying that the products they sell don’t work.  I’m not saying either that there isn’t money to be made by falling into their weird referral marketing program.  I just know that I want to stay the hell away from this company, and if anyone wants my suggestion, it would be to do the same — and make sure you skip on giving them any of your personal details.

–

Here’s a few extra reference materials from Yahoo-related web sites (so you know that it isn’t some fucker posing as a legit consumer):

http://ca.finance.yahoo.com/news/From-gang-member-millionaire-forbeswp-3869850001.html?x=0&cmtnav=/mwphucmtgetnojspage/headcontent/main/3869850001//date/desc/11/s101325

Same article as above with a different name:  http://www.forbes.com/sites/danschawbel/2011/08/08/entrepreneurship-nothing-to-lose-and-everything-to-gain/

http://news.yahoo.com/blyth-increases-stake-visalus-sciences-20110415-153430-696.html

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110605130954AAGG2va

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070701165240AALx2cL

–

Update 9/12/11:

And it keeps getting worse.  Not only do they have your friends selling you this shit, they have five-year-olds explaining it to you like they know everything.  BUT HEY!  Don’t forget about how you can REFER YOUR FRIENDS!  Yes, even a five-year-old knows how multi-level marketing works — its that simple!  Here’s one video that pretty much shows how bad this company wants you to get sucked into its ploy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U091N-ZrXYk

The comments are nothing short of hilarious.  Especially the one that says:

“So many of these responses amaze me. I would be willing to bet most of these people know nothing about these shakes, eat at McDonalds or Burger King every week and talk about eating properly. I have had these shakes as my breakfast for 2 years and would drink them for the rest of my life. They have more quality nutrition packed into each one than I can get from just about any breakfast. I exercise daily, which we encourage, and eat fruits, veggies, fish, daily. No need for such negativity.”

By some guy named “TheViGuy.”  Well, that isn’t some viral marketer employed by ViSalus, right?  Wrong.  It is.

It looks like there’s even more five-year-olds-explaining-multi-level-marketing videos on YouTube, too.  Enjoy.

Screwed Up Chronicles, Internet

“‘An Explanation and Some Reflections’ – by Reed Hastings” Breakdown

4 Comments
This entry is part 8 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

Netflix has been making some profound missteps in recent months.  It definitely shows up in their stock price… it’s not every company’s intentions to drop 50% in three months due to the lame moves you are making.  This past week’s lame misstep comes in the form of a separation of businesses, and a really dumb “apology letter.”

Now, not everyone seems to read things the same way that I do.  In this edition of Dave’s Breakdown, I will go in and explain Mr. Reed Hasting’s apology letter for all to truly understand, along with some of my own reflections to top it off.  To preface this, at the moment I have been a Netflix customer for about five years.

The original article is located here.

–

“I messed up. I owe everyone an explanation.

It is clear from the feedback over the past two months that many members felt we lacked respect and humility in the way we announced the separation of DVD and streaming, and the price changes. That was certainly not our intent, and I offer my sincere apology. I’ll try to explain how this happened.”

What this really means is “I’m sorry you guys didn’t like the price adjustment, but oh guess what, here’s something coming up that is universally more inconveniencing for everyone that we forgot to mention when we separated our services…”

What he’s really sorry for is that their stock price fell by 40% when they raised prices and split services.

“For the past five years, my greatest fear at Netflix has been that we wouldn’t make the leap from success in DVDs to success in streaming. Most companies that are great at something – like AOL dialup or Borders bookstores – do not become great at new things people want (streaming for us) because they are afraid to hurt their initial business. Eventually these companies realize their error of not focusing enough on the new thing, and then the company fights desperately and hopelessly to recover. Companies rarely die from moving too fast, and they frequently die from moving too slowly.”

Rarely dying from something doesn’t mean it’s not possible.  Netflix may just be another case study in the “rare” category.  Not to mention, how does something that COMPLIMENTS what you are going to be focusing more on in the future TAKE AWAY from it?  For example, AOL had dial-up.  What the hell else were they going to do once dial-up connections were not state-of-the-art?  They had to defend dial-up connections, there was no point in providing their services for Broadband connections on account they don’t even provide the service for it.  AOL could have probably done stuff a little smarter, but they’ve transformed into a web conglomerate.  What happened to EarthLink, another dial-up provider?  They’re still in business, apparently, doing what they’ve been doing.  The “real” AOL is essentially Time Warner.  Time Warner just shat out what was left of the AOL brand and company that they didn’t want anymore and the “new” AOL is like today’s AT&T — not the same, but not new either.

Borders bookstore was a retail store that sells books, and they offered no electronic versions of books.  Ok, except the reason they failed is because the Print industry, the Music industry, and the lack of them creating a service to take advantage of the new evolutions of those industries into account.  They also operated as retail stores and leases are expensive when you have thousands of stores.  Now, you have the polar opposite of Borders (a failed retail bookstore chain) with Barnes & Nobles (a still-successful bookstore) that is selling electronic books and music IN ADDITION TO having their brick and mortar stores.  Hey, wow!  Barnes & Nobles didn’t close all their retail stores or spin off all their retail bookstores into some weird half-breed retail company, did they?  No.  They kept them all under the same guise, and guess what they sell EVERYTHING, not just one thing.

“When Netflix is evolving rapidly, however, I need to be extra-communicative. This is the key thing I got wrong.

In hindsight, I slid into arrogance based upon past success. We have done very well for a long time by steadily improving our service, without doing much CEO communication. Inside Netflix I say, “Actions speak louder than words,” and we should just keep improving our service.”

What this really means is: “Before we started to worry about our stock price losing value and in-turn any investment opportunities we may have needed, I didn’t have to write anything to our customers in hopes to stop our free-falling stock prices before they hit the flushing toilet.”

“But now I see that given the huge changes we have been recently making, I should have personally given a full justification to our members of why we are separating DVD and streaming, and charging for both. It wouldn’t have changed the price increase, but it would have been the right thing to do.”

“I just thought that you guys would accept whatever business decisions I wanted to do because you guys love Netflix, and by association, MEEEE!”

“So here is what we are doing and why:

Many members love our DVD service, as I do, because nearly every movie ever made is published on DVD, plus lots of TV series. We want to advertise the breadth of our incredible DVD offering so that as many people as possible know it still exists, and it is a great option for those who want the huge and comprehensive selection on DVD. DVD by mail may not last forever, but we want it to last as long as possible.”

Yes, yes, we love DVDs!

“I also love our streaming service because it is integrated into my TV, and I can watch anytime I want. The benefits of our streaming service are really quite different from the benefits of DVD by mail. We feel we need to focus on rapid improvement as streaming technology and the market evolve, without having to maintain compatibility with our DVD by mail service.”

Wait… so what you’re saying is…

“So we realized that streaming and DVD by mail are becoming two quite different businesses, with very different cost structures, different benefits that need to be marketed differently, and we need to let each grow and operate independently. It’s hard for me to write this after over 10 years of mailing DVDs with pride, but we think it is necessary and best: In a few weeks, we will rename our DVD by mail service to ‘Qwikster’.”

AW MY GAWD WHAT THE FUCK IS A QWIK.  It’s hard for you to write that you’re renaming a service.  Ok, so what, you’re renaming the service.  That means you can market it and yaddayaddayadda and I can still do what I’ve been doing for the past three years, right?

“We chose the name Qwikster because it refers to quick delivery. We will keep the name ‘Netflix’ for streaming.

Oh, ok, well that’s acceptable.

“Qwikster will be the same website and DVD service that everyone is used to.”

Sweet, sounds good.

“It is just a new name,”

Ok, I get it.

“and DVD members will go to qwikster.com to access their DVD queues and choose movies.”

Wait, what?

“One improvement we will make at launch is to add a video games upgrade option, similar to our upgrade option for Blu-ray, for those who want to rent Wii, PS3 and Xbox 360 games. Members have been asking for video games for many years, and now that DVD by mail has its own team, we are finally getting it done. “

Wait, don’t try to change the subject here.  What the hell are you talking about, a different web site?  You just said it was the same site!

“Other improvements will follow. Another advantage of separate websites is simplicity for our members.”

HEY!  YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE.  LOOK AT WHAT YOU JUST SAID IN THE LAST PARAGRAPH:

“Qwikster will be the same website and DVD service that everyone is used to.”

What the FUCK are you talking about?  You just said Qwikster will be the same web site, and then you’re saying they’re SEPARATE web sites.  Are you talking about it being on the same web host?  No one cares that you’re on the same computer as another web site.  I’m sure that my web site is on the same server as some other famously popular web site, but I’m not going around saying I’m the same web site as some random popular web site.

“Each website will be focused on just one thing (DVDs or streaming) and will be even easier to use.”

Easier than… what?  What your web site is now?  I guess that the most logical way of making this easier is to make both web sites work with each other, right?

“A negative of the renaming and separation is that the Qwikster.com and Netflix.com websites will not be integrated. So if you subscribe to both services, and if you need to change your credit card or email address, you would need to do it in two places. Similarly, if you rate or review a movie on Qwikster, it doesn’t show up on Netflix, and vice-versa.”

HOOOOLLYYY SHIT, and there’s the killer.  What in the FUCK just happened.  It’s like your boyfriend saying he’d use a condom and then taking it off right before he inserted.  Or, it’s like your girlfriend taking off her pants and there’s a penis hanging off what you thought was going to be a vagina, but is really just testicles.  This is the most asinine shot in the head I have ever read, save The Joy Luck Club.  Holy.  Shit.

“There are no pricing changes (we’re done with that!). Members who subscribe to both services will have two entries on their credit card statements, one for Qwikster and one for Netflix. The total will be the same as the current charges.”

I’m still numb from the last paragraph…

“Andy Rendich, who has been working on our DVD service for 12 years, and leading it for the last 4 years, will be the CEO of Qwikster.”

“We’re sending Andy off to die.  See ya later, Rendich!  Don’t forget to write!”

“Andy and I made a short welcome video. (You’ll probably say we should avoid going into movie making after watching it.)”

This video is a great reason why you shouldn’t make your corporate strategy into a video.  It is not interesting.  Also, what the fuck is with the sole red envelope there?  Just so they can wipe their ass with it after the video is over?  What’s with the sunglasses and the laptop?  Were you doing some leisurely work (wearing sunglasses and using your laptop in the sun, even!) discovering what hue of red the Netflix envelope truly was and decided “Hey I’ve got a few minutes, let’s get Nathan down here with a camera while I’m typing up my ultra-cool apology letter that will totally fix all of our problems and make our stock go back up to 300 points and re-iterate what I’m saying to the populace of people who don’t care to read.  We’re Netflix, after all!”

“We will let you know in a few weeks when the Qwikster.com website is up and ready. It is merely a renamed version of the Netflix DVD website, but with the addition of video games. You won’t have to do anything special if you subscribe to our DVD by mail service.”

Wait so if it is so easily renamed and its actually just the same fucking thing, why can’t you just have the fucking web site be the same fucking web site!

“For me the Netflix red envelope has always been a source of joy.”

That’s because it means money to you.

“The new envelope is still that distinctive red, but now it will have a Qwikster logo. I know that logo will grow on me over time, but still, it is hard. I imagine it will be the same for many of you.”

I think the least of our worries the color of the envelope and the way it looks.  The experience has ALWAYS BEEN with the web site and the ease of using it, you sentimental tree murderer!

“We’ll also return to marketing our DVD by mail service, with its amazing selection, now with the Qwikster brand.”

Herein lies the only legitimate reason for them renaming their DVD by Mail service.  Yes, you should have a different brand to promote your DVDs again if that’s what you wanted to do.  However, Netflix DVD would have sufficed.  Netflix Video Games would have sufficed to.  I’ve heard weirder mismatches for companies in the past, not that I can remember any off the top of my head at the moment, but no one would have said “I don’t understand why Netflix has video games.  They have ‘flix’ in their name, for crying out loud!  I am totally canceling my account with Netflix because they have video games now, and it has nothing to do with streaming or television or movies or anything and it’s totally not optional oh em gee.”

What happens if Netflix wants to go into video game streaming, such as new services like OnLive have been doing?  Is Qwikster going to separate out their DVD and disc-based video game services into some tertiary company?  Where does it end!  They only want to focus on one thing at a time in each business, yet they’re launching video games, which is arguably a different expenditure all together, and they’re doing omigosh, TWO THINGS AT THE SAME TIME!  Call the board, let’s get another company split up in here!

Also, the reason why people were clamoring for video games in the first place was because it would have been from THE SAME WEB SITE FROM THE SAME COMPANY, WITH ONE BILL, AND ONE PAYMENT SYSTEM!  If people wanted a gaming rental service separate from Netflix, they would have had GameFly already!!  Focus groups would help you out to learn that!

“Some members will likely feel that we shouldn’t split the businesses, and that we shouldn’t rename our DVD by mail service. Our viewis with this split of the businesses, we will be better at streaming, and we will be better at DVD by mail.”

Why?  You’re not EXPLAINING why you think it would be.  What barriers are involved that make this necessary?  You haven’t said anything that convinces me of any sort of argument that makes it seem like this is a good move.  You say you want to focus on things one at a time, and you want to make another business.  How does splitting out the WEB SITE or even your business do anything more for you?  Whether it’s called Qwikster or Netflix, you guys are still in the same fucking buildings, aren’t you?  Maybe you should reorganize your company and make a streaming division and a DVD/video game division underneath Netflix instead of spending money and creating a new shell company to send your neglected business model off to die.

“It is possible we are moving too fast – it is hard to say. But going forward, Qwikster will continue to run the best DVD by mail service ever, throughout the United States. Netflix will offer the best streaming service for TV shows and movies, hopefully on a global basis. The additional streaming content we have coming in the next few months is substantial, and we are always working to improve our service further.”

Moving too fast?  How?  You’re not moving at all.  You’re taking your company in two different directions and, dare I say, setting up your tried-and-true business model up for sale when Netflix really decide to focus on one thing and one thing only — streaming.

“I want to acknowledge and thank our many members that stuck with us, and to apologize again to those members, both current and former, who felt we treated them thoughtlessly.

Both the Qwikster and Netflix teams will work hard to regain your trust. We know it will not be overnight. Actions speak louder than words. But words help people to understand actions.

Respectfully yours,

-Reed Hastings, Co-Founder and CEO, Netflix”

You know, I would have thought that a co-founder and CEO of this company would have thought, maybe just maybe, throwing out their original business model which started their company and made their success would be something more… unsettling than he may have originally thought the process to be.  Starbucks wouldn’t spin off their coffee business into another retail store if their muffins became the hot new item at their stores.  Hell, even if their muffins started pulling trillions of dollars in, they wouldn’t split that out into a new muffin chain.  It doesn’t make sense!

Now what I think Netflix will see when this happens is a large drop off of subscribers to their new Qwikster service simply because founding a new web site and brand name is quite obviously an uphill battle, and forcing people to accept it is quite another entirely.

Netflix has a fanbase, Qwikster does not.  I certainly say that I have no loyalty to something called Qwikster, but I do to Netflix. I can see why they would need to have a “different” brand because of the video games options coming about and for marketing purposes, but instead of being a completely separate web site, it should be a “portal” or “skin” to the main Netflix web site. Let’s say I go to Netflix, and then there’s a tab for Qwikster DVDs and Qwikster Games. Or if I go to Qwikster, I see an extra tab for Netflix Streaming Video.

As long as there is the same sort of integration for what we currently see, I don’t see why separating web sites benefits anyone — Netflix loses subscribers, I lose DVDs from Netflix, and we have to be mindful of another service with its own payment system, with its own customer service communication (if needed) etc etc.

It’s a hassle, especially when you consider you had it all in the same place before.

In one of the blog comments, Reed Hastings said that they don’t see Qwikster as being “that far away” from Netflix — as its only just “a link away” from each other… but so is MySpace to Facebook, and MSN to Google. There is a REASON people use Facebook or Google instead of all the other hullabaloo of assholery out there.

The Netflix web site is fine as it is.

If the excuse for this is their business is what needs to improve, how is separating web sites going to improve that considerably? If you need a different brand name, then make one. But don’t separate the services for the convenience of saying “that’s a different company, they’re doing their own thing, and we don’t care about it anymore.”  You are still responsible, as a parent company, to make sure customers who are with your new company LIKE your new company, and you’re not just sending it off to die.

What it really comes down to is that Netflix is definitely interested in killing off the DVD portion — the only reason they’re even keeping it anymore is because streaming is going to see very high increases in cost, and they’re not sure if DVDs will end up having more business when the hammer comes down after their streaming licenses expire.

Associating the DVDs into the streaming plans only makes that amount charged for streaming go higher than it actually perceptibly is. It is a pre-emptive attack on what is bound to come.  There are also rumors about how some companies force them to supply DVDs for some unrelated movies to have the license for a streaming version available, but how does spinning a company out into a subsidiary solve that?  Netflix still owns Qwikster!  For the time being, at least.

Maybe Netflix have to split it out to survive, after all. It still doesn’t change my opinion about having some sort of integration of services that make it easier for customers of both.  But I’m not a business manager/CEO type person, so what the fuck ever, I guess Netflix is just smarter than their customers!

–

Update Oct 10, 2011

Rejoice!  It appears that Netflix has reverted their prior decision to rename their DVD by Mail service into something stupid and crappy.

It appears that Netflix doesn’t want to spend money on focus groups or hire actual people to do research for them, instead they have opted to have their customers be exposed to flip-flopping decision-making and putting absolutely zero confidence in the way the company is thinking.  If they stuck by their laurels, at least they wouldn’t have seemed like a bunch of pushovers.

However, apologizing for an apology seems to be a pretty funny concept, and in the end, I can at least be thankful that this stupid business decision wasn’t put through.  The only good thing to come of the whole thing was Video Game rentals… and that seems to be put out to pasture as there is no mention of it anywhere.  Do we really need to tell Netflix how to run their company well enough to not run it into the ground?

Screwed Up Chronicles

Girls on Dating Sites

1 Comment
This entry is part 9 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

I sometimes scour the internet for all things hilarious.

More recently, that includes dating sites — especially for choice quotes.  My God, what a treasure trove I have stumbled upon — and I only look at the girl’s profiles.  I have yet to even try to look at what guys say and do on sites like Plenty of Fish, OKCupid, etc.  However, having a decent exposure to these web sites and the people that tend to be on them, I have formulated theories about what these girls actually say (or do) on them.

A lot of times, they just say the same things.  I think we can establish that there’s a few things that girls say or do on dating sites that is either really telling or just doesn’t need to be mentioned on their profiles.  And you would think that guys would be bad — yeah, well girls are bad too!

—

– The girl is “Looking to have fun.”

She is looking to have sex.

– Her profile is blank and only has pictures.

She is looking to have sex, and pretty much just relying on her “sexy” pictures to get guys to message her.  Never mind having a personality or even beating around the bush — she just wants her bush to get beaten directly.  And have as very little effort as possible in doing so.

This also covers people who basically make no statement of who they are/what they do/anything that would actually make you be interested in who they are as a person.  It’s great if you’re “friendly” but I have no idea what that tells me about you.

– “I don’t have time to fill this out right now.”

I don’t see how anyone cares that you need to state that you don’t have time to fill this out “right now.”  It just shows their lack of effort, especially since they never seem to update their profile to remove the statement.  There really is just no point in having the statement at all — if they omitted it, nothing would be lost.  I don’t care you didn’t have time to fill it out a month ago when you established your profile — what’s happened to the time since then?  “Right now” seems like a very long time.

– She has a picture of her leaning down with her boobs/ass hanging out.

She is probably looking for sex, or to “reel you in” with her main picture so that you can click on her profile.  You can’t really see her face, all you see is boob, and that’s what gets guys to click it.  Then you realize the horrible truth that she’s unattractive 9 times out of 10.  The same goes for any other “provocative” shots they might have uploaded.

– Boobs, boobs, and more boobs.

Nothing screams out to me “I’m trashy” more than when girls have 8 pictures of themselves on their profile squeezing/positioning their boobs in such a way that misappropriates their actual size/shape and makes them more “sexually pleasing.”  The best thing about it is that they say “I’m looking for a man that likes me for me” (or some broken English variant of that) and they accompany that forlorn statement with trashy boob pictures.  Have we found a dichotomy?  I think so.

– Self-camera shots.

Hardly a “dating site” problem, but the overwhelming majority of pictures seem to be a “hey look at what kind of camera I have” mirror shot.  And most have cleavage anyway.

– Girls that complain about “guys that are shirtless”

The only reason a girl complains about seeing a guy shirtless is because they don’t appeal to them.  They say it anyway because most of the guys they look at are probably fooling them just like their boobs are fooling guys just as badly.  We all know that they actually like looking at topless dudes as long as they are hot, despite what they say.

– Pictures with friends

It’s nice to see that girls have friends, I guess.  What can be annoying is when there’s a group of her friends (how nice that she has friends), but apparently she doesn’t deem it necessary to say “Hey, I’m that one.”  I guess the intent here is to confuse people looking at their profile into thinking they are actually the “hotter” one when in reality they might not (aka aren’t) be.

– Pictures with “other guys”

I don’t know what they’re trying to prove by putting up pictures of them with “other guys.”  I think they’re trying to say something like “hey, I can get any guy I want” but in reality they don’t seem like they can.  At the very least it would carefully off-put at least some of the people that look at their pictures for whatever reason they might have.  If they’re going to put up pictures of them on a dating site with other dudes they might as well date that guy before trying their luck on a dating site.

– They say they are sarcastic, but don’t seem to understand what that means.

A lot of girls like to say they are sarcastic or like sarcasm.  But they do little to demonstrate that they actually know what it means or how they are supposedly “sarcastic” all the time.  Obviously there are some that know what it is, means, and can actually be described as such.  But most aren’t.

– They are a “nerd.”

Everyone is a damn nerd.  No, you are not a nerd because you have a laptop and are studying for a test.  In fact, many of the people who say they ARE nerds, list nothing that actually qualify as such.  Very seldom do you see anyone actually say they “are” a nerd when they actually are one.

– Horrendous spelling.

I’m sure guys are just as bad, but how can I possibly love anyone that leaves out random letters from the beautiful language we call English?  This is just one example of the travesty you can find:

“u r probably wonder why i dont look prettier like thee other girls tlk to but jus to tell u unlike most of the girls i got things going for myself nd GOD made me to b the way i am for my future so begore u start meassing me sayin im not ya type or im ugly save both of our time and do us both a fav and dont message me with tht bs!!”

Case in point.  Or should I say… cse n pnt

– That’s proooooobably a tranny…

A lot of times you might find a girl that… looks a little bit off.  Sometimes they go right out and say “I am transgendered/transsexual” or “I am NOT a tranny.”  I suppose I feel sorry for the latter, being that people THINK they are transsexual and ask them repeatedly enough that it has to be listed on the profile.

– Overweight is the new “thin.”

This doesn’t happen a whole lot, but there’s a certain segment of crazies out there that like to lie about their body type.  I mean, really?  I can see your picture.  You are not thin or “average” — you are at the very least “overweight” or “few extra pounds.”  Don’t try to pass yourself off as Average body type when you are obviously not.  I suppose I can be lenient and say that since most people nowadays are overweight, you could be classified as “average.”  However, there are a couple of cases where that is really just not the case.

– They complain about getting a lot of messages… but then they want you to write a paragraph in your message to them.

I get that girls probably get tons of messages from guys, especially if they are seemingly-attractive.  It sort of seems counter-productive that they complain about getting tons of these messages, but want you to “say something more than ‘hi’.”  However, this is a double-edged sword — I’m sure all of the people that they would actually want writing “more than hi” to them don’t need to in order to get a response from them.  Not to mention I’m sure that the guys on these sites aren’t very high quality either.

– Awful piercings/tattoos/make-up.

99% of the time when girls have any of the above, they make themselves look terrible.  And then we get close up shots or stupid “pucker face” pictures with their stupid double-cheek piercings.  Not saying that all girls look unattractive with certain piercings/tattoos/make-up, but just that most of them think they look better than they actually do when they show that stuff off.  Most of that stuff will just make me question their sanity.

– “This is my _th time on here”

Sorry it didn’t work out for you before, but that just makes me think you’re either incompatible or you have a propensity to attract weirdos and allow them to meet you or get personal with you to the point you need to delete your profile to get rid of them.

—

In the end, there’s only one thing that comes from all of the exposure to single, lonely girls looking for companionship/”fun” (aka sex)/friends.  And that is that I become depressed that there are so many stupid people who don’t know how to write, take pictures, or realize that their weird double cheek piercing is not attractive.  There is a genuine sense of sadness when seemingly nice people are looking for their “right one” and don’t seem to have been able to so far, but those are few and far between — considering most dating sites are littered with people I would never want to associate with, let alone letting them know I saw their profile.

Screwed Up Chronicles

The Asinine Boyfriend Expectations List Breakdown

Leave a comment
This entry is part 10 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

I found this ridiculously asinine list of apparent requirements that some random stupid girl threw up on her dating profile.  Since it was so terrible, I decided to break down each line of it.  It should be noted that this was found on a not-very-attractive “high skool” math teacher’s page.  I doubt she actually wrote it, but who knows with these things.

The original image is attached at the bottom of the post.

—

I want a boyfriend who:

– “Isn’t going to call other girls cute.”

Wow, how paranoid and/or low self-esteem do you have to be to actually put a stranglehold on whoever you consider to be your actual boyfriend to restrict them from ever calling another girl “cute.”  Wow.  CUTE is the barrier?  A 10 year old could be construed as “cute” — is this person going to become super jealous if that happens?  I assume the obvious point of stating this to begin with is that they don’t want their theoretical boyfriend to look at other girls, but the catch-all low-standard requirement just seems like a good way to be controlling of said boyfriend rather than being more afraid about having them, at worst, cheat on you.

– “Isn’t going to like other girl’s facebook photo.”

Despite the terrible grammar, that this is #2 on the list absolutely boggles the mind.  Note that half of this world is made up of women, and most people in this world at least know one person that is a girl that they might be a Facebook friend with.  I would guess that simply being a Facebook friend with a girl is an infinitely more expressive notion to having some sort of infidelity going on with friends that are girls you might have, let alone liking some stupid fucking picture.  It’s okay to have cyber sex in private messages and talk about how many handjobs you would give in 30 minutes, but if you’re liking a photo, HOLY SHIT WATCH OUT, THE GIRLFRIEND IS GOING TO SMOTHER YOU WITH THAT PILLOW WHILE YOU SLEEP.

– “Would text me good morning/goodnight texts :)”

Boring.  Every single fucking day?  Come on.  Don’t people have different sleeping schedules, anyway?  I would assume that someone who is this controlling would want to be with their boyfriend 100% of the time anyway so wishing for these texts are irrelevant in their very basic logical form.

– “Actually makes an attempt to spend a day with me.”

I like that “makes an attempt” is the standard.  I guess it excuses anyone from actually having to spend a full day with this idiot.

– “Doesn’t want to rush things and isn’t just after sex.”

I already feel like this person wants to be married after the prior requirements.  Who’s the real person rushing things?

– “I can be my complete self around.”

Because there are apparently multiple “selves” running around separated and once they are completed they shall combine into the Slime Lord, a hopelessly clingy and needy ultimate biological girlfriend that you don’t want.  And Slime Lord is apparently in an “around” shape.  I guess.

– “I can take silly pictures with.”

Isn’t that cute.  WHOOPS!  Let’s just take some silly pictures, girlfriend!  It’ll be lots of fun!  Never mind having any sort of commonalities in our interests or personalities.  Just as long as we can take silly pictures, it’s good!

– “I can play xbox with.”

Despite the fact that Xbox sucks because you have to pay an additional fee to access any online fees, this girl probably only likes to play Call of Duty or at best Halo.  Considering the rest of the list leaves no room for imagination in perhaps other types of games that might actually be more complex than “shoot the bad guyz” I could see this as a string of very painful experiences.  Most of the pain would come from split-screen multiplayer.  Yuck.

– “I can wrestle with.”

Wow.

– “I can cuddle with.”

Cuddling is less important than wrestling.

– “Respects me and my decisions.”

What this actually means is:  “Here’s my fucking list and if you don’t fucking like it you can go fuck yourself.”  I think I’d rather fuck myself, thank you very much!

Also, it might be a bit of irony that this is the last in her list.  I guess being able to wrestle and take silly pictures with someone is more important that having respect from a theoretical boyfriend.

—

I want a boyfriend who

Internet, Quotes

YouSendIt Becomes Hightail

Leave a comment
This entry is part 11 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

YouSendIt, my “favorite” file sharing service (mostly because of the customer interactions and complete buffoonery that seems to run their business) has decided to ruin the one thing that they had going for them — their name.

Hightail is the perfect name for the people who run YouSendIt.  Instead of something that describes a focused and effective service, they renamed to something that is ambiguous, has no real direction, and alludes to asses in the air as they run away from something that is about to explode (which would be their servers and web site, since they suck).

I’m mostly glad they changed their name because, my God — Look at the amazing response they’ve garnered from their “passionate” renaming!

This whole name change thing reminds me of another article I wrote in my Breakdown series…

Also, the video they put up is absolutely asinine.  Look at the corporate gushery that goes around their stupid name!

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

“Prismacolor Verithin Colored Pencils” Breakdown

Leave a comment
This entry is part 12 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

The back of my box of Prismacolor Verithin Colored Pencils had the following to say:

—

A Definite Strong Point

Prismacolor Verithin Pencils have harder, more durable leads that complement the soft thick leads of the Prismacolor Art Pencils.  Specially formulated leads won’t shatter when sharp-ended.  These last longer under heavy marking and writing pressure.  The thing leads and precision points create the finest details. Verithin pencils are flexible color tools for outlining and lettering.  All 36 color match Prismacolor Art Pencils.  Available in open stock and sets.

Precision Tools of Color

  • Thin leads for small details and multiple uses
  • Hard and strong to resist breaking
  • Made form the finest pigments for bold color laydown
  • Consistent Prismacolor standards of quality
  • Available in 3 Art Sets
    • 12 colors 02476 (796)
    • 24 colors 02427 (731)
    • 36 colors 02428 (732)

—

And this is what davepoobond had to say about it:

—

Anyone that picks up a box of pencils and reads this shit on the back and believes any of that bullshit, making the colored pencils sound like Godly items, is a dumbass.  Who writes all this shit?  Do they even believe the crap they’re trying to jam down our throats?  I doubt it.

And what’s with the numbers?  Its not like we’d actually use them, like to ask for them.  Here’s an example of how that would play out:

—

(a man is looking at a box of the 12 colored pencils, when a store employee comes up to him)

Store Employee:  Hello, sir.  Can I help you with something?

Customer: Ah, yes, I see you have the 02476 (796), but I can’t seem to find the 02427 (731) or 02428 (732) anywhere!

(Store Employee blinks a couple of times)

Store Employee:  Sorry I couldn’t help you with anything, have a nice day.

(Store Employee runs away)

(End)

—

You see how ridiculous that is?  Another thing that pisses me off is that they keep repeating the same bullshit.  I can summarize the whole thing they had into this:

These colored pencils are good for small detailing and have resistance to breaking.  Comes in packs of 12, 24, or 36.

They give us unuseful information:

Multiple uses — as opposed to only one use?

Hard and Strong — they’re the same thing.  Drop a word you bastards!

Made from the finest pigments for bold color laydown — What the hell does bold color laydown mean?  They expect everyone to know that?  How about I boldly lay down my color into your face!!!!

Consistent Prismacolor standards of quality — this means absolutely shit to me.  What would it matter to me about their “standards?”  Their standards could be shitty for all we know.

They also advertise their art pencils about 3 times in the same thing, making you have to think that you absolutely need their art pencils.

What the hell is with their “flexible color tools” phrase?  Do these pencils bend?  Can I tighten a screw with these pencils?  Or maybe get around that sharp corner so I could tighten the yellow on the paper?  Great, thanks assholes!

And their paragraph just looks like a bunch of unrelated sentences tossed together.  The only relating factor to any other sentence is just the amount of bullshit that emanates from the box.

Bull shit.  All crap I tell ye!  Crap!  Crap, I say!  I tell you its pure crap!  Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap shit shit shit shit shit shit!  Good color pencils, though.  =) =) =) =)

Screwed Up Chronicles, Music

“Katy Perry – Dark Horse” Breakdown

Leave a comment
This entry is part 13 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

To continue on the earlier thought that practically every song Katy Perry sings is about Katy Perry taking it from a very large penis in some shape or form, her recent single “Dark Horse” is also about a big penis slapping the shit out of her ovaries.   In this edition of Dave’s Breakdown, we’ll go over the lyrics of this song with a fine toothed-comb.

—

[Juicy J:]
“Yeah / Ya’ll know what it is / Katy Perry / Juicy J, aha. / Let’s rage”

Okay this part is your normal introduction of the “guest” singer in a song.  So we have it established that this guy “Juicy J” is the object of Katy Perry’s lower abdominal discomfort.  As his name implies, he probably has a very large, juicy penis.  Or at least, that’s what we’re supposed to believe.

[Katy Perry:]
“I knew you were / You were gonna come to me”

Well, you can’t get more blunt than this.  This guy is “cumming” to her!

“And here you are / But you better choose carefully”

Choosing what, you might ask?  I’m guessing anal or vagina.  You have to choose carefully because if you go anal you can’t go vagina unless you trade out the condom because then there will be shit on the condom and putting shit into a vagina isn’t nice for anyone.

“‘Cause I, I’m capable of anything / Of anything and everything”

She’s open to every position you can think of, and she is very flexible.

“Make me your Aphrodite / Make me your one and only / But don’t make me your enemy, your enemy, your enemy”

Something about not being open to threesomes.

“So you wanna play with magic / Boy, you should know what you’re falling for”

Play with “magic” being semen swirling inside of her vagina.  Falling, because when she squirts, she squirts with such force she’ll make you fall backwards.

“Baby do you dare to do this?”

It is pretty dangerous because her vagina/ass is very tight.

“Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse”

Now, here it is.  She is riding the “you” in the song like a horse, but a dark one.  Because you didn’t expect her to be so easily fuckable.

“Are you ready for, ready for / A perfect storm, perfect storm”

She’s so perfect in bed, the sheets will wrap up like a tornado or something, and you can’t get out until you rip a tendon.

“Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine / There’s no going back”

Once you decide to go steady with her, anal is off the table.

“Mark my words / This love will make you levitate”

Your semen is going to “levitate” cause you’re going to be laying down while she’s riding you like a (dark) horse.

“Like a bird / Like a bird without a cage / But down to earth / If you choose to walk away, don’t walk away”

You can’t leave until you make her squawk like a bird.

“It’s in the palm of your hand now baby / It’s a yes or no, no maybe / So just be sure before you give it all to me / All to me, give it all to me”

Katy Perry’s ovaries are in your hands and you have to put them back inside her vagina, fertilized.

[Juicy J – Rap Verse:]
“Uh / She’s a beast / I call her Karma (come back) / She eats your heart out / Like Jeffrey Dahmer (woo) / Be careful / Try not to lead her on / Shorty’s heart is on steroids / Cause her love is so strong / You may fall in love / When you meet her / If you get the chance you better keep her / She’s sweet as pie but if you break her heart / She’ll turn cold as a freezer / That fairy tale ending with a knight in shining armor / She can be my Sleeping Beauty / I’m gon’ put her in a coma / Woo!”

Translation:  Wear a condom or you’re fucked in more ways than one.  Knight in shining “armor” indeed…

“Damn I think I love her / Shorty so bad, I’m sprung and I don’t care”

Not even trying to hide that this part is about a penis.

“She ride me like a roller coaster / Turned the bedroom into a fair (a fair!)”

Usually roller coasters come with lots of safety precautions, but once you’re set up, its going to be up and down, up and down, up and down, and possibly barfing at the end because of all the nausea/gagging.  There will also be lots of gross food and cotton candy pubic hair.

“Her love is like a drug / I was tryna hit it and quit it / But lil’ mama so dope / I messed around and got addicted”

Funny how they use a word that has the word “dick” in it at the end of this verse.

–

In conclusion, Katy Perry has big boobs, but now her songs are more about being exclusive to one person and getting only one person to fuck her brains out in a consistent relationship rather than as a fleeting one night stand like in her song “Firework.”