The Whitman’s House: A Halloween Story

I wrote this in 6th grade for class.  I preserved all of the bad grammar and/or spelling errors that might be present.

I. There was always something strange about that house in Hintelville. The house in Hintelville is so weird every time someone walks past it they is scared to death! Every Friday the thirteenth all the ghosts attack the town of Hintelville … the town where Anthony lives.

II. “Hey guys if we’re going to get to Anthony’s house by sundown we have to go NOW!” Dave and Matt’s dad yelled

“Just a minute dad!” Dave said. Dave is twelve years old, he hopes something exciting will happen in his life. He can hack into any computer system, and he has black hair and hazel eyes. Dave’s brother, Matt, has black hair and hazel eyes, is 11 ½ years old, and he can program games on computers. Anthony is their favorite cousin. He is awesome, at age thirteen, and has cool ideas on how to have fun. Dave was stuffing their clothes in his gym bag while Matt was getting their laptop computer in his bag.

III. When they finally got to Anthony’s (from a two hour car trip), they rang Anthony’s doorbell. In a few minutes Anthony opened the door. He said, “Dave, Matt what are you doing here?”

“We’re going to stay over for two weeks! Isn’t that great?” Dave said.

Anthony said, “Come on in, I gotta talk to you about something.” When they went to Anthony’s room, Anthony closed the door and said, “It’s really bad that you came today.”

“Why” Matt asked.

“Because tomorrow is Friday the thirteenth. At the stroke of twelve the ghosts of the old Whitman house attack Hintelville. Every Friday the thirteenth we’ve been able to stop them from taking over the town.” Anthony answered.

IV. So tomorrow was Friday the thirteenth. Everybody in the town was ready for action. The people of Hintelville had made a little “army” outside. While Matt was outside with the “army” Dave stayed inside with the laptop. Suddenly Dave heard screams, gun shots, and more screaming. Then Dave looked back to the laptop and opened a file called “Ghost Houses.” There were about twenty houses. Dave typed in “Whitman” and then he saw the house! Dave looked down at the “What you should do to make the ghosts disappear”: 1.Call the Ghostbusters. 2.Get outta Hintelville. 3.Hack into the house’s computer system.

“Hey, wait a minute! Since when does a haunted house have a computer system?” Dave said. Dave heard a bloodcurdling scream. Dave pressed on “Hack’em!” At the bottom of the page. Inside the Whitman computer system, there was were many types of ghosts and everything. “So the ghosts are all computer holograms!” Dave said.

V. Then Dave rushed to the window and yelled, “Everybody head for the house!” Everybody listened to Dave and started racing to the house. Inside Dave put on a bullet proof vest that Anthony had left him just in case. He also took two hand guns and a machine gun. He also took a helmet. Then Dave scampered to the house for the final confrontation. When Dave got outside all the “ghosts” had suddenly disappeared!

VI. When Dave got to the house everybody was waiting for Dave him.

Then Anthony said, “So, are we going to get in or what?” When he said that, they started banging down the door and breaking windows to get in. When they got in they started ambushing the bad guy behind it all. They chased him through the house. Finally they caught him. It was some guy named Antonio Pilowpioosowsomething. He said, “Dang, I almost captured the town.”

THE END

 

Squacklecast Episode 19 – “The 18th 15th Anniversary Special Edition”

This entry is part 19 of 32 in the series The Squacklecast

October 18 is Squackle’s Anniversary!!!!!!!!  It is now 15 years old!!!!  Holy shit, does anyone even care???

As a special celebration, special guest and special friend of Squackle.com, Charlie Sheen is with us today for a special Squacklecast!

The following is also talked about:

Halloween and Halloween movies.  We go over Rotten Tomatoes’ list of Halloween movies.

Great Pumpkin

South Park’s newest season.

Black Dynamite was mentioned.

Old Cartoons, like Wacky Races, and other 60’s/70’s-era cartoons, as well as Tom & Jerry.

Tom & Jerry was recently remade, if you weren’t aware, so we started talking about bringing back older cartoons as new series, such as:

The 2011 Thundercats. Masters of the Universe the movie and that newer Masters of the Universe show.

If I could bring back a show for a reboot, it would be Street Sharks.   Make it live action!!  WHY NOT.  Swat Kats would also be cool, wouldn’t it?

Street Sharks

Street Sharks

Or rebooting Reboot.

We also dote upon the history of wiping after pooping.

The Random Wikipedia Article of the day is this thing:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Sindhi_festivals

Also, kids in movies (and life) suck.

I Hate Children

I Hate Children

 

Mauvais sang is one of those movies we watched in film class.

We also review our current Netflix Queues and how we tackle our movie viewing schedules.

Thanks ya’ll!  15 years down the drain.  Here’s to the next 15 years.

 

The Cranes and the Masking Tape

One day there was a family of cranes nesting happily below a huge fountain at an amusement park.  There were six cranes in all, happily living life, feeding from the crumbs dropped by the forever-eating patrons of the amusement park.

There was the mother, Sealee, and her beautiful husband, Archibald, who had four wonderful crane children.  The two oldest were twins, String Bean 1 and String Bean 2 (also known as The Twins String Bean collectively), followed by their sister Celithrulith and lastly, but certainly not least, came beautiful baby Stotch.

Stotch was only a few months old but was already showing great signs of growing up into a prestigious adult male.  He was the crown jewel of the family, because he was really pretty, cause he was a male, and males are pretty, and the only thing Sealee and Archibald would talk about to the other cranes they met while flying around the amusement park at night when all the a-hole tourists are gone.  However, because they were not as important as the new baby, the three sisters secretly met in the one place their parents would never think to look —  the bathroom — in order to find a way to get rid of “stupid baby Stotch.”

“We could strangle him!” the Twins String Bean shouted in the refracting walls of the bathroom.

“NOT SO LOUD!” Celi, short for Celithrulith, screeched at the twins.  “Strangling MIGHT be the best option, since us cranes have fragile necks….!”

The Twins String Bean started laughing in unison.

“But what should we strangle him with?!?” 1 said.

2 said, “Rope?”

1 said, “String?”

2 said, “A sweater?”

1 said, “A bowling ball?”

1 and 2 started rattling off random objects for about two minutes when Celi finally came to an epiphany.

“Masking tape…!”

All three cranes started squawking in excitement!  Masking tape was the worst feeling in the world for their feathers.  It stuck to it like no other adhesive and when you took it off, it took some feathers with it!

It was three weeks since the death of Stotch…  and the investigation was going nowhere!  Due to the chains of bureaucracy in the town of Beauracracy, also the fact that Tax-Free Furniture Week has been going on for three weeks no one gave a shit about the murder of a lowly no-tax-paying crane.  Sealee and Archibald had been crying ever since they found young Stotch strangled behind the river rapids depot, with the feathers around his neck ripped off.  His poor, fragile, neck had to been bent in an awkward direction.  As the tide came in at the river rapids, his body had traveled from where the murder had actually taken place, which still has yet to be found.

Sealee and Archibald spent the coming weeks in the company of their religious community, with Father Snewrug holding a ceremony for Stotch’s burial.  The three sisters, silently happy that all has been going according to plan, played along with the proceedings, no one the wiser that the murderers were with them the whole time.

Stotch’s spirit roamed the grounds of the amusement park for hundreds of years, as the Stotch the Crane Spirit became a theme during the Halloween event.  Eventually the park, renamed Stotch’s Scary Crane Park could not sustain on ghost stories alone.  It was closed down, and Stotch was truly alone, the images of his murder playing in his mind over and over.  Globs of masking tape littered the abandoned amusement park like tumbleweed, blowing across the landscape.

Stotch’s colors were very beautiful, even for a ghost.  It was what made him so noticeable when he appeared to people squawking in their faces.  Occasionally he would have been seen staring at people with his mouth wide open as he “watched” people going to the bathroom.  The things you can get away with as a ghost!

Stotch was feeling particularly even more alone than usual once the amusement park had been closed down.  It seemed like no one really cared about him, and there weren’t even any ghost-themed investigation reality TV shows coming to see find him anymore.

The abandoned amusement park was once again occupied when a sect of the human race, known scientifically as “Hipsters” began moving in.  They thought it would be so cool to live in an abandoned amusement park where no one would be able to criticize their tight jeans and hipster-sounding music.  They would have movie nights where they could watch all the classics, like Gone With the Windie Rock Festival, and The Fantastic Mr. Anti-Establishment Tight Jean Designer.

Ah, yes, life was grand in the old spooky haunted abandoned amusement park full of hipsters.  That was, until Stotch had enough of the hipster crap and Hot Topic receipts littering his home!  One by one, Stotch squawked very loudly in the face of each hipster, appearing and disappearing in a blinding flash.  Not only was he assaulting their senses, but he was ruining their movie nights and their mini-musical festivals that hipsters always like to say they attend.

Hipster-Honcho Jake Guldinthal, leader of the Hipsters proclaimed that all of his friends (also known as “subjects” in non-hipster lingo) should perform a séance to rid themselves of their ghostly companion.  His squawking ruined the best scene in Clearance-Priced Wedding, where the Princess of Bargain Bin Town finally said “I DO” to the Prince of Upscale Department Store Town and had a 50 minute-long lovemaking scene in which there was no nudity, and only money being used to touch each other.  It had something to do with using money for not-its-intended-purposes or something like that.  The movie ended with a wad of sweaty cash being thrown into the trash can.  Stotch’s fifty-one minute squawk would probably be a world record.  But, alas, the Hipster Congregation’s Hipster Council met in the Merry Go-Round to discuss their ghost infestation.  The only solution was to summon the bird into the open and shoo him away for good.

The cheapest psychic in the area, Jorge Yulonzagonez, a half Chinese, half Mexican, half Japanese man was hired to get rid of the ghost.  Now, you might be asking why this man is three halves of a person.  That’s because he is a conjoined “twin” with two heads, but both heads have the same consciousness.  Don’t ask why, but both brains work in unison with each other and when he speaks, both heads speak at the same time.  Sometimes he’s able to make one of them not say anything, if he’s making a joke, though.

Jorge Yulonzagonez came by in his station wagon, and the hipsters were all in a large circle around the bathroom building – the place where most of the activity seems to originate.  Jorge’s two heads spoke in unison, “Hello, my friends .  We are here today to exterminate this ghost of the day… this ghost of the night… this ghost that has been ruining your hipster musical festivals!  How dare this ghost ruin movie night and make your sensitive man leggings stretch further than they are meant to stretch!”

At that moment, Jimmy Santiago broke down and began to cry into his hands.  Those around him comforted him.

Jorge pointed towards Jimmy.  “It will be alright, my friend!  This puta will pay for the crimes he has committed!  Just because he’s a ghost, doesn’t give him free reign on being a jerk!”

Jimmy Santiago agreed with the empowering words and patted his comforting friends on the shoulder, thanking them for their support.

“Now, let us join hands and begin the expunging of this fowl ghost!”  Jorge got on top of a random box and began waving his hands around like a bird.

“CAW… CAW CAW!!!  SHOO GHOST!  SHOO!   LEAVE THIS PLACE!!” Jorge squawked like a bird.

Stotch screeched a howling screech that made all of the hipsters start dancing.  It sounded just like one of those bands they had at their last indie music festival, that they didn’t realize that it was actually a ghost!

Stotch manifested in front of Jorge, unable to disappear.  He stood in place and flapped his wings in an aggressive fashion.

Jorge pointed to Stotch.  “YOU!  GHOST!!!  LEAVE THIS PLACE IMMEADIATELY!”

Stotch fluttered his feathers.  “Who are you to tell me to leave this place?  I’ve lived here for a very long time and if you think some two-headed jerk can make me leave after what I’ve endured these years, you’ve got another thing coming, sir.  I was murdered in a bathroom and dumped into an amusement park water ride by my own jealous sisters!”

The hipsters all started crying.  It was like the plot from their favorite sappy movie that they never knew existed.  The only thing missing was a flight jacket and some ripped tight jeans with some shaggy hair cut.

Just then, a fleet of Versikons, a flying human species that is known to be a Hipster’s predator, swooped in on the crowd of crying hipsters.  They all dispersed and ran away crying into the distance as a few of them were lifted into the air and had their musical tastes demeaned by the Versikons.  Soon the Hipsters left the amusement park entirely, and only Jorge and Stotch remained.

“I didn’t see that coming.”  Jorge said from both of his heads.

Stotch agreed.

“Well, onto the next abandoned amusement park, eh Stotch?”  Jorge continued.

 

Jorge hopped onto Stotch and rode off into the sunset.  As they rode away, three female crane ghosts fluttered in the air.  On each neck hung shreds of masking tape…!

 

The End.

 

Voting

I fucking hate it when people say “oh you better vote for your country!”.. thats stupid. When has a presidential campaign
ever been won by a SINGLE vote? (okay maybe it’s happened before, who cares) Im never going to vote, EVER! it’s
a waste of time. This is just like screaming at a concert. what the fuck? Do you really think it is necessary? I know
that ‘every person makes a difference’ well I dont give a shit… i also hate people that go to parades. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!
who goes to parades? or like, christmas strolls.. its all stupid shit. i hate season clothing because you can only wear it for like a week
and if you have nothing to wear in march and you wear your halloween sweater then you’ll get the shit beat out of you. especially if
nobody likes you as it is. i hate people that say the pledge of allegiance at school. you dont HAAAVE to, and at this age (high school)
you’re not fucking patriotic, and if you are, you’re just trying to get attention. My mom once dated a black guy, and do you see me
wearing a damn christmas sweater right now? hell NO!

 

The Curse of the Halloween Pencil

The Curse of the Halloween Pencil – n. all Halloween pencils have a curse. If someone breaks a Halloween pencil in half, they instantly become a wussy pansie for the rest of their life. Be careful out there, if you break a Halloween pencil, you’ll never get laid again! (by a girl, if you’re a guy, or a guy if you’re a girl, unless money is involved).

 

Joke #18651

Desperate for a unique Halloween costume for an up-coming party, my friend, Jessica had an inspired idea.

She put on a slinky dress and fishnet stockings, and then balanced a small table-top on her head. Affixed to it was a lamp, a champagne glass and an ashtray with two cigarette butts.

She went as a ‘one night stand’……and won first prize!

 

Joke #18650

Our six year old son was all excited about his Halloween costume. “I’m going to be the Pope,” he said.

“Jake, you can’t be the Pope,” I said. “You’re not Catholic. You’re Lutheran.”

Jake hadn’t thought about that. So he considered his alternatives. After a few minutes, he asked,

“Is Dracula a Lutheran?”

 

The Unfriendly Restaurhaunt and Coffin Shop Moan-U

The following is a menu offered at the Unfriendly Restaurhant and Coffin Shop Moan-U.

A die-ning delight that will lift your spirits!

SAND-WITCHES

Boo-loney

Boo-gels and Scream Cheese

Hallow-weenies

Liver-worst

BOO-VERAGES

Milk Shaaaakes

Ice Scream Floats

Orange Crrrush

HEX-TRAS

Clammy on the Half Shell

Chilllled Tomb-ato Juice

Deviled Eggs

SOUPS AND SALADS

L-eeek! Soup

Cream of Asparaghost

Arti-Choke Hearts

Lettuce Alone Salad

Marinated Brussel Shouts

SIGHED DISHES

Baked Beings

Cre-mated Spinach

DESS-HURTS

Creep Suzettes

Banana Scream Pie

Sheet Cake

Key Slime Pie

Hot Sludge Shun-dae

TODAY’S SPE-CHILLS

Spook-ghetti

Souther Fright Chicken

Ghoul-lash

Turkey with Grave-y

Pasta-way

Breakfast Served from Midnight to 3 A.M. Daily

CEREALS

Ghost Toasties with Evaporated Milk

Shrouded Wheat

Scream of Wheat

EGGS

Terri-fried Eggs — Over Easy

Scream-bled Eggs

Three-moan-it Soft-booled Eggs

Stormy-side-up Eggs

Eggs Boonidict

Cust-tomb-ers: We accept Die-ners Club, Monster Card, and American Hex-press Credit Cards