Desperate for a unique Halloween costume for an up-coming party, my friend, Jessica had an inspired idea.
She put on a slinky dress and fishnet stockings, and then balanced a small table-top on her head. Affixed to it was a lamp, a champagne glass and an ashtray with two cigarette butts.
She went as a ‘one night stand’……and won first prize!
Our six year old son was all excited about his Halloween costume. “I’m going to be the Pope,” he said.
“Jake, you can’t be the Pope,” I said. “You’re not Catholic. You’re Lutheran.”
Jake hadn’t thought about that. So he considered his alternatives. After a few minutes, he asked,
“Is Dracula a Lutheran?”
I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.
“I’m assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?” I asked.
The waitress responded proudly, “I’m self-absorbed.”
10. You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net.
9. Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump truck full of yams.
8. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps.
7. While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker.
6. Strangers keep addressing you as “Mr. President.”
5. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read “Good Lord!”
4. You now have an butt the size of Plymouth Rock.
3. People keep looking at you and saying, “I thought the Macy’s Parade was over.”
2. Your relatives can’t go home because they’re stuck in your gravitational field.
1. You’re sweatin’ gravy, my friend!
Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? (The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. Don’t EVEN think of going there!) So I now present for you….
*Things NOT To Say When Hanging The Christmas Lights*
– “You’ve got two red lights right next to each other. You’re supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue…”
– “Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try.”
– “What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?”
– “Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I’m going to fry that sucker.”
– “If you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it at all. Don’t just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You’re worse than your father.”
– “Give me that!!”
– “You’ve got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top.”
– “I don’t care if you have found another two strings, I’m done!”
– “You’ve just wound ’em around and around – I thought we agreed it shouldn’t look like a spiral this year?”
– “Have you been drinking?!!?”
– “Okaaay! Looks like we’re *finally* done here now. Not too shabby huh? Hey….wait a minute, where’s the cat?”
While Christmas shopping at a toy store, Barry came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel.
As he scanned the line, he noticed his friend, Wally, waiting with all the others. Knowing that Wally had no daughters or young relatives, Barry figured that Wally must like the dolls himself. “Wally, I didn’t know you were a collector!”
“I’m not,” Wally replied.
“Then why are you standing in this long line?”
“Well, I’ve never been able to resist a Barbie queue!”
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.
I was recently talking with a friend who bemoaned her family’s lack of holiday rituals.
“My family doesn’t have any traditions,” she complained. “We just do the same thing year after year after year.”
Q: What would you get if you crossed a sledgehammer with a Valentine?
A: A real heartbreaker.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a hillbilly with Santa Claus?
A: A ho-ho-ho down.
BABY MONSTER: “Can I have a mummy for Christmas?”
MOTHER MONSTER: “Yes, but you’ll have to wrap it yourself.”
Kids in my school are really lazy. They’re so lazy they dress up as pillows on Halloween.
Q: How do Santa’s elves get to school?
A: On a Yule bus.
Q: How are bad teeth like Thanksgiving turkeys?
A: They both need a lot of filling.
Q: Who comes down the hospital chimney once a year and fills the stockings with bandages?
A: Santa Gauze.