# 9/19 – Pirate Day!

9/19 is Talk Like a Pirate Day!

# Joke #5485

Q: Why has Father Christmas got such a lousy sex life?

A: Because he only comes once a year.

# SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer’s Perspective

I.

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per house-hold; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second — 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the “flying” reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them — Santa would need 360,000 of them.This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

IV.

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance — this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

V.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now…

# Cheap Halloween Costumes

Fairly Cheap Costumes:

Tom Cruise – sunglasses, socks (no shoes), no pants or shorts, a dress shirt, and underwear

Chuck Norris – wear only pants, no socks or shoes, a bandana, and die your facial, chest, and back hair red

Tarzan – only wear loin cloth underwear or any underwear

Things you can say you are if someone asks and you aren’t dressed up:

“Myself”

“an Insomniac”

“a Necrophiliac”

“a trick or treater”

“a retired wrestler”

“a person with a bus pass”

“I wear shorts”

“I have candy”

“I’m a scary monster”

“I forgot my costume on my way to your house”

Or just run away before they can ask.

# Kissing Rules

1) When Kissing make sure your eyes are closed.

2) When you are kissing someone make sure it is not someone else’s b/f or g/f!!

3) You may NOT eat pizza anytime before you make out.

4) If a person is a bad kisser, you MAY NOT stop and leave at anytime, it’s rude.

5) A person with braces may not kiss another person who has them.

6) When kissing make sure your hands are where there allowed (they can wander sometimes and some people don’t like that)

7) NEVER ask someone if you’re a good kisser, you will either get a wrong answer, or the truth will hurt you.

8 ) If you were expecting More Than Kissing don’t complain, you will get less the next time.

9) Kissing more than one person in a day can result in you not being allowed to kiss one of those parties anymore

# Top 5 Stuff

Top Five Places To Go On A First Date:

1) Movies

2) Shopping

3) To A Dance

4) Ice Skating

5) Theme Park

Top Five Places NOT To Go On A First Date:

1) Double Date

2) Out To Eat

3) Bowling

4) Their House To Meet Their Parents

5) A Sports Event

Top Three Things To Say To Your Girl Date:

1) Wow… you look amazing!

2) I Love You.

3) Wanna Sit In The Back?

Top Three Things To Say To Your Guy Date:

1) You’re such a hottie!

2) I Love You.

3) Where Do You Want To Make Out?

If You’re A Guy, DON’T wear:

1) A Tux

2) Baggy Jeans And An Old Shirt

If You’re A Girl, DON’T Wear:

1) Jeans And A Tee Shirt

2) Short Shorts And Tight Shirts- If You’re Fat

3) Sandals If You’re Toenails Are Long

If You’re A Girl, DON’T Say This To You’re Date:

1) Does This Make Me Look Fat?

2) Do I Have Something In My Teeth?

3) You’re Alot Nicer Than My Old Boyfriend

# konft

konft – v. to celebrate Christmas by digging a grave

# UPDATE 1-16-03

davepoobond: i COULD say something really stupid, but i’ll leave it up to Nose…

Nose: blow me

stuff updated/put up:

Dictionary – 1480 words, 20 new. SUBMIT A WORD

# UPDATE, week of 9-03-01

stimpyismyname: something, how bout like, you write the alphabet or something. are you just writing what i’m saying? ………oh great…..uhhhhh what?

blowthetoad: my goldfish is sexier than Nose’s nose

stuff updated/put up:

# UPDATE April 2, 2000

dAvE bOnD:  there’s a new thingy in the holidays section in valentine’s day….i hate it, but i dont give a crap about it.  there’s some new jokes in the stories section…a thingy in the Other Junk section.  ah….some stuff changed in video games…that’s about it…

stimpyismyname:  La porte FACKTA de DOOPA! And if you don’t like THAT, then you can chew stale dookie!

# UPDATE February 14, 2000

dAvE bOnD:  I put a section up called Other Junk.  Its a place where we put stuff where we don’t know where else to put.  There’s also a new section called Holiday Stuff.  There’s a bunch of stuff there, it could give you tips, and stuff like that.