Tag Archives: America

Joke #9238: On the Krakow

A man was eating at a diner, when a well-dressed man sitting next to him said, “Excuse me for intruding, but I could not help noticing your accent. Are you from Krakow?”

“Yes, I am,” replied the surprised man.

“It is so nice to meet a land kinsman here in America,” said the well-dressed man. “I tell you what. I am a vice-president at the napkin factory. If you ever need a job, give me a call and I will be happy to set you up.”

Six months go by, and the man loses his job, and decides to call his new friend. He had completely forgotten the man’s name at this point, so he decided to take a shot in the dark.

The receptionist answered, and he asked, “Pardon me, do you have a Krakauer there?”

“Sir,” she replied, “we don’t even get a coffee break!”

Joke #9191

A visitor from The Netherlands was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

“Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.”

“That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too.”

The AOL Theory

See AOL doesn’t stand for American On Line, it stands for Army Of Lithuanians. See Steve Case (creator of AOL) is actually a Lithuanian leader. See when you lag, it’s actually a computurized Amish Mafia thats helping the Lithuanians because there so much against technology. See, they nibble on your telephone wires (some, if not all get shocked and loose there teeth and there ability to have sex) causing you to lag off. Now steve case lays back and laughs why thousands of people lag off. Now the Lituanians get a daily report of how many people are looking at porno and how many people lag off and they send this report through telepathic powers to the moms and dads of america. Thats how they know when your looking at porno….

add on

The encounter between the Native Americans and the Europeans brought both good and bad situations. The good was that both cultures learned a lot from one another. The Europeans learned so much that it completely revolutionized its agriculture and economy. When the Natives introduced the Europeans to tobacco it changed the European economy forever. Tobacco along with other crops such as potatoes gave the European market whole new materials to trade with and sell it really helped blossom their economy. When the Natives were introduced to horses it completely changed how they traveled. It made Native more convenient by helping to move things, with the horses they got to places faster and it made hunting easier. Though a lot of good came from the Natives and Europeans meeting it didn’t last. After some time had past everything went downhill. Indians were beginning to be forced off their land, then invaders began destroying tribes and brutally killing and robbing innocent Indians. As the European explorers expanded more and more Indians were enslaved and killed. The whole collision of these two cultures turned from a collaborating friendship to a war for land and power. Many Europeans treated the natives badly but there were those like John Smith were kind to Natives and worked together with them. In the end the Natives were seen as people who were helpful but them became a diminutive problem, which need to be pushed aside or destroyed.

Those Crazy Americans

Buzz blared Elizabeth’s alarm. Elizabeth awoke and opened the blinds. The bright, gold, British sun shined through the window stinging her eyes like a blind man’s first site. She got out of bed and walked over to her computer. As she checked her E-mail she saw a message. It was from the Burns family in New York, New York. They invited her to come as an aupair to America.

 

 

Elizabeth ran to tell her parents the good news. It wasn’t long before the fourteen year old girl worked out all the details. Soon enough she was about to board her plain. Elizabeth felt a nervous feeling in her stomach. She had not yet seen any of the Burns family so you could understand her fear. Little did Elizabeth know that she would just now be exposed to insanity!

 

 

As Elizabeth stepped into the plane she saw an old man sitting across from her row on the right side of the plain. He looked to be in his fifties drinking a glass of orange juice. Elizabeth sat between to old men. One was senile and the other nearly deaf. Elizabeth thought to herself that this was going to be an interesting flight. As she fastened her seatbelt she was exposed to the pure maddness.

 

 

“Hello Young Lady, what is your name,” asked the senile looking old man. “I’m Bert but you can call me honey pie.”

 

 

“I’m Elizabeth.” “And sir what’s your name,” she asked looking at the second old man.”

 

 

“Notre Dame, a heck of a football team.”

 

 

“No!” Exclaimed Elizabeth. “Your name!” “What is your name.”

 

 

“They are certainly not lame!”

 

 

“Your name,” Elizabeth stated very slowly.

 

 

“Oh my name.” “Why didn’t you ask me sooner?” “I’m Jack.”

 

 

“And I’m Barry, Mrs. Beautiful,” said the first man.”

 

 

Barry reaches under his seat and pull out the small cup from a Children’s Tylenol bottle. Then he reaches under again and pulls out a carton of Orange Juice. He sips out of the carton. The stuardest comes and gives the man another carton. She then offers everyone a bag of peanuts. When she first comes to Elizabeth’s row she talks to Jack first.

 

 

“Here are your nuts, sir.”

 

 

“I’m not nuts!” I may not be one of them young fellers, but I’m still hip.”

“Let me tell you a story nut lady.”

 

 

“Where’s my passport to fun?” Interrupted Bert. “You can’t have the ice cream, Jill.” “Let’s dance.” I can’t afford that, refuse a chicken to my wife.”

 

 

“Huh,” Jack stated.

 

 

“Get me another carton of Orange Juice, I’m going for the record.”

 

 

Elizabeth got up and stayed in the bathroom for the next eight hours. She came out when the plane landed. Elizabeth came out of the plain and into New York City. She saw a family. There was an old lady in a wheel chair, a small man standing next to a big woman in overalls and a yellow shirt, a kid who looks about twelve wearing braces head gear, and a small Japanese woman.

 

 

“Welcome to the family,” exclaimed the woman! “This is Grandma Burns.” “This is my husband Chris.” “This little bundle of metallic joy is my son Nicholas.” ” And this is our Japanese aupair Ms. Woo.” “You can call me Momma!”

 

 

Elizabeth took her bags with her and everyone loaded into the Burn’s old Station Wagon. Momma started the engine and drove off. Bang! Boom, roared the engine as hordes of dust blasted out of the tail pipe like a sandstorm.

 

 

Everyone drove down to a local resturant. Ala’s BBQ “The Best Food in Ala New York.” Everyone sat down to eat. After they gave their orders they started up a conversation.

 

 

“Hey there Nicky,” stated Ms. Woo.

 

 

“Don’t call him that,” exclaimed Momma! “Call him one of those nick names again and all loose my mind!”

 

 

“Liz, do they eat fatty foods in Great Britian?” Asked Grandma. “Because your rather husky.” “I never had a very good history with husky people!” “No offense of course.”

 

 

Soon enough the bill come reading fourteen dollars and eighty-six cents. When Grandma saw the bill she gasped and put her hand over her heart. Momma tipped over Grandma’s wheel chair. Then the entire family got in the Station Wagon and drove off.

 

 

To be continued……

Billy Bob

Moo, Pennsylvania, probably the smallest town in America should go down in history. It has a population of twelve people, 436 chickens, 115 pigs, and an old dog that ironically has the name Puppy. The town consists of four houses, a one room school house that has four students, a gas station, and of course a KFC. Now in this town people have the choice of three careers–a gas station attendant, a teacher who teaches every grade, or a farmer.

Now in this town lives a man named Billy Bob. Fat, ugly and stupid, nobody likes Billy Bob. Due to his lack of social skills, Billy Bob has worn the same shirt and jeans for two years. For some odd reason, he smells like shoe polish. He’s very clumsy and almost always doing something wrong. In a town with a population of twelve people it’s easy for people to get on each other’s nerves. People were considering throwing him out of town.

One day while Billy Bob was working in the cornfields, he tripped over a bag and fell in some cow poop. He began to swear and punch at nothing, when he decided to take a look in the bag. In it was one million dollars in hundred dollar bills. Billy Bob immediately decided what he wanted to do with it. First, he wanted to buy a bunch of chicken wings, second, he wanted to buy a boat (this should show you what kind of an idiot he was, seeing as there was no water within 150 miles, and he had no car), and, third, he wanted to buy some gum.

He immediately went to the KFC and ordered 200 buckets of chicken wings. The waitress asked if he could pay for it and he showed her the bag. He began to eat his chicken wings. After he was pleasantly full, he walked outside and tripped over a pig. He hit his head on a nearby truck and broke his neck and died.

The waitress, noticing he had left his bag in the KFC, walked outside after him with the bag of money. The Mafia all of a sudden gunned her down, and they took the money. The Mafia then shot at the gas station to blow the town up. Their plan, however, backfired. Not only did they blow up the town, but themselves as well. The money hasn’t been seen since.

The moral of the story is don’t fire a gun when your right next to a gas station after killing a waitress who has a million dollars in her hand because a man named Billy Bob had stupidly forgotten it in a KFC. If you do this, you will die.

The Janitor’s Great Adventure

The first time I saw the lady, I knew my life was over. But why start the story at the end? Let’s start from the beginning…

It was Saint Patrick’s Day, and everyone was drunk. That’s when I was made. Ain’t it grand? Anyway, I got born. Momma said I’d be a good janitor. Dadda said that I’d make a good towel rack. So I did what I thought I should do for a career. Be a janitor. Momma always liked it when I helped her work at home. She was a homework maker. The type of person that makes homework worksheets for schools and lazy teachers to use when they didn’t want to make their own.

Annnnnyyywayyy….my parents named me when I was old enough to go to college, even though I would never go to college. They named me after their favorite restaurant. Burger King. Burger King was a strong, forceful name, Dadda said. Dadda never married Momma. That meant Dadda could go out and hump the grass whenever he wanted. Dadda and Momma wanted to get married, but unfortunately, they were waiting for me to make income before they could use my money to get married, and give 5 dollars to all the dancers that would come. They were planning a grand marriage. One that would never come, because a freak accident happened to them. An invisible man came over and chopped their heads off, while they were getting stoned.

Poor unfortunate parents…

ANYWAY. I got hired at a school, and was treated with respect, people were so nice to me, saying hi to me then walking away laughing. I’m glad I made them happy. I think it was my smell that did it.

One day, I heard a rumor from one of the loser kids I became friends with, and sometimes buy alcohol for so he can give to other people, that a teacher was all high on heroin, and was raped 56 times up the ass. Of course it was a rumor, it wasn’t true…

Or was it?

I will never forget that day…February 31, 2009. You may say “hey wait a minute, February doesn’t have 31 days!” Well, I say to you “WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!” In the year 2009, the inhabitants of Bahrain got pissed off that February only had 28 days, and 29 days for some years, that they made a proposition at the United Nations to change that. Europe was in an outrage, and so was the Americas. But, China and India got behind Bahrain. The world made war on itself over the issue. Eventually a smart man said, “lets jus thave 31 days in February.” And everyone said, “ok” and stopped fighting. Treaties were signed, movies were made, history book writers were bored, and everyone went back to their boring old jobs.

Besides the fact that only a puppy lost his life from natural causes during the war, it was about time that…um…whatever…

Anyway, that teacher I told you about? 9 months after I heard that rumor, I saw her wobbling down the hallway, all fat and shit, and she shoulda been teaching her damn fangled Social Studies class. That bitch. She was screaming something about her water breaking to me, but I looked at the drinking fountain and it looked fine to me. Then she shook me by the collar screaming, “take me to the hospital, you assholeeeeee!!!”

I never been to a hospital, so I grabbed her, and got into my janitor car thingy, and shoved her in it too, driving down the main road in town, hoping to find the thing she was talking about.

I saw a big blue sign. Momma said that hospitals have big blue signs so I assumed it was the hospital, so I drove through the windows but when I crashed through it, everyone was sitting down at tables…eating pancakes…since when did hospitals have pancakes? But…I was wrong. Dead wrong.

The teacher was pissing all over the place, tossing baby poop, baby pee and babies all around the place,and people got pissed off and threw up, and tossed their pancakes at the waiters. Of course the waiters were getting mad, so the waiters charged the customers more money. We were smack dab in the middle of an IHOP. Don’t blame me, I’m just a janitor…

The End.

The Autobiography of Arby, the Crappy Fast Food Restaurant Owner

Hello, my name is Arby. Yes, I know everyone in the whole world hates my restaurant and its food, and wish that I go away forever, but I won’t. Not yet anyway…I have to tell you my story first!

It all started one day. One day…yes…one day…one day. One day I was visiting my Aunt Arby. Arby is my family’s last name, y’know. Anyway, I was visiting my Aunt Arby, and she made a burger one day. Or so I thought it was a burger…it was actually a piece of crap that consisted of slices of beef that were sliced the same as packaged ham slices. A stack of the beef slices in between 2 pieces of bread. That was the start of the Arby burger. So, I enslaved my aunt to make the Arby Burger 24/7 for the rest of her worthless life. The burgers were cheap to make, and my aunt worked for free.

Soon, I enslaved the rest of my living family. They all worked in the same room. In my bedroom closet. The closet was 45 inches by 2 inches, of course it wasn’t very good, and there was disease, germs, sweat, and such floating around. Well, it wasn’t very good for them, but it was great for me! It cost me 45 cents to make 346 Arby Burgers. And I sold them to unsuspecting neighbors and children for 8 dollars. Soon, I got some advice from a friendly man passing by. He told me that I should make a chain of Arby Burger fast food restaurants and beat the crap outta McDonalds, and Burger King and such. So I did and I personally went over to the CEO’s of McDonalds, Burger King, and such, and beat the crap outta them. It was my first advertising campaign. My first TV coverage for my restaurant was on America’s Most Wanted, where I was nicknamed the Fast Food CEO Crap Beater Outter.

I was sent into prison, when they finally caught me hiding behind a trash can. In prison, I made many friends, and hired some managers. The people I made as managers were Reverse the Molestor, Dust Cloud the Rabid Tick, Mo the Tigress, and Flasher n’ Dasher. They were the “muscle” of Arby. We planned how to make Arby Burgers into an empire, and made business decisions that would be vital to our main cash flow. Once I got out, I put the plans into action, and got enough money to get all of my committee out of jail on bail. We bought ourselves 56 more stores across the city of Mlah, Canada, dressing ourselves in snazzy suits, and over inflated priced watches, earrings, nose rings, and tit rings. We started plans on inventing new types of Arby Burgers, then we came to a surprising conclusion. We needed employees, and since most people would have to be paid, our expansion plans and our advertising for all around the North American continent, were slowed down. My family worked until they died, not being paid a cent. I will never forget my family. Wait…who was I talking about?

Slowly and steadily, our crappy burgers became served in low-rate schools once a week, earning us billions and billions of dollars. Soon enough, we had enough money to buy chairs in the restaurants…!

As time goes on, the legacy of Arby Burger will live on forever.

Or so we thought.

That’s when the last relative of my family came in with a machine gun, gunning down everyone eating at Arby Burger’s main restaurant. He escaped my enslaving of my family, I suppose, so he came to get revenge on me by killing my committee, and putting me in the hospital, where I later died, not from a gunshot wound, but from the diseases passed on through my Arby Burgers. The remaining Arby, is the one that made our logo be a Cowboy hat that said Arby on it, and all was forgotten of Arby’s past…including me…

THE END

Actual (Stupid) Label Instructions

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

– On Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping”. [Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair]

– On a bag of Fritos: “You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside”. [Evidently, the shoplifter special]

– On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” [And that would be how…?]

– On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestions: Defrost.” [But it’s *just* a suggestion]

– On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): “Do not turn upside down”. [Oops, too late!]

– On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating”. [As sure as night follows the day…]

– On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body”. [But wouldn’t this save even more time?]

– On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication”. [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]

– On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness” [One would hope]

– On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only”. [As opposed to what?]

– On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use”. [I gotta admit, I’m curious].

– On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: Contains nuts”. [NEWS FLASH]

– On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.” [Step 3: Fly Delta]

– On a child’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly”. [I don’t blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]

Only in America…

Only in America…

…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

…do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

…do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage

…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight

…do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

…do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

…can a vocalist get rich by singing the blues.

Joke #5326

There is an American and a Russian arguing about what country was better.

The Russian says, “We were the first to launch a satellite into space.”

The American laughed in his face and said, “that’s nothing, we were the first to land on the moon.”

A Canadian blonde, over hearing the conversation, walks up and says, “That’s nothing, we are gonna be the first to land on the sun.”

The American and Russian looked at each other and said “Are you mad?  You’ll die.”

The blonde responds, “Shows how much you know. We’re going at night.”

Van Gogh’s Family Tree

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh

His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin’s American half brother: Grin Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh

The constipated uncle: Can’t Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh

The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh

His Italian uncle: Day Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

Joke #5243: Cat On a Hot Tin Roof

There was once an American man who took a long vacation to Europe, leaving his cat at home with a friend. About a month into the trip, he got a call from his friend telling him that his cat had died.

 

“WHAT?!?!” asked the vacationing man, shocked to hear the news. “I loved that cat! You can’t just call me and tell me that it died! You have to ease me into it. First maybe call and tell me that the cat’s on the roof. Then call again and tell me that the cat fell, but you’re doing everything you can to save it, and then tell me that the cat has died.”

 

The American agreed and the vacationer went on with his trip. About a month later, the vacationing man got another call from the American, saying simply, “Your mother’s on the roof.”

Joke #5214: Gotta Go

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak very badly. After a long search he just couldn’t find anyplace to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to take care of business.

Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police officer said, “Hey you, what are you doing?”

“I gotta go, man,” replied the tourist.

“You can’t go here. Look, follow me,” the policeman offered.

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. “Here,” said the cop, “whiz away.”

The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers. “Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?” asked the tourist.

“No. This is the American Embassy.”