How to Avoid Long Phone Calls by Xavier Breath
Can You Dial Direct? by Fred I. Kant
Is This Phone Call Over? by Midas Wellby
Calling the Barnyard by Tobias A. Pigg
Midnight Phone Calls by Eliza Wake Now
Category Archives: Lists
Lots of funny lists!
Spaced Out TV
Love Rocket – The Captain tricks his passengers into taking space-walks without lifelines. Different cast each week.
Star Ick! – Story of a space doctor who is all thumbs! Not for the squeamish.
Hidden Camera – Secret cameras in the Black Hole photograph darkness. No plot. Restful on the eyes.
Six Dollar Man – CHeap computerized humanoid spends each week wondering when his transistors are going to short out.
M*U*S*H – Medical unit during foolish war on strange planet. Wounded robots keep reassembling themselves. Doctors feel unwanted.
Merv Graffiti – Talk show. Interviews with space creatures and a talking pet rock. Dull. Rock is lousy conversationalist.
Eight Is Too Much – Dad has problems trying to raise eight space creatures while orbiting the Earth in a rocket with only one bathroom.
Mook & Cindy – Female from Earth lands on weird planet and moves in with space creature.
Fantasy Planet – Dull fantasies. Everybody wishes they were back on Earth!
Mary Tyler Less – Hilarious adventures of a career girl on a Space Station. Will the boss give her a raise? Or will she just drift in space? Who cares?
The Zonic Woman – Adventures of a female humanoid whose voice is programmed so loud she causes a zonic boom wherever she goes. People are glad when she leaves. And then–BOOM!
For more listings, read TV Glutton Magazine.
Asteroid Graffiti
Lassie’s Comet
A Star With a Tail
Astronauts
Out to Launch!
Explore the sun!
Go at night!
Skylab fell
Due to lack of support
Planet MacDonald’s Has
Golden Arch
Space Food Causes Empty Feeling
Moon Fell–
Beams gave way
Space Food
In a few light years, you’re hungry again!
Sports Bestsellers
Strike Three – by U.R. Out
Last-Inning Cliffhangers – by D. Bases, R. Loaded
Last-Second Touchdown – by Justin Time
Interception – by E. Bluitt
The Referee Is Always Right – by R.U. Nuts
Sports Medicine – by Frank N. Stein
The Washington Redskins – by T.P. Dweller
Great Basketball Plays – by Jim Shoes
Improve Your Foul Shooting – by Mr. Completely
Basketball Bloopers – by Dub L. Dribble
Calisthenics – by Stan Dupp and Neil Down
Skateboard Hotdogging – by Frank Furter
Ice Hockey for Beginners – by I.M. Freezin
Hockey Plays – by I.C. Tose
Bowling Strikes – by M.T. Lane
Boxing Knockouts – by Seymour Stars
Fifteen Things A Brother Or Sister Will Never Say To You
1. “Can I help you clean your room?”
2. “You decide what movie we go to. You have much better taste!”
3. “I don’t like hanging around with your friends. They’re much too sophisticated for me.”
4. “Can I finish your lima beans?”
5. “Here’s your sweater back. I had it cleaned before I returned it.”
6. “You don’t have to entertain me while Mom and Dad are out. I’ll go up to my room and read a book by myself.”
7. “You take the biggest piece of pie. I’m too full!”
8. “I’ll be happy to lend you ten dollars. Pay it back whenever you can.”
9. “Can I do your math homework for you tonight? I don’t have much to do.”
10. “It wasn’t your fault. It was all my fault.”
11. “I saw you were on the phone, so I decided to be silent.”
12. “Why don’t you wear my new Springsteen sweatshirt? It looks better on you!”
13. “Betcha I can wash and dry the supper dishes all by myself!”
14. “You sit in the front seat.”
15. “I started the fight. You didn’t!”
It’s Great to Have Brothers and Sisters Because…
There’s always someone around to blame for starting all the fights!
You’re not the only one who won’t eat the cauliflower!
When you catch a cold or the flu, there’s someone to share it with!
There are more birthdays to celebrate, and more presents that your brothers and sisters will be delighted to share with you!
There’s always someone around who can keep a secret from your mother – at least until she gets home from the store!
Your room is not the only one in the house that looks as if it was in the path of a hurricane!
There’s always someone dying to tell you the end of the movie you’re about to see so you don’t have to waste your time being surprised!
There’s always someone around to help you develop a sense of humor about yourself by teasing you all the time.
There’s always someone else in the house who votes for watching The Monkees instead of the six-o’clock news, so your dad is outvoted again!
There’s someone else who will break your best toys so you don’t have to feel bad that you did it yourself!
There are always interesting phone conversations to pretend you’re not listening to!
There’s someone to gobble up all the cookies and candy in the house before you can get to them or you don’t have to worry about your teeth rotting!
When Mom and Dad are yelling, it isn’t always about YOU!
You’re not the only one who won’t eat liver!
There’s always someone around to fight with so you don’t have to fight with your friends!
Brothers and Sisters Are…
The ones you’re always tripping over when you’re trying to do your homework, and the ones who can’t be found anywhere when you feel like a game of catch!
The ones who think it’s hilarious to pick up the phone extension and hiccup while you’re talking to a friend!
The ones who borrow your best white sweater, and when they return it, it’s your best black sweater!
The ones who can’t explain how peanut butter got in your hairbrush!
The ones who can’t explain how your hairbrush got into their room.
The ones who keep their rooms clean and as neat as a pin because they spend all their time in yours!
The ones who think it’s fun to tease you all day long about your new haircut. Then when you tease them back, they cry!
The ones you have to find a bathroom for when there isn’t a bathroom within twenty miles!
The ones who somehow can’t find anything else to do but sit next to you when your friends come over!
The ones who have no idea how all those grasshoppers got under your pillow!
The ones who, whenever your friends come over, think it’s a riot to call you by your totally embarrassing middle name.
The ones who eat the last slice of chocolate cake when you’ve had your eye on it for hours!
The ones who save their allowance until it adds up to a fortune, while you’ve spent every penny you ever had!
The ones who magically become invisible when someone has to walk the dog on a rainy day.
The ones who don’t get caught making silly faces at the dinner table.
The ones who always know how to make you laugh when you’re drinking so that you get a quart of milk up your nose!
The ones who want to watch reruns of Gilligan’s Island when you want to watch the baseball play-offs.
You Know You’re At the Wrong Party When…
1. …you’re the first to leave. And it’s your party.
2. …all the refreshments are pink and red to match the valentine theme.
3. …they show a movie in the middle of the party, and the star is a big purple dinosaur.
4. …the invitation says “dance party,” and everyone is dressed in pink leotards and ballet slippers.
5. …after waiting all night for the really cute guy or girl to ask you to dance, you have to say “NO!” because you have to get home before curfew.
6. …you’re forced to play musical chairs all night, even at the dinner table.
When The Best Is Still Not Good Enough For Your Valentine – Send These:
1. I’m crazy for you…but I’m also crazy about the werewolf!
2. You’re good looking in a way…far, far away!
3. You have a face like a saint…a Saint Bernard!
4. You’re the kind you have to look at twice…the first time you just don’t believe it!
Top 10 Cannibal Excuses for Eating Bodies
10. They don’t know the number for the corner pizza take-out.
9. All the good salad bars are closed at night.
8. Bodies don’t have expiration dates.
7. The cannibals are convinced bodies taste like chicken.
6. They watched Alive! too many times.
5. Eating bodies is their solution to the lack of burial plot space.
4. They believe bodies work better than Metamucil.
3. They decided they need more protein in their diet.
2. Bodies are high in fiber and contain no preservatives.
1. They get carried away by the idea that "You are what you eat."
Gross-Out Top 5 Lists
Always…
1) Look both ways before crossing the street. (Road kill should always be small animals.)
2) Eat your cereal before it gets soggy. (Gag me with the spoon.)
3) Drink your milk before it gets hot. (Barf, anyone?)
4) Clean those crusty things out of your eyes before you try to walk around in the morning.
5) Give your teacher an apple; just check for worm holes and rotten parts.
–
Never…
1) Eat greasy food before going on a roller coaster. (Sometimes what goes down does come up.)
2) Pick your nose and park it on the bedpost. (Who wants to see that later?)
3) Have Doritos before going on anything resembling a date. (Breath with a bad attitude.)
4) Drink anything anybody hands you. (Lugey alert!)
5) Wet the bed if you’re on the top bunk.
Time is Relative
It all depends on how you spend it. When you’re having a bad time, a minute seems more like an hour. And when you’re having a good time, an hour seems more like a minute.
The ten years between 8 and 18 seem to pass more slowly than a snail, but the ten years between 25 and 35 zip past like a hare with a hot foot.
Driving your mother two blocks to the store seems to take forever, but driving your girlfriend 20 miles back to her house after a date doesn’t take long enough.
The 24 hours of a work day drag second by second, but the 24 hours of a Saturday are gone in the time it takes to wind your watch.
The half-hour you spend studying seems more like two hours, but the two hours you spend parked in front of the TV set seem more like a half-hour.
A two-hour date with an ugly girl is too long, but a four-hour date with a pretty girl is too short.
And How’s Business?
“My business is looking better,” said the optometrist.
“My business is down in the dumps,” said the garbage man.
“Mine is rolling in dough,” said the baker.
“Mine is slow,” said the turtle salesman.
“My business is for the birds,” said the pet store owner.
“My business has sunk to a new low,” said the deep-sea diver.
“My business is turning sour,” said the pickle salesman.
“Mine is going up,” said the elevator operator.
“My business is sick,” said the doctor.
Silly Signs
– Sign in King Arthur’s court: Sign up now for knight school.
– Sign in speech class: No silence allowed.
– Sign in a cafeteria in Holland: Mothers, please wash your Hans before eating.
– Sign in the headquarters of the 7th Cavalry: Custer blew the Little Big Horn
– Sign in a flight school: No crash courses given here.
– Sign in the office of a hippie dermatologist: Give me some skin, man!
– Sign in a sign-language class: Please talk with your hands.
– Sign in a theater: Shakespeare married an Avon lady.
– Sign in medical school: Orthopedists get all the breaks.
– Sign in a doctor’s office: If you’re not completely satisfied with our cure, your disease cheerfully refunded.
– Sign in a crook’s hideout: Warning! The police are armed and dangerous.
– Sign near a frozen lake along a historical route: George Washington slipped here.
– Sign in a doctor’s office: An apple a day is bad for business.
– Sign in a realtor’s office: Give me land, lots of land, and I’ll build condominiums and make a fortune.
– Sign in a beauty salon: W work so hard that we’ll even dye for you!
– Sign in a sleazy cafeteria: Our silverware is not medicine – don’t take it after eating!
– Sign in a garden: Beware of vegetarians!
– Sign next to a deep-fryer in a kitchen: We melt the fat away.
– Sign in a dentist’s office: Good oral hygiene is bad for business.
– Sign in a cannibal’s hut: I never met a man I didn’t like.
– Sign in a cafeteria: Shoes required to eat in the cafeteria.
Penciled-in afterthought: Socks can eat wherever they want to.
– Sign in a gymnasium: We tell you everything you always wanted to know about strength, but were too weak to ask.
– Sign in an I.R.S. office: In God we trust. Everyone else we audit.
– Sign in a beach house: Bully permit required to kick sand in the faces of 98 lb. weaklings.
– Sign in a generating plant: We have the power to make you see the light.
– Sign on a jeweler’s shop: If your watch doesn’t tick, tock to us.
– Sign in a funeral home: Pay or don’t die.
– Sign in front of an oceanography class: Open only to students who can keep above C-level.
– Sign in a Vassar math class: Girls, watch your figures.
– Sign in an Italian class: Speak Italian, but don’t talk with your hands.
– Sign in a new math class: In here, we follow the liter.
– Sign in an old-age home: We’re not deaf. We just heard everything worth hearing already.
– Sign in a post office: Postal workers are sissies. They can’t even lick stamps.
– Sign on the door of a fencing school: Back in one hour — out to lunge.
– Sign on the screen (during intermission of a killer bee movie): Don’t leave. This is only the calm before the swarm.
– Sign in a tailor’s shop: I am a man of the cloth.
– Sign in a witches’ coven: We came. We saw. We conjured.
– Sign in a chicken coop: Caution. Fowl language spoken here.
– Sign in a Pawnbroker’s shop: See us at your earliest inconvenience.
– Sign in the window of a store: Our Going Out of Business sale was such a success, we’re having another one next month.
– Sign in a prison biology class: Study your cells.
– Sign on a pet store for a litter of dachshund pups: Get a long little doggie.
– Sign on a pet store for an opossum: A peticularly good possumbility.
– Sign on a pet store for an Angora rabbit: A rare bit of company.
– Sign on a pet store for Siamese kittens: Take both — they’re attached to each other.
– Safety Sign in a Karate cooking class: Wok, do not run.
– Sign for “The King of the Jungle Moving Company”: We Don’t Take Your Move Lion Down
– Sign in a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for me with 16 and 17 necks.
– Sign in the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
– Sign in a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
– Sign on a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
– On a safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket: If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member.
– Sign in a shop in Maine: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
– Sign on a delicatessen wall: Our best is none too good.
– Sign in a cocktail lounge in Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
– Sign in a city restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
– Sign in a Japanese hotel: “You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”
– Sign in the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
– From a menu from Poland: Salad a firm’s own make; Limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; Roasted duck let loose; Beef rashers beaten in the country people’s fashion.
– Sign in a Hong Kong Supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
– From the “Soviet Weekly:” There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
– Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to Moscow, you are welcome to it.
– Sign in a laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Top 10 Carelessly Chosen Domain Names
1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com