Alfred Hitch-cocker Spaniel
Mary Tyler Moo-er
Alfred Hitch-cocker Spaniel
Mary Tyler Moo-er
Pup Goes the Weasel
My Old Kenneltucky Home
The Alley Cat
What’s New, Pussycat?
Chow Much Do I Love You?
Sergeant Purr-per’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
Pet Your Arms Around Me
I Saw You Last Night And Got That Old Feline
How can you tell if you’re one of life’s losers? …You don’t have any luck at all if:
– When you put a coin in the soda machine, you get your soda before the cup drops into place.
– You find a ten-dollar bill and get arrested when you try to spend it because it’s counterfeit.
– You get your big break and make the football team only to trip over the bench and break your leg.
– You start to go bald at the same time you reach puberty.
– The guarantee on your used car expires two hours before the car’s engine does.
America just made it through another snowy winter. Last year record lows were established. It was cold, but it could get worse.
You know it’s freezing outside when…
– your water bed turns into an ice cap.
– your false teeth chatter and they’re not even in your mouth.
– you run outside sobbing and your tears freeze.
– conservationists find “Big Foot” frozen to death.
– city workers can’t get the snow plows started.
As every minute passes, we all grow older. But people say that you’re only as old as you feel. So what is the real difference between young and old? It’s not the years. It’s how you look at life:
– When he’s young, a man can’t wait to grow a beard… but when he gets old, the same man just hates to shave every day.
– When she’s young, a girl loves to fix meals… but when she becomes an old married lady, the thing she hates the most is fixing breakfast, lunch, and dinner for her family every day.
– When he’s young, a man enjoys watching girls… but when he gets old, the same man prefers watching the market.
– When she’s young, a girl loves to make herself look older by putting a gray streak in her hair… but when she gets old and finds a real gray streak in her hair, she cries her eyes out.
Being a little overweight is okay. But you know you’re really getting fat when…
– your son plays cowboys and asks if he can use your belt as a lasso.
– your refrigerator handle wears out from overuse
– the shocks in your car wear out twice as fast as other people’s shocks.
– you sit on a metal bar stool and it becomes a metal foot stool when you get up.
– you stand in a room all alone and feel crowded.
– you have to walk through doors sideways.
– you stand on a curb and your stomach blocks traffic.
– you have to use a mirror in order to see your shoes.
– you drop money and don’t bother to bend over and pick it up unless it’s more than a quarter.
– you go for a stroll and the sidewalk creaks.
These days they have schools for everything:
– I went to card shark school, but failed out because I didn’t cheat on the tests.
– I went to oven repair school and it was a gas.
– I dropped out of butcher school because I couldn’t hack it.
– I graduated from astronomy school and came out starry-eyed.
You know you’re living in the past if:
…You think children are to be seen and not heard.
…Detroit stopped making parts for your car ten years ago.
…The last time you went to the movies, they were still censoring people who kissed each other on the mouth.
…You think the most suggestive dance you ever saw is the Twist.
…You think the family car belongs to the parents.
…You think a picket line is a fence.
If you’re a fellow who goes out on a lot of blind dates, you’ve got to beware of real duds. Your blind date is a dud if:
– She’s the kind of girl who uses too much perfume and not enough deodorant.
– She yells downstairs that she’ll be ready as soon as she finds her wig and false teeth.
– She sticks her bublegum behind her ear to kiss you hello.
– You have to stand on a chair to kiss her hello.
If you’re a girl who goes out on blind dates, you’ve got to beware of losers. Girls, your blind date is a loser if:
– He has more hair on his face than he does on his head.
– He picks the lock of your front door instead of knocking.
– He shows up driving a hearse.
– He asks you if you’d like something to drink and takes you to the water fountain in the park.
– He takes you to a fancy restaurant wearing a tee shirt with another girl’s picture printed on it.
– When he meets your parents, he picks a fight with them.
We all have different talents and do different things in different ways. But here are something NO normal person can do.
– No normal person can eat raw carrots quietly.
– No normal person can give directions without using his hands.
– No normal person can walk past a mirror without glancing in it.
– No normal person can watch another person yawn three times without yawning himself.
You Know Your Marriage Is on the Rocks If…
– You say to your mate, “I love you,” and you get a reply of, “So do I.”
– You don’t bother to wear your wedding band because it turns your finger green.
– Your husband celebrates your anniversary by going out with the boys.
– You’d rather play bridge with the girls than spend a quiet night at home with your husband.
– You go to the drive-in with your mate and spend two hours just watching the movie.
There are many reasons why people have plastic surgery and we offer some of them here:
– You meet “Big Foot” in the woods and he faints when he sees you.
– You’re not allowed in the zoo because you scare the animals.
– An organ grinder offers you a job as his monkey.
– Your teacher makes you sit facing the back of the room.
– A cop gives you a ticket for being criminally ugly.
What is confidence, you want to know? Well…confidence is:
– Going to the race track for the first time in your life and betting every penny you have on a 50 to 1 shot.
– Walking through Central Park at night and carrying your life savings in your wallet.
– Spending all your savings on a huge luxury car because you’re the gas shortage won’t last.
– Telling a mugger armed with a gun that you won’t give him your money and he can’t make you.
– Mailing the only copy of a book it took you five years to write to a publisher without putting a return address on the envelope.
– Having an argument with the Heavyweight Boxing Champion of the World and daring him to lay a hand on you.
To call up a scuba diver, just dial…1-800-H20
To call up a star baseball player, just dial…1-800-RBI
9:00 – Saved by the Phone Bell
10:00 – Sesa-it’s-for-me! Street
11:00 – Movie of the Week: The Call-Waiting of the Wild
12:00 – Movie of the Month: He’s Not Home Alone Right Now, II
1:00 – Cartoon: Chip ‘n Dial Rescue Rangers
2:00 – Life-dials of the Rich and Famous
3:00 – Lambchop’s Play-a-long Distance
4:00 – Read-ding-a-ling-a-ling Rainbow
5:00 – Rom-per-son-to-person Room
6:00 – Nightly Busy-ness Report
7:00 – Fresh Prince of Bell-Air
8:00 – Phe-wrong-nom-ber
9:00 – Saturday Night Live Wire
10:00 – Hangin’ Up on Mr. Cooper