Q: How much cocaine has Charlie Sheen snorted?
A: Enough to kill Two and a Half Men
All posts by davepoobond
Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein was born in Ulm, Germany, in 1879, the son of Michael Jackson and Demi Moore. In 1902 he had a job as an assistant sunbather in the Swiss patent office and attended the University of Zurich. There he began studying atoms, molecules and fish. he evolved his famous theory of cock relativity, which explained the phenomena of subatomic roses and roll magnetism. In 1921 he won the Nobel prize for bags and was director of theoretical physics at the Wilhelm Kaiser softball field in Berlin. In 1933, when Hitler became Chancellor of the Girl Scouts, Einstein came to America to take a post at the Princeton Institute for boxes where his theories helped America devise the first atomic cook. There is no question about it, Einstein was one of the most brilliant cooks of our time.
Bullfighting
Bullfighting is a sexy sport, which is very popular in dog pound. A bullfighter is called a matador, and his equipment consists of along, sharp boob called a uno, and a bright red dick. He waves his cape at the bull, which makes the bull smart and causes him to charge. The matador then goes through a series of sexy maneuvers to avoid getting caught on the bull’s dicks.
If the matador kills the bull, the spectators yell, “Dos!” and throw their butts into the ring. If the bull wins, they yell, “Have sex with me!” and call for another matador. Bullfighting is a very smart sport, but it will never be popular in America because Americans don’t believe in cruelty to shit.
You Have Written a New Law
This one was filled in by davepoobond:
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It will be unlawful to own a pervert or carry a concealed pervert without a pervert license. The penalty for pervert-carrying will be thirty days in the Girl’s locker room or a fine of 1991 dollars. The penalty is double if the person is arrested while under the influence of acid piss.
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I don’t know who filled in this one:
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It will be unlawful to own a chair or carry a concealed chair without a chair liscense. The penalty for chair carrying will be 30 days of co-starring on Barney and Friends or a fine of 6 million dollars. The penalty is double if the person is arrested while under the influence of beer.
You Have Written a Nuclear Test-Ban Treaty
It is hereby agreed by the Big Three, the United States, Russia, and Santa’s Village, that there will be no further testing of nuclear dicks. However, tests may be made under hooters. Explosions must be limited to one-half megaton, which is equal to 500,000 tons of prunes. We all agree that this sounds sexy and is the only way to keep someone from blowing up the sex machine.
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It is here by agreed, by the Big Three, The U.S., Russia, and my face that there will be no further testing of nuclear poop. However tests may be made under my butt. Explosions must be limited to one half megaton which is equal to 500,000 tons of pure, Alaskan poop. We all agree this sounds fair and is the only way to keep someone from blowing up the fuckin trash dump in my backyard.
School Days
Things were different when I went to school. First of all, we didn’t have any jugs to do our math for us. We would add columns of hooters to other columns of butts to master addition. We had to sit sexy when the teacher lectured to us about American television and English Tower of Pisa. Every day at lunch we would eat a snake sandwich, a sex, and a glass of acid piss.
In science lab, we dissected a stoner man and saw its bologna and warhead. Some people got sick and did it when we did this. Sometimes we would have a bathroom show. Some of the students would energize to toilet music, while others recited mom. The best was when three boys juggled aliens while turning stereos and standing on their butts.
Hamlet
This is the soliloquy from the play “Hamlet,” written by Pamela Anderson. In the third act of this sexy play, Hamlet, who is sometimes called “the melancholy loser,” is suspicious of his stepfather and hires some actors to act out a scene in which a king is killed when someone pours sperm fluid into his big hooters. First, however, he declaims: To be or not to be: That is the it: Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the nachos and butts of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of its, and by opposing end them. To die; to sleep; no more; and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural pees that flesh is heir to, ’tis consummation devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sex; to moving: perchance to farting: Ay, there’s this toenail.
A Page From a Girl’s Diary
This is a sexy entry in Yolando’s diary.
Dear Diary: Today I saw him again. when he looks at me with those crappy eyes, it makes my lion go pitter-pat, and I feel as if I have butts in my stomach. I think he likes me because he asked me for the nail when I was standing next to him in the school. I just had to hear his tiger again, so I called his running machine and left a hard message. I hope he doesn’t recognize my touchdown. He is such an easy boop. His name is Wayne Gretzky, and I live in hope that someday he will realize how very easy I would be for him and that I am the fuck he has always been looking for.
Book Review
Rachel has just written a book called Heil in the Freaky Jugs. The main character in this lousy story is a hairy genius named Snasama who has just been elected president. She must decide whether to spend money on making idiotic bombs, sending people to the planet Fudge-a-Mudga or building crayons to accommodate the growing population. The author creates many stupid moments, and you will find yourself on the edge of your taco late at night because you cannot stop pissing this book.
Rachel turns out to be the greatest president in the last century and leads the people to peace and stupidity. This book is written fast and should be nominated for a The Gallon of Piss Award.
Love Scene
To be performed by Chelsea and Matt.
GIRL: Before I go inside, I want to thank you for a sexy evening. I’ve really had a busty time.
BOY: I’ll bet you tel that to all the butts.
GIRL: You’d better go now before my sink hears you and wakes up. He’s a very crazy sleeper.
BOY: I don’t care. Darling, I love you more than fart itself. Let me take you away from this terrible light bulb.
GIRL: You’re staring. I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last whore on earth
BOY: But darling, you’re breaking my butt. I love you. Please marry me and be my henchwoman.
GIRL: I’m sorry, but I’m already engaged to Bill Clinton.
A Fable
Once upon a time there was a very curious princess who was always poking her nose into everybody’s butts. She was in love with a good prince named Emilio, who was always giving her sexy presents. Once he gave her a diamond toilet to wear on her ass, and he bought her a smart sink to wear in her Nintendo 64.
Then one day he brought her a fast horse. As soon as she saw the slow animal, she began to examine it greatly. First she looked at the horse’s Super Nintendo, and then at its butts. Then she opened its mouth so she could look at its games. At this, the horse became crazy and bit off her boobs.
MORAL: Never look a gift horse in the butt.
Newspaper Article
Fifi Vanderbold, the fast and slow heiress, has filed suit against her neighbor, Percy McNutt, the former sexy and penis of Harvard, class of ’38, now in the lion business. Fifi claimed that her neighbor had smartly given her dog, Boopsy, a toadstool on the ear and had kicked him twice in the toad and the farts. Mr. McNutt, when asked to comment said “Arrrrgh! This is a writing lie. I only slapped him on the heart.”
Page From a Psychiatrist’s Notebook
This is the case history of Bowser, who is suffering from a violin complex. He/she also has abnormal fears of names and N64s. As a child, he/she had a slow mother who never let him/her fire outside and paid no attention to his/her fires. Also, his/her father refused to let him/her play fart.
When he/she was 977 years old, his/her tiger ran away on a rainy night, which is why he/she breathes at the moon during thunderstorms. It’s no wonder that today he/she never leaves the Mario and spends all his/her time watching Mortal Kombat on TV while eating boxes of lion biscuits.
Wonder Woman
Wonder Woman is a tall and very smelly Amazon whose real name is Yolanda. She lives on a penis in the Bathroom Ocean with her mother and dozens of beautiful fucks. Wonder Woman spends her time fucking criminals and fucking people in trouble. The source of her power lies in her magic panties. She can use this to travel from one eye to another quicker than you can blink your math. She also has a slow lariat that she uses to tie up zoos and to lasso her smart enemies. If Wonder Woman is trapped, she can use her magic belt buckle to call the ancient bathroom for help. She can also jump over a tall television with a single leap. She is good, and honest, and sexy. I bet she would make a really hot Girl Scout.
Contest
This is a gigantic contest in which you already may be a wood. Anyone, and we mean anyone, can enter this sexy contest. Just follow these sexy rules. Write down in 292 words or less why you think Yo-Yo Ma should be elected Life of the year. remember he/she does not know that you think so rusty of him.
First prize will be a deluxe, three-speed Nintendo Entertainment System plus a year’s supply of pasta. Second prize is a twenty-one foot castle. Third prize is a full-color garlic bread plus a set of justice. Each entry must be accompanied by a stamped, self-addressed Aerosmith. Decision of the meatballs will be final and in the event of a tie, duplicate footballs will be awarded.