Joke #18679

Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon.

I was under the lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, “Man, I look like a clown.”

I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me.

He asked, “Are you giving out balloons?”

 

Joke #18546

He was a young Pastor, and as usual, he was running late getting into town…. and he was speeding.

Then to top it off, he looked in the review mirror only to see the lights of the Highway Patrol! Already late for church and figuring he’d try for leniency, he quickly slapped his Bible on the dash of his car as the trooper walked up to the window and asked to see his drivers license.

Looking at his name and title on the license, the trooper asked, “You’re a Reverend huh?” The young Pastor affirmed that.

The trooper then began writing out a speeding ticket and said, “Well, Reverend; your speedometer runneth over.”

As the trooper handed him the ticket and started to walk away, his last comment was, “Oh, by the way…. the Bible on the dash…. nice touch.”

 

You Know You’re Getting Fat When…

Being a little overweight is okay.  But you know you’re really getting fat when…

– your son plays cowboys and asks if he can use your belt as a lasso.

– your refrigerator handle wears out from overuse

– the shocks in your car wear out twice as fast as other people’s shocks.

– you sit on a metal bar stool and it becomes a metal foot stool when you get up.

– you stand in a room all alone and feel crowded.

– you have to walk through doors sideways.

– you stand on a curb and your stomach blocks traffic.

– you have to use a mirror in order to see your shoes.

– you drop money and don’t bother to bend over and pick it up unless it’s more than a quarter.

– you go for a stroll and the sidewalk creaks.

 

No Normal Person Can…

We all have different talents and do different things in different ways.  But here are something NO normal person can do.

– No normal person can eat raw carrots quietly.

– No normal person can give directions without using his hands.

– No normal person can walk past a mirror without glancing in it.

– No normal person can watch another person yawn three times without yawning himself.

 

Stuck In the Past

This was written for class, and was supposed to mirror a main point from one of the parables of the horrible book, The Joy Luck Club.

————————————–

It was yesterday, when Alan was told that his parents were going to get a divorce. He didn’t understand what that meant at first, but his mom simply said to him, “You’ll never see your dad again.” Alan became confused, and wondered what he had done to make his dad not want to see him. Because he was so young, at the age of 8, he had no way to express his sadness to anyone except to cry himself to sleep.

Less than a week after his mother told him about the divorce, Alan and his mom moved across the country. As if his parent’s separation wasn’t hard enough, he had to cope with completely new surroundings. All that Alan wanted was to be alone, and to accept that his life would never be the same again. He thought constantly about how everything had changed: where his new home was, the friends he would never see again, and so much more. Soon enough, he began to blame all his sadness and anger on his father.

Alan was viewed by the other children at school as an outsider. He never talked to anyone, participated in class, or even did anything but drown in his misery during recess. His mind often wandered during class, thinking time and time again about the drastic changes in his life. He didn’t feel comfortable being anywhere, except in his own dream world, where his life was perfect again, before all the changes.

The image of his father, had warped into something evil. His father had become the devil he cursed everyday before bed. As the days turned into months, and the months into years, he came to the conclusion that he never really knew his father. This man who came home everyday late at night, and never spent any time with Alan, except a few hours, if that much, on the weekends. Alan often asked himself “Who was this man?” Alan didn’t even remember what his father liked to do in his spare time, or even if he liked to eat any of the foods Alan liked to eat. It was his mother who was the victim, and the man he didn’t even know was the person responsible for murdering who Alan would have been some day. He could have been a successful businessman, but instead he was a drunkard, at the age of 16. He often drank until he was sick. The funny thing about it was that there wasn’t any peer pressure involved. Alan never had any friends, and was consumed by his hatred and sadness, even after all the years that had passed.

Alan had distorted all the details of what the first 8 years of his life had actually been like. All the memories of playing catch with his father were gone. They were replaced with illusions of his father beating Alan with the baseball bat that was used for batting the balls. He also replaced all the memories of his father teaching Alan how to swim with his father trying to drown him in the bathtub. His father became the worst man ever to live in this world.

Alan never talked about any of these horrible thoughts with his mother. Alan’s twisted attitude towards life went mostly disregarded by his mother, because she thought he was just “going through a phase.” Not until Alan’s mother actually caught him with an empty bottle of vodka, did she have an epiphany that her son truly had serious problems. It was after this event that Alan’s mother confessed to him that it wasn’t true that his father did not want to see him all those years, but rather that she had not allowed his father to see Alan. It didn’t matter at that point though; the mental damage had already been done.

 

19 Things To Do In The Bathroom

Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate-

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,”May I borrow a highlighter?”

2. Say “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise

4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”

5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh sh**!! My glass eye!!”

6. Say “D***, this water is cold.”

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”

9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,”Whoa Easy boy !!”

11. Say,” Interesting….more sinkers than floaters”

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!!

14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot”

15. Say, “D***, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your “Cross-Dressors Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”

 

Joke #5325

Two blondes are walking down the street, when they see a compact lying on the sidewalk.

They decide to see if they can find who it belongs to, so the first blonde picks it up, opens it, and says, “Hey, this person does look kinda familiar!”

The second blonde takes it from her and yells, “You idiot, that’s me!”

 

Joke #5253: The Lady and The Bank President

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s alot of money!”

 

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?

 

“The old lady replied, “I make bets.”

 

The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?

 

“The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

 

“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!”

 

The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”

 

“Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”

 

The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10 am as a witness?”

 

“Sure!” replied the confident president.

 

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

 

The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the betagain and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10 am today I’d have The Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand.”