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Stories, Fairy Tales

The Rabbit Who Pooped On Everyone

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This is kinda weird. We got 2 different versions of this same story from 2 different people. We don’t know who the first person was.

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1st version:

One Day A Rabbit named FLUFFY was sitting in his round terdy dirhea palace ande the toilet was made of realy talking terds somtimes they hugged him and said”i wove you”so anyway fluffys owner was coming home and took him out and held him above her head and he pooped on her face with a SPLAT she said “bitching rabbit”!!!she ran inside to take a shower when she came back out she held him and spanked me after that he shot out a marbly little terd into her mouth and she GULPED IT and he pee’d the second after that and hit her in the nose and she said “IM KILLING YOU”!!but before she could his terdy toilet freinds came and they punched her THWOCK THWOCK and SPLAT SPLITTY SPLAT!!his little toilet freinds said “o gosh i wove u”and little old fluffy/he ate them and chewed with a gooshy sound of munch’in terds and they screamed “Basterd EE OUSE rabbit”!?!and fluffys freind FROSTY came over and greated Fluffy and Fluffy Greated Frosty and Frosty And Fluffy built an invention called the Poop-Mini-Gunner and sceintific name –POOPIOSE LE’TERD ODDER LORD OF STINKY POO MICK COLEMN HAIRY FAT MAN TERD–so they aimed it toward there town called Toilet city poo eee (they lived in the poopyis town of the underground Retard toilets for fat men and fat assed woman and always getting new poopy , slimy visitors each second and each time we great them as they slide down the slippery slide of pooey)AND SHOT THE CITY AND EVERYONE GREW INTO THE BROWNIST BROWNEY TERDS IN THE WORLD!! ALSO ONE REMINDER the biggest TeRd in the town is stanly who came from a 560Pound SUmo wrestler THE END))))”””””

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2nd version:

One Day Fluffys owner was coming home and she took him out and said “hi”i pooped on her face and she yelled at me and said”YOU rabbIT YOU”she went to take a shower and came back and said”IM SPANKING YOU FLUFFY”before she could i pooped a little marbly terd and it went in her mouth and she gulped it and she was so frusterated she pulled down her pants and farted on me and after that i peed on here face then she ran inside to take another shower and i made an invention while she was in the shower i called it the poop shooter i aimed ot at her shower window and SPLAT then THWOCK i broke the glass and it hit her in the nose and splatted a huge mushy dirhea splatter all on here nose she inhaled it and puked at the marbly terd i escaped by opening the lach and brought my poop shooter and made 90 terds combinded and shot it at the city THWOCK the city blew up with a dirheaish fireworks and everyone thought they saw Hamtaro (from the CarttonNetwork at 8:30AM and the 4:00PM show)shoot it and everyone in the city got out spears and arrows (BY THE WAY HAMTARO IS A HAMSTER)and Hamtaro said “crum crumb crum” and EVERYONE stabbed him and HAMTAROS eyes popped out and plopped on the floor with a splitty splat splitty noise and his balls fell off and everyone ate dirhea to surrvive but saddly little fluffy had to much fluffyness and killed everyone who looked at his fizzzy,fuzzy,fluffy,soothing,touching,scottish,dirheashish furr so everyone DIED IN A DIRHEAISH DEATH

THE EMD KIDS AND ADULTS

Lists

100 Reasons Why It’s Great to Be a Guy

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1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3. You know stuff about tanks.

4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5. Monday Night Football.

6. You don’t have to monitor your friends sex lives.

7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

8. You can open all your own jars.

9. Old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.

10. Dry cleaners and haircutter’s don’t rob you blind.

11. When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.

12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

13. All your orgasms are real.

14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.

16. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

17. You understand why Stripes is funny.

18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.

19. Your last name stays put.

20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

21. When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

22. You can kill your own food.

23. The garage is all yours.

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

27. You never have to clean the toilet.

28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship

34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

35. You don’t have to shave below your neck.

36. You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

37. If you’re 34 and single nobody notices.

38. You can write your name in the snow.

39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

40. Everything on your face stays its original color.

41. Chocolate is just another snack.

42. You can be president.

43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

44. Flowers fix everything.

45. You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.

46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

51. Foreplay is optional.

52. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.

53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.

54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

55. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.

56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

58. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.

59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking “He must be mad at me.”

60. The world is your urinal.

61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.

63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

64. One mood, all the time.

65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too skeevy.

67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.

69. Same work….more pay.

70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

71. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

73. You don’t care if someone is talking about you behind your back.

74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth’s population in 15 tries, in theory.

75. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.

76. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.

77. The remote is yours and yours alone.

78. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.

79. SportsCenter.

80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.

82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

84. You needn’t pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.

85. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed.

86. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.

87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “Fuck it!”

88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

89. Princess Di’s death was almost just another obituary.

90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.

92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

93. If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

94. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

96. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.

97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So… notice anything different?”

99. Baywatch.

100. There is always a game on somewhere.

Jokes, (C) Blonde Jokes

Joke #5319

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A blonde goes to a hairdresser to get a hair cut. She sits down in the chair with her walkman on and the earphones in her ears.

The hairdresser says “I’m sorry, Miss, but I’ll have to take out those earphones so I can cut your hair.”  The blonde replies “you can’t, I need them to live.”

The hairdresser starts cutting her hair with her earphones still on.  Then the hairdresser says again “Im sorry, Miss but I really need to take out those earphones so I can cut your hair.”

She gets the same answer and continues cutting. for the last and final time she asks “Miss, I really need to take out those earphones to cut your hair” “no,” says the blonde “I need it to live” ignoring her answer the hairdresser yanks teh earphones out and the blonde falls dead.

“Weird,” thinks the hairdresser. she puts the earphones in her ears and plays the cd that plays “breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out”

Jokes, (C) Blonde Jokes

Joke #5301

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A blonde walks into an appliance store, looks around, points and tells the shopkeeper, “Sir, I’d like the TV on the 3rd shelf.”

The shopkeeper looks at her, and says , “I’m sorry ma’am, we don’t serve blondes. Please leave.”

The blonde was very angry, so she went home, dyed her hair brown , and returned the next day. She asked the shopkeeper, “How much is the tv on the 3rd shelf?”

The shopkeeper looked at her, sighed, and said, “Look ma’am, we don’t serve blondes! Please leave.”

By this time, the girl was infuriated. So she went home, shaved her head, and came back the next day. She asked the shopkeeper about the TV, and he told her, “Ma’am. I’ve told you. We don’t serve blondes, so you’ll have to leave.”

The blonde, in a rage, demanded, “How could you tell I am a blonde???”

The shopkeeper looked at her, shook his head, and said, “Because that’s not a TV… It’s a microwave.”

Jokes

Joke #5217: In-Flight Chat

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Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, “You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.”

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, “Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.”

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, “Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, “I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy.”

Lists

Cheap Halloween Costumes

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Fairly Cheap Costumes:

Tom Cruise – sunglasses, socks (no shoes), no pants or shorts, a dress shirt, and underwear

Chuck Norris – wear only pants, no socks or shoes, a bandana, and die your facial, chest, and back hair red

Ghandi – shave your head and wear a loin cloth toga

Tarzan – only wear loin cloth underwear or any underwear

 

Things you can say you are if someone asks and you aren’t dressed up:

“Myself”

“an Insomniac”

“a Necrophiliac”

“a trick or treater”

“a retired wrestler”

“a person with a bus pass”

“I wear shorts”

“I have candy”

“I’m a scary monster”

“I forgot my costume on my way to your house”

Or just run away before they can ask.

Guides

How To Make a Squackle Gang

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Note: Don’t actually do this, please.

1. Get a bunch of your friends and people that would like to join your gang that you don’t hate, and drop out of school. Or go to school and make your school your gang’s territory.

2. Name your gang from this list, and choose a theme:
Name:

  • The Cazzys
  • Foo Foo Tinas
  • The Tutu Posse
  • Mean Clowns that Bark
  • The Crazy Kitties
  • The Counts of Monte Cristo
  • The Vampire Squad
  • The CraZys (notice the misspelling)
  • The Miss Pellers
  • The Hotties
  • The Coldies
  • The Assrammers
  • The Spider
  • Las Silla Locas (The Crazy Chairs)
  • The Guys that Follow You Home
  • The Second of Man
  • Summer Time
  • Waugh
  • The Super Marios
  • The Crown Jewels
  • The Homeless
  • We Breathe
  • Tarzan RULES
  • Metallicats
  • The Swat Katz
  • Allison Chains
  • The Bud Light Buddies
  • The Treks
  • The Reservation (only allowed to be a Native American-themed gang)

Theme:

  • Gay – everyone has man sex, no women allowed
  • Lesbian – everyone has hot steamy woman sex, no men allowed
  • Arrogant – everyone thinks they’re better than everyone else. If you get 2 of them in the same neighborhood, watch out!
  • Latino – everyone talks with a latino accent, and they listen to music made by WCW wrestlers who can’t get a job at the WWF/WWE.
  • Black – everyone talks in Ebonics, listens to rap, watches BET only (with the occasional dash of CNN, just to see what the white man is saying about the black man), and never visits Squackle
  • White – everyone is white, and sometimes includes albinos. Squackle is a recently visited web site, mostly among the Western Europeans. Usually does not include Eastern Europeans, unless they’re Americanized. Can be broken down into NRA (mostly Americans), Mafia (mostly Italians), and others.
  • Soviet – everyone is mainly Eastern European, Russian, or just can’t be considered black or purely white.
  • Arab – everyone listens to Arab music, and they usually kill everyone that doesn’t have heritage from a country that doesn’t have endless deserts, huge oil deposits, and blistering heat. (which is pretty much everywhere except Southern California)
  • Albino Black Guy – everyone is an albino or an albino black guy. You won’t see them out during the day.
  • Cheerleader – everyone is a hot cheerleader. Watch out for their sexy ass shakes and pom poms. They’ll fuck you then stab you in the back. Either way they fuck you, I guess. They usually only listen to the popular music at the time, and hate anything older than a month, including music they used to like.
  • Ugly Cheerleader – usually known as the Color Guard, these girls couldn’t get into the Cheerleading squad, so they had to go to the second level — Color Guard. Everyone is either ugly or moderately good looking. They listen to the popular music at the time, and usually don’t hate music they used to like. They say everything else just “isn’t their flavor.”
  • Suicidal Teenager – everyone is a suicidal teenager. Watch out for these suckers, cause when they snap…they kill themselves. They usually listen to intelligent music like Mozart, Beethoven, or Slayer
  • Agent Smith – everyone is Agent Smith. Wouldn’t actually be a reality, unless this were actually the Matrix and Agent Smith took over lots of people’s bodies and made his own gang for fun. Everyone would have the same hair cut and the same suit. They would all talk in unison or an echo-like type of speech, so it would be in a wave that you hear anything. Kind of weird. They’re a hive mind or whatever so they can do that kind of weird shit. If you don’t know who Agent Smith is, watch a Matrix movie.
  • The Military – a government regulated gang, where they’re gonna make you think Hell is an amusement park with the training they give you. The Military can do whatever they damn well please, because in a sense, they rule the country.
  • The Militia – a group of commonfolk from a certain town that get together on the weekends and shoot at trees and deer. They don’t really do anything that helpful, except waste trees and buy bullets from K-Mart.
  • Heavy Metal – this gang doesn’t do anything but sit on mattresses in a basement, listening to heavy metal from the 80s and 90s (possibly some from later years), and beat the shit out of anyone who thinks their music sucks. They usually have long hair or really short hair. Usually have tattoos, and most of them play an instrument like a guitar, bass, drums or an accordian. Some even play a triangle (those guys are bad mother fuckers)
  • Soccer Mom – these bitches never shut the fuck up. When they invade other territories, they bring their endless lines of minivans with soccer team after soccer team in each minivan. These soccer teams will beat the shit out of you if they believe they can get a Capri-Sun after doing so. Stupid manipulative soccer mom bitches.
  • Internet Geeks – these people never leave their chairs, and its amazing how most of them aren’t fat. Rather than being an “IRL” (also known as “In Real Life”) Gang, they are moreover an online-sort of gang, and hack into other people’s computers either for pleasure or to find porn because their parents put a Cyber Cop program on their computer so they can’t go to any porn sites, so they have to get it by hacking other people’s computers.
  • Demon – spawns of Hell or humans possessed by the Devil. These guys usually listen to Anti-Christ music and promote abortion, just so they can piss off the Anti-Abortionist Radical Christian Fucks.
  • Anti-Abortionist Radical Christian Fucks – these stupid fuckers bomb abortion clinics and would wish for nothing but having every teenager’s penis cut off, as well as everyone who has one that has sex more than 1 time and is unsuccessful at impregnation.
  • Trekkies – everyone is a Star Trek fan. These idiots can’t face reality, so they usually fight their gang fights with their photon laser weapons that haven’t been invented yet, so they have to make their own sound effects
  • Native American – a Native American gang whose motto is “we’re still here.”  They harp on about the “Native Era” when the Native Americans ruled all of America before the white man came and had sex with their antelopes.

3. Now that you have your gang name, you have to name you and your friends. Pick names from this list:

  • Foyf – short for Fart On Your Face
  • Spoyc – short for Spit Poop On Your Chair
  • Dip – short for Dingo In Propulsion
  • Dop – short for Donkeys on Parade
  • Boink – short for Big Orange Industrial Noogie Kaka
  • Fnb – short for Freaky Nugget Boy
  • Brig – short for Bunny Rump In Ginger
  • Gog – short for Goofy On Goo
  • Li,ne (pronounced Line) – short for Lick Iguanas, Naughty Elf
  • Cwafa – short for Crab With a French Accent
  • Yagoga – short for Yellow Antelopes Go Over Green Apples
  • Smit – short for Smelly Monkeys in Tents

4. Get some guns, bazookas, knives and boxes full of beanie babies, and gloves. You have to wear the gloves at all times, it covers your fingerprints. Recruit all the guys you can, to make your gang big, and a problem.

5. Now, go to any street not named Percy or Pansy. Hold that street like it was your home, because now it is!

6. For practice, stab the beanie babies you got in the boxes with your knives, shoot them with your guns, and beat them down with large, painful looking sticks.

7. Just in case cops come, take out the magazine of real bullets in your gun and put in a magazine of blanks and say, “You were only practicing your aim with blank bullets.” If the cop doesn’t believe you, start whacking the guy with those sticks that you got and use your fancy knifing work. Take his body out into an alley and dump him in a trash can. No one will find him until next trash day, and by then all the evidence will be shat on by cats (if you were stupid enough to leave any), so it won’t matter.

8. If any other gang tries to invade your territory, do what comes to mind…KILL’EM! And then after you kill them all, take over their territory, and then adopt all the dead gang member’s moms and dads, so they can give you pasta every Sunday.

9. Once a territory that you hold has been in your gang’s possession for a long time, make it a state. It is reccomended that you register this new mini-state with the U.S. Government, so that you’ll have exclusive rights over the acquired state, but they’ll probably just send the Army after you, then you’ll really be fucked. So, you probably shouldn’t do that.

10. Live, and make sure your fellow gang members do too.

Guides

How To Shave Your Ass

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It’s real good to employ an electric razor in this area. Less chance of cutting your self in blind areas. And the narrower profile (Braun makes a thin razor) of the cutting head is ideal for getting into the gluttial crevice (butt crack). Use the electric razor first if you plan on also using a disposable razor. Electric razors work best on dry area.

If you’re going to use a disposable razor take a long, warm bath beforehand.

Before applying shaving cream, rinse area with cool water.

Apply shaving cream a few minutes before shaving to soften hairs. Consider using a sensitive product like Coochy Shave or Skintimate.

Be sure to use a sharp blade. You might try using two new blades if you are shaving a large area (no pun intended).

When shaving, stroke an area no more than twice to reduce skin irritation. On the first stroke, go “with the grain” to remove most of the hair, then go “against the grain” for a smooth, close shave.

Be sure to clean the area afterwards with soap and water to reduce the risk of infection. Ideally, give the area a second cleansing using cotton balls and rubbing alcohol.

Some people find daily applying baby powder or talcum powder especially helpful after shaving to keep the area dry and irritation free.

Go as long as possible between shavings to reduce skin irritation.

A great alternative is to use a product such as Nair or Neet. Waxing is possible, but you’ll likely need an assistant. See my instruction pages for these process’.