Tag Archives: English

#23319: davepoobond -> Automatic Man

This entry is part 1 of 2 in the series The Case of the Stolen Backpack

During High School…

davepoobond: my backpack got jacked

davepoobond: during lunch

Automatic Man: LOL

davepoobond: when i was buying my lunch, i bet some kid thought it was his

davepoobond: but there wasn’t any extra backpacks out there

davepoobond: my cell phone, calculator, binder full of all the papers for the year so far, my english binder, and my english notebook are all gone

Automatic Man: that sux

davepoobond: i’m pretty much screwed on the next sociology test

Automatic Man: ya

davepoobond: and the next time my english teacher collects the notebooks

davepoobond: and my squackle notebook was in there too

davepoobond: its vucking gay

Automatic Man: ya

Automatic Man: ull get it back prlly

davepoobond: i dont know though

davepoobond: there wasn’t an extra backpack anywhere

davepoobond: that doesn’t really make sense does it

Automatic Man: the world doesnt

davepoobond: why would someone come back pick up their backpack and keep mine

davepoobond: unless they wanted to keep my shit

davepoobond: for some stupid reason

Automatic Man: ill give it back to you tomorrow

Automatic Man: 😛

davepoobond: did you seriously take it

davepoobond: i dont think you did

Automatic Man: no, i didn’t. and it sux that it was taken.

davepoobond: i had a lot of pens and markers too

davepoobond: and white out

davepoobond: and lead

Automatic Man: ya

davepoobond: scissors. my favorite scissors

davepoobond: my favorite calculator

Automatic Man: lol

davepoobond: my glasses case

Automatic Man: u had a fav.?>

davepoobond: yeah i have a favorite everything

davepoobond: i prefer the scientific calculator i had to a graphing calculator

Automatic Man: lo

Edgar Allen Poe SUCKS

I think I wrote this in 10th grade.

Edgar Allen Poe SUCKS.

Very much so.

When I was writing this, I was sitting through my English class listening to a guy on a tape reading the story “The House of Usher” …which is complete and total crap! I hate how he writes his stories and poems.

The stories have too much description or something. There seems to be sentences within sentences within sentences, and it seems like they’re all fancy words put together to they make each other more fancy, and then there is no real story it seems.

Ooooh. The end of all his stories are so scary…you’re expected to get scared with “-she was dead,” like at the end of “The Oval Portrait”

Ooh. Scary. Dumb. “Never more?” Oooh. Scary.

Die.

Girls on Dating Sites

This entry is part 9 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

I sometimes scour the internet for all things hilarious.

More recently, that includes dating sites — especially for choice quotes.  My God, what a treasure trove I have stumbled upon — and I only look at the girl’s profiles.  I have yet to even try to look at what guys say and do on sites like Plenty of Fish, OKCupid, etc.  However, having a decent exposure to these web sites and the people that tend to be on them, I have formulated theories about what these girls actually say (or do) on them.

A lot of times, they just say the same things.  I think we can establish that there’s a few things that girls say or do on dating sites that is either really telling or just doesn’t need to be mentioned on their profiles.  And you would think that guys would be bad — yeah, well girls are bad too!

– The girl is “Looking to have fun.”

She is looking to have sex.

– Her profile is blank and only has pictures.

She is looking to have sex, and pretty much just relying on her “sexy” pictures to get guys to message her.  Never mind having a personality or even beating around the bush — she just wants her bush to get beaten directly.  And have as very little effort as possible in doing so.

This also covers people who basically make no statement of who they are/what they do/anything that would actually make you be interested in who they are as a person.  It’s great if you’re “friendly” but I have no idea what that tells me about you.

– “I don’t have time to fill this out right now.”

I don’t see how anyone cares that you need to state that you don’t have time to fill this out “right now.”  It just shows their lack of effort, especially since they never seem to update their profile to remove the statement.  There really is just no point in having the statement at all — if they omitted it, nothing would be lost.  I don’t care you didn’t have time to fill it out a month ago when you established your profile — what’s happened to the time since then?  “Right now” seems like a very long time.

– She has a picture of her leaning down with her boobs/ass hanging out.

She is probably looking for sex, or to “reel you in” with her main picture so that you can click on her profile.  You can’t really see her face, all you see is boob, and that’s what gets guys to click it.  Then you realize the horrible truth that she’s unattractive 9 times out of 10.  The same goes for any other “provocative” shots they might have uploaded.

– Boobs, boobs, and more boobs.

Nothing screams out to me “I’m trashy” more than when girls have 8 pictures of themselves on their profile squeezing/positioning their boobs in such a way that misappropriates their actual size/shape and makes them more “sexually pleasing.”  The best thing about it is that they say “I’m looking for a man that likes me for me” (or some broken English variant of that) and they accompany that forlorn statement with trashy boob pictures.  Have we found a dichotomy?  I think so.

– Self-camera shots.

Hardly a “dating site” problem, but the overwhelming majority of pictures seem to be a “hey look at what kind of camera I have” mirror shot.  And most have cleavage anyway.

– Girls that complain about “guys that are shirtless”

The only reason a girl complains about seeing a guy shirtless is because they don’t appeal to them.  They say it anyway because most of the guys they look at are probably fooling them just like their boobs are fooling guys just as badly.  We all know that they actually like looking at topless dudes as long as they are hot, despite what they say.

– Pictures with friends

It’s nice to see that girls have friends, I guess.  What can be annoying is when there’s a group of her friends (how nice that she has friends), but apparently she doesn’t deem it necessary to say “Hey, I’m that one.”  I guess the intent here is to confuse people looking at their profile into thinking they are actually the “hotter” one when in reality they might not (aka aren’t) be.

– Pictures with “other guys”

I don’t know what they’re trying to prove by putting up pictures of them with “other guys.”  I think they’re trying to say something like “hey, I can get any guy I want” but in reality they don’t seem like they can.  At the very least it would carefully off-put at least some of the people that look at their pictures for whatever reason they might have.  If they’re going to put up pictures of them on a dating site with other dudes they might as well date that guy before trying their luck on a dating site.

– They say they are sarcastic, but don’t seem to understand what that means.

A lot of girls like to say they are sarcastic or like sarcasm.  But they do little to demonstrate that they actually know what it means or how they are supposedly “sarcastic” all the time.  Obviously there are some that know what it is, means, and can actually be described as such.  But most aren’t.

– They are a “nerd.”

Everyone is a damn nerd.  No, you are not a nerd because you have a laptop and are studying for a test.  In fact, many of the people who say they ARE nerds, list nothing that actually qualify as such.  Very seldom do you see anyone actually say they “are” a nerd when they actually are one.

– Horrendous spelling.

I’m sure guys are just as bad, but how can I possibly love anyone that leaves out random letters from the beautiful language we call English?  This is just one example of the travesty you can find:

“u r probably wonder why i dont look prettier like thee other girls tlk to but jus to tell u unlike most of the girls i got things going for myself nd GOD made me to b the way i am for my future so begore u start meassing me sayin im not ya type or im ugly save both of our time and do us both a fav and dont message me with tht bs!!”

Case in point.  Or should I say… cse n pnt

– That’s proooooobably a tranny…

A lot of times you might find a girl that… looks a little bit off.  Sometimes they go right out and say “I am transgendered/transsexual” or “I am NOT a tranny.”  I suppose I feel sorry for the latter, being that people THINK they are transsexual and ask them repeatedly enough that it has to be listed on the profile.

– Overweight is the new “thin.”

This doesn’t happen a whole lot, but there’s a certain segment of crazies out there that like to lie about their body type.  I mean, really?  I can see your picture.  You are not thin or “average” — you are at the very least “overweight” or “few extra pounds.”  Don’t try to pass yourself off as Average body type when you are obviously not.  I suppose I can be lenient and say that since most people nowadays are overweight, you could be classified as “average.”  However, there are a couple of cases where that is really just not the case.

– They complain about getting a lot of messages… but then they want you to write a paragraph in your message to them.

I get that girls probably get tons of messages from guys, especially if they are seemingly-attractive.  It sort of seems counter-productive that they complain about getting tons of these messages, but want you to “say something more than ‘hi’.”  However, this is a double-edged sword — I’m sure all of the people that they would actually want writing “more than hi” to them don’t need to in order to get a response from them.  Not to mention I’m sure that the guys on these sites aren’t very high quality either.

– Awful piercings/tattoos/make-up.

99% of the time when girls have any of the above, they make themselves look terrible.  And then we get close up shots or stupid “pucker face” pictures with their stupid double-cheek piercings.  Not saying that all girls look unattractive with certain piercings/tattoos/make-up, but just that most of them think they look better than they actually do when they show that stuff off.  Most of that stuff will just make me question their sanity.

– “This is my _th time on here”

Sorry it didn’t work out for you before, but that just makes me think you’re either incompatible or you have a propensity to attract weirdos and allow them to meet you or get personal with you to the point you need to delete your profile to get rid of them.

In the end, there’s only one thing that comes from all of the exposure to single, lonely girls looking for companionship/”fun” (aka sex)/friends.  And that is that I become depressed that there are so many stupid people who don’t know how to write, take pictures, or realize that their weird double cheek piercing is not attractive.  There is a genuine sense of sadness when seemingly nice people are looking for their “right one” and don’t seem to have been able to so far, but those are few and far between — considering most dating sites are littered with people I would never want to associate with, let alone letting them know I saw their profile.

Joke #18430

A New York judge is ready to go through the day’s business and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payos, the works.

The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk: “Quick…get me a translator.”

Translator shows up and the judge says: “Ask him what his name is, how old is he and where does he come from?”

The translator says: “Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?”

The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with a British accent: “Your Honour. My name is Sir Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I’ve come from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at Oxford University.”

The translator turns to the judge and says: “Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford.”

“Is Our Health On the Line?” Breakdown

This entry is part 3 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

While I’m at work, I get to read Yahoo! News.  I’ve got plenty of time to catch up on everything that’s fucked up with the world, and all this stuff with WikiLeaks is going off into this weird place with people asking for the death of the founder and all this other conspiracy-worthy nutjobbiness.

Then comes Yahoo! Health.  Every time I read one of their stupid ass articles I get angry.  I don’t get angry because of the facts they present.  I mostly get angry in the WAY they do it.  Most of their stupid articles are about how a hamburger from TGI Fridays is the equivalent to 15 large chocolate smoothies or how an extra-cheese pizza is the equivalent to 29 tofu hot dogs without the buns.

But their most recent travesty of the English language comes in the form of an article named “Is Your Health on the Line?” — and if you couldn’t get the pun in the title of the article its about CELL PHONES!!!! OMG!!!!  THE LASER BEAMS ARE SHOOTING INTO YOUR BRAIN AND INTO YOUR PELVIS AND ITS GOING TO GIVE YOU CANCER SO STOP USING YOUR CELL PHONE AS AN ALARM CLOCK AND START JUMPING OFF BUILDINGS BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR CELL PHONE’S LIFE-STEALING RADIATION!

So I’m going to break down the article piece by piece, mostly by the quotes that I hate.

“Unless you’ve had your cell phone permanently glued to your ear, chances are you’ve heard the recent health buzz: …”

This opening sentence just rubs me the wrong way instantaneously, and really sets the mood for the whole article.  “HAHA FUCK YOU” is what the author is saying to everyone who might fit the description.  Gross generalizational remarks such as this are part of the reason why I hate writers who try to make their sensationalist bullshit something you should care about.

“… Mobile devices may cause cancer. While it’s true that the National Cancer Institute has ruled them safe, a growing number of independent researchers disagree.”

Okay.  So… they “MAY” cause cancer.  However, the leading institute of cancer research says its safe.  Soooo…. let’s find some random people who can say otherwise, and call them “independent researchers.”  Yes, these independent researchers that you’ve never heard of, but now are making statements that can affect your life and tell you what to do.  It’s bullshit like this that makes those random idiots out there say “THEY SAY IT CAUSES CANCER.”  Who is the ever elusive “they?”  “They” are fictitious “independent researchers” (aka experts, apparently) quoted by terrible writers who nominate themselves for Pullitzers.

Now, let’s take a look at how reliable the National Cancer Institute is.  Well, look at that, they have a .gov in their URL.  http://www.cancer.gov/.  So, a fucking governmental institute that has researched cancer as the sole purpose of their existence is not reliable enough to put the issue to rest.  So let’s get all the paranoid idiots of the world hyped up about cell phones shooting dangerous radiation into our skulls since there’s nothing else better to do.

“Most phones do comply with the federal standards, but SAR monitors only thermal effects. (In other words, if the radiation from your phone isn’t cooking your brain, it’s regarded as safe.)”

Sensationalism!  YES!  :zzz:  If a cell phone doesn’t FRY YOUR BRAIN it must be safe!! :zzz: :zzz: :zzz: :zzz:   I guess if a cell phone doesn’t signal an airplane to land on your face it’s also safe.

So, apparently there are phones that don’t comply with federal standards, as proven by this article.  I would assume if this statement were actually founded, that cell phones that DIDN’T comply with federal standards should be reported.  Y’know, since that’s not exactly legal.  Or maybe it is.  In which case, where can I buy a microwave gun to shoot some people’s ovaries and testicles with so they never procreate?

“But mounting scientific evidence suggests that nonthermal radio frequency radiation (RF)—the invisible energy waves that connect cell phones to cell towers, and power numerous other everyday items—can damage our immune systems and alter our cellular makeup, even at intensities considered safe by the FCC.”

Mounting scientific evidence from the articles own, nameless independent researchers/experts?  WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!

THE INVISIBLE ENERGY WAVES – OH NOOOOO!!  They’re invisible!  That must mean they’re bad!  Hey guess what, you fucktard.  VISIBLE ENERGY WAVES have more radiation in them than RF waves!  MIND BOGGLING!

Alter our cellular makeup, so we’re mutating right in front of ourselves?  Sweet, when do I get to turn into a puddle of water and hide behind the laundry machines?

“”The problem is that RF can transfer energy waves into your body and disrupt its normal functioning,” explains Cindy Sage, an environmental consultant in Santa Barbara, California, who has studied radiation for 28 years.”

OH LOOK!  It’s our first independent researcher.  Cindy Sage.  Hmm… Let’s see if we can find anything about her.  But before that, let’s take a look at the “RF can disrupt its normal functioning” statement.  What the fuck does she think we are?  Robots?  We don’t take signals from a cell phone tower to lift our arm, do we?  And another thing, “can” is a very interesting word to use.  It’s mostly used when you don’t know for sure one way or the other.  Meaning… YOU DON’T KNOW what the fuck you’re talking about apparently.

So, Cindy Sage.  Who are you and why do you think you’re so smart?  Let’s go look at your web site.  http://www.silcom.com/~sage/emf/index.html.  Wow.  So your web site is all about how you can decrease the intensity of electromagnetic fields… among other seemingly random things.  And you charge people for it, obviously.  So, I see a conflict of interest here.  Why wouldn’t you want people to freak out about EMF bullshit when you make money by decreasing the amount of EMF in a given area.  Let’s jump to later in the article:

“We’re going to wireless offices and living in wireless homes. Even beaches and parks are going wireless. We’re exposed everywhere.”

Because the sun never posed a threat in beaches or parks before cell phones.

“The good news is that you don’t need to ditch your gadgets. This advice will let you stay plugged in—and keep you healthy.”

Oh, good.  After seven paragraphs of saying how terrible any of these wireless “gadgets” are, you say we can keep them.  How terribly contradicting.  Yet, it soothes the minds of your readers after you’ve insulted them, because they can’t live without their high tech gizmos and gadgets.  I guess Aeriel from Little Mermaid got a brain tumor since she spent so much time with cell phones sailors dropped in the ocean.

“When your phone is on (which it probably is even as you read this) it’s constantly sending and receiving RF signals… The activity really amps up when you’re, say, driving through rural areas. Plus, within the close confines of a car, your entire core is exposed to the radiation.”

Oh no, my tumorous-causing, cancer-causing, soul-stealing cell phone is on and sending my position to the aliens!

I find it very misleading that “within the close confines of a car” you are exposed to MORE RF from your cell phone than if you aren’t in a car.  How does a cell phone’s RF signals all of a sudden expose your “entire core” to radiation as opposed to outside of your car?  It’s in the same place relative to your body.  If anything, the RF signals would be absorbed by the car around you instead of shooting into the 6 year old kid you always seem to have next to your cell phone so you can give them brain cancer.  Being in a car doesn’t do anything more than being out of a car.  In fact, having your windows closed avoids radiation from a more powerful source of energy – ULTRAVIOLET.  Yeah, remember that?  That’s actually something to be mindful of.

“The safer solution: Keep your phone off when driving until you really need it, says Carpenter.”

Well, Carpenter is an idiot.  How would we be able to desperately call for help in a car crash if our cell phone was off?  We’d have to wait 15 seconds for the cell phone to come on, and by then you could have already gone into cardiac arrest.  So, fuck that!  But, at least the bonus is you don’t have to worry about RF waves shooting into your exposed liver as your bleeding all over your face in an car turned upside down in the middle of the freeway.

“And no matter where you are, avoid holding a cell phone directly to your noggin… and use either speakerphone or a corded headset (not a wireless headset).”

So I guess if I’m in public it’s okay for people to hear both sides of the conversation, not like private information being leaked around is worse for you or anything.

“If you have a smartphone that’s loaded with games, music, and movies, turn your wireless settings off while playing or rocking out.”

I HATE PEOPLE WHO SAY “ROCKING OUT.”  FUCK YOU.  I AM NOT ROCKING OUT, IT IS A FUCKING SONG THAT I LIKE TO LISTEN TO.

“Cordless Phones

These stealth wireless threats “have become so powerful, they’re often as strong as cell phones,” says Sage.”

My God.  They’re like worse than a Stealth B-2 Nuclear Bomber, the way they write this article.  At least we can control nuclear bombs.

“Preliminary blind studies have found that, when sitting beside a DECT phone base, some people experienced arrhythmia, a troubling heartbeat irregularity that could eventually lead to stroke or coronary disease, says Sage.”

If RF signals do that by themselves, then there must also be a frequency that stops arrhythmia, too!

“If the whole body is radiated by a router’s RF emissions, the greatest concern is cancer, especially leukemia,” says Carpenter. Also, be aware of your at-home router and any plug-in wireless USB cards you often use.

So, lets get this straight.  Wireless Routers cause leukemia.  Cordless phones cause arrhythmia.  Cell phones cause brain tumors and/or cancer.  Sounds totally real yet so very unproven!

“That Ethernet technology doesn’t leak RF and is often faster and more secure.”

So bad.  They make it seem like anything that uses RF technology UNINTENTIONALLY shoots out its RF signals.  As if that’s not what it’s designed to do!

“If you just can’t give up your wireless router (e.g., if you live in a home with a handful of computer users), make sure you sit as far away from it as possible, says Crofton, and turn it off at night and whenever you’re not online.”

That defeats the purpose of a wireless router.  Sitting as far away as possible from a wireless router gets you shitty reception.  Why would you want shitty internet intentionally?

“When you hold your laptop on your lap, what you’re essentially doing is radiating your pelvis,” says Carpenter, …”

And Laptops make you sterile…

“Indeed, early studies point to a heightened risk of testicular cancer for men who keep RF-emitting devices close to their belts.”

…give you testicular cancer…

“For women, adds Carpenter, “the studies aren’t quite there yet, but I think we can say that anything that might cause cancer almost always causes birth defects, so pregnant women—or those wanting to become pregnant soon—should take extra precautions.”

…give you ovarian cancer and makes your babies downy babies.  Death to RF!  I mean, death to light!  Does that make sense?

“The safer solution: Keep your laptop off your lap (if you have to rest it there, buffer it with a sturdy pillow that’s at least six inches thick).”

Because pillows absorb RF light or something?  How is a pillow supposed to stop that if it isn’t opaque to RF light?  It could be translucent, for all we know, depending on the material your pillow is made of, and the RF waves just go right through the pillows.  Not to mention you are creating a FIRE HAZARD by putting your laptop on a pillow and having the laptop heat up and possibly start smoking and blow up and burn you and your pillow and your ovaries and your house down.  Smart people are really dumb.

“Try to use a desktop computer at home and treat your laptop as an on-the-go convenience.”

Isn’t the reason that most people have a laptop because they don’t have room for a desktop?

“One thing to keep in mind: Laptops are a high RF radiation risk only while connected to wireless Internet, so when you’re watching a DVD, fiddling around with your photos, or writing that dissertation, just disable your connection and you’ll be much safer.”

Safe from what?  The invisible cancer waves?   I guess fiddling around with your secret porn collection is just as dangerous in the end, you never know who might see you doing stuff with them, and use that as justification to murder you.  Guess you don’t have to worry about invisible threats of cancer when you’re DEAD from an abusive relationship.

“Baby monitors release more RF than cell phones do, and putting them next to a crib is very, very unwise,” says Carpenter. He points to a recent University of Utah study that shows RF radiation can penetrate almost entirely through a child’s brain, which doesn’t form completely until nearly 20 years of age. “It’s very clear from all the existing research that the younger the child is, the more vulnerable he or she is to the effects of RF radiation.”

In one temporal lobe and out the other, I always say (I don’t)!  Did all of that “existing research” also say that the younger a child is, the more vulnerable they are to BELIEVING STUPID SHITTY ARTICLES ON YAHOO HEALTH?

“The safer solution: Consider not using a baby monitor. If you absolutely must use one, place it far from your baby’s crib—at least 10 to 15 feet away.”

That way it makes it easier for you to not know if your baby is in need of help!  Or makes it easy for some random guy to come in and steal your baby!  Guess you don’t have to worry about brain tumors and cancer when you don’t have a baby anymore.  Also, if there’s nothing in between the baby and the monitor, THE LIGHT DOESN’T GET ABSORBED.  In fact, you’re making sure to shower your baby’s WHOLE BODY with RF waves, and making everything around him absorb RF light as well so they can sleep in an irradiated crib.  According to the article’s logic, anyhow.

In conclusion, there is no conclusion.  This article is full of stupid crap and is trash.  This is one of the worst articles I’ve ever read.