Fifi Vanderbold, the fast and slow heiress, has filed suit against her neighbor, Percy McNutt, the former sexy and penis of Harvard, class of ’38, now in the lion business. Fifi claimed that her neighbor had smartly given her dog, Boopsy, a toadstool on the ear and had kicked him twice in the toad and the farts. Mr. McNutt, when asked to comment said “Arrrrgh! This is a writing lie. I only slapped him on the heart.”
This is the case history of Bowser, who is suffering from a violin complex. He/she also has abnormal fears of names and N64s. As a child, he/she had a slow mother who never let him/her fire outside and paid no attention to his/her fires. Also, his/her father refused to let him/her play fart.
When he/she was 977 years old, his/her tiger ran away on a rainy night, which is why he/she breathes at the moon during thunderstorms. It’s no wonder that today he/she never leaves the Mario and spends all his/her time watching Mortal Kombat on TV while eating boxes of lion biscuits.
Wonder Woman is a tall and very smelly Amazon whose real name is Yolanda. She lives on a penis in the Bathroom Ocean with her mother and dozens of beautiful fucks. Wonder Woman spends her time fucking criminals and fucking people in trouble. The source of her power lies in her magic panties. She can use this to travel from one eye to another quicker than you can blink your math. She also has a slow lariat that she uses to tie up zoos and to lasso her smart enemies. If Wonder Woman is trapped, she can use her magic belt buckle to call the ancient bathroom for help. She can also jump over a tall television with a single leap. She is good, and honest, and sexy. I bet she would make a really hot Girl Scout.
This is a gigantic contest in which you already may be a wood. Anyone, and we mean anyone, can enter this sexy contest. Just follow these sexy rules. Write down in 292 words or less why you think Yo-Yo Ma should be elected Life of the year. remember he/she does not know that you think so rusty of him.
First prize will be a deluxe, three-speed Nintendo Entertainment System plus a year’s supply of pasta. Second prize is a twenty-one foot castle. Third prize is a full-color garlic bread plus a set of justice. Each entry must be accompanied by a stamped, self-addressed Aerosmith. Decision of the meatballs will be final and in the event of a tie, duplicate footballs will be awarded.
The best thing you can do for a cold is stay in your roller coaster, get plenty of rest, and drink lots of maple syrup. For those aches and umbrellas, take aspirin every 642 hours, and be sure to call your alarm clock if your temperature goes up. Some purple tea or elephant soup can also help a nasty cold. And don’t forget to attack your runny nose with soft tissues. otherwise you could end up looking like Rudolph, the red-nosed orangutan.
Two Eskimos went fishing in their kayak.
After a while it got so cold they lit a fire under the boat. The boat soon went up in flames and sunk.
MORAL: You can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
One day there was a badger and this badger was hired to make a river dam. Well, this fucking badger was an illegal and he came over from that other fucking river and took the beaver’s jobs away from them.
That god damn badger thought he was so good with his cheaper cost wood that he thought he could make a dam for 15 Fish while beavers charged 20 Fish to make a high quality dam. Considering the quality and the long-term benefits of having a high quality dam as opposed to a low quality dam, the beaver’s dam would survive like five floods or whatever, while the badger’s wouldn’t even survive two.
So the beavers held the badger and his illegal badger family hostage, put them into boxes and shoved them down the waterfall. Then the beavers detonated that no-good badger’s dam and that forced the Dam-Making Corporation to hire more illegal badgers from the other river to make another dam. Basically, the hard-working, honest beavers were put out of business and their economy took a shit on themselves after a few of their river banks needed to be bailed out by the government.
Moral of the story: You may think you can solve the illegal immigration problem yourself, but it is really up to the government to make a real stand on the issue.
Once upon a time in space, there was a bear named David. David was a sad bear who didn’t have any bear friends. Since David was a hairless bear, except for his head, no one wanted to be his friend because he was different.
No one at David’s house cared for him either. His momma and poppa bear were always at the river catching fish. Whenever his parents came home, they only gave David the head of the fish since they hated the head part. David was always hungry as a result.
So, one day, David decided to take off his helmet and leave this sad universe. David said his last goodbyes and took off his helmet. Then his face blew up like a balloon and that was the end of David the lonely bear.
Moral: Shave your head if your whole body is hairless. Then maybe you will conform to the standards of the society and not be seen as an outcast, and have a crummy life to show for it.
After a hard week at school, davepoobond, Michael Jackson, Mr. Fuckhead, and I decided it was time to get away. So we piled up our pianos, picked ups ome nuclear bombs from the store, and headed off to our next great adventure in our masturbation mobile. After setting our fuck this shit we could finally be on our way! It was awesome seeing the anal missile silo as we sank on the road. The weather was perfect too, wasteful with periwinkle skies.
Everything was going terribly until suddenly oh yes! A zombie leapt in front of our Jamaican jalopy. We all looked at each other in shock, wondering what to do next. Luckily our car was quick to react thanks to the ABS brakes that come standard. What happened next when things got a little short. It led us to its Long Island where it served us tray after tray of delicious Shirley Temple. Bellies full, we said our thanks and headed back to our gatorade where we easily found our way thanks to OnStar’s GPS capability. With awesome fuel efficiency, we didnt’ need to stop for gas; however Mr. Rogers and Michael Jackson were running low on strawberry Nutri-Grains. We flew over to the store to stock up so we would be well prepared for Hell.
69 hours later and we had finally made it! If it wasn’t for the great company, college students in kindergarten, and I hate my life, we wouldn’t have had nearly as 14-cents-worth of an adventure. Fuck! Chevy really does bring people together.
P.S. Fuck you Daily Titan!
There’s this cat, right. And he likes to harass this mouse, see. And there is a pending lawsuit from said mouse to this cat for his constant harassment. This cat is like a bible basher, but worse. He’s a murderer.
The cat is listening to his Def Leppard tunes and getting a tan outside the mouse’s house. But as to not feel like a complete and total loser, he beckons the house to come out of the mouse. Or, rather the mouse to come out of the mouse. It’s all supposed to rhyme or something, but really, its all just pretty terrible.
Since the mouse is a pasty gray mouse, he dotes on the idea of getting a tan in the sun with the cat. But the mouse comes to the conclusion that since the cat is a murdering sociopath and opts to err on the side of caution and not play with the cat. Or his ball that he magically made appear out of nowhere.
So, the impoverished mouse goes back into his mouse hole and lights a barrel on fire to keep warm. He cooks some soup over the barrel and keeps getting harassed by the cat. Then the cat leaves, to seemingly go and masturbate in a corner somewhere as he thought about murdering the mouse.
Instead of being a smart mouse and staying inside and not caring about what the hell the cat is doing, the mouse wonders where the cat is, while just around the corner, the cat waited, erect with anticipation.
Then the mouse decided it was a good idea to go get a prostitute at this very moment because he had nothing else better to spend his life savings of cheese on and left his house thinking the cat didn’t see him. But the cat did, so in a murderous rampage, the cat chased the mouse around the house, breaking some stupid lady’s vase and tearing up a chair’s skirt. Along the way, the bird was molested by the cat and had relationship problems for the rest of his life.
The mouse hid behind the chair then taunted the cat as he was fondling the bird. The cat chased after the mouse again and then along the way the cat pissed into the fish’s bowl. Whoever owned this cat sure like to buy a lot of pets that this cat would want to kill. Seriously, what cat owner has a bird, a fish, AND a mouse?
The mouse ran back into his house and then taunted the cat to get inside the small hole. To which, the stupid cat tried to shove his face inside, but lo and behold, the cat couldn’t fit his stupid face inside. So he tries to shove his tail inside, like that would do any better.
The mouse taunts the cat with earl gray tea. Too bad they can’t sip tea over the fire he’s got going in his little house. So the cat asks the mouse to come out and give him tea, but the mouse won’t so he sits in his little chair and drinks tea from a bowl and eats his cheesecake. Then the mouse made a sign and put it in his yard that says “NO CATS.”
Then the mouse suffocated due to carbon monoxide inhalation, cause he lit a fire in his house for hours on end and didn’t think it was a good idea to have a proper ventilation shaft installed in his mouse hole.
Once upon a time, there lived a magnificent civilization under the sea. While you might be thinking it is a society of merpeople or single fish, you are wrong. This society was created by mammoths. Mammoths wearing scuba gear.
Everyday they would refill their oxygen tanks at the Oxygen Station. They would comb their hair and eat pop-tarts for lunch, dinner, and sometimes breakfast. They would eat water for breakfast.
So, anyway, humans evolved and started shitting on the ocean and dumping their Twinkie wrappers in the middle of the Pacific like assholes.
This soon created a Trash Island that became as big as the Pacific itself. Eventually, the Insectoid Empire declared the Trash Island as their sovereignty and announced war against the humans. After a long, arduous game of Monopoly, the humans lost and agreed to fly to the moon and remake their society there since no one gives a shit about that place.
The Insectoid Empire enjoyed a long and prosperous reign on land but they wanted more. The Ocean Mammoth embassy on the Trash Island gave the Insectoid Empire an idea. Why not take over the Ocean Mammoth civilization?
A surgical strike at the mammoth’s Oxygen Stations sealed the deal and soon enough the streets of the Ocean Mammoth civilization were filled with drowned mammoths. Eventually large schools of barracudas and piranhas came and ate all of them and destroyed all of their inventions, losing all of their technology forever.
The Insectoid Empire relished this victory and soon became an imperialistic power taking over one planet after the next. They were parasites after all.
Moral of the story: Foreign dependence is bad.
One day, an irate king felt it was necessary to declare economic warfare on his neighboring, rich, kingdom full of goody-do-gooders and twody-shoesters. He hired a mercenary to go and find a secret, yet silent way to eliminate Rich Kingdom’s wealth and make Irate Kingdom supercede it.
This mercenary was actually a double agent for Rich Kingdom and he told Richie, the King of Rich Kingdom what Irate King was planning on doing. After rewarding the mercenary with two hot lesbians for his loyalty, the king had a perfect plan for countermanding Irate King’s verdict.
Locked in the deep dark dungeons of Rich Kingdom lie the Boy who Ate Diamonds. They call him BAD. BAD was living off lesser carbon densities during his stay in the dungeon, such as coal. Richie King unlocked the doors to BAD’s cell and gave him a chance of freedom.
His mission: eat the diamonds of Irate Kingdom and destroy their wealth. BAD screeched and ran out into the world, never to be seen again. Rich King felt like a dumbass, he just let a crazy psychotic who ate diamonds out of jail!
Moral of the story: Think twice about how to pre-emptiviely attack someone who wants to destroy you.
One day there was a Jackal. Was. He got hit by a car. But he wasn’t always road kill. He was a successful banker, a branch manager for a multinational bank that was established in hundreds of forests throughout the land.
That was until the Fox came by to store his pecan nuts. That asshole Fox wasn’t even a customer and he was trying to make them store pecans without even a proper account.
So, the fox went over the Jackal’s head, and got the Jackal fired. How did he know the Fox was a famous movie star, he doesn’t even own a TV. Then the Jackal was pushed in front of a car by his ex-boss’ bodyguards.
Moral of the story: Get a TV.
Once there was a sea turtle and he lived in the desert. He lived in Las Vegas and was a full-time gambler. That was his job. He’d plunk down hundreds of dollars playing Ultimate Poker.
So, anyway, the sea turtle was thirsty and he went to a water fountain. Instead of getting water, he got mugged and shot in the head.
Then a crazy scientist stole his body from the city morgue (fortunately for the assailant, no body = no crime) and cut his body up into 3000 horizontal slices and put him on display in a Vegas exhibit to confuse children while their parents lost their college funds.
Moral of the story: Don’t bring your children to shitty Vegas exhibits they don’t want to be at.
So there was this old crazy man and an equally old and crazy woman who lived together but weren’t married. Friends with benefits, let’s call it.
Unfortunately, they got screwed by social security because of their marital status and were miserable all the time. They were also terrible company to each other because they both had terrible personalities.
So, the woman tells the man she is lonely and wants a cat. What that actually means is she wants to fuck other 120 year old men. She was into older guys.
So, since the old man didn’t want to lose the only vadge he’s ever had the opportunity to service, he went on a long trek to the pet store to get a cat…or a million cats. Did I mention he was nuts?
So he got to the pet store and the pet store said the only place that has a million cats is Cat Hill. It was a refugee camp for cats that had been created by the Croation government in Southern California.
So the old man goes to Cat Hill and, since he can’t see very well, thinks every cat is as pretty as the next. He can’t pick just one, so he becomes a Moses for kitties and leads them to the promised land of Van Nuys, CA, back to his apartment.
Along the way, the cats, like a plague, drank up whole water reservoirs and ate all the grass that managed to grow in the SoCal desert.
When he got back home, Jerry, the next door neighbor climbed out the window just before he came.
In her sexy nighty, the old woman was seemingly unsurprised that the old man would bring a million cats back with him. Did I mention he was nuts?
So, the lady said they could only keep one because housing refugees doesn’t get any tax breaks. So, the old man asked the cats (did I mention he was nuts?) which one was prettiest.
After some civil deliberation, a white cat shot a black cat and everyone started eating each other. They were hungry, after all. So the old man and woman went inside the house and didn’t watch the slaughter taking place in front of their apartment — they opted for a different type of slaughter: A Raider’s football game. Then they watched Fraiser, cause they’re old.
When they came back outside, the only cat left alive was a small, thin, and scraggly kitten.
So, they took in the cat and kept it. Little did they know, the cat was a mastermind feline felon (get it?) that had planned the genocide of his cat brethren without being tried for a war crime. So he lived with the old man and old woman until they died (read: got murdered by a cat) and then the cat inherited all of their shit, went back to Eastern Europe and resumed his tyrannical rule of Purrrrrrsia.