The Badger’s Dam

One day there was a badger and this badger was hired to make a river dam.  Well, this fucking badger was an illegal and he came over from that other fucking river and took the beaver’s jobs away from them.

That god damn badger thought he was so good with his cheaper cost wood that he thought he could make a dam for 15 Fish while beavers charged 20 Fish to make a high quality dam.  Considering the quality and the long-term benefits of having a high quality dam as opposed to a low quality dam, the beaver’s dam would survive like five floods or whatever, while the badger’s wouldn’t even survive two.

So the beavers held the badger and his illegal badger family hostage, put them into boxes and shoved them down the waterfall.  Then the beavers detonated that no-good badger’s dam and that forced the Dam-Making Corporation to hire more illegal badgers from the other river to make another dam.  Basically, the hard-working, honest beavers were put out of business and their economy took a shit on themselves after a few of their river banks needed to be bailed out by the government.

Moral of the story:  You may think you can solve the illegal immigration problem yourself, but it is really up to the government to make a real stand on the issue.

 

“Is Our Health On the Line?” Breakdown

This entry is part 3 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

While I’m at work, I get to read Yahoo! News.  I’ve got plenty of time to catch up on everything that’s fucked up with the world, and all this stuff with WikiLeaks is going off into this weird place with people asking for the death of the founder and all this other conspiracy-worthy nutjobbiness.

Then comes Yahoo! Health.  Every time I read one of their stupid ass articles I get angry.  I don’t get angry because of the facts they present.  I mostly get angry in the WAY they do it.  Most of their stupid articles are about how a hamburger from TGI Fridays is the equivalent to 15 large chocolate smoothies or how an extra-cheese pizza is the equivalent to 29 tofu hot dogs without the buns.

But their most recent travesty of the English language comes in the form of an article named “Is Your Health on the Line?” — and if you couldn’t get the pun in the title of the article its about CELL PHONES!!!! OMG!!!!  THE LASER BEAMS ARE SHOOTING INTO YOUR BRAIN AND INTO YOUR PELVIS AND ITS GOING TO GIVE YOU CANCER SO STOP USING YOUR CELL PHONE AS AN ALARM CLOCK AND START JUMPING OFF BUILDINGS BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR CELL PHONE’S LIFE-STEALING RADIATION!

So I’m going to break down the article piece by piece, mostly by the quotes that I hate.

“Unless you’ve had your cell phone permanently glued to your ear, chances are you’ve heard the recent health buzz: …”

This opening sentence just rubs me the wrong way instantaneously, and really sets the mood for the whole article.  “HAHA FUCK YOU” is what the author is saying to everyone who might fit the description.  Gross generalizational remarks such as this are part of the reason why I hate writers who try to make their sensationalist bullshit something you should care about.

“… Mobile devices may cause cancer. While it’s true that the National Cancer Institute has ruled them safe, a growing number of independent researchers disagree.”

Okay.  So… they “MAY” cause cancer.  However, the leading institute of cancer research says its safe.  Soooo…. let’s find some random people who can say otherwise, and call them “independent researchers.”  Yes, these independent researchers that you’ve never heard of, but now are making statements that can affect your life and tell you what to do.  It’s bullshit like this that makes those random idiots out there say “THEY SAY IT CAUSES CANCER.”  Who is the ever elusive “they?”  “They” are fictitious “independent researchers” (aka experts, apparently) quoted by terrible writers who nominate themselves for Pullitzers.

Now, let’s take a look at how reliable the National Cancer Institute is.  Well, look at that, they have a .gov in their URL.  http://www.cancer.gov/.  So, a fucking governmental institute that has researched cancer as the sole purpose of their existence is not reliable enough to put the issue to rest.  So let’s get all the paranoid idiots of the world hyped up about cell phones shooting dangerous radiation into our skulls since there’s nothing else better to do.

“Most phones do comply with the federal standards, but SAR monitors only thermal effects. (In other words, if the radiation from your phone isn’t cooking your brain, it’s regarded as safe.)”

Sensationalism!  YES!  :zzz:  If a cell phone doesn’t FRY YOUR BRAIN it must be safe!! :zzz: :zzz: :zzz: :zzz:   I guess if a cell phone doesn’t signal an airplane to land on your face it’s also safe.

So, apparently there are phones that don’t comply with federal standards, as proven by this article.  I would assume if this statement were actually founded, that cell phones that DIDN’T comply with federal standards should be reported.  Y’know, since that’s not exactly legal.  Or maybe it is.  In which case, where can I buy a microwave gun to shoot some people’s ovaries and testicles with so they never procreate?

“But mounting scientific evidence suggests that nonthermal radio frequency radiation (RF)—the invisible energy waves that connect cell phones to cell towers, and power numerous other everyday items—can damage our immune systems and alter our cellular makeup, even at intensities considered safe by the FCC.”

Mounting scientific evidence from the articles own, nameless independent researchers/experts?  WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!

THE INVISIBLE ENERGY WAVES – OH NOOOOO!!  They’re invisible!  That must mean they’re bad!  Hey guess what, you fucktard.  VISIBLE ENERGY WAVES have more radiation in them than RF waves!  MIND BOGGLING!

Alter our cellular makeup, so we’re mutating right in front of ourselves?  Sweet, when do I get to turn into a puddle of water and hide behind the laundry machines?

“”The problem is that RF can transfer energy waves into your body and disrupt its normal functioning,” explains Cindy Sage, an environmental consultant in Santa Barbara, California, who has studied radiation for 28 years.”

OH LOOK!  It’s our first independent researcher.  Cindy Sage.  Hmm… Let’s see if we can find anything about her.  But before that, let’s take a look at the “RF can disrupt its normal functioning” statement.  What the fuck does she think we are?  Robots?  We don’t take signals from a cell phone tower to lift our arm, do we?  And another thing, “can” is a very interesting word to use.  It’s mostly used when you don’t know for sure one way or the other.  Meaning… YOU DON’T KNOW what the fuck you’re talking about apparently.

So, Cindy Sage.  Who are you and why do you think you’re so smart?  Let’s go look at your web site.  http://www.silcom.com/~sage/emf/index.html.  Wow.  So your web site is all about how you can decrease the intensity of electromagnetic fields… among other seemingly random things.  And you charge people for it, obviously.  So, I see a conflict of interest here.  Why wouldn’t you want people to freak out about EMF bullshit when you make money by decreasing the amount of EMF in a given area.  Let’s jump to later in the article:

“We’re going to wireless offices and living in wireless homes. Even beaches and parks are going wireless. We’re exposed everywhere.”

Because the sun never posed a threat in beaches or parks before cell phones.

“The good news is that you don’t need to ditch your gadgets. This advice will let you stay plugged in—and keep you healthy.”

Oh, good.  After seven paragraphs of saying how terrible any of these wireless “gadgets” are, you say we can keep them.  How terribly contradicting.  Yet, it soothes the minds of your readers after you’ve insulted them, because they can’t live without their high tech gizmos and gadgets.  I guess Aeriel from Little Mermaid got a brain tumor since she spent so much time with cell phones sailors dropped in the ocean.

“When your phone is on (which it probably is even as you read this) it’s constantly sending and receiving RF signals… The activity really amps up when you’re, say, driving through rural areas. Plus, within the close confines of a car, your entire core is exposed to the radiation.”

Oh no, my tumorous-causing, cancer-causing, soul-stealing cell phone is on and sending my position to the aliens!

I find it very misleading that “within the close confines of a car” you are exposed to MORE RF from your cell phone than if you aren’t in a car.  How does a cell phone’s RF signals all of a sudden expose your “entire core” to radiation as opposed to outside of your car?  It’s in the same place relative to your body.  If anything, the RF signals would be absorbed by the car around you instead of shooting into the 6 year old kid you always seem to have next to your cell phone so you can give them brain cancer.  Being in a car doesn’t do anything more than being out of a car.  In fact, having your windows closed avoids radiation from a more powerful source of energy – ULTRAVIOLET.  Yeah, remember that?  That’s actually something to be mindful of.

“The safer solution: Keep your phone off when driving until you really need it, says Carpenter.”

Well, Carpenter is an idiot.  How would we be able to desperately call for help in a car crash if our cell phone was off?  We’d have to wait 15 seconds for the cell phone to come on, and by then you could have already gone into cardiac arrest.  So, fuck that!  But, at least the bonus is you don’t have to worry about RF waves shooting into your exposed liver as your bleeding all over your face in an car turned upside down in the middle of the freeway.

“And no matter where you are, avoid holding a cell phone directly to your noggin… and use either speakerphone or a corded headset (not a wireless headset).”

So I guess if I’m in public it’s okay for people to hear both sides of the conversation, not like private information being leaked around is worse for you or anything.

“If you have a smartphone that’s loaded with games, music, and movies, turn your wireless settings off while playing or rocking out.”

I HATE PEOPLE WHO SAY “ROCKING OUT.”  FUCK YOU.  I AM NOT ROCKING OUT, IT IS A FUCKING SONG THAT I LIKE TO LISTEN TO.

“Cordless Phones

These stealth wireless threats “have become so powerful, they’re often as strong as cell phones,” says Sage.”

My God.  They’re like worse than a Stealth B-2 Nuclear Bomber, the way they write this article.  At least we can control nuclear bombs.

“Preliminary blind studies have found that, when sitting beside a DECT phone base, some people experienced arrhythmia, a troubling heartbeat irregularity that could eventually lead to stroke or coronary disease, says Sage.”

If RF signals do that by themselves, then there must also be a frequency that stops arrhythmia, too!

“If the whole body is radiated by a router’s RF emissions, the greatest concern is cancer, especially leukemia,” says Carpenter. Also, be aware of your at-home router and any plug-in wireless USB cards you often use.

So, lets get this straight.  Wireless Routers cause leukemia.  Cordless phones cause arrhythmia.  Cell phones cause brain tumors and/or cancer.  Sounds totally real yet so very unproven!

“That Ethernet technology doesn’t leak RF and is often faster and more secure.”

So bad.  They make it seem like anything that uses RF technology UNINTENTIONALLY shoots out its RF signals.  As if that’s not what it’s designed to do!

“If you just can’t give up your wireless router (e.g., if you live in a home with a handful of computer users), make sure you sit as far away from it as possible, says Crofton, and turn it off at night and whenever you’re not online.”

That defeats the purpose of a wireless router.  Sitting as far away as possible from a wireless router gets you shitty reception.  Why would you want shitty internet intentionally?

“When you hold your laptop on your lap, what you’re essentially doing is radiating your pelvis,” says Carpenter, …”

And Laptops make you sterile…

“Indeed, early studies point to a heightened risk of testicular cancer for men who keep RF-emitting devices close to their belts.”

…give you testicular cancer…

“For women, adds Carpenter, “the studies aren’t quite there yet, but I think we can say that anything that might cause cancer almost always causes birth defects, so pregnant women—or those wanting to become pregnant soon—should take extra precautions.”

…give you ovarian cancer and makes your babies downy babies.  Death to RF!  I mean, death to light!  Does that make sense?

“The safer solution: Keep your laptop off your lap (if you have to rest it there, buffer it with a sturdy pillow that’s at least six inches thick).”

Because pillows absorb RF light or something?  How is a pillow supposed to stop that if it isn’t opaque to RF light?  It could be translucent, for all we know, depending on the material your pillow is made of, and the RF waves just go right through the pillows.  Not to mention you are creating a FIRE HAZARD by putting your laptop on a pillow and having the laptop heat up and possibly start smoking and blow up and burn you and your pillow and your ovaries and your house down.  Smart people are really dumb.

“Try to use a desktop computer at home and treat your laptop as an on-the-go convenience.”

Isn’t the reason that most people have a laptop because they don’t have room for a desktop?

“One thing to keep in mind: Laptops are a high RF radiation risk only while connected to wireless Internet, so when you’re watching a DVD, fiddling around with your photos, or writing that dissertation, just disable your connection and you’ll be much safer.”

Safe from what?  The invisible cancer waves?   I guess fiddling around with your secret porn collection is just as dangerous in the end, you never know who might see you doing stuff with them, and use that as justification to murder you.  Guess you don’t have to worry about invisible threats of cancer when you’re DEAD from an abusive relationship.

“Baby monitors release more RF than cell phones do, and putting them next to a crib is very, very unwise,” says Carpenter. He points to a recent University of Utah study that shows RF radiation can penetrate almost entirely through a child’s brain, which doesn’t form completely until nearly 20 years of age. “It’s very clear from all the existing research that the younger the child is, the more vulnerable he or she is to the effects of RF radiation.”

In one temporal lobe and out the other, I always say (I don’t)!  Did all of that “existing research” also say that the younger a child is, the more vulnerable they are to BELIEVING STUPID SHITTY ARTICLES ON YAHOO HEALTH?

“The safer solution: Consider not using a baby monitor. If you absolutely must use one, place it far from your baby’s crib—at least 10 to 15 feet away.”

That way it makes it easier for you to not know if your baby is in need of help!  Or makes it easy for some random guy to come in and steal your baby!  Guess you don’t have to worry about brain tumors and cancer when you don’t have a baby anymore.  Also, if there’s nothing in between the baby and the monitor, THE LIGHT DOESN’T GET ABSORBED.  In fact, you’re making sure to shower your baby’s WHOLE BODY with RF waves, and making everything around him absorb RF light as well so they can sleep in an irradiated crib.  According to the article’s logic, anyhow.

In conclusion, there is no conclusion.  This article is full of stupid crap and is trash.  This is one of the worst articles I’ve ever read.

 

Dave’s Notes: Millions of Cats

This entry is part 4 of 5 in the series Dave's Notes

So there was this old crazy man and an equally old and crazy woman who lived together but weren’t married.  Friends with benefits, let’s call it.

Unfortunately, they got screwed by social security because of their marital status and were miserable all the time.  They were also terrible company to each other because they both had terrible personalities.

So, the woman tells the man she is lonely and wants a cat.  What that actually means is she wants to fuck other 120 year old men.  She was into older guys.

So, since the old man didn’t want to lose the only vadge he’s ever had the opportunity to service, he went on a long trek to the pet store to get a cat…or a million cats.  Did I mention he was nuts?

So he got to the pet store and the pet store said the only place that has a million cats is Cat Hill.  It was a refugee camp for cats that had been created by the Croation government in Southern California.

So the old man goes to Cat Hill and, since he can’t see very well, thinks every cat is as pretty as the next.  He can’t pick just one, so he becomes a Moses for kitties and leads them to the promised land of Van Nuys, CA, back to his apartment.

Along the way, the cats, like a plague, drank up whole water reservoirs and ate all the grass that managed to grow in the SoCal desert.

When he got back home, Jerry, the next door neighbor climbed out the window just before he came.

In her sexy nighty, the old woman was seemingly unsurprised that the old man would bring a million cats back with him.  Did I mention he was nuts?

So, the lady said they could only keep one because housing refugees doesn’t get any tax breaks.  So, the old man asked the cats (did I mention he was nuts?) which one was prettiest.

After some civil deliberation, a white cat shot a black cat and everyone started eating each other.  They were hungry, after all.  So the old man and woman went inside the house and didn’t watch the slaughter taking place in front of their apartment — they opted for a different type of slaughter:  A Raider’s football game.  Then they watched Fraiser, cause they’re old.

When they came back outside, the only cat left alive was a small, thin, and scraggly kitten.

So, they took in the cat and kept it.  Little did they know, the cat was a mastermind feline felon (get it?) that had planned the genocide of his cat brethren without being tried for a war crime.  So he lived with the old man and old woman until they died (read: got murdered by a cat) and then the cat inherited all of their shit, went back to Eastern Europe and resumed his tyrannical rule of Purrrrrrsia.

 

The Year Theory

What the government doesn’t want you to know.

This is my conspiracy theory. it is really one year later than we think it is (so 2003=2004, 2004=2005, etc). this is because the millenium bug completely messed up the whole world and a load of really crazy stuff happened. roads exploded, cd’s flew around like frisbees, hi-fi’s started playing really bad music which in turn drove people insane. the government decide to drug everyone in the world (except themselves of course….you dunmb ass). anyway the goverment drugged everyone through food and water supply which made everyone sleep for a whole year. during this year the government poeple fixed all the crazy crap that was happening so that we could live normally. unfortunately, everyone pooped themselves many times over as a result of being asleep for so long. (yeah, come on. admit it. you pooped yourself). that was the only explanation i could come up with for crapping in my bed a few years back. PEACE.

 

What Happens When Grandmas Die

well, they get sent back to the factory, and they have to check to see if they have been tampered with (to see if the warranty is still valid) and if it is, then you get a whole pile of money (the government takes most away) and then they grind her up, and mix her in with all the ground up grandpas, and then they mold new ones, so other kids have them, that’s why you usually don’t see your grandparents too often, they are usually ground up in a factory somewhere, and then when you call up to ask if they want to stay over for dinner, they put a priority on that grandparent, then they mold a new one, and place a speaker in their teeth, (requires special care, code named “dentures”) this speaker system allows the grandparent actors to sound like your grandparent, when they are all done with the job, they grind up the grandparent again, and then they mold someone else’s grandparent…

 

USA: The Presidential Debates 2004

This entry is part 1 of 13 in the series Dave's Breakdown

Don’t know who to vote for this election? Well, luckily for you, there’s the Presidential debates, broadcasted to the millions of people in the United States and all around the world. These vital presidential debates have affected the outcome of the choice America has made since the JFK era. During these debates, the main presidential candidates and their vice presidential counterparts duke it out in front of America, with fancy words, beating questions around the bush by avoiding them and answering them indirectly, and many more things. Didn’t have a chance to watch the debates because you were at work? Well, Squackle’s one and only davepoobond is here to tell you who to vote for, why you should vote for them, and whether he gives a good reason or not is of no concern to you.

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This year, we take a look at the three Presidential Debates of 2004 between John Kerry and George W. Bush, as well as the vice presidential debate between Dick Cheney and John Edwards. The descriptions of each will be a basic synopsis, and will not go into great detail, as we see most of that as really really unneeded, and if you wanted to know more about it, I’m sure you’d want to go to an actual news site (and watch the freaking debates yourself, and form your own opinion) than taking what you read on a humor web site called Squackle as 100% truth. Anyhow, on to the debates!

There has been a lot of tension between the Bush and Kerry camps, after demeaning commercial after another funded by private organizations are constantly shown on TV, as well as accusations in their speeches to insignificant groups of 50-100 people. Bush accused Kerry of being a “flip flop” one million times in each of his speeches, while Kerry said that Bush misled our country into war. Bush is also rumored to have not served during schedules times while he was in the National Guard, while Bush says he was there the whole time. He’s the son of an oil tycoon, and rich as a mother fucker, so are you really gonna believe that he risked his life in the National Guard? I doubt it.

Some may call these debates the “War of the Ages” almost becoming a movie, or the beginning of a Mortal Kombat fight during the “vs.” scene.

1st Debate: Formal setting, standing behind podiums.

Not until the first debate did I even see these two together without having three states separating them. It was almost laughable to see them shaking hands after they both had strucken at each other’s credibility and track record. So, the first debates focused mainly on the war on terror, mainly focusing on Iraq and how they never had any “WMDs” to be found after we took Saddam from power, in a more formal debate forum, with both candidates having a podium. Whoopidoo, we got rid of Saddam, now we can take the oil there to save money at home, except OPEC increases prices so we’re not actually saving any money. Throughout the course of the 1st presidential debate there was at least a thousand times that “weapons of mass destruction,” “Iraq,” and “terror” had been said cumulatively. It made me want to stab myself in the ears, because you hear those words over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Bush just tells lies and lies and lies more and more, and Kerry tries to tell you what Bush is doing is fucking wrong, and how we went into Iraq was wrong wrong wrong. Bush says it was right right right and through a course of appearing very pissed off through the whole time, like Kerry would even have the nerve to bring up things that were happening not as great as the President was making it to be.

Basically, Kerry 1, Bush 0. Bush seemed like he was not prepared for the onslaught brought on by Kerry. Kerry practically raped him, and from the appearance of the poll results done by news agencies after the 1st debate, Kerry’s approval rating went up. Bush just proved to the world even more how he was an ignorant fool, and Kerry at least made concious and knowledgable debate points against Bush, with practically no answer except scoffing and that stupid smrik he always has. He was talking to Kerry like he was talking about a terrorist. People had also noticed that Kerry didn’t talk into the camera like Bush did, and saw it as a sign that Kerry did not want to speak to the American people at home, while Bush did talk into the camera.

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Intermission: Vice Presidential Debates

Well, we heard the president’s views on things, what about their VP candidates? John Edwards, former Democratic Presidential Candidate Hopeful, has now partnered up with John Kerry in hopes to defeat Bush and Cheney. Cheney, with his usual “I’m so rich and I’m too good for everyone except for the Arab royalty and Halliburton” look, debated to keep his high-paying, high-power job in the United States government, while John Edwards hoped to relieve Cheney of his duties.

The stage has been set, and through the course of an hour or so, it came out to be that Cheney and Edwards had a very good debate, and no one person could be declared coming out ahead of each other.

But one thing could be determined from the course of the night:

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2nd Debate: Town Hall Setting. No podiums, candidates sat on stools, as they heard questions being told to them by audience members, about domestic issues.

So, after Kerry had shamefully ripped Bush a new one after the first debate, Bush started to take these debates a little more seriously. Even though Bush may not have been nearly as bad this time, he was still using a lot of “umms” and pauses, in genuine Bush-style. Bush came back with a lot of anger, while trying to keep himself contained. However, the most notable part of this debate is when Bush interrupted Charles Gibson from ABC News and un-rightfully rebutted a statement by Kerry, after Gibson had told the president that he was not allowed to. This sudden outburst of rage had broken the rules of the debates that had been set forth, and while Bush was talking OUT OF TURN, I was waiting for that buzzer than never came. Bush should NOT have been given that opportunity to speak, as it broke the rules of the debates. Kerry, on the other hand, did not make the mistake of rebutting a statement by Bush out of turn, even though it came close to it. It seemed that Kerry had more control over himself when it came to that, but it came very close.

The questions that were presented were all about the domestic issues and how they would change under Kerry and “improve” even more under Bush. Kerry said that Bush promised you more of the same, while Kerry promised change. Bush repeatedly kept saying that Kerry “flip flopped” over and over. Bush kept telling everyone to look at this voting record. In all honesty, we should look at BUSH’S voting record. Look at the decisions BUSH has made. Sure, Kerry supported Iraq at one time, most of us did, because we ALL thought that Iraq had WMDs, because that was what we were TOLD BY BUSH. Kerry doesn’t have his own CIA, Bush does. Bush knew more about the things happening in Iraq (whether or not they actually had anything) than Kerry did. All that Kerry or WE even believed was what our PRESIDENT, our PRESIDENT told us. I doubt that Kerry is able to send in his own team of CIA operatives to conduct their own investigation in Iraq to find out information.

And if there is, so sue me. It doesn’t contradict the fact that the president lied to us. The results of this debate had helped Kerry out a little bit more, but everyone said they were basically equal.

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3rd Debate: I didn’t watch it cause I was at work, and I’m too lazy to watch it online. I heard they were basically equal though.

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Conclusion: We all know Bush sucks, so why would we want to keep him in office? Outsourcing has grown, people have lost their jobs, the economy is down, people’s lives have been RUINED because of soldiers killed in the War On Terror, and not to mention the U.S. government is in a shitload of debt. Why do we want Bush to stay in office? We know he’s done nothing but horrible things to the United States. To assure that Bush is OUT OF OFFICE, I’m saying to vote for anyone else but Bush. If you want to make absolute sure of this happening, vote for Kerry. If Kerry sucks, then we can just get his ass out of office in the next four years. We know what doesn’t work, why do we want to stay with it?

The comic-strip thingy is by Soup Nazi

Everything else is by davepoobond

 

Attack of the Communist Sideburns

Hey all you silly bastards!

Guess what?

Yep, you guessed it, it’s story time!!

Whoopee!!!!!!!!!!

Today’s installment is a sort of auto-biography (that means it’s about me, ya dumbass). But I’m going to write in the third person, ’cause I can, so eat that!

It’s about a large valley girl that likes MTV (Motivational Therapy for Virgins) and has a wee wee instead of a yum yum. You heard me! A wee wee!

“Aww crap, do I really have to,” said roblestheclown

“YES! I AM DAVEPOOBOND! YOU CANNOT DISOBEY ME, FOR I HAVE JELLO IN MY EAR!” replied the very drunk Aussie, davepoobond.

“OK, OK, just make sure you pay me in monopoly money this time, cause last time…IT WAS FRIGGEN REAL! I HATE REAL MONEY, CAUSE EVERY BILL HAS A BIG STUPID PICTURE OF A DEAD GUY! THEY JUST PISS ME OFF DAVE!”

“……….Fine, but this story HAS to involve flying curtains that snore!”

Anyway, back to the funny stuff.

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Attack of the Communist Sideburns

One day, as Eddie (my nickname that I made up for myself because I have no friends) was walking down the street towards the zoo, he saw something scary, something very, very scary. A vase. Now you might say, if you were actually reading this, “Hey Eddie, vases arn’t scary. You must be stupid!” Well, this vase was no ordinary vase: it had a picture of Saddam Husein wearing a pretty pink tutu doing a pirouette while balancing on a 2 pound slab of veil(you know, baby cows). Now, tell me thats not scary and ill beat your grandma…thats more like it.

“AH!” exclaimed Eddie, after he saw Saddam wink at him from the vase. “HEY! Don’t scream at my vase, it’s very sensitive!”

“Oh, sorry old man Herpes, but it winked at me.”

“…mmmmmm…i have eight watches…none of them arefake.”

“Oh,…..good….for….you…Yea, I gotta go, you know, MTV!” Eddie replied happily.

“Damn virgins” mumbled Herpes.

So, instead of going to the zoo to laugh at all the old people that fall into the crocodile pits, Eddie went to his hourly MTV session. MTV is what Eddie lives for. Literally. Every hour he has to go to the doctor inside the MTV place for tequilla shots, with a needle, not a shot glass, or else he will implode. Once he gets his shots, he goes to his MTV class, quite convenient if you ask me, a two-fer so to speak.

In these MTV classes, Eddie learns about why being a virgin has its ups and downs. The downs: you havent had sex yet, people make fun of you, you suck. The ups:…uhh…well…there aren’t really any ups, they just say that to make it cool, ups and downs. Beacause if it just said downs, then no one would want to be a virgin. After that, they go around in a circle, explaining how smoking crack only makes you a crack whore, and no one likes them. Well, maybe crack pimps, but this story is not about them.

But the main reason Eddie watches MTV is for Tom Green, Andy Dick, Jackass, and…oh, wait, wrong MTV. Sorry about that. The main reason Eddie goes to MTV is because they serve virgin margaritas with those cool little umbrellas and a side order of ketchup, which also comes with an umbrella.

After a session one day, Friday, February 13, 1999 to be exact, Eddie spontaneously said, “I like to eat marijuana brownies through my ass!” Most of the virgins in there gasped, then thought about it, nodded their heads, and applauded. All of them in fact, except Gary the Constipated Virgin. She thought it was very cruel to make fun of her being constipated. Even though Eddie didn’t directly make the joke about her, she was very sure he was talking about her, beacuase she’s constipated, and stupid.

So, when Eddie left, after he excitedly stated, “I have a wee wee instead of a yum yum!! AHAHAHAHA!!!”, Gary followed him home, saw which room he slept in, and threw a brick into his window, smacking him in the head, and making him fall, unconcious, with no hair.

Eddie woke up 10 seconds later somewhere in the vicinity of Nebraska, with hair again. To make matters worse, his pants had been replaced with a neon sign stapled to him, saying “I hate you.” He had only one choice: walk. Walk where, he didn’t know, but there was a giant sea tortoise that went by him and told Eddie to walk, or it would pee on him. So he walked. And walked. And walked, and walked, and walked. And every time he walked through a city, at least one person in every city would throw a bucket of water on him, electrocuting him. It also lowered his sperm count but thats not our problem.

“Wash my couch!”

“What?!” queried Eddie.

“I said, wash my couch! ya dumbass” said Harold theRocketship.

“NO!” Eddie said.

“Damn virgins,” murmured Harold.

“…FUCK AUTHORITY!…oh shit, sorry, I was just gettin into my music, but damn this backstreet boys CD rules!”

“Sir?”

“Yes?”

“I’m the Squackle censor, and you have violated the rules that you agreed to.”

“What? Squackle doesn’t have any censors. Look, FUCK, SHIT, ASSHOLE, DICKFACE, STUPID COCK-PUMPER, GAY ARABIAN CAMEL RAPIST THAT LOVES TO EAT HAIR AND SKIN WHILE SNIFFING SQUIRREL PISS! See, no bleeps, well, except that one.”

“Sir, we dont bleep, we enforce fucked up words, and you have yet to say the following: soul train, Marilyn Manson, bong toker, smelly back disease, and beef. Since you have not complied with these terms, you will die.”

“Oh, OK…wha wha, wait…that’s illegal isn’t it?”

“No, not here. You see, here at Squackle, we can do anything we want. We say what we want, we tell people whatever we want, and we kill whoever we want, without any repercussions.”

“But, how the hell did you guys get such a good deal?!”

“Well, two words: Dave’s high. And since dave is high, the government doesn’t like dealing with him, because they think Squackle is ‘A site full of crap and we don’t want to look through all that crap for illegal things’, also…Dave’s high.”

“Oh, oh yeah! Well, bye!”

“Bye!”

Eddie finally made it to a city that looked like it sold pants, so he looked around, and found a store, called “Pants and Pink Pudding.” Eddie liked pink pudding, so he went in and bought a smiley face sticker, stuck it on his face and went back home.

Once back home, Eddie went door-to-door, telling eveyone, individually, about his adventure. But, after the thrid person, he was punched by a mysterious man that just happened to be the man he was talking to. When he woke up in the hospital, all he could say was, “Like, wut-everrrrrrrrrr!” ::does the wutever w with hands::

THE END!

Oh yea, I knew this girl once, and one time she brought to show-

and-tell her flying cutains that snore. They were AWESOME!!!!!!

 

THE END…FOR REALZ, YO!

 

How To Make a Squackle Gang

Note: Don’t actually do this, please.

1. Get a bunch of your friends and people that would like to join your gang that you don’t hate, and drop out of school. Or go to school and make your school your gang’s territory.

2. Name your gang from this list, and choose a theme:
Name:

  • The Cazzys
  • Foo Foo Tinas
  • The Tutu Posse
  • Mean Clowns that Bark
  • The Crazy Kitties
  • The Counts of Monte Cristo
  • The Vampire Squad
  • The CraZys (notice the misspelling)
  • The Miss Pellers
  • The Hotties
  • The Coldies
  • The Assrammers
  • The Spider
  • Las Silla Locas (The Crazy Chairs)
  • The Guys that Follow You Home
  • The Second of Man
  • Summer Time
  • Waugh
  • The Super Marios
  • The Crown Jewels
  • The Homeless
  • We Breathe
  • Tarzan RULES
  • Metallicats
  • The Swat Katz
  • Allison Chains
  • The Bud Light Buddies
  • The Treks
  • The Reservation (only allowed to be a Native American-themed gang)

Theme:

  • Gay – everyone has man sex, no women allowed
  • Lesbian – everyone has hot steamy woman sex, no men allowed
  • Arrogant – everyone thinks they’re better than everyone else. If you get 2 of them in the same neighborhood, watch out!
  • Latino – everyone talks with a latino accent, and they listen to music made by WCW wrestlers who can’t get a job at the WWF/WWE.
  • Black – everyone talks in Ebonics, listens to rap, watches BET only (with the occasional dash of CNN, just to see what the white man is saying about the black man), and never visits Squackle
  • White – everyone is white, and sometimes includes albinos. Squackle is a recently visited web site, mostly among the Western Europeans. Usually does not include Eastern Europeans, unless they’re Americanized. Can be broken down into NRA (mostly Americans), Mafia (mostly Italians), and others.
  • Soviet – everyone is mainly Eastern European, Russian, or just can’t be considered black or purely white.
  • Arab – everyone listens to Arab music, and they usually kill everyone that doesn’t have heritage from a country that doesn’t have endless deserts, huge oil deposits, and blistering heat. (which is pretty much everywhere except Southern California)
  • Albino Black Guy – everyone is an albino or an albino black guy. You won’t see them out during the day.
  • Cheerleader – everyone is a hot cheerleader. Watch out for their sexy ass shakes and pom poms. They’ll fuck you then stab you in the back. Either way they fuck you, I guess. They usually only listen to the popular music at the time, and hate anything older than a month, including music they used to like.
  • Ugly Cheerleader – usually known as the Color Guard, these girls couldn’t get into the Cheerleading squad, so they had to go to the second level — Color Guard. Everyone is either ugly or moderately good looking. They listen to the popular music at the time, and usually don’t hate music they used to like. They say everything else just “isn’t their flavor.”
  • Suicidal Teenager – everyone is a suicidal teenager. Watch out for these suckers, cause when they snap…they kill themselves. They usually listen to intelligent music like Mozart, Beethoven, or Slayer
  • Agent Smith – everyone is Agent Smith. Wouldn’t actually be a reality, unless this were actually the Matrix and Agent Smith took over lots of people’s bodies and made his own gang for fun. Everyone would have the same hair cut and the same suit. They would all talk in unison or an echo-like type of speech, so it would be in a wave that you hear anything. Kind of weird. They’re a hive mind or whatever so they can do that kind of weird shit. If you don’t know who Agent Smith is, watch a Matrix movie.
  • The Military – a government regulated gang, where they’re gonna make you think Hell is an amusement park with the training they give you. The Military can do whatever they damn well please, because in a sense, they rule the country.
  • The Militia – a group of commonfolk from a certain town that get together on the weekends and shoot at trees and deer. They don’t really do anything that helpful, except waste trees and buy bullets from K-Mart.
  • Heavy Metal – this gang doesn’t do anything but sit on mattresses in a basement, listening to heavy metal from the 80s and 90s (possibly some from later years), and beat the shit out of anyone who thinks their music sucks. They usually have long hair or really short hair. Usually have tattoos, and most of them play an instrument like a guitar, bass, drums or an accordian. Some even play a triangle (those guys are bad mother fuckers)
  • Soccer Mom – these bitches never shut the fuck up. When they invade other territories, they bring their endless lines of minivans with soccer team after soccer team in each minivan. These soccer teams will beat the shit out of you if they believe they can get a Capri-Sun after doing so. Stupid manipulative soccer mom bitches.
  • Internet Geeks – these people never leave their chairs, and its amazing how most of them aren’t fat. Rather than being an “IRL” (also known as “In Real Life”) Gang, they are moreover an online-sort of gang, and hack into other people’s computers either for pleasure or to find porn because their parents put a Cyber Cop program on their computer so they can’t go to any porn sites, so they have to get it by hacking other people’s computers.
  • Demon – spawns of Hell or humans possessed by the Devil. These guys usually listen to Anti-Christ music and promote abortion, just so they can piss off the Anti-Abortionist Radical Christian Fucks.
  • Anti-Abortionist Radical Christian Fucks – these stupid fuckers bomb abortion clinics and would wish for nothing but having every teenager’s penis cut off, as well as everyone who has one that has sex more than 1 time and is unsuccessful at impregnation.
  • Trekkies – everyone is a Star Trek fan. These idiots can’t face reality, so they usually fight their gang fights with their photon laser weapons that haven’t been invented yet, so they have to make their own sound effects
  • Native American – a Native American gang whose motto is “we’re still here.”  They harp on about the “Native Era” when the Native Americans ruled all of America before the white man came and had sex with their antelopes.

3. Now that you have your gang name, you have to name you and your friends. Pick names from this list:

  • Foyf – short for Fart On Your Face
  • Spoyc – short for Spit Poop On Your Chair
  • Dip – short for Dingo In Propulsion
  • Dop – short for Donkeys on Parade
  • Boink – short for Big Orange Industrial Noogie Kaka
  • Fnb – short for Freaky Nugget Boy
  • Brig – short for Bunny Rump In Ginger
  • Gog – short for Goofy On Goo
  • Li,ne (pronounced Line) – short for Lick Iguanas, Naughty Elf
  • Cwafa – short for Crab With a French Accent
  • Yagoga – short for Yellow Antelopes Go Over Green Apples
  • Smit – short for Smelly Monkeys in Tents

4. Get some guns, bazookas, knives and boxes full of beanie babies, and gloves. You have to wear the gloves at all times, it covers your fingerprints. Recruit all the guys you can, to make your gang big, and a problem.

5. Now, go to any street not named Percy or Pansy. Hold that street like it was your home, because now it is!

6. For practice, stab the beanie babies you got in the boxes with your knives, shoot them with your guns, and beat them down with large, painful looking sticks.

7. Just in case cops come, take out the magazine of real bullets in your gun and put in a magazine of blanks and say, “You were only practicing your aim with blank bullets.” If the cop doesn’t believe you, start whacking the guy with those sticks that you got and use your fancy knifing work. Take his body out into an alley and dump him in a trash can. No one will find him until next trash day, and by then all the evidence will be shat on by cats (if you were stupid enough to leave any), so it won’t matter.

8. If any other gang tries to invade your territory, do what comes to mind…KILL’EM! And then after you kill them all, take over their territory, and then adopt all the dead gang member’s moms and dads, so they can give you pasta every Sunday.

9. Once a territory that you hold has been in your gang’s possession for a long time, make it a state. It is reccomended that you register this new mini-state with the U.S. Government, so that you’ll have exclusive rights over the acquired state, but they’ll probably just send the Army after you, then you’ll really be fucked. So, you probably shouldn’t do that.

10. Live, and make sure your fellow gang members do too.