Tag Archives: family

Lists

The Real Difference Between Young and Old

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As every minute passes, we all grow older.  But people say that you’re only as old as you feel.  So what is the real difference between young and old?  It’s not the years.  It’s how you look at life:

– When he’s young, a man can’t wait to grow a beard… but when he gets old, the same man just hates to shave every day.

– When she’s young, a girl loves to fix meals… but when she becomes an old married lady, the thing she hates the most is fixing breakfast, lunch, and dinner for her family every day.

– When he’s young, a man enjoys watching girls… but when he gets old, the same man prefers watching the market.

– When she’s young, a girl loves to make herself look older by putting a gray streak in her hair… but when she gets old and finds a real gray streak in her hair, she cries her eyes out.

Lists

You Know You’re Living In the Past If…

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You know you’re living in the past if:

…You think children are to be seen and not heard.

…Detroit stopped making parts for your car ten years ago.

…The last time you went to the movies, they were still censoring people who kissed each other on the mouth.

…You think the most suggestive dance you ever saw is the Twist.

…You think the family car belongs to the parents.

…You think a picket line is a fence.

Stories

Dave’s Notes: The Tale of Peter Rabbit

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This entry is part 3 of 5 in the series Dave's Notes

Peter Rabbit is this asshole rabbit who had a stupid dad that got caught by this upstanding, taxpaying, well-groomed farmer named Mrs. McGregor.  She wore a bra that was D cup even though she was plainly a C.

Peter Rabbit had a negligent mother named Mrs. Rabbit who thinks its a good idea to leave her 4 sons Peter, Mopsy, Flopsy and Cotton-Tail alone while she fucked the baker in RabbitTown.

Since Peter is an asshole, he disobeys his mother and abandons his brothers to the horrors of the forest while they lug blackberries back and forth.  Mrs. Rabbit believed in child labor after all.

So, Peter goes onto Mrs. McGregor’s farm and shits in her prize-winning flowers.  Then he eats her lovingly planted cabbage, radishes, cucumbers, and doesn’t even give her a reach around.

Mrs. McGregor, already dealing with the saggy boobie problem that plagues her family hereditarily, tried to kill that no-good Peter Rabbit and do us all a favor by doing so.

Peter Rabbit unfortunately gets away and hides in Mrs. McGregor’s toolshed where she keeps her can of holy water laying around unprotected.  Not only does Peter Rabbit desecrate Mrs. McGregor’s farm, but he tarnishes the sanctity of Mrs. McGregor’s religion by pissing in it while he’s in her holy water.

Not only that, but the pervert Peter Rabbit lost all his clothing while he was being chased by Mrs. McGregor (very convenient, don’t you think?), so his sweaty ball sweat was integrating with the holy water.

Peter Rabbit sneezed, giving away his tactical position in the dark shed and busted through the toolshed window.  Great, that’s going to cost money to replace.

Peter Rabbit tried to find a way out from the farm after the vandalism and indecency he subjected to Mrs. McGregor.  He couldn’t, so he started crying like a bitch.  He saw a bunch of other dumb shit that didn’t help him get away.

Eventually he found the gate he came in from and ran back home, leaving Mrs. and Mr. McGregor to clean up the mess he left.  When Peter got home he took a big shit and went to bed.  His family ate blackberries, bread, and milk, cause they were poor.

Peter got away with murder and was rewarded for it.

Stories, Fairy Tales

Children’s Story

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One day, in a small city called Kingsburg in California there live a family of four people. There are two parents with two children. One child is a girl and the other is a girl also. The two children don’t get along very well probably because of their age difference. Their parents think of everything, trying to make them get along. When they have an idea they would write it down on a piece of paper and later that day they would try it.

The five-year-old girl is named Tina, and the other seven-year-old daughter is named Susan. One idea that the parents came up with is to take them both to their Aunt Helen’s house, so that they can spend some quiet time together in the playroom. The parents thought that they might just get along if they get to play pirates or Robin Hood or some other game like that together.

It worked at first when they were playing Sleeping Beauty. But after awhile they began arguing and arguing led to fighting. They were fighting about who will be the witch and who will be the princess. The parents sighed and had to go back to the drawing board. Another idea the parents came up with that might just bring their two children to become civil with each other is to assign Tina and Susan, to a project. Their project turned out to be a Birthday card for their Aunt Helen.

That idea didn’t work because Tina drew a heart on the top left corner of the card, red and Susan wanted it to be blue. So they began fighting once again. The parents sighed and tried again. The next idea for the children is to switch places for a day. If they do this, they can find out something interesting about each other.

At first, Tina and Armen thought that this idea was going to be fun but after the day went by, they hated the idea because Tina went into her room and Armen went into his room. When the parents said that they also had to switch rooms for the night, the two kids started to cry. The parents started getting very frustrated with this whole situation. After thinking for awhile, they came up with a very simple and, at the same time, genius solution.

That simple solution was to politely ask Tina and Armen to participate and really try to get along. The two parents told them what they were trying to do for so long which was to try to make Tina and Susan to get along. Their kids understood because they too were sick of fighting every day. About a week later the two parents saw much improvement with their kids, and they are now a very happy family.

Stories, Fairy Tales

Daddy’s Porno

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An owl is sitting on a couch, in his tree house (not to be confused with a treehouse, his house is actually IN a tree and not gay). The owl’s wings are doing something near his crotch. The room is dark and you can see the TV’s glare on the owl. Cooing sounds and squawking sounds are coming from the TV.

Just then, Baby Owl comes into the room, and sees Daddy watching pigeon porno. Daddy Owl whips his head around 360 degree without moving his body (because he’s an owl and not a human).

Daddy was astonished to find Baby Owl in the doorway. And where there’s baby owl, there’s that stupid owl bitch mommy owl.

But this particular owl was “Big Mama” from the Fox and the Hound. And she wasn’t called Big Mama for nothing. She had the biggest ass cheeks in town, including the grandma-type lady that is probably still a virgin, or raped the guy next door, (he was raped) anywho…

“WHAT THA FUCK!” Big Mama yelled as she came in ass first. “Now, now. Let me explain dear….” Daddy Owl said. Big Mama said, “What the HELL is this crap? You get off to this shit? Other races of bird?” Big Mama flapped her fat wings around. “Oh baby!” the TV said. Daddy Owl tried to cover up his owl boner. Big Mama said, “Don’t even try to hide it. Its so small you can’t even feel anything happening in an ass as big as mine!”

“Now, now!” Daddy Owl rebutted. “A man has to have a little exotic arousal every now and then to keep the juices goin’, you wouldn’t understand.”

“OH! I understand PLENTY! You call that trickling faucet of yours juice? Its not even enough to fill one of my ass pimples!” Big Mama was furious.

“You don’t know what you’re talkin’ about! I was voted ‘most likely to have the biggest dick though no one actually measured’ in my class! So shut your trap, bitch!”

While all this was happening, Baby Owl was humping the TV and feeling himself up like crazy. “Look what your perverted-ness did to Junior! He’s humping the fucking TV! Goddamn you, Daddy Owl, I want a divorce!” Big Mama screeched.

Daddy Owl was in deep shit now. If he got a divorce, he’d have to move back in with his parents! And all they did was make their own porn movies to sell. What could Daddy Owl say? It was in the family. Daddy Owl was tired of being in his parents films anyway.

Just then a fairy flies in and makes everyone disappear, and a family of pigeons move in. The Daddy Pigeon was a priest, so instead of legal problems with porn, there would be more interesting illegal problems with the priest molesting eggs. The End.

Jokes

Joke #5247: Family Vacation

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The telephone rings in the principal’s office at a school.

 

“Hello, this is Dunn Elementary,” answers the principal.

 

“Hi. Jimmy won’t be able to come to school all next week,” replies the voice.

 

“Well, what seems to be the problem with him?”

 

“We are all going on a family vacation,” says the voice, “I hope it is all right.”

 

“I guess that would be fine,” says the principal. “May I ask who is calling?”

 

“Sure. This is my father!”

Lists

Van Gogh’s Family Tree

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After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh

His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin’s American half brother: Grin Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh

The constipated uncle: Can’t Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh

The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh

His Italian uncle: Day Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

Dictionary

TREFOR JONES

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TREFOR JONES – n. ONE BIG WORD FAG he has sex with his dad and licks his moms penis he eats his dogs shit and rubs his ass on his sisters nipples he has a gang bang with his family and he thinks he is god and always complains because he has one caff what a faggot god knows he likes men and the only reason anyone ever does something with him is because he is dead last resort he sucks up to every one and bites penis trefor eat shit you dick licking cunt sucker