Tag Archives: davepoobond

Stupid IMs

Lovely Text Message #22444: Dee -> davepoobond

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I got a text message from some random number. So, as I usually like to have fun with these kinds of things, the following ensues:

–

Dee: Marcel? It’s dee

davepoobond: Hey baby what’s up how you doin

Dee: Hi lol I’ve been pretty good actually. Wbu?

davepoobond: O u kno jus chillin

davepoobond: N e plns 4 tonite

–

2 hours later

–

davepoobond: Yo you there?

–

5 hours later, at 1:57 AM she texts me again. (I was sleeping. Who the fuck texts back at 2 AM in the morning?)

–

Dee: My bad, my phone died. I was helping my cousin move

–

I wait until about 5:30 the next day and send her…

–

davepoobond: Hey what up dee what you up to

Dee: Whos this

davepoobond: What are you talkin bout

Dee: Who’s this*

davepoobond: Who is what

davepoobond: This is marcel

Dee: Which one? Lol what’s your last name

davepoobond: Why u askin how many marcels u kno?

davepoobond: Wait who is this

Dee: I know a few, and it’s dee. So which is it?

davepoobond: Jones

davepoobond: Which dee is this

davepoobond: U there?

–

Dammit! My like-a-black-guy texting didn’t convince her or something happened that tipped her off that she was texting the wrong person.

Stupid IMs, Prank IMs

WoW Chat #22440 davepoobond -> Sandychris

In trade chat, Sandychris is selling expensive mounts and other stuff, so I say to her…

–

davepoobond: 20k each

Sandychris: sorry only real money.:P

davepoobond: gold is real money

Sandychris: lol i mean$

davepoobond: yeah, $20k

Sandychris: lol

davepoobond: thats what i wanna give you,,,,

Sandychris: sorry i dont wanna ur gold.:P

davepoobond: it is real gold

davepoobond: i just need a down payment to bring th gold into the country

Sandychris: i know, but we dont use it.:P

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: how?

davepoobond: i need it to pay the customs fees

davepoobond: but i will pay you back with the gold, cause its actual bullion

Sandychris: lol thanks

davepoobond: but i need these mounts

davepoobond: i told you i would pay you real gold money

Sandychris: i told u i only need $.:P

davepoobond: are you a girl

Sandychris: Yeah why

davepoobond: what is your cup size

Sandychris: what?

davepoobond: how big are your breasts

Sandychris: oh god

Sandychris: why do u know?

Sandychris: big enough

davepoobond: i want to know because i like boobs

Sandychris: ewww

davepoobond: what is so ew about that?

davepoobond: do you not like boobs?

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: are u married?

davepoobond: no

davepoobond: are you?

Sandychris: no

Sandychris: i am younger than u

davepoobond: how old are you?

Sandychris: why dont u get married?

Sandychris: i am younger 10 years old then u.:P

davepoobond: i am trying to find a good woman

Sandychris: Nice

davepoobond: when do you want to get married

Sandychris: maybe 25 or 26.:)

davepoobond: can i ask you a question

Sandychris: sure

davepoobond: do you like butt sex

Sandychris: sure why?

davepoobond: i was just wondering

davepoobond: can i ask you another question

Sandychris: okay

davepoobond: will you marry me

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: i cant

davepoobond: why not?

davepoobond: you like everything i like

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: but i am not live in USA

davepoobond: details, my love

Sandychris: i am living in China,lol

davepoobond: that is ok

Sandychris: lol

davepoobond: so, since we are getting married, you will be able to come to usa

Sandychris: lol never

davepoobond: do you like china?

Sandychris: sure

davepoobond: why

Sandychris: do u like USA?

davepoobond: yes

Sandychris: then my answer is same with u

davepoobond: but i am a citizen of the world, i can live anywhere i want to

davepoobond: if you will not come to me, i will go to you

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: are u a rich person?

davepoobond: yes, i have gold in many countries

Sandychris: lol

davepoobond: how long is your tongue?

Sandychris: lol

davepoobond: hello?

Sandychris: hello

davepoobond: what kind of activities do you like to do in your free time

Sandychris: nothing

davepoobond: do you know nancy?

davepoobond: i havent heard from her for a long time

Sandychris: who is Nancy?

davepoobond: she works in china doing the same thing you do

Sandychris: i dont know here

davepoobond: she got married

Sandychris: her

Sandychris: Yeah

davepoobond: and then another person, named danny said she was dead

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: which site does she from?

Sandychris: do u know ?

Sandychris: u can contact with her by livechat on her site

davepoobond: i think from susanexpress

Sandychris: lol

Sandychris: did u buy gold or mount before?

davepoobond: no

davepoobond: we were friends

Sandychris: i am not working for susanexpress.:P

davepoobond: i was so happy to hear she was getting married

Sandychris: lol nice

davepoobond: and then a week later someone said she was dead

Sandychris: lol so weird

davepoobond: i think it was because she was dealing drugs

Sandychris: ahh?

davepoobond: opium

Sandychris: horrible

davepoobond: but she was so nice.  she had to sit on a box and type on her computer

Sandychris: why sit on a box?

davepoobond: they did not allow them to have chairs

Sandychris: lol horrilbe

Sandychris: i cant believe

Sandychris: chinese boss is good and cent do like this

davepoobond: what is your favorite movie

Sandychris: why should i tell u?

Sandychris: Forest Gump

Sandychris: do u know?

davepoobond: yes, i know that movie

davepoobond: it is a good movie

davepoobond: what is your favorite part

Sandychris: do u love it ?

davepoobond: yes

Sandychris: every is good

davepoobond: why do you like it

Sandychris: not sure

Stupid IMs, Prank IMs

WoW Chat #22439: davepoobond -> Spoonpie

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Spoonpie is trying to sell a Magic Rooster Egg in Trade Chat (a rare mount).

So I whisper him with my bid…

–

davepoobond: 20k

Spoonpie: what?

davepoobond: final offer

Spoonpie: ur an idiot

davepoobond: what

Spoonpie: i have n offer for 250k

Spoonpie: and ur offering me 20k?

davepoobond: yes

davepoobond: because you still havent taken the 250k and you’re calling me an idiot

davepoobond: so it must not exist since your’e still trying to sell it

Spoonpie: because clearly i can get more?

davepoobond: clearly

Spoonpie: how about u open trade with me

Spoonpie: then we sill see ho is the poor idiot

davepoobond: ok sure

Spoonpie: on ur wy to IF?

Spoonpie: SW*

davepoobond: no, you can come to me

Stupid IMs

WoW Chat #22437: Kissandkillu -> davepoobond

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I was posting this in Trade Chat:

“Tired of spending like 3 minutes or more on a typical heroic dungeon boss? Sick of seeing baddie dps doing less damage than the healer? Queue with a 402 ilvl dps! 100g/each normal or heroic dungeon. PST for invite!”

–

Kissandkillu: is that a guild invigte?

davepoobond: a what now

Kissandkillu: what?

Kissandkillu: do you wish for a g iviite

davepoobond: i have a sick

Kissandkillu: ??

Kissandkillu: lol do I know you

davepoobond: yes

Kissandkillu: then I wish you love and tons of happniess

Stupid IMs

WoW Chat #22436: Invisibad -> davepoobond

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In Trade:

davepoobond: WTS  [Knotted Handwraps] 125g

–

Invisibad: il lgive ya 50

Invisibad: il lgive ya 50

davepoobond: nah

Invisibad: 60?

davepoobond: 125

davepoobond: its 150 on the ah

Invisibad: now ur stretching it ill go 85

davepoobond: im not stretching it, that was the original price

Invisibad: check my lvl

Invisibad: ok?

–

I do a /who and sees that he is level 45…

–

Invisibad:  iaint rich homie

davepoobond: well, i am

davepoobond: and id rather keep it than sell at that price

Invisibad: lol hunter leather

davepoobond: yes, lol 😛

davepoobond: cause i would never have an alt rogue

Media, The Squacklecast

Squacklecast Episode 8 – “Wait Till We Do a Number 9”

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This entry is part 8 of 38 in the series The Squacklecast

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS

We have a guest this week!  It’s Daniel, the guy that went to the strawberry festival last week.  We put him on the grill and insult his decision for going to the strawberry festival along with his weird two-headed friend, Lucy the Two-Headed Goosey.

–

Did you have a half naked wannabe Hulk running around during your visit to the theater during The Avengers?  Did he look as bad as this guy who used industrial paint and had to take 20 baths in two days to try to get it off?

Wannabehulk

–

http://www.strawberryfestival.org/

What have we become? A never ending http://www.strawberryfestival.org/ ad for the http://www.strawberryfestival.org/ Strawberry Festival? http://www.strawberryfestival.org/

–

In honor of the Zombie Apocalypse, AMC is starting a new show called…

AMC Bath Salts

–

Zombie Apocalypse 2012:

Guy eating someone’s face off in Florida.

Guy eating his roommates brain in Maryland.

–

Get off my computer, Jamie Oliver.  You’re not a chemist.  You’re just an asshole.

Silly Jaime Oliver, we shouldn’t be throwing away perfectly edible food.  We should at least ship it off to Africa!

–

McDonalds used to be a value.  Now they try to sell you everything in bulk so that there is the same perceived value as what was once known as the Dollar Menu.

100 McNuggets

Only 20 bucks!

–

That new Coldplay song is pretty bad.  It doesn’t even sound like a Coldplay song.

–

Rihanna looks dumb.  Please remove her from my music and movies.

Rihanna Looks Dumb

–

Carly Rae Jepsen?  Who stepped in what?  Yet another terrible song for your listening pleasure:

The Sky Is The Limit must be gay code for anal sex.  So is “funnel cake.”

–

#1 – Piss

#2 – Poo

#3 – Poop and Pee at the same time.

#4 – Poo, Pee, and a Yak (a barf).  Mostly done by bulimics and people who don’t feel very good.

#5 – Opening up your intestine and chopping up parts and throwing it at police (Zombies gotta poop somehow)

–

The newer Dawn of the Dead introduced running zombies.  Is it really that much weirder than the idea of zombies in the first place?

–

[Rec] was a “demonic infestation” sort of zombie thing rather than a virus or reanimated corpses due to magic/radiation.   By the way, that was a spoiler.

–

Want to hire screamers with 13 dB yells or higher to make movies seem more scary than they are.  Apply at the offices of William Castle.

Screamer

–

Facebook and Mark Zuckerburg jokes are so funny.

–

The real #5 – Peeing inside someone.  A whole #1, while penetrating them.

#6 – Same thing as #5 but taking a shit on them instead.

#7 – Forced ejaculation

#8 – Vegetables in orifices, coming out.

–

The #1 (pun intended) defense against Zombies is making a house out of sugary treats.

GingerBread House

–

#9 – You don’t even need a can opener.  You just peel it back and drop that shit in, then you turn it to medium heat and stir it.

#10 – Strawberry sauce/Period Juice on your Hot Dog.

#11 – “Painting the porta potty.”  The paintbrush is your dick and the porta potty is a person’s ass.

X Squared – all of the above

–

Boy that was a great one, huh, guys?  Who knows what’s going to happen next week!

Media, The Squacklecast

Squacklecast Episode 7 – “FUCK the Strawberry Festival!”

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This entry is part 7 of 38 in the series The Squacklecast

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS

This week we watched Chernobyl Diaries, a movie about a bunch of college kids going to Russia to dick around and take Instagrams of ruined buildings and put them in meaningless filters so that they can show off to their friends.  They also bring their crazy knife-wielding soccer coach along for the lulz.

–

Chernobyl Diaries has an old zombie lady masturbating in a closet in an attic of one of the buildings.  Gross!

–

Too much Carrie Underwood and Colbie Caillat in Chernobyl Diaries for my taste.  It’s almost like a boring wedding video.

–

This is the knife that the soccer coach had.

Cool Knife

–

Why does Will Smith like making sequels to movies 10 years after the fact?  It’s not like he was doing anything that important in the mean time between movies.  If he’s going to make a shitty movie, he might as well make it while it is still relevant.

Bad Boys (1995) -> Bad Boys II (2003) = 8 years

Men in Black II (2002) -> Men In Black III (2012) = 10 years

I, Robot (2004) -> I, Robot 2 (currently 2015) = ~11 years

–

Hologram Tupac takes the forefront in Men In Black III, don’t be fooled by the trailers.  They’re pulling a Metal Gear Solid 2 on us.

–

Ali 2 will be Will Smith walking around with Parkinson’s until he either cures it or dies from it, made in 2018.

–

Independence Day 2 or even 3?  Welcome to URF again in 10 years!

 

–

Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith shitting on their White House and blowing up alien landmarks.  How do you like that, mother fuckers!?  Aliens getting shit on all the time!

Kind of sounds like Avatar…

–

Avatar 2 is gonna be at the bottom of the ocean.  Or something.  You heard it here first, Jeff Goldblum is in Avatar 2.

–

On the flip side of things, Prometheus looks like it’ll be a good movie.

–

AVP and AVP 2 are no bueno.

–

Mortal Kombat: Legacy was terrible.  You should watch it.  It was directed by that guy that did Fame.

–

Street Fighter and The Legend of Chun-Li had it right — only have a story about one character, not 35 million characters at the same time.  That’s about the only thing they did right, and the rest of it was so wrong it was right.

–

Paul W.S. Anderson is the poor man’s Michael Bay.  And obviously not as good looking.

–

Dead Or Alive is one of Paul W.S. Anderson’s travesties.  But at least that is better than any of Uwe Boll‘s movies.

–

The Island is a less classy version of Never Let Me Go.

–

George Lucas would probably go back into the Star Wars movies and remove Ewan MacGregor’s beauty marks just so that it is consistent through all of the movies.

Kind of something like this:

Ewan MacGregor After George Lucas Had His Way With Him
Ewan MacGregor After George Lucas Had His Way With Him

 

–

And most of all, FUCK THE STRAWBERRY FESTIVAL!

–

Did you hear they banned plastic bags in LA?  Fuck that shit!  How am I supposed to line my little trash cans?

Everything is going to be made from the blood of trees now.

–

The Middle East is just a big fucking desert, who cares what happens to the environment there.  No one freakin lives there anyway.  So let’s toss all of our unused plastic bags into it.

Gobi Plastic Desert

–

See you guys next week! :licky:

Media, The Squacklecast

Squacklecast Episode 6 – “Mermaid Off the Port Bow!”

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This entry is part 6 of 38 in the series The Squacklecast

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS

Whoa, did we miss another week?  Sorry ya’ll, but this week we’ll take a look at The Little Mermaid, Snow White, and how they’re both kind of crappy movies.  The reason why we’re even bothering?  Because Billy never watched it before last week!

–

The Evil Queen should have put Snow White into a sleeper hold and then shot her.

Sleeper Hold–

Little Mermaid run time – 83 minutes

Snow White run time – 83 minutes

D:

–

Who would do a credit for “Birds”?  Purv Pullen, of course.

–

Bedtime for Bonzo… a movie with Ronald Reagan and a chimpanzee!  I’d guess its a movie about killing a lab chimpanzee from the title.

–

Squackle Film Festival, with Troll 2 to begin and to end!  Also featuring Strange Saga of Hiroshi the Sex Machine and Hooking Up.  More movies to be announced at a later date.

–

Wouldn’t YOU like to penetrate the Little Mermaid?

Little Mermaid

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Sebastian is just a scrotum with a huge penis coming out of it along with pincers.  A dick with pincers, even.

Sebastien

–

Ariel would qualify for being an episode of Hoarders.

–

TWO new Snow White movies?  Whyyyyy?  Number 1.  Number 2.

–

Who the fuck is that guy in the mirror?  It must be Zordon.

Zordon!
Mirror Mirror on the wall...

–

The fairest one of all?

The Fairest One of All
By Janny Northman

–

WHO PUT A DICK IN THIS BOX?

The Evil Queen's Box Has a Dick In It–

Whatever you do, don’t search for “Little Mermaid Hentai…”

–

Will it be two weeks or next week that we do the next podcast?  No one knows.

Quotes

Quote #22377

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davepoobond, getting off work, walks toward home.  He hears an owl sound, and Cory is sitting on a bench looking at davepoobond.

davepoobond: “What, are you perched like an owl?  What are you doing?”

Cory:  “I’m waiting for…”

Cory turns around, and we both look in the same direction to the right.

Cory: “…her, actually.”

In the next instant, Monze takes a huge spill and does a somersault off her bike, because she hit the corner of a low wall trying to avoid hitting some girls that were on their phone.

Cory and davepoobond look at each other all weird and think that she might be hurt, but she gets up and seems fine.

It was hilarious because it was almost comically timed.

– at davepoobond’s work location

Quotes

Quote #22368

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As part of an experiment, KyleBurn, who is davepoobond’s and Quesogrande’s roommate was supposed to dehydrate himself.  KyleBurn was complaining all day about it and Quesogrande came home from work after a good hour or so of KyleBurn’s complaining.  Quesogrande didn’t know anything about the experiment or about the complaining KyleBurn had been doing.

Later, on the couch, Quesogrande, davepoobond, and KyleBurn are all in the living room.

–

KyleBurn:  “OH GOD, I’M SO THIRSTY!  AND I CAN’T HAVE ANY WATER!”

–

Quesogrande looked at KyleBurn for a couple seconds.

–

Quesogrande: “Why can’t you have water?  There’s water in the sink!”

–

KyleBurn gets pissed, and davepoobond laughs for five minutes straight.

– at davepoobond’s house.

Chat Logs, Stupid IMs

WoW Chat #22366: Gotswagger -> davepoobond

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I am on a level 78 Death Knight, and a level 85 hunter whispers me…

–

Gotswagger: 2v2?

davepoobond: whosajiggawhat?

Gotswagger: well?

davepoobond: yeah ok

Gotswagger: tight!

–

Gotswagger invites me to a group.  A minute goes by, then he removes me from the group.  20 seconds later he invites me again, obviously trying to add me to his arena team to no success.

–

Gotswagger: not high enough

davepoobond: im really high

Gotswagger: lol

Chat Logs, Stupid IMs

WoW Chat #22365: Glowann -> davepoobond

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A level 60 hunter sees me on my Death Knight flying the Death Knight-only flying mount (meaning hunters cannot get that mount)…

–

Glowann: how do you get one of those?

Glowann: (flying mounts)

davepoobond: i bought it

Glowann: were

davepoobond: acherus

Glowann: and thats?

davepoobond: what

Glowann: were is acherus?

davepoobond: epl

Glowann: ty

Glowann: what level do you need to befor it?

Glowann: (flying mount)

Glowann: were in acherus?

davepoobond: vendor

Glowann: in the in the sky

davepoobond: ya

Glowann: dead commander thalanor?

davepoobond: idk

Glowann: whats the mount called?

davepoobond: [Winged Steed of the Ebon Blade]

Glowann: i can’t fined it

Glowann: 🙁

Glowann: ;(

Glowann: do you know were i can buy a dragon mount

Glowann: ?

davepoobond: no

Glowann: :/

Glowann: ty