Tag Archives: car

Jokes

Joke #18715: Florida Hurricane Season Notes

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We’re about to enter the peak of the hurricane season in Florida. If you’re new to the area, you’re probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we’ll get hit by “the big one.” Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.

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Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We’ll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS’ INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap
and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and…

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

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EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether
you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver’s license; if it says “Florida”, you live in a low-lying area.)

The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees.  So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It’s great living in Paradise (a.k.a. “The Sunshine State”).

Jokes

Joke #18666

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My partner and I were in our police car when we were dispatched to break up a domestic dispute.

We spoke with the couple, and the problem was quickly resolved.

On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their turn-of-the-century home and reached for what I thought was the front door.

Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in embarrassment when my partner tried to cover for me by saying…

“If you have any more problems, we’ll be in your closet.”

Jokes

What NOT to Put on a Resume

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These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume:

– Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.

– Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

– My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

– Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.

– Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.

– I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

– I am a rabid typist.

– Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.

– Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.

– I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.

– References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.

– Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.

– My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

– I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

– I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail.

– Qualifications: No education or experience.

– Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.

– Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!

Jokes

10 Characteristics of the Company Car

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– Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

– Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.

– Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

– The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.

– It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.

– It needs cleaning less often than private cars.

– The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.

– Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.

– It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.

– It is especially sand and waterproof for barbecues and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.

Jokes

Joke #18618

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Somewhat skeptical of his son’s new-found determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.

“Please, Dad,” whined the boy, “I promise I’ll use them every day.”

“I don’t know, Michael. It’s really a big commitment on your part,” the father pointed out.

“Please, Dad?”

“They’re not cheap either.”

“I’ll use them Dad, I promise. You’ll see.”

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, “What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!”

Lists

Top Ten Signs You’ve Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving

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10. You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net.

9. Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump truck full of yams.

8. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps.

7. While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker.

6. Strangers keep addressing you as “Mr. President.”

5. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read “Good Lord!”

4. You now have an butt the size of Plymouth Rock.

3. People keep looking at you and saying, “I thought the Macy’s Parade was over.”

2. Your relatives can’t go home because they’re stuck in your gravitational field.

1. You’re sweatin’ gravy, my friend!

Jokes

Joke #18600

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The other day while driving home, after being delayed at my office, I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror.

The police officer pulled me over for speeding. Hoping for a little leniency I explained to him that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary.

But rather than letting me off with just a warning, he went ahead and wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, “Congratulations! The first year is paper, right?”

Jokes

Joke #18566

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In the early 1990’s, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo Ederle in Italy, it was very common to see soldiers riding bicycles back and forth to work. So it came as no big surprise that, after a series of painfully comic accidents, a new policy was announced, saying in summary,

“Soldiers shall no longer salute officers who are engaged in the riding of a bicycle.”

Jokes

Joke #18559

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A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28-ounce water pump. “A what?” says the confused parts guy.

“My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump.”

“A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?”

“A Datsun.”

As the parts guy writes down “Datsun, 28 oz. water pump” the light in his head goes on. “Oh yes ma’am. We’ve got 28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too.”

“Finally,” she says. “You’re the first place I’ve called that knew what I was talking about.”

“Yes ma’am.  That’s because we’re a full-service parts warehouse; it’s our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump,” he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump, part number…

Jokes

Joke #18553

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One evening I was driving my six-year-old daughter to her grandparents’ home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was little traffic and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour.

My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, “I have a question.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Mom, when you’re driving,” she asked, “are you ever the idiot?”